Incredibly late entry today on account of earlier events. Was held up in office for some considerable time, and regretted greatly having escaped to office so early in morning. Was interrupted late-morning by other half bringing cup of tea and toast. She's a darling. Said mother was seeming better this morning, although other half relayed gravely that mother "didn't care for you one jot". Thought this grossly unfair but said nothing and sustained by tea and toast continued with work.
Was almost starving by lunch, even with toast provided by other half (quantity somewhat lower than would have liked), and was grateful when other half came in, although only to hand me mobile telephone. Said hello and heard Sergeant Brooks' voice in reply, which considered particularly bad omen. Said he had received a telephone call from an unnamed source with regards to a theft and that if it was all the same would be paying a visit presently. Said this quite unnecessary and could information not be passed on over telephone. Sergeant most insistent, which thought odd, so said we would be waiting. Considered, having put down telephone, why it would be necessary to speak to me, but telling other half about Sergeant, thought nothing more of it.
Sat in lounge with other half awaiting arrival of Sergeant, whilst keeping a deal of distance from Mrs Payne in kitchen. Some anxious minutes passed in silence, spent wondering what I had done to deserve another call from the police. In any event, door bell soon rang, and invited Sergeant Brooks in. Chap seemed more reasonable than usual, felt it somewhat disconcerting.
Sergeant Brooks said he had received a report of a theft, and was proceeding to make enquiries. Looking over at the clock turned to Sergeant with quizzical look.
"No, not that, Sherlock," answered Sergeant, proving equally unreasonable as usual. Continued to say it was concerning Mrs Payne. Look passed between other half and I, and she rose to get Mrs Payne from kitchen. Upon getting to kitchen other half uttered "Oh! I say!" at which point Sergeant and I rushed to door to find Mrs Payne making break for it across garden towards wheelie bin.
"Not this time!" Sergeant exclaimed, and was out of the back door like a shot, and apprehended Mrs Payne, clearly twice the weight and half as nimble as last person to use bin in this manner, barely managing to get leg off the ground.
Escorting Mrs Payne back to lounge, sat her down in armchair, no worse for wear, but considerably exhausted after failed escape. Other half, quite unable to take any more, poor dear, asked mother what the devil was going on, awfully upset. Mrs Payne flatly refused to answer, and was left for Sergeant to provide details.
Upon arrival at train station earlier in week, Mrs Payne, despite informing other half of visit, had in fact not made same plan with nursing home. Instead, had vacated the place quite incognito, taking with her significant quantity of medicines, most of which not her own. Nursing home staff had caught up with Mrs Payne at train station, but had managed to lose sight of her and had been calling frantically all week. I replied that this was most odd, as had received some prank telephone calls earlier in week, but since had received not one. Quick investigation by Sergeant unearthed the cause, that being a small knitting needle wedged savagely into telephone wire. Other half most displeased about this, and Mrs Payne looked sheepish.
"I say, her suitcase arrived a whole train before she did!" I exclaimed. With this, Mrs Payne spoke up, saying that she had cause to hide in the Gentleman's toilets to avoid capture. "Oh, mother!" was all other half could utter in dismay.
Knowing the game was up, Mrs Payne continued, saying how she had wanted to get out of the nursing home, and had set her mind to living with her daughter. Went on to say if she convinced daughter to divorce me, would then be able to do so. Thought this quite silliest thing had ever heard, and couldn't possibly hold grudge for it!
Situation now this: other half, quite unable to send mother back to nursing home, invited her to stay until Christmas! Hair-brained scheme may well have been silliest thing had ever heard, but this may be sillier still. More tinned mince for dinner.