Mrs Payne set out earlier to deliver flyers. Looked out of bedroom window as saw her tottering rather slowly from house to house of neighbours. Watched for some minutes as Mrs Payne delivered to first three houses. Following this, stopped for a moment, wiped her brow with handkerchief, and having sat on nearby wall, got out flask of tea and little napkin of biscuits.
Thought this quite ridiculous as Mrs Payne enjoyed her picnic, opened window and shouted to her, no more than 10 yards from house,
"That's my flask! You'll have to work faster than that too!".
Mrs Payne gave quite a start at this, dropped her biscuit on the ground and looked quite furious.
Decided had best get to work.
Most annoyed to be interrupted mid-morning by telephone call, and following several furious exclamations,
"Mrs Payne! Telephone!", remembered she was out.
Followed most annoying conversation where recipient of flyer stated would certainly not be attending, but by the by, was I aware Jubilee spelled with one 'L', flyer said July, not June, and woman delivering had left flask on his wall, would I be so kind as to collect it?
Positively furious as stalked out of house to retrieve my flask, saw not a jot of Mrs Payne, presumably causing biscuit-fuelled mayhem elsewhere.
The Diary of a Telecommuter
This is the diary of Robert Smith, a fictional portrayal of his misadventures as a telecommuter. Anyone would think working from home would be great, but Bob isn't that lucky.
Thursday, 31 May 2012
Day 159
Not a jot of peace last night as other half helped Mrs Payne with plans for Jubilee party. Followed interruption whilst reading newspaper positively every minute, asking how many tables would we need, did people still eat vol au vents, and might I know a marching band? Replied had not slightest idea to all of these queries. Said the English way to celebrate things was to do nothing at all. At this Mrs Payne, with fearful impression of Queen, shouted in shrill voice,
"Orf with his 'ead!'. Abominable laughter followed for several minutes.
Eventually gave up newspaper, as inevitably got dragged in to help. Mrs Payne produced yet another envelope with sketch of design for flyer to deliver to neighbours. Quickly produced this, and having asked Mrs Payne how many required, presently printed two hundred. Declared whilst printing this seemed rather lot. Mrs Payne said I was fearful idiot, this house had three people in, would need to deliver four or five to some houses!
"Orf with his 'ead!'. Abominable laughter followed for several minutes.
Eventually gave up newspaper, as inevitably got dragged in to help. Mrs Payne produced yet another envelope with sketch of design for flyer to deliver to neighbours. Quickly produced this, and having asked Mrs Payne how many required, presently printed two hundred. Declared whilst printing this seemed rather lot. Mrs Payne said I was fearful idiot, this house had three people in, would need to deliver four or five to some houses!
Wednesday, 30 May 2012
Day 158 - lunch
Went down for mid-morning tea and positively bombarded by Mrs Payne immediately upon sight, exclaiming,
"I say Robert, about this party.".
Followed, Mrs Payne saying had worked tirelessly all morning, but really altogether difficult planning. Would I be so kind as to help? Replied absolutely not, however would she like tea?
Mrs Payne most insistent, followed me into kitchen asking would I hear her list? As kettle boiled said I could spare a few moments, at which Mrs Payne retrieved her envelope. Explained all best work was done on back of envelope, and if I was ready, would proceed. Said please do so, as Mrs Payne took deep breath, and started.
"Item 1. Cake."
"What do you think?"
Replied thought the list rather short, although had no doubt hit the nail on the head so far. Tea being made set about returning to office, with Mrs Payne tottering behind desperately requesting additions. Stopping at stairs, thought for few moments and asked Mrs Payne how many people would be coming. Mrs Payne replied would be at least a hundred, would think. Having thought some more, said as I climbed stairs,
"Best put cake down twice then, don't want to run out.".
Heard Mrs Payne behind me, saying quietly as she wrote,
"Item.. 2.. More.. Cake..".
"I say Robert, about this party.".
Followed, Mrs Payne saying had worked tirelessly all morning, but really altogether difficult planning. Would I be so kind as to help? Replied absolutely not, however would she like tea?
Mrs Payne most insistent, followed me into kitchen asking would I hear her list? As kettle boiled said I could spare a few moments, at which Mrs Payne retrieved her envelope. Explained all best work was done on back of envelope, and if I was ready, would proceed. Said please do so, as Mrs Payne took deep breath, and started.
"Item 1. Cake."
"What do you think?"
Replied thought the list rather short, although had no doubt hit the nail on the head so far. Tea being made set about returning to office, with Mrs Payne tottering behind desperately requesting additions. Stopping at stairs, thought for few moments and asked Mrs Payne how many people would be coming. Mrs Payne replied would be at least a hundred, would think. Having thought some more, said as I climbed stairs,
"Best put cake down twice then, don't want to run out.".
Heard Mrs Payne behind me, saying quietly as she wrote,
"Item.. 2.. More.. Cake..".
Day 158
Most displeased that preparations for Queen's Jubilee have started already. Heard nothing but, over breakfast. Other half and Mrs Payne most excited, said could see about making cakes and would visit neighbours.
Mrs Payne reminisced with pride had seen the coronation as a girl. Replied after some moments,
"King George?".
This taken altogether badly by Mrs Payne. Other half tittered a little and gave me a look.
Pleased to say silence returned to breakfast table, with only comment from Mrs Payne, requesting an envelope on which to write list of preparations. Finished toast and said I would go to work, with nothing said but Mrs Payne murmuring quietly,
"Yes... Hmm.. And clowns..".
Mrs Payne reminisced with pride had seen the coronation as a girl. Replied after some moments,
"King George?".
This taken altogether badly by Mrs Payne. Other half tittered a little and gave me a look.
Pleased to say silence returned to breakfast table, with only comment from Mrs Payne, requesting an envelope on which to write list of preparations. Finished toast and said I would go to work, with nothing said but Mrs Payne murmuring quietly,
"Yes... Hmm.. And clowns..".
Tuesday, 29 May 2012
Day 157 - lunch
Professor and Mrs Uptight arrived at 10 o'clock, said was terribly
nice to invite us, food smelled delicious! Sitting in lounge Mrs
Uptight smiled sweetly, although rather less so as saw flowers. This
altogether embarrassing as one flower head fallen off entirely.
Mrs Payne having gone to bed, sat in lounge whilst dinner cooked. Explained Mrs Payne had been called away to sister, but would return shortly. Really, nothing to worry about.
Bound to say this fearfully dull, and conversation altogether silent in points. Was rather glad when dinner came, although Uptights looked rather confused as plates put onto table to find other half and my salmon quite half of their own. This also proved difficult, as had to eat ever so slowly and with tiny morsels such that would not have finished dinner in but seconds. Fortunately dinner came to end rather quickly, although other half most upset as Mrs Uptight said was terribly sorry, but didn't like frozen salmon! Explained in awfully nice way that really, had heard best way was to freeze fish at source. This frightfully denied by Uptights.
Was altogether weary following dessert, and had not a jot of intention to offer sherry. Unfortunately had left bottle out from earlier 'dutch courage'. As such ended up pouring glasses following hint from Uptight. Poured rather small glasses for other half and I, as had already partaken earlier, and was in danger of falling asleep.
All sipped their sherry in conversation-less discomfort. Looked that Mrs Uptight displeased with her husband's suggestion of sherry also.
Following particular period of silence heard one or two steps from upstairs. Awfully concerned about this as house to Uptights' knowledge was empty. This rather worsened, as Mrs Payne, descended stairs, saying with quite some chirp,
"I take it by the quiet that they've gone!", before coming into view, and saying with some dread,
"Oh I say.".
Uptights fiercely polite about this, said did not know had come back from her sister's, and how was she, well they hoped? Must have come back whilst were having dinner, indeed, was positively quiet as a mouse! Mrs Payne altogether nervous about this, said yes, quite well thank you very much.
Followed period of silence, as Mrs Payne rather obligated to join party, made somewhat more difficult as Mrs Payne in quite horrific nightgown. After some time Mrs Payne, relieved at article of conversation, said brightly,
"So, it's the Queen's jubilee next weekend! Terribly exciting, I own we should have a street party!".
Other half terribly excited about this, said was a delightful idea to celebrate 60 years. Quite some plans were made regards food and festivities, whilst Uptights remained altogether silent. Other half exclaimed was sure everyone would join in! Excitement rather dampened as Professor Uptight said most seriously would certainly not count on THEIR support, as monarchy quite ridiculous in outdated concept, may well as be slaves! Further, would be positively hanged before would celebrate 60 years of rule of anyone!
Sherry finished rather quickly thereafter, and all said goodnight. Uptight pulled me aside on doorstep, said by the by, was everyone okay money-wise? Had noticed our pieces of salmon rather small, and sherry glasses also. Further, Mrs Payne's nightdress positively rags. Could certainly see about some more university work if this was helpful. Received quite a start at this notion, said goodnight in rather fluster, and shut front door in Professor's face. Returned to lounge with heart positively racing, only to see Mrs Payne plunging flowers back into waste paper basket.
Mrs Payne having gone to bed, sat in lounge whilst dinner cooked. Explained Mrs Payne had been called away to sister, but would return shortly. Really, nothing to worry about.
Bound to say this fearfully dull, and conversation altogether silent in points. Was rather glad when dinner came, although Uptights looked rather confused as plates put onto table to find other half and my salmon quite half of their own. This also proved difficult, as had to eat ever so slowly and with tiny morsels such that would not have finished dinner in but seconds. Fortunately dinner came to end rather quickly, although other half most upset as Mrs Uptight said was terribly sorry, but didn't like frozen salmon! Explained in awfully nice way that really, had heard best way was to freeze fish at source. This frightfully denied by Uptights.
Was altogether weary following dessert, and had not a jot of intention to offer sherry. Unfortunately had left bottle out from earlier 'dutch courage'. As such ended up pouring glasses following hint from Uptight. Poured rather small glasses for other half and I, as had already partaken earlier, and was in danger of falling asleep.
All sipped their sherry in conversation-less discomfort. Looked that Mrs Uptight displeased with her husband's suggestion of sherry also.
Following particular period of silence heard one or two steps from upstairs. Awfully concerned about this as house to Uptights' knowledge was empty. This rather worsened, as Mrs Payne, descended stairs, saying with quite some chirp,
"I take it by the quiet that they've gone!", before coming into view, and saying with some dread,
"Oh I say.".
Uptights fiercely polite about this, said did not know had come back from her sister's, and how was she, well they hoped? Must have come back whilst were having dinner, indeed, was positively quiet as a mouse! Mrs Payne altogether nervous about this, said yes, quite well thank you very much.
Followed period of silence, as Mrs Payne rather obligated to join party, made somewhat more difficult as Mrs Payne in quite horrific nightgown. After some time Mrs Payne, relieved at article of conversation, said brightly,
"So, it's the Queen's jubilee next weekend! Terribly exciting, I own we should have a street party!".
Other half terribly excited about this, said was a delightful idea to celebrate 60 years. Quite some plans were made regards food and festivities, whilst Uptights remained altogether silent. Other half exclaimed was sure everyone would join in! Excitement rather dampened as Professor Uptight said most seriously would certainly not count on THEIR support, as monarchy quite ridiculous in outdated concept, may well as be slaves! Further, would be positively hanged before would celebrate 60 years of rule of anyone!
Sherry finished rather quickly thereafter, and all said goodnight. Uptight pulled me aside on doorstep, said by the by, was everyone okay money-wise? Had noticed our pieces of salmon rather small, and sherry glasses also. Further, Mrs Payne's nightdress positively rags. Could certainly see about some more university work if this was helpful. Received quite a start at this notion, said goodnight in rather fluster, and shut front door in Professor's face. Returned to lounge with heart positively racing, only to see Mrs Payne plunging flowers back into waste paper basket.
Day 157
Other half rather displeased last night to learn Mrs Uptight had forced us to have dinner at 10 o'clock. Further, what were those dreadful crumpled flowers in vase?
Having explained unfortunate incident due to Mrs Payne's anger, set about planning dinner. Last night's food having been eaten, settled on rather more plain fayre. Amongst other things, had conveniently five frozen pieces of salmon for main. Mrs Payne very pleased with this, however said waiting until 10 o'clock positively ridiculous, could she have hers at 7 o'clock? At this other half said she was rather hungry also.
Salmon quite delicious.
Further developments all too harrowing, so shall write more later.
Having explained unfortunate incident due to Mrs Payne's anger, set about planning dinner. Last night's food having been eaten, settled on rather more plain fayre. Amongst other things, had conveniently five frozen pieces of salmon for main. Mrs Payne very pleased with this, however said waiting until 10 o'clock positively ridiculous, could she have hers at 7 o'clock? At this other half said she was rather hungry also.
Salmon quite delicious.
Further developments all too harrowing, so shall write more later.
Monday, 28 May 2012
Day 156 - lunch
Most annoyed mid-morning as Mrs Payne answered door, presently called up,
"It's for you!". Set about coming downstairs, and having asked who it was, Mrs Payne replied in much annoyance,
"I said: IT'S FOR YOU!".
Mrs Payne stalked back to sofa with positive fury on her face, and getting to front door found Mrs Uptight on doorstep, grinning with sickening sweetness and holding rather paltry bunch of flowers.
Followed explanation was terribly sorry about last night, had last minute dinner engagement, could not possibly cancel, was sure we understood! Smiled in silence at this, as Mrs Uptight continued, in any case, had spoken to other half upon leaving for work this morning, said they could come tonight! Was sure it would be delightful! Also, here were some flowers, hope we liked them. Would not keep me, would see us this evening at 10 o'clock, good-bye!
Before had time to say 10 o'clock rather late for dinner, Mrs Uptight had retreated down drive, leaving awful flowers in her stead. Shut front door in much annoyance, and sat down in armchair, mirroring Mrs Payne's stone-faced fury. After some minutes of silent agitation, Mrs Payne glanced up, saying,
"May I?", pointing to flowers. Having handed Mrs Payne flowers, she shook with annoyance, promptly plunged them in waste paper basket flower first with much viciousness, exclaimed with much agitation,
"Horrible woman!".
"It's for you!". Set about coming downstairs, and having asked who it was, Mrs Payne replied in much annoyance,
"I said: IT'S FOR YOU!".
Mrs Payne stalked back to sofa with positive fury on her face, and getting to front door found Mrs Uptight on doorstep, grinning with sickening sweetness and holding rather paltry bunch of flowers.
Followed explanation was terribly sorry about last night, had last minute dinner engagement, could not possibly cancel, was sure we understood! Smiled in silence at this, as Mrs Uptight continued, in any case, had spoken to other half upon leaving for work this morning, said they could come tonight! Was sure it would be delightful! Also, here were some flowers, hope we liked them. Would not keep me, would see us this evening at 10 o'clock, good-bye!
Before had time to say 10 o'clock rather late for dinner, Mrs Uptight had retreated down drive, leaving awful flowers in her stead. Shut front door in much annoyance, and sat down in armchair, mirroring Mrs Payne's stone-faced fury. After some minutes of silent agitation, Mrs Payne glanced up, saying,
"May I?", pointing to flowers. Having handed Mrs Payne flowers, she shook with annoyance, promptly plunged them in waste paper basket flower first with much viciousness, exclaimed with much agitation,
"Horrible woman!".
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