Friday, 31 January 2014

Mrs Payne's First Haiku

Bound to say have not a jot of time for diary, for which terribly sorry.  Most surprised to report however Mrs Payne has taken up Haiku.  First frightful instalment as follows:

Biscuits delicious,
I will just have one, or two,
Not a crumb was left.

Explained with amusement had written it whilst eating biscuits.  By the by, did I know had ran out?

Friday, 19 April 2013

Day 285

Bound to say was most annoyed last night making dinner,  trousers hanging over chair to dry as Mrs Payne exclaimed incredulously,
"I shouldn't think it was my fault!  What a fearful place to put a bin!"

Weather whipped up terrible as ate dinner, frightfully windy and rain positively lashed window as explained to other half forecast was awful for next few days, most unlikely to get pond completed.  Other half terribly disappointed with this, however cheered rather as queried whether mother might be able to continue, seeing as had bought her wellingtons.  At this Mrs Payne positively horrified, saying indignantly,
"The wind will go right up me!"

Bad weather continued over night, was woken up on several occasions by wind against window.  At breakfast other half and Mrs Payne said same.  Mrs Payne explaining gravely was worried would flood, could barely sleep a wink.  At this Mrs Payne brightened rather, said with pleasure,
"It's alright though, I put my wellingtons on in bed, then I fell right asleep!"  Other half looked rather seriously at mother, at which Mrs Payne added in annoyance,
"They were clean!"  Angled my head rather to look under table, most surprised Mrs Payne still wearing them.

Other half having left for work, set about getting ready myself as Mrs Payne finished off toast.  Positively dropped cup of tea in shock as Mrs Payne said nonchalantly,
"Oh, while I remember: by the by, the pond has gone."

Rushed to window and most shocked to see garden looking fearfully muddy, and further, not a glimpse of the pond mould.  Exclaimed in much dismay as to the wind and queried in awe,
"Where the devil has it gone?"  At this Mrs Payne looked up from her toast, querying plainly,

Thursday, 18 April 2013

Day 284

Spent positively whole afternoon yesterday bucketing water out of pond, terribly in danger of toppling over flooding water onto garden.  Mrs Payne quite absent from this having declared again with sorrow,
"I would help, but my wellingtons.."  Exclaimed in annoyance was not wearing wellingtons myself, was quite ridiculous excuse.  This quite ignored by Mrs Payne, presently overseeing proceedings from kitchen window, adding at some volume after a time,
"I say, you're not making very much progress!"

Other half most disappointed with pond when home, propped up with bins and still half full of water.  Bound to say was altogether tired, at which other half said I was a dear, thanked me warmly for the pond, would be ever so enjoyable when finished!  At this other half add brightly,
"Oh, I say!  I've got something for you!"  Returning after some moments later with box in arms, Mrs Payne following, adding petulantly,
"Why does Robert get a gift and I don't!"

Most curious as opened box, revealing rather floral wellington boots, at which queried as to rather not being my style, or size.  Other half positively delighted with this, exclaiming innocently was a frightful clot, terribly sorry, might they suit someone else?  Bound to say this awfully amusing as played along, saying with disappointment,
"I say, Mrs Payne, these wellingtons aren't my size or style, might you like them?"  At this other half positively rolled around laughing as Mrs Payne said furiously,
"Don't think I don't see what you've done here!" and taking the box in much annoyance sat on bench to don the items, other half saying in excitement,
"I say, they're just your size!"

Mrs Payne carefully tottered around garden in her wellingtons, saying with annoyance,
"I suppose you want me to help!"  At this other half and I exclaimed in horror,
"No!" as with a powerful "oof!" Mrs Payne yanked garden waste bin propping up pond, causing scream from other half, promptly jumped on bench, and as pond toppled over quite torrent of water splashed around garden.   Positively gallons of water rushed over legs and garden shoes, and as water drained away Mrs Payne looked at ground, lifting feet several times, saying proudly,
"Well my wellingtons work!"  At this Mrs Payne looked at me, quite frozen to the spot with fury and positively soaked to the knee, as added with surprise,
"I say, Robert, I should put your wellingtons on!"

Wednesday, 17 April 2013

Day 283

Most annoyed this morning as pond arrived.  Was quite certainly larger than had been told, as such hole frightfully lacking in length and width.  Further annoyed as rather burly delivery chap said in amusement as carefully propped pond up with dustbins,
"You'll need a bigger 'ole mate!" as Mrs Payne added in amusement,
"He's a fearfully slow digger!  I should have done it, but I don't have wellingtons.."

Stalked back into house and returned to work as Mrs Payne continued regards delivery, working terribly hard all morning and stopping not a jot for mid-morning tea.  Was most productive, as such thought would see about continuing to dig hole in afternoon, other half sure to be pleased with progress.

Came downstairs for lunch, as Mrs Payne echoed delivery chap, albeit rather more regally,
"I say, you'll need a bigger hole, Mr!" before giggling to herself as got up with an oof, querying optimistically,

Set about making lunch and positively shocked to the core as looked out of kitchen window, uttering in open-mouthed horror,
"I say, what the, what the devil!"  Slowly walked outside to survey the garden, with Mrs Payne following, as repeated in annoyance,

Looked at pond as queried loudly,
"Why does it have water in it!"  At this Mrs Payne explained with excitement,
"I filled it!"  Frightfully exasperated by this as said was now fearfully heavy, how might we move it?  Mrs Payne altogether unconcerned with this as exclaimed defiantly,
"We need something to put the fish in!" and as lifted lid on recycling bin, added in annoyance,
"We can't keep them in the bin!"

Peered into recycling bin, positively filled to brim with water and containing numerous fish.  Mrs Payne most pleased with this, mimicking fish as open and closed mouth with audible,
"Pop!  Pop!  Pop!" before saying with delight,
"I think they like me!"

Bound to say this all too much, queried with concern as to where recycling had been placed, at which Mrs Payne explained between pops,
"We put the recycling in the normal bin."  Positively furious at this, as normal bin already full.  Asked in annoyance where normal rubbish was, receiving bright response,
"In the garden waste bin."  Repeated with annoyance this quite ridiculous movement,
"You put the fish in the recycling bin, the recycling in the normal bin, and the normal rubbish in the garden waste bin?  Where did you put the garden waste?"  Positively shook in silent anger as Mrs Payne explained tersely,
"In your hole."

Tuesday, 16 April 2013

Day 282

Mrs Payne most excited regards pond, exclaimed over Sunday lunch,
"Can we get koi carp?  No!  Cod!  We can have fish and chips!"  Declared this most ridiculous, by the by, how large was pond?  At this other half altogether sheepish, said carelessly,
"Oh, barely a few feet.  More tea?"

Paced out dimension on lawn after lunch, and bound to say pond quite fearfully large, ten feet in length and quite four feet deep.  Declared this most unreasonable, if was any larger would jolly well have an island in middle!  Other half said I was being silly.  Exclaimed had not a chance of digging myself, at which Mrs Payne said earnestly,
"I will help!"  Most concerned as said this terribly kind, by the by, when did pond mould arrive?  At this other half altogether sheepish again, said optimistically,
"Tomorrow?" before adding melodically,
"I'll get the spade!"

Other half terribly excited regards pond, said I was a darling for digging it.  At this bound to say was altogether buoyed, said would certainly make short work of it, would have hole ready by dinner!  At this promptly started digging, Mrs Payne exclaiming as warily tottered back into house,
"Shan't be long!  You get started, Robert!"

Spent fearful amount of time digging, and bound to say most awfully tired before dinner.  Not a glimpse of Mrs Payne throughout, having declared upon numerous enquiries,
"I'm trying to find my wellingtons!"  All stood around hole before dinner, approximate oval in shape and most annoyed to say barely 6 inches deep.  Most displeased as Mrs Payne exclaimed in surprise,
"I say, this is barely fit for a puddle!"

Queried in much annoyance as to Mrs Payne finding wellingtons, at which Mrs Payne exclaimed in surprise as kicked small piece of soil back into hole,
"Oh, I forgot, I don't have any wellingtons!"

Monday, 15 April 2013

Day 281

Had most jolly Sunday morning, other half and Mrs Payne said were going to garden centre regards flowers, at which declared would read Sunday newspapers.  Queried as coats and hats were sought as to where various sections were,  Mrs Payne duly handing over each one, looking fearfully crumpled into the bargain, explaining without concern,
"I sat on them."

Sat reading newspaper once other half and Mrs Payne had left, and bound to say had one or two biscuits.  Thought this rather what Mrs Payne must be like daily.  With much excitement, sat in Mrs Payne's seat on sofa, by the by, had terribly flat cushion, as said in squeaky voice,
"I say Robert, where's the biscuits!  Oof oof oof!"  Thought this most amusing.

Rapidly got up as other half and Mrs Payne came in, and positively popped with excitement as Mrs Payne said with exasperation,
"I say Robert, where's the biscuits?"  Other half exclaimed with smile hoped I had not been up to mischief.  Made note to tell her about impression later.

Other half altogether delighted as said she had surprise for garden!  At this Mrs Payne, having found biscuit barrel, said nonchalantly through biscuit-filled mouth,
"We've bought a pond."  At this other half most displeased, said in annoyance,
"I said I would tell him!" adding brightly,
"Robert, you'll never guess!  We've bought a pond!"  Declared in annoyance would never have guessed.

Queried, by the by, was this sheer madness?  At this other half said it was an awfully nice pond, one of those clever moulded contraptions, ever so cheap, and the Updikes next door had a pond!  Other half looked ever so hopeful, so warmed rather as queried when contractors were arriving regards installation.  At this Mrs Payne looked at her daughter, queried cryptically,
"Now?" after which tottered into porch, and with careful oofing, returned, saying with delight,
"You'll never guess!  We've bought you a new spade!"

Friday, 5 April 2013

Day 280

Thankfully caught up with work on account of fearful busy afternoon and morning, as such declared before mid-morning tea rather I deserved trip into town for coffee and cake.  Mrs Payne looked up from mobile telephone, queried with interest,

Set off for town, Mrs Payne having explained might we have time to visit Fletchers' department store as had to buy some "smalls", explaining brightly,
"I don't need to remember what to buy, Sally remembers for me!"  Said this quite alright, might we see about coffee first, as Mrs Payne promptly added,
"And cake."

Saw Horseface in coffee shop, and bound to say still positively furious regards excursion to terrible coffee shop.  Queried with some sarcasm as to whether we would rather go elsewhere, heard local drop in centre had rather good coffee.  At this Mrs Payne most oblivious, asked with confusion,
"Shall I check how many stars?"

Apologised profusely regards being led astray by Mrs Payne, at which Horseface most reasonable, said with excitement should have seen boss' face when told him!  Mrs Payne positively ignored this, looking around shop with quite some concern, as held plug for phone, saying with concern,
"Oh dear.  I need to plug Sally in.  Oh dear, Sally!"  At this explained regards "Sally" running out of battery, Horseface saying with amusement,
"I say Bitty, there's a plug over there!"  Explained this rather far away, should certainly not leave such an item out of sight.  Mrs Payne most unconcerned with this, rummaged in bag, at which withdrew rather large bundle, exclaiming brightly,
"Not to worry!  I brought a 4-way extension!"

Mrs Payne most pleased as unwound extension, having carefully negotiated regards not putting it where someone could trip.  Having plugged in Mrs Payne presently sat down, popping extension on floor and tucking Sally at side of chair, as said with pleasure,
"Sally is charging!  She was only on 75 percent power, Sally could have gone at any moment!"  Chap on adjacent table most impressed with Mrs Payne's extension, said it quite brilliant to have brought it, might he plug in laptop also?  At this Mrs Payne fearfully pleased, said regally,
"You may", adding once chap had thanked her, "that'll be a pound, please."

Had terribly amusing conversation with Horseface regards boss' reaction regards two star cafe, as such all positively falling about laughing by time to leave, Mrs Payne saying with concern, was sure had something to remember.  At this queried did she perhaps need to buy some "smalls"?  Mrs Payne most relieved at this, said thankfully,
"Oh yes!  Don't mention by unmentionables though."

Stood admiring suits as Mrs Payne shopped for unmentionables, presently tottering up in quite frenzy, saying quickly,
"I put my list in Sally so I didn't forget, but I forgot Sally!"  At this Mrs Payne tottered off with not a moment for response, repeating loudly as she went,
"Oh dear!  Sally!"

Was with quite some dismay that stood in coffee shop, looking at chair Mrs Payne had sat in, finding not a glimpse of Sally.  Mrs Payne most upset at this, said tearfully
"They took Sally!" adding as dried eyes,
"I wouldn't mind, but they took the extension too."