Late entry this morning on account of feeling quite unwell. This almost certainly attributed to unfortunate consumption of Mrs Payne's cake.
Total time of baking quite uncertain, but positively no uncertainty as to density of result. After dinner made every indication that was quite full, but at great insistence from Mrs Payne was given a slice of cake most generous. Presume cake to have consistency perhaps of interest to local archaeologists, as outer parts of cake quite hardest material have ever come across. In curious contrast to this, inner confines of cake appear almost liquid. Sole uniformity of cake is concerning dark brown colouring with no clue as to what cake may contain, resulting in a mud-pie like quality. Queries as to ingredients from Mrs Payne merely returned "this and that". Unaware whether it is "this" or "that" causing the problem, but cake most foulest have ever come across.
Could not possibly entertain the horrid lump without something to improve taste, so helped myself to double cream. Other half, usually steering clear of cream, helped herself to a quantity of it. Throughout onerous process of eating gruesome dessert, Mrs Payne commented liberally on quality of the cake, saying it was positively the best one she has ever made. Have profound concern for victims of previous abominations, presumed dead.
Having finished dessert and helped ourselves to a stiff drink was horrified to learn only a quarter of the cake had yet been eaten.