Monday, 31 October 2011

Day 21 - lunch

So much for a quiet day.

Around time the post normally arrives doorbell rang.  Was greeted by previous inferior postman (although said postman has yet to cause his wife to scream at me on my own property, so arguably better than Andy).  Smugly handed over a letter saying the 'Post Master' wanted it delivered in person.  Begrudgingly thanked me and closed the door in face.  Evidently he was waiting for me to open it.

Crux of the letter was that "Some residents have noticed one of our staff entering your property resulting in delayed deliveries" and "Her Majesty's Royal Mail would appreciate it if you would kindly refrain from distracting its staff".

Still fearfully annoyed about the letter but have stashed it away so I can consider a response later.  Have every belief the suspicious old couple are behind this.  Will make sure no neighbourly xmas card is sent assuming I can think of reason to justify to other half.

Day 21

Had a quiet weekend, telling other half nothing about Friday's debacle with fishwife.  Other half had calmed down, however, about coming home to find Andy there, so enjoyed a relatively pleasant weekend.

Still running behind on iconography changes though, so hoping for an equally quiet day.

Friday, 28 October 2011

Day 20 - lunch

Was reticent to ask Andy in for tea this lunchtime, having fallout from other half yesterday, however we agreed a quick cuppa wouldn't cause hurt anyone as long as he was gone promptly.

We weren't long sat down when a knock came at the door.  Opened it to be greeted by what can only describe as candidate for Fishwife of the Month award screaming at me asking where the "strumpet" was.  Taken back I explained there was no woman here, with response from fishwife
"Oh God!  You don't mean he's turned...!".

At this point Andy sheepishly appeared, resulting in the fishwife's tirade being redirected to whom was evidently her husband.

Argument went on for some time in doorway, before continuing first on the garden, then on the road.  Fishwife stopped briefly to warn me of trying to seduce her husband again with my wild protests only seeming to enrage further.  Situation was made all the worse by suspicious couple watching from their window for some time in full view.

Eventually arguing got suitable far from the house that I might close the door.  Have a feeling I best not ask Andy in for tea again.

Day 20

Other half still not calmed down this morning.  Said she would sooner tip him double at xmas than have Andy around again.  Revised opinion saying she wasn't giving a tip at all.

On subject of revising, the changes to my iconography project are coming on slowly with spending all afternoon CV editing with Andy.

Thursday, 27 October 2011

Day 19 - afternoon

Saw that suspicious old couple nosying out of their window as I was looking out of mine waiting for Andy to arrive with his post.  As usual asked him if he would like a cup of tea.  Agreed and I gave him the surprise of a beautifully laid out CV.  Unfortunately Andy not as pleased with the work as I was.  (Seems to be a running theme this week.)  Thanked me all the same, but I wasn't going to let my lunchtime companion down by not giving him something he wanted.

Followed the next four hours negotiating on what from original CV would be regurgitated onto new CV.  Opinions greatly divided, however were almost finished when the other half came home.  Fearful row ensued, partly in front of Andy, where views were provided on the lack of merit of treating our home 'like a bally job centre!'.

Andy left rapidly, realising the time and that he had a bag full of letters still.  Writing this while other half has a bath and chance to calm down.

Day 19

Rewrote Andy's CV last night as I had planned.  Took some explanation to other half on why I was writing a CV for our postman.  Said it was my duty to help those who need it.  Replied that a tip at Christmas was sufficient and would I be offering this service to anyone else that might knock at the door?  Glow of winning quiz seems to have worn off.

Anyway, CV is complete, rewritten from scratch with sparing use of copy and paste where necessary.  Hope to see Andy later and will be busy with work until then.  Can't believe I watched that fearful rubbish on morning television yesterday.

Wednesday, 26 October 2011

Day 18 - afternoon

Managed to get to some work, suitably fueled with toast.  Was concerned about attire when thinking that perhaps Andy might visit around lunchtime, but said he wasn't bothered if I was in a dressing gown when he did.  A true measure of a man.

Andy brought his CV to me following him mentioning getting an alternative job yesterday.  Unfortunately had to be most kind not to identify countless issues all at once.  Said I was quite busy at the moment, but he could leave it with me for further reading.  Made note to self after Andy left to completely rehash tonight.

Day 18

Got an email from boss at the last minute yesterday.  Made no reference to the quiz, however was kind enough to make numerous references to all that was wrong with iconography project.  As a result will have to go over a lot of the work already done.  Highly displeased and spending some time this morning with extra toast as consolation.  Also might turn on morning television.  Really have sunk that low.

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

Day 17 - afternoon

Finally plucked up the courage to email boss following him mentioning the quiz.  Decided ignorance was the best policy, simply said thanks and asked what he would like me to work on next.  No reply as yet.

Had a nice surprise with a ring of my doorbell around lunchtime from Andy the postman.  Pleased that recent inferior postman was delivered himself elsewhere.  Invited Andy in for a cup of tea, hence diary entry later than usual.  Enjoyed a good chat about employment and so on.  Seems Andy isn't the only one looking for pastures new.  Anyway, went on his way with postbag, and I'm still lacking any work to do.

Day 17

Finished off the iconography project yesterday afternoon and sent it off to my boss.  Got an email back surprisingly quickly, given other email had received the silence treatment.  Maybe he's used to being silent being married to Horseface.  In any event, email received as follows.

"Thanks for the work.  Surprised you had enough time to get it done with the radio quiz and all."

That was it!  Evidently Horseface believes revenge is a dish best served cold (and probably small).

No further word from boss, so not sure best way to respond, but given I've now got no work I have all morning to decide.

Monday, 24 October 2011

Day 16 - lunch

Been plugging away at this awfully boring iconography project, now nearly complete.  Emailed boss mid-morning, naturally, with no reply forthcoming.

Carrying on after lunch and will see if I can find something else to keep me busy.

Day 16

Would not usually write about weekend activities but will make an exception.

Went to boss' house for dinner on Saturday.  Waited at the front door only to be greeted by Horseface!  Slightly taken back, Horseface and I stood in shocked silence, with my other half forming some semblance of politeness introducing us and saying she was most pleased to meet her!  Needless to say I was not quite so pleased but entered the house in any case, quite sure I was passing through the gates of Hades.

Followed the most peculiar dinner I had even attended.  Horseface (name remains withheld for obviously reasons) retained outwardly the utmost decorum throughout the meal.  However notable exceptions included fish subtly smaller than the others, wine refilled so infrequently the glass was barely wet, and dessert provided with a soup spoon.  Other half, happily with frequent wine refills enjoying time of her life!

Surprisingly neither Horseface nor her husband made any mention of the quiz.  Naturally I was in a state of nervousness throughout.  It was bad enough to be invited into the stable, as it were, but what would my boss think if he knew!

Eventually the inevitable happened and my boss brought up the quiz saying how well Horseface had done to get into the final.  (He clearly hadn't listened to Codger's performance.)  Thank god though! Other half was powdering her nose!  Replied saying I agreed she had done well, neither confirming or denying my part in the affair.  Conversation passed to other subjects by the time other half returned, and thankfully that was the last we heard of it.

Evening ended and we bolted not before time.  Horseface and boss showed much cordiality in showing us out, other half describing her joyous evening with much exuberance.  Admitted on way home she may be a bit tipsy, myself on the other hand close to heart attack.

Resolved to come clean when we were home but other half asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow.  Felt unable mention it the next morning on account of fending off accusations of why I let other half drink so much.  Also queried why I was feeling no ill effects.  Explanation of barely a thimble of alcohol passing my lips also taken badly.

Anyhow, I still have my victory, and that fearful event is over.  Back to proper work and I can finish off this terrible iconography project.  Barely had any time to enjoy a little extra toast last week, so I think I deserve some.

Saturday, 22 October 2011

Day 15 - afternoon

Can barely believe how the day unfolded.

Got ready as usual with plenty of time to spare and listened to digital radio positioned precariously on dashboard on the journey into town.  Horrified to learn that 'Five to Two Quiz' was actually on at five to two.

Arrived with barely a second to spare, sweating heavily, and with Horseface to greet me looking like winner of the Grand National.  Told me I had done well to get this far.  Horseface lucky I was out of breath.

All scores were zeroed and it came down to 5 questions.  Having written down our answers Horseface and I looked at each other intently.  This was mid-afternoon war.

We read our answers calmly, not ashamed to say my heart jumped with every wrong answer from Horseface.  In the first 4 questions we got 3 right each.  Again it came down to the last question, will record here for future reference.

"How many litres in a gallon?"

Horseface's answer wildly out, smirked slightly, causing visible contempt.

"3.8 litres" was my answer, and same reply was given "wrong".  My heart sunk, it was a draw and would go to sudden death.  But wait!  Instantly realised my mistake.  Informed presenter that I was referring to a US gallon, and as original of gallon was not provided I was right.  After some conferring I was pronounced winner!  Horseface highly displeased made some argument "off air" with much neighing, however my crown stuck, I am the winner!

Other half was home early today and was elated to hear the news.  Still more pleased when I presented her with a signed postcard from the news reader.  Told me I was the only man for her.  She's a darling.

Off out to dinner tomorrow with boss and wife.  It's been a good week.

Friday, 21 October 2011

Day 15

Other half simply delighted last night and showered affection all evening.  She left this morning cheerfully wishing me luck.

Best keep on top of work so will split time between that and reading quiz books.  Little time to write.

Day 14 - afternoon

Semi-final day on the quiz and there was no way I was going to lose out at this point.  Arrived in plenty of time again and set about studying while I waited.  Bought some terribly clever books and was learning lots.

Horseface came in followed by Codger (last minute as always - presumed he set off last night but was so slow).  Pressure was evident for all of us.  Codger had 8 points, Horseface had 10 and I had 9.  It was close.

The questions came and I answered confidently.  Looking around everyone was highly focused.  Thought at one point Codger had stopped breathing.

The results came in.  Horseface got the first 4 questions right, securing her place in the final.  It came down to the last question for Codger and I, and I got it!  Codger is history!

Can barely concentrate to work and waiting for other half to come home to share the big news!

Thursday, 20 October 2011

Day 14

Couldn't bear to write yesterday after awful performance at the quiz.  Came last.  It was rather an unreasonable set of questions, naturally favouring the older competitor.  Codger came first with 4 questions right, Horseface got 3 right and I got only 2 right.  In fairness to Horseface, she must be getting on in years.

Managed to stay well on top of work, so spending this morning reading up.

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

Day 13

Desperate to wipe smug look off Horseface so stayed up late reading quiz books bought in town after defeat yesterday, and read during breakfast.  Other half asked if I was taking it too seriously.  Too furious to answer.

Bit of work this morning then more reading over lunch and will head into town.

Day 12 - afternoon

Other half was highly impressed last night when informed of my success.  Kissed my forehead and we had dessert after dinner.  Told her about my objections to the news reader.  Said she wished she hadn't made dessert.

Had absolutely no time this morning to write - too busy reading trivia websites also with some work.

Left slightly later after lunch to get to the radio station but still had plenty of time to wait.  Made sure to hide book '1001 quiz questions' as Horseface arrived, followed eventually by Codger, presumably busy feeding ducks.

Never seen a smug looking horse, but can imagine what it would look like.  Horseface got 4 questions right, I got 3 right, Codger got 2 right (again).  At least proving health service wasted on pensioners.

Tuesday, 18 October 2011

Day 11 - afternoon

Very exciting afternoon!  Left around lunchtime to assure not being late and was shown around the radio station while I waited being on air.  Have to say I was very nervous!

Time soon came for the 'Five to Three Quiz' - terribly clever name on account of there being five questions to three contestants broadcast at 'five to three' in the afternoon.  The contestants compete weekly Monday to Thursday, and the two with the highest score compete in the 'Five to Two Quiz' on Friday, although still broadcast at 'five to three', highly baffling.

Shortly before start of quiz I met my opponents.  For sake of anonymity shall simply refer to Mrs Horseface and Mr Codger.  Mrs Horseface introduced as "home maker" (housewife), Mr Codger introduced as retired bank clerk (coppers counter).

Questions were posed at start of quiz and our written answers were collected and scores awarded as we read out our answers after the 3 o'clock news.  As a side note, absolutely no idea what other half means by 'dishy sounding news reader'.  Will be sure to report this when she comes home.

After news we read our answers, and I won!  I got 4 right, Horseface managed 3 questions right and Codger managed only 2!  Idiots!

Also managed bit of work.

Monday, 17 October 2011

Day 11

Worked diligently Friday afternoon so I could finish early.  Stopped for the quiz on the radio mid afternoon with a most peculiar outcome.

As I had done the day previous I texted in my answers, just for a bit of fun.  Turned out I did better than I thought.  Had a call from the producer "off air" (getting used to the lingo) saying that as I'd been one of two people to get all the answers right could I come into the studio next week to compete on air.  Was naturally flabbergasted, and said I would be delighted.

Told other half when she was home, with much incredulity.  Other half asked if I could get the autograph of 'that dishy sounding news reader'.  Emphatically declined.

So early afternoon I will be taking a trip into town to the radio studio.  Not sure about work yet, but I'm miles ahead so sure it won't be a problem.

Friday, 14 October 2011

Day 10

With my new radio and a bit of work to do I'm working pretty effectively, even if I do say so myself!  It was a bad start to the week but now settling into the routine.

Will probably work through lunch and aim to finish early since it's a Friday.

Thursday, 13 October 2011

Day 9 - afternoon

What a brilliant invention!  Can't believe I haven't bought a digital radio sooner!

Came back from the supermarket and setup my new radio and found a delightful local station to listen to while I embarked on work drudgery.  Was so entertained by the radio that I've worked almost completely through only stopping for their afternoon quiz whilst eating a late lunch.

Perhaps work isn't so bad!

Day 9

Finally had an email from boss yesterday, although I wish I hadn't.  Despite keeping me waiting over a week for some work, I have now been given some menial iconography work that would usually be palmed off on an intern to keep them quiet.  Not wanting to rock the boat so early on I quietly accepted the work.

If I'm going to be brain dead from the work I can at least have a bit of entertainment so I'm taking a trip to the supermarket before starting work to buy myself a radio.  Going out does mean I have the grind of having to get dressed however, so I don't take the trip lightly.

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

Day 8 - lunch

Still no email from boss, however did receive unfortunate email from receptionist saying that next time I choose to ship a "gaudy pink monstrosity" perhaps I would be kind enough "not to send a bloody rude note along with it thank you very much".  Evidently courier thought they would perform their delivery duties on both physical and verbal dispatches.

Day 8

Spent all afternoon waiting for email from boss but all I got was an email saying the bean bag would finally be relocated this morning.  Complete waste of half a day, but a pleasing result on the bean bag.

No complaints, I will diligently await my email.  Small amount of extra toast withstanding.

Tuesday, 11 October 2011

Day 7 - lunch

Killed as much time as possible but couldn't put it off any long, so went and checked work email.  I was going to have to confront the bean bag situation.

Greeted by another email address to 'All in Office' and winced as I clicked it.
"Dear All,
"The MD has been past and the bean bag package has still not been collected.  Please can whoever has ordered it collect it immediately."
Picked up the phone and dialed slowly.

Spoke to a very chirpy young lady whose mood seemed to turn slightly less chirpy as I explained the origin of the pink bean bag.  She did not seem to take the news well when I explained I wouldn't be collecting it and asked me to wait, evidently seeking advice from more senior receptionist.  Advice having been communicated by means of cackling laughter, the young receptionist returned to the call and said that perhaps facilities would be able to use the bean bag in a break out area and I could email them.

Having ended call I was then party to 'email tennis' discussion to explain erroneously shipping a pink bean bag to an office, and both positive and negative merits of finding a home for said bean bag in said office.  Also provided some guidance on whether pink would go with yellow.  Facilities manager agreed to kindly take the bean bag from reception and make some use of it.  Thanked her for your help.

No email yet received from boss, but with recent shock I will diligently sit at my desk waiting for it.

Day 7

Oh god!  Couldn't bear to respond to work yesterday about that god forsaken bean bag.  Killing time now watching morning television and solemnly eating toast.

Monday, 10 October 2011

Day 6 - lunch

Received terrible email from work.

Dropped my boss an email this morning and decided to indulge in some toast while waiting for a reply.  Upon resuming my work shortly after (thus far principally involving rearrangement of desktop icons and corporate juggling) I received an email addressed to 'All in Office'.  I felt very smug knowing it would be some drivel about broken heating or some such.  Imagine my horror as I began to read the email, pasted below for full ghastly effect.
"Dear All, 
"Can whoever has ordered a pink bean bag please come to reception and pick it up.  It's taking up quite a bit of space so sooner the better. 
I felt a sickening feeling.  It's not possible that someone else had ordered a pink bean bag, is it?

Day 6

Good morning!  Well it was a relaxing weekend, although seemed odd having been at home for the days previous.

Anyway, I now have my digital key, so it's time to get on with some proper work.  Not even having any extra toast this morning.

Friday, 7 October 2011

Day 5 - lunch

Had packaged up stupid pink bean bag, and as luck would have it the package from IT came by the same courier company.  Having signed for the package from IT I sent the courier off with the bean bag and a few choice words for the idiots that sent it to me.

Had enough of this week, although I have now received parcel from IT with digital key I need.  This can wait until Monday - they kept me waiting.

Day 5

End of the week, thank god, although no work as been done as yet.

Spent yesterday afternoon awaiting courier, also inspecting suspicious old couple's activities in doing so.  I'm sure they cannot see me through the blinds.

Courier finally arrived, and I opened the door expecting the package from IT.  Box seemed larger and lighter than I had expected but parcel was signed for and I took it in.  Decided against offering courier man a cup of tea having seen burned by inferior postman yesterday.  Also be looked quite burley.

Upon opening parcel I entered a period of irate disgust.  Not only had the mail order company delivered the wrong style of bean bag, it was bright pink.  Too annoyed to process this information I left the opened parcel in the hall and sat in a huff in the kitchen until other half came home, at which point we had a fearful row over why I had bought a bean bag, why it was pink, and why it was in the middle of the hall.

I did manage to call the mail order company once I'd calmed down, so I'm now awaiting return of courier today.

Thursday, 6 October 2011

Day 4 - afternoon

I waited expectantly at the door as I saw the red coat of postman Andy arrive, only to open the door and find it some other postman entirely.  Postman seemed displeased about my attire, looking me up and down as he gave me the letters.  To make matters worse there is still no package from IT, and neighbours also appeared to be looking at me whilst they walked past.  Never liked that old couple anyway, always seemed suspicious.  Did extent the hand of friendship and offer new postman (no name provided) a cup of tea, however he declined saying he "had a job to do".  I replied "as do I!" indignantly shutting the door.

Had some lunch having got rid of inferior postman and decided I should ring IT and ask about package.  Did so, and was informed it had been shipped via courier and I should expect it today.

Spent the afternoon so far looking out of the window awaiting courier.

Day 4

Of course I have yet to receive my IT package, so no point getting up early today.  Stayed in bed while other half got ready for work and left.  Expecting IT package from Andy later though.

Wednesday, 5 October 2011

Day 3 - afternoon

Having enjoyed my extended breakfast (without that breakfast television rubbish I should add) my postman, Andy, arrived at 11.42am.  I note the time having been waiting for my IT package.

In any case, having quickly scanned my post and noting no IT package received, I did have a nice conversation with my postman.  In fact, I was forward enough to invite him in for a cup of tea.  Was slightly concerned about my appearance, being in my pre-work attire, however he seemed not to mind.  Will be sure to bring this up with other half that others are not so concerned about dressing gowns.

I wonder if it's some unknown fact of the working populous that postmen (and women) frequent the streets chatting to their letters' designators?

Day 3

Absolute joke yesterday.  Boss finally called me at 10.30, by which point I'd given up waiting for the call and with no work to do and being tired with juggling was in the process of ordering an oversized beanbag for my office.  Quickly ended call and talked to both my current and ex- boss.

Long and short of the call was I needed to talk to IT about "VPN" and he was out of office for the rest of the week.  Called IT, who are sending me a special encryption stick, expected today.

With no ability to do the work I don't have, I am taking the liberty of a longer breakfast today.  Should note I have decided against wearing my dressing gown during working hours, although I am making an exception today.

Tuesday, 4 October 2011

Day 2

"Arrived" home before my other half last night - brilliant!  Tried not to rub it in about her being stuck in a traffic jam.  Probably didn't help still being in dressing gown.  Did explain about fresh pair of boxers.  Also ineffective.

Anyway, call with my boss today so I wanted to make sure I was in the office ready for his call.  Not as much morning television today - I'm a modern day corporate dynamo!

Addendum 9.30am  Spent the last hour and a half waiting for the call.  No call yet.  Did make sure my computer was really configured well though.  Also much better at corporate juggling.  Feeling less like company is terrible already.

Monday, 3 October 2011

Day 1 - lunch

Going brilliantly so far!  Spent this morning setting up my computer, sent to me along with corporate indoctrination care package.  Computer worked fine, but didn't have access to the corporate network, so spent the morning getting to grips with the company juggling balls.  More practice needed.

Day 1

This is it - day 1!  I'm writing this at the breakfast table before getting to work.  At this point I would have been commuting, but not any more!  I can laze on my arse for another 30 minutes and still 'arrive' at work at the same time.

Some people say you need to dress in a shirt and tie, or take a walk around the block, to get you in the frame of mind for work.  My method involves sitting in my dressing gown eating extra toast and watching morning television.  If there's anything that makes me want to buckle down and get to it it's watching that rubbish.

In terms of dress I should note I've donned a fresh pair of boxer shorts, so that will help with my work ethic too.