Friday, 30 March 2012

Day 125 - lunch

Positively furious this morning as stalked out to drive once builders had arrived to give some quite sharp words regards skip, and hang the consequences.  This taken with abundant lack of concern, said would telephone skip company regards moving it, and to "keep my shirt on".  Replied certainly WAS keeping my shirt on, and would appreciate this sooner the better.  Builder said would telephone now.  Further, could he use our telephone?

Skip truck arrived some time later, said was terribly sorry, this was address given, further, did I not want the skip?  Said I jolly well did not, as quite obviously had not ordered it, and could jolly well move the thing.  This duly agreed to, and followed positively ridiculous activity like children's puzzle, where first skip already on truck was removed, only to allow empty skip to be moved, before putting it back.  Waited with arms crossed on drive with awfully stern look whilst this carried out.  Truck driver said not to worry, would be awfully quick about it, enlisted help of builders regards direction.

Pleased to say skip presently removed from drive.  Truck slowly lifted skip, and with single movement proceeded to move from one drive to next.  This rather less successful, as deciding not to set skip upon truck first, drove around directly, causing profound noise in bashing skip against truck, and with much shouting from builders, promptly loosed skip onto fence between houses, and further, our flowerbed.  Not content with single fence panel being dislodged, sheer power of skip caused quite ripple effect, as one by one wooden post fence gave way, as entire fence fell sideways from front of house to back.

Looked down drive in silence to see destruction.  Fence panels lay like dominoes, with fence posts remaining at angles of varying jaunt.  Towards back garden panels lay precariously against various bushes and flowers.  Mrs Payne peeped out of front door, exclaiming,
"Watch out for the flower bed!".  Too furious to reply to this, and as skip was lifted once more to reveal flower bed, now positively two dimensional in appearance, exclaimed to all present,
"What the DEVIL is THIS!".

Builders most dismissive, said was certainly not their fault, and very inconvenient - now couldn't get down drive on account of fence panels.  Could I "sort of out"?  Said most certainly could NOT "sort it out", further, had better jolly well get this fixed or would be ringing police!

Stalked back into house in absolute fury, passing Mrs Payne on way in.  Sat down in my armchair, usually frequented by Mrs Payne, staring at carpet with intense anger.  Mrs Payne commented carelessly,
"I see the skip is moved then.  Were we going to the coffee shop?".
After some silent minutes replied,
"I'll get my coat".

Day 125

Woken up this morning by fearful noise.  Assumed this builders next door, although thought best of spying on them in case caught, causing further antagonism.  Still most annoyed by incident yesterday with sherry.  Kept this quiet from other half, although had noted sherry bottle rather empty.  Said it was Mrs Payne.

Upon finishing breakfast Mrs Payne queried as to whether I was going out today.  Said as it happens may well go to coffee shop, did she want to join me?  Reply that would be awfully nice, although would have to move skip first.  Begged her pardon, but what skip, and why would have to move it?

Followed explanation that skip had been delivered this morning onto our drive.  Mrs Payne, looking out of bedroom window at front of house had seen whole thing.  Not a soul in sight but driver, who promptly left skip.  Further added she gave him a little wave, most rudely did not respond.  Replied was terribly bad manners regards wave, but had she not thought to stop driver, as skip clearly not ours?  Said had assumed I had got it, rather specious with reason to "clear out your office".  Begged her pardon once more, but how much rubbish did she think one could fit in one room?  This altogether ignored.

Went to look at drive from lounge window and positively furious to find large skip now towering over car, and almost to bumper of it (leaving other half's altogether free, bound to say), and most effectively wedging my car between house and skip.  Looking at this and rather bemused other half said she was going to work.  Mrs Payne, added with nonchalant disregard,
"Do you think you'll fill it?"

Thursday, 29 March 2012

Day 124 - lunch

Mrs Payne happy at lunchtime on account of ears being altogether clear.  Explained it was just wax!  Not sure what is worse.

Over lunch Mrs Payne begged my pardon, but where had bag of items gone for charity shop?  Was terribly sorry, but hadn't seen a glimpse of a bag.  Followed some concerned moments, came to awfully sharp realisation, asked had it been left by back door, next to fence?  Mrs Payne said as it happens, yes it had.

Went outside and with worst nightmare builders had now arrived, and had not a chance of retrieving bag.  Further, whilst considering predicament nervously, had awful run-in with builder, opening with, "Oi!", and ending with quite some discussion on dumping rubbish on other people's properties against law.  Said he had good mind to tell the owners, and obviously they had made some mistake in moving in next to "some right nutters".  Explained this altogether unnecessary and was sure something could be worked out.

After some negotiation, offers of cups of tea promptly dismissed, settled finally on recompense.  Most furious coming back to house, called to Mrs Payne,
"Get the sherry!".

Day 124

Telephoned council and explained about mistake regards visit.  This taken most reasonably, said they would visit again shortly.  Very pleased with this.

Positively furious however at breakfast this morning to find bag of rubbish thrown over fence by builders!  Went outside to give some rather sharp words and found for once builders altogether absent.  As such promptly threw bag back over fence and stormed into house.

Mrs Payne altogether disinterested in this over breakfast, and asking the matter explained she had got a bit of cheese stuck in ear.  Thought this positively frightful, said to watch out for any nearby mice.  Mrs Payne quivered at this, held her ear and looked around with worry.

Wednesday, 28 March 2012

Day 123 - lunch

Came down for lunch to find Mrs Payne sound asleep in armchair.  Gave her something of nudge and promptly woke up.  Pre-empted question and said no, there were not any biscuits.

Having lunch Mrs Payne recalled someone from council at door, had sent him away.  Most furious with this, said I had asked him to come about noise!  Mrs Payne added by way of agreement, yes, had come about noise.  Further, had asked who was creating it.  At this Mrs Payne said could not possibly have been builders, as were being quiet as a mouse.  As such wondered had someone reported me, as was awfully loud sometimes.  Positively furious at this, exclaimed,
"MRS PAYNE!", before realising my mistake.  Waited for inevitable reply from Mrs Payne,

Calmed myself for some moments and asked in politest possible manner,
"MRS Payne, have you reported me for excessive noise?".  Received rather surprised reply,
"Well, I fancy so.".

Day 123

Most annoyed this morning to find Mrs Payne's dress still hanging up in kitchen having been washed yesterday.  Dress altogether in way hanging from hat stand, and quite like having two Mrs Paynes in the room.  Most frightening in this regard.

Stated with quite some frustration that had quite had enough regards builders and would jolly well be telephoning council.  Further, could dress kindly be put away now dry?  Mrs Payne most displeased at this interruption to breakfast, however said would fold it, got up with an "ooof".

Picking dress from hanger Mrs Payne altogether confused, and after several moments of consideration, exclaimed,
"It's stiff as a board!".
At this proceeded to hold out the now cardboard like dress at quite a jaunt, and promptly knocked over nearby plant.  Repeating, as if trying to shake off shock,
"Stiff as a board!".

Gave it some consideration myself, and explained wash had obviously not been thorough enough.  Said was some silver lining and all, wouldn't need to iron it! Mrs Payne evidently too shocked to reply.

Tuesday, 27 March 2012

Day 122 - lunch

Terribly warm weather at the moment and quite glorious sunshine.  This all the more annoying at being shut inside to avoid noise from builders.  Mrs Payne with her cheese thought this altogether irrelevant, and strode into garden in morning to sit in sun.

Came down for mid-morning tea and found Mrs Payne altogether incommunicable, not only on account of earplugs, but altogether being asleep.  Gave her a little tap and presently woke up with a start.  Taking cheese out of ears asked was there any biscuits.

Begged her pardon, but was she greying more than usual.  Took some affront to this, said she was blessed with natural colour.  Said was terribly sorry to inform her, but hair quite grey, and further, as were clothes.  At this builder from next door shoved spadeful of cement into mixer, and cloud of dust passed over garden, further coating Mrs Payne in thin layer of white dust, also myself.  Stated she did find the air a bit "gritty" today.  Positively furious with builders, gave some awfully sharp words regards watching what they were doing.  Only response,
"Got any more to drink?".  Too furious to respond.

Helping Mrs Payne up, stole into house in utmost rage and brought brush for clothes.  Quickly cleaned myself off, but setting about Mrs Payne, most upset at rather vigorous brushing, and dust altogether not coming off.  Suggested she get changed, and added next time to be jolly well more careful with the sherry.

Day 122

Had fearful row regards giving builders tea over dinner last night.  Other half most in agreement with mother saying altogether neighbourly thing to do.  Said were certainly not neighbours, unless after finishing extension would be moving in together, and quite unsure as to having enough room for six burly builders.  Was told to stop being ridiculous.

Builders started early again this morning and have bought annoying cement mixer also, churning away.  Weather rather warm for this time of year, and in office am either boiling like lobster with window closed, or in middle of building site with window open.  In any event, ever so clever regards Mrs Payne giving tea to builders as have quite taken away all the tea leaving not a leaf for Mrs Payne to make tea with.

Most annoyed whilst getting ready for work to see Mrs Payne tottering outside and leaving back door wide open.  Returning to house made quite some point regards leaving builders alone, and further, was quite impossible to make tea, as had taken the lot!  Mrs Payne largely unconcerned with this, said this strategy most unsuccessful, as had given them something else anyway.  Further, added, by the by, that I might like to buy some more sherry.

Monday, 26 March 2012

Day 121 - lunch

Noise continued all this morning from builders, most distracting from work.  Mrs Payne oblivious to this.

Coming down for lunch found Mrs Payne altogether absent from usual armchair, and investigating kitchen found back door positively gaping, and Mrs Payne in garden.  Most annoyed at door open, as was letting in terrible draught, and positively furious to find Mrs Payne delivering cups of tea to builders.

Returning to house Mrs Payne awfully pleased with herself.  Received utmost protestation as to fraternising with enemy, and bound to say went as far as calling her Judas.  This taken with complete obliviousness, and with some annoyance said at volume,
This apparently stirred Mrs Payne, who taking cheese out of ears, asked,
"Did you say 'biscuit'?  Yes please.".
Most annoyed at this, said no, I jolly well did not.  This all too late, as Mrs Payne had already helped herself.  All the same, provided one or two sharp words regarding not providing tea.  Mrs Payne declared this absolute nonsense, and further builders terribly nice chaps, one had said "thanks, gorgeous".
This all too much, and quite speechless.


Day 121

Awful weekend on account of builders arriving at neighbouring house, previously vacated, and performing all kinds of activities with what looks like house extension.  This produced all kinds of noise, not to mention awful music blaring out, and worst, positively fearful singing from builders.

Had quite some complaint over breakfast this morning as to builders already having started, and really was most unreasonable.  This greeted by silence from Mrs Payne, and after further comments seemed to be ignoring me entirely.  Begged her pardon, but had I upset her, and eventually realising the cause, exclaimed,

Mrs Payne removing ear plugs, said was terribly sorry, did I say something?  Said not to mind, and further, where did she get ear plugs from.  This explained with much pleasure that had made ear plugs herself, out of cheese.  Positively shocked to the core by this, and altogether speechless.  Mrs Payne most pleased by her innovation, said she would be happy to make me a pair, and further queried,
"Red leicester, or double gloucester?".

Friday, 23 March 2012

Day 120 - lunch

Had dinner, with nothing altogether special by way of making later surprise more exciting.  Following knock at door said with much annoyance was surely charity worker at door, and would give them quite piece of mind!  At this ever so cleverly let boss and Horseface inside, and shoving birthday banner in hands, told them to jolly well get on with it!

Having finished dinner led other half through to lounge, who got quite shock to see boss and Horseface, shouting at awful volume, "SURPRISE!".  Other half most pleased at this, and was terribly sneaky of us to organise it.  Also banner very kind, but rather confused with spelling:

"  A P   Y    B I R    D  Y"

This explained by boss as was awfully sorry, letters simply fell off of own accord, and couldn't do a thing with them.  Presently handed other half remaining letters.  All thought this hilarious.

Other half said was terribly sorry, had not a jot to offer them to eat.  At this with much pride Mrs Payne said she would "see what she could find", disappeared into kitchen with boss and Horseface awfully frightened on account of previous dealings with Mrs Payne's bakery.

All astonished as Mrs Payne returned with nicest of cakes, and bound to say decorated rather well, saying with full lettering "Happy Birthday", with zig zag underneath.  This taken rather too far however, as zig zag, with evident enthusiasm, continued down side of cake and on to tray, where it ended with large spot of pooled icing.  All said this rather clever of Mrs Payne, and would certainly have a piece.

Boss and Horseface most keen for other half to open gift, and doing so revealed silk scarf that other half most pleased with.  Said was very generous of them, and certainly nicest of gifts had received, noting carefully that my gift had yet to arrive.  At this excused myself, and going to kitchen retrieved my gift from kitchen draw.

Presently handed gift to other half, saying gift altogether arrived on time.  Most excited by this, called me a "bounder".  Begged my pardon though, why was wrapping paper covered in icing?  Said had unfortunate run-in with icing bag.  Proceeded several minutes or careful unwrapping, with much icing being consumed during process.  This proved altogether sticky task, and quite unable to open the little box due to covered fingers, excused herself to wash hands.  In meantime Mrs Payne clearing wrapping paper promptly stuck quantity of the sticky side to dress, exclaiming, "bother!".

Loved the locket.

Day 120

Had fearful trouble keeping secret for birthday, as had arranged for boss and Horseface to come around unexpectedly after dinner.  As such had arranged with Mrs Payne to make altogether little fuss of other half's birthday beforehand.

Were both altogether shocked as other half came home early, and further that Mrs Payne only just finished icing cake, with myself supervising.  With terribly keen reactions promptly picked up cake and hid in rarely used cupboard, and grabbing icing bag, shoved it in draw, with quite a quantity of icing oozing out.  Mrs Payne, with large sheet of card that had practice icing on, tottered around kitchen quivering with panic, before attempting to shove card into washing machine.  This moving altogether difficult on account of size, in a last moment of panic placed it neatly on kitchen chair, proceeded to sit on it.

Went to greet other half and wished her happy birthday again.  Had arranged that present altogether delayed, and as such other half rather disappointed.  Had only received a pair of socks from Mrs Payne, true to her word of only spending a pound of two.

Whilst other half taking off coat quietly rushed to kitchen to find Mrs Payne investigating state of dress, and bound to say icing positively covering posterior.  Suggested could sneak upstairs in meantime and change dress on account of being too cold.  Mrs Payne said with dismay that would not only be dress, icing had soaked through.

Kept other half in lounge whilst Mrs Payne made her escape and said I would be making dinner.  Mrs Payne returned several minutes later to help, with terribly stories of icing.  Comment as to bottom "still feeling gooey" all too much.

Will write more later.

Thursday, 22 March 2012

Day 119 - lunch

Have now picked up birthday items from town, and bound to say am most pleased by both.  Cake terribly nice, with clean white icing ready for Mrs Payne's birthday message.  Have given strict instruction as to tone down red dye and for rather a pink colour than blood red.  This duly noted.

Locket positively perfect also, and sure other half will like it.  Have carefully cut out photos and placed inside for Mrs Payne to admire.  Said this most ingenious, and hoped her photo was equally well received in China.  Explained again that photo was not on the "intputernet".

Closing the locket gave Mrs Payne strict instructions as to spend this afternoon practicing icing and to make sure was quite tidy by time other half came home.  Mrs Payne seemed to positively blush at this.  Asking the matter, explained our photos were now kissing.  Said it was time for lunch.

Day 119

Had fearful row with other half regards ruined slipper.  Had unfortunate task of fabricating story in order to hide truth that was due to Mrs Payne's icing for other half's birthday cake.  Explained to Mrs Payne that would use story that split jam on it whilst having toast.

Other half most annoyed at this, said further to ruining slipper, jam terribly expensive and bought it for herself as I had said didn't like jam.  This most uncomfortable, however Mrs Payne thankfully added to fabrication saying I was attempting to open jar for her.  This altogether satisfactory, although Mrs Payne thinking the rouse height of cleverness, said she had told me not to put slipper in washing machine.  Furious at this.

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

Day 118 - lunch

Left Mrs Payne this morning with icing bag and several pieces of card by way of practice for icing cake.  Thought this altogether madness and would sooner get jolly nice note wishing happy birthday done at cake shop, but Mrs Payne most insistent as to doing this.

Progress not altogether abundant when coming down for mid-morning tea.  Found Mrs Payne concentrating fearfully on icing bag, with little nozzle oozing uncontrollably with awful blood red icing.  Upon hearing me Mrs Payne promptly turned around and still holding icing bag said was having fearful trouble regards making icing, proceeding to drip quantity of icing on floor, and before had time to return bag to table, also my slipper.

Most annoyed at this, as would be awfully difficult to explain red mark on slipper to other half.  Mrs Payne said not to worry, could easily pop in washing machine.  Terribly simple and slipper would come out good as new.  Quite unsure on this, but did as suggested.

At lunch Mrs Payne still concentrating on icing, and bound to say had rather more on table than on mock cake.  Said it rather more difficult than had remembered, but was sure to get it.  Also would need more icing, as had almost gone through box.  In any case was it time for lunch?

Furious as mentioned some moments later, mentioned by the by, slipper positively fell apart.  Really terribly poor workmanship.  However, terribly good news, had only put right slipper with red in, so left slipper same as usual, and would I like to wear it?  Too furious to answer.

Day 118

Quite some preparations taking place for other half's birthday on Thursday.  As such yesterday afternoon tasked Mrs Payne with making rather nice banner for lounge window saying Happy Birthday.  Have printed out some jolly nice letters on sheets of printer paper, with Mrs Payne stringing together with ribbon for hanging.  This undertaken with much excitement.  Said she had never made banner before.

Coming down for mid-afternoon tea most pleased to see banner complete.  Mrs Payne stated was terribly difficult regards to letters, as had to thread them on backwards.  Replied this all together evidence, further, in inspecting banner, what was:

Happy Birthyad?

Mrs Payne most displeased at this, began unthreading paper and muttering fearfully.  Said not to worry, still had two "yads" to go.

Tuesday, 20 March 2012

Day 117 - lunch

Had most productive morning in town, and now quite certain as to having gift for other half.

Sought out cake shop with Mrs Payne awfully slow regards walking.  Got to shop with great level of annoyance from Mrs Payne and huffing and puffing.  Cheered up as was offered cake samples, however.  Suggested with each sample that could add another tier to cake.  Said this rather excessive for birthday.  Mrs Payne most disappointed.

Left Mrs Payne to own devices to get her own gift, declaring would only spend "a pound or two".  Promptly went to jewellers and found terribly nice locket with room for two little tiny photos.  Thought this most clever as could have photo of me, and less clever, of Mrs Payne.  Secured locket and said would pick it up tomorrow with engraving.  Explained would like "To my wife" on back.

Presently found Mrs Payne back in cake shop, and bound to say took some encouragement to leave yet more cake sampling.  Explained to shop owner that Mrs Payne certainly NOT looking for golden wedding cake, as was widow.  Owner promptly took samples a way.  Mrs Payne stormed out of shop in much annoyance saying would certainly not be frequenting store after such rudeness.

Set about getting photos taken at local gallery for locket, Mrs Payne most perplexed at this.  Queried how could get photos so small.  Explained was all on computer these days.  Mrs Payne said she didn't like thought of photo whizzing around the world, and would people in China be looking at her photo?  Most exasperated by this.  Further, Mrs Payne asked photographer if he had any photos from China on his tabletop computer.  Said with regret he didn't.

Coming out of gallery saw Horseface cantering past, and pleased to see had completely missed us.  Most annoyed to find Mrs Payne bellowing out at some volume, "Coooeee!", and had just finished providing quite some sharp words on calling over Horseface, when promptly arrived.  Horseface explained was terribly glad to see us, and did we have any ideas for birthday gift for other half.  Said we positively didn't, with obligatory comments about "usual tat".

Asking as to business in gallery, Mrs Payne promptly answered about locket.  Most annoyed about this as would like to be surprise for all.  Horseface thought this altogether hilarious, and in fits of laughter said that when the locket was closed our two photos would be kissing!  At this Mrs Payne explained, "Oh I say!".  Furious at this, replied thought positively horrifying.

Day 117

Thought awfully hard and pleased to say have come up with idea for gift for other half.  As such going into town this morning with Mrs Payne to shop.  Will try to avoid Horseface as seem to be in town altogether too much at moment.  Boss must wonder if I work at all.

Decided upon cake from shop rather than homemade, as thought this altogether better for larger number of people and can get rather nice message on top.  Mrs Payne declared this most ridiculous, said she had won icing writing competition as a girl.  Begged her pardon, but thought they wrote on slate rather than cake?  Took this most badly, asked when we were going to town.

Monday, 19 March 2012

Day 116 - lunch

Most nervous this morning regards birthday gifts for other half, could not think of solitary possibility.  This further aggravated as asking Mrs Payne on her gifts, received nonchalant reply as to "usual tat", and further as I was getting rather special gifts would not possibly try to compete.  Pressed by asking if she was to get nice gifts what might they be.  Reply, "oh, a car, I shouldn't wonder", altogether useless.

Decided in any event would organise jolly nice surprise party, so telephoned boss, promptly said would be delighted and was awfully nice idea, further did I have any ideas for gift?  Declared had not a jot of idea for myself, and would be hanged if was providing an idea if I did.  This duly accepted, said was sure Horseface would organise "usual tat".  Getting fearfully annoyed with this term.

Day 116

Terribly good weekend as visited dear friend Susan for her birthday.  This most enjoyable and had altogether delicious cake.  Had unfortunate luck of bringing Mrs Payne, despite protestation as to leaving her at home.  Other half said this most unfair, could not possibly fend for herself.  Said was more concerned about biscuits fending for themselves.

Point altogether proven right regards leaving Mrs Payne at home, as most rudely asked Susan age, and despite awful glare from other half, said she looked terribly well for her age, must not be a day older than her!  Replied this fearful nonsense, Mrs Payne positively decades older and quite likely age of mother!  Mrs Payne most displeased with this, said she felt like as fit as a fiddle.  Further, was there any more cake?

Visit came to end and rolling Mrs Payne to car, more cake than woman, frightful to learn that other half rather similar in birthday, being this Thursday.  Most aggrieved at this, had not a clue was so soon.  Replied I had noticed the similar dates earlier and was wondering if she would say.  Mrs Payne said was terribly pleased I knew, as some husbands most forgetful, and was sure of most dazzling of gifts.  Now know how the biscuit feels.

Friday, 16 March 2012

Day 115 - lunch

Found Mrs Payne altogether ignored knock at door so rushed downstairs to let gas man in.  Most displeased at this, said he had been waiting some minutes.

At noise Mrs Payne woke up from slumber and by way of greeting gas man proceeded to tip her tin foil hat.  Gas man nodded dutifully.  Apologised for Mrs Payne, explained she was rather senile.  This quickly interjected by Mrs Payne shouting,
Ignored this entirely and sent gas man in direction of boiler.  Seeing gas man had left room, Mrs Payne added,
"ARE YOU SURE HE'S THE RIGHT MAN?  SEEMED POSITIVELY USELESS LAST TIME", at which gas man turned around and gave me furious glare.  Smiled weakly and relayed glare to Mrs Payne.

Some time passed of diagnosis, and gas man owned could not find a thing wrong.  Declared this positive nonsense, and by way of explanation turned on tap and not a jot of hot water flowed.  Awfully annoyed by this, gave sharp comment regards utmost buffoonery of work, and if could not sort out simple thing as hot water would jolly well look to reporting him to authorities.  Took awfully badly to this, said was "bloody ignorance" on behalf of myself and further if didn't have confidence in his ability, would take his 50 pounds call out fee, and we could hang!  Declared would not even consider paying 50 pounds, as sheer stupidity on his part had resulted in boiler not fixed in first place.

Hearing rather heated exchange Mrs Payne came through to kitchen, and having lifted various headpieces such that could hear, asked again if water back on.  Bound to say gave awfully terse reply that no, was not.  Mrs Payne most disappointed in this, said she was hoping for cup of tea.  Begged her pardon, but tea did not need hot water, could use cold, further would have tea myself if she would be so kind.

Mrs Payne looked most confused, and picking up kettle set about filling it.  Turning cold tap, not a jot of water flowed either.  At this Mrs Payne held out kettle by way of demonstration, and angling such that could peer inside, said,
"See, not a jot of water!".
Furious at this, begged her pardon, but had specifically said earlier, there was no hot water, and quite neglected to say was no cold either!

Hearing this, gas man further annoyed, said I had him on "right merry goose chase", and would think we'd check if water main was off.  At this promptly demanded his 50 pounds, adding would not be coming back to "this bloody nut house" again.  Positive shook with rage as handed over cheque for 50 pounds, and promptly showed him to door.

Once gone returned to Mrs Payne, and in much annoyance asked why she hadn't told me cold water was also off.  Furious with reply,
"You didn't ask!".

Day 115

Much aggrieved this morning, having enjoyed awfully good day yesterday in warmest of homes, to hear scream from bathroom at frightening volume, the likes would have quite done in someone of nervous disposition.  Went to see the matter and most dismayed to see Mrs Payne leaving bathroom uttering familiar phrase, "Get the board!".  By way of lightening situation, begged her pardon, but ironing board?  Mrs Payne most annoyed at this, said in awfully cross mood was no hot water.

Furious at evidently shoddy workmanship regards boiler, and ringing gas man said had better jolly well appear presently or else.  Thankfully this agreed to, and most pleased as had not jot of recourse regards the "else".  As such now waiting on gas man at 10 o'clock.

Mrs Payne, now ever so practiced with regards to living in the elements, set about gathering things for warmth.  Explained this altogether unnecessary had she not left front door open yesterday.  This greeted with disgruntled silence.

Watched as Mrs Payne stalked house grumbling awfully, as first donned coat and hat, then dressing gown and tea cosy on head.  Complained place was positively glacial, and retrieving further items from kitchen, proceeded to sit in arm chair, and pull pillow cases up legs.  Further, pulling sheet of tin foil from dispenser, wrapped around legs.  This quite inadequate, set about fashioning another sheet into cone shape, and neatly placed on head, rather like Tin Man, adding by way of explanation,
At this left pointy and silver topped gnome to her morning and set about work.

Thursday, 15 March 2012

Day 114 - lunch

Home positively roaring temperature thanks to heating on with flagrant disregard for cost.  Mrs Payne rather displeased as coming down for mid-morning tea complained was awfully hot, could we not turn down heating?  Explained this quite of question, was positively basking in working boiler, although suggested could perhaps take off tea cosy.

Reaching up to head, Mrs Payne patted tea cosy, exclaimed she quite forgot it was on, adding was so used to it barely knew it was there.  Taking it off she looked at the item, said with feeling it had served her well.  Suggested it served the tea pot rather better and promptly returned it to such.  Mrs Payne most disappointed with this.

Furious at lunch to find front door wide open (adjoining lounge) and Mrs Payne having regained tea cosy on head.  Asked what the devil she was doing, and was told with much jollity that was awfully hot, and as would not turn down heating opened door to let bit of air in.  Found with draught she needed something for head, however.  Said it was awfully good idea as could see whole street from armchair.  Had a little game of waving to people as they came past.  At this suspicious old couple appeared from house, Mrs Payne silently mouthed "Cooeee!" and waved with big grin.  Furiously slammed door closed.

Day 114

Most annoyed yesterday to find note on door mat that gas man had been and been unable to get any response from door.  This inevitably whilst was out and Mrs Payne asleep and deaf.  Further, had to pay 50 pounds for another visit, though thankfully prompt in arrival, and now boiler fixed!

Gas man on leaving proceeded to give Mrs Payne nut back from handiwork.   Suggested not meddling with boilers in future.  This solemnly promised, although would surely find another use for nut, so thanked him for returning it.  Said she jolly well wouldn't, threw it in bin.

Have celebrated boiler working by turning heating on full and having nice shower this morning.  This rather let down as shower rather varying in temperature from scalding to positively arctic.  Complained about this at breakfast, with Mrs Payne replying was rather odd, she was running kitchen taps, those also running hot and cold.  Furious at this.

Wednesday, 14 March 2012

Day 113 - lunch

Pleased to say regained entry to own home, although not without considerable difficulty.

Returned home and stood in flower bed, again looking at Mrs Payne in lounge, now perfectly asleep, still wearing oven mitts and tea cosy on head with it lolling from side to side with her slumber.  Evidently feet were cold previous, as had pillow case up each leg.

Most annoyed as carpet slippers now awful mess and quantity of soil had stuck to fabric.  Thought this terribly bad design and contemplated taking back to department store.

After some banging on window decided was positively impossible to rouse Mrs Payne from sleep, decided would check downstairs windows for entry.  This proved rather more successful, found little window to downstairs toilet open.  Window altogether too small to get through, but shouted rather loud to wake Mrs Payne.  This again altogether unsuccessful, however in trying to get arm through window managed to knock large bowl of pot-pourri onto floor, making fearful bang, and thankfully not breaking.

With this was sure Mrs Payne would hear, and as door opened was ready to make my demands for entry before altogether slipping on wall and scuffing carpet slippers awfully.  Mrs Payne, assuming this disturbance one of burglary nature, provided some fearfully sharp words, and as I attempted to regain position at window was met with sink plunger jabbing me in face.  Furious at this, fell down again.  Mrs Payne, not quite complete in her endeavours proceeded to jab sink plunger out of window further at jaunty angles, at which proceeded to grab plunger in fearful rage and shouted to jolly well let me in.

Mrs Payne quivered, said she was calling police, and regaining window managed to see her shuffle out of toilet only to fall flat on face with an "oof!" on account of layers of clothing.  Bound to say this struggle awfully comical as Mrs Payne attempted to get to feet to call police.  Proceeded to shuffle rather like tortoise on back, altogether incapable of useful movement.  Thankfully managed to call to Mrs Payne in slightly calmer voice, and recognising me set about righting herself to let me in.  Some minutes later and with home strewn with layers of clothing and kitchen items, came to door to let me in, terribly hot and wearing only her crumpled dress.  Handed her plunger in much annoyance.

Day 113

Had altogether too much cold yesterday afternoon so decided upon going to coffee shop.  Asked Mrs Payne would she like to come and after several attempts realised hearing altogether impaired with hat and tea cosy.  Made further attempt at some volume, had success of stirring Mrs Payne from her magazine.  This had unfortunate resulted in reply at ear shattering volume,
Had altogether given up on vocal communication, simply wrote at top of magazine page:

"Coffee shop?"

Resulting in further reply,
"NO THANKS ROBERT!".  Wrote again on magazine,

"I can hear you!".

Mrs Payne nodded with satisfaction at this, pleased message had come across.  Bound to say next door probably got it too.

Leaving house realised had forgotten something and attempting to get back in, also realised had forgotten keys.  This most annoying as abundant knocks on door all but useless and standing in rose bush in front of house waving through lounge window profoundly unsuccessful.  Saw Mrs Payne occasionally struggling to flick page of magazine with oven gloves, but otherwise not a stir.

Thankfully had car keys and some money, and realising getting back in most futile, decided way as well bite bullet and go to coffee shop.  Sure no one would notice in any case.

Later than usual coffee shop expedition, found Horseface already there, greeted me warmly and said she would have another coffee.  Ended up paying for these.

Sat down, and Horseface most amused, asked had I been let out of funny farm.  Laughed at this, though quietly annoyed, and tried to brush it off, said my coffee was cold.  This evidently not to satisfaction, Horseface added in usually quiet voice, "Your shoes!  I mean, your slippers!".  At this explained was wearing carpet slippers as could not get in house as Mrs Payne could not hear.  This explanation most unsuccessful, further when added Mrs Payne could not hear because had tea cosy on head.  At this Horseface fell about in awfully loud laughter, and as patrons turned around, proceeded to look down at my carpet slippers, laughing further, with patrons following her eyes.  Furious at this and gave patrons look of indignation in turn.

Horseface apologised through giggles, asked if I was getting replacement coffee for cold one.  Said I would sooner not show slippers any more.  Kindly said she would, adding,
"Would you like a blanket and pipe too?".  Laughed her way to the till.

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

Day 112 - lunch

Fearfully cold today as result of Mrs Payne damaging rather important nut on boiler.  Thankfully managed to steer Mrs Payne away from further damage with tale of housewife attempting to adjust boiler temperature and water came right at her, killed her where she stood!  Mrs Payne declared this absolute poppycock, but withdrew all the same, eyeing the boiler warily.

Gas man promised faithfully to arrive this morning with further parts to fix boiler, and as yet altogether invisible.  Mrs Payne complaining bitterly about cold, has taken to wearing usual clothes, coat and dressing gown on top.  Bound to say Mrs Payne as wide as is tall.

Going down for tea mid-morning found Mrs Payne in quite jolly temperament.  Said she was "rather toasty" and with little red face looked rather like father Christmas.  Woolly hat not enough, had taken to tea cosy on top.  Further, on top of gloves was wearing oven mitts.  Begged her pardon, but was anything left in kitchen?  Was told had shoved two tea towels into dressing gown.

Mrs Payne's attire most useful for lunch.  Capable of handling hottest of toast with not a jot of change to clothing, on account of oven gloves.  This unfortunately rather unsuccessful, as proceeded to drop several slices on floor.  Was awfully considerate however, asked if I wanted them.

Clothes proved further problem when attempted to sit on kitchen chair, only to scoot off front due to rather large bulge in posterior, and land soundly on floor with an "oof!".  Seemed most pleased with this, said she had found another slice of toast.  Added wouldn't get up, could I pass cup of tea?

Day 112

Gas man returned early yesterday afternoon.  Had one or two sharp words with him regarding taking so long and not providing detail as to whereabouts.  This taken most badly, said he had specified details to "the one asking all the questions", and he had gone to supplier directly, and had not a jot of lunch.  Apologised profusely for this and offered him tea and biscuit.  This duly accepted.

Had just about made tea and arranged some rather cheaper biscuits on plate when gas man emerged, said was terribly sorry but boiler altogether unserviceable, questioned had I "been meddling".  Said no I had jolly well not been meddling, and thinking better of Mrs Payne's endeavours, promised we hadn't so much as looked at the thing.  At this, Mrs Payne tottered in, and most pleased with herself exclaimed she had seen a nut awfully worn in boiler, and thinking herself quite the engineer had replaced it with a nut she "found on the garage floor", adding, "terribly resourceful, I thought!".  Several moments passed with Mrs Payne waiting for praise, and receiving instead silence, queried,
"I say, what's with the cheap biscuits, Robert?".

Gas man most displeased by Mrs Payne's engineering, accused me of lying regards to meddling.  Further had spent time getting this part, and now needed quite another as Mrs Payne had altogether sheered bolt thread.  Asked how she had tightened nut so badly, explained could not find toolbox, so instead had used my nut cracker and had worked rather well.  Added after some moments that thinking on it, we need a new nut cracker.  Found item in kitchen draw in pieces.  This explained by Mrs Payne as fearfully shoddy construction.

Thanked gas man for his patience and after quickly drinking his tea, and quite shunning the biscuits I had provided, showed him to door.  Left me with instructions not to let anyone near boiler.  This solemnly promised.

Had quite fearful row with Mrs Payne, and most annoyed that still had broken boiler.  This declared as utter nonsense, and heading for boiler, Mrs Payne instructed,
"Get me the plunger!".

Monday, 12 March 2012

Day 111 - lunch

Spent good deal of morning telephoning plumbers, altogether more difficult task than explaining water board do not provide hot water to Mrs Payne.  Finally got through to chap, said he would come out promptly, would be here by 10 o'clock.

At 11 o'clock, bound to say was awfully shamed by Mrs Payne, who, still in dressing gown, opening door to plumber, and demanded,
"Are you from the board?  Where's my hot water!".

Explained to rather shocked plumber was terribly sorry, but please come through to see boiler, as would be terribly grateful in returning it to working operation.

Proceeded laborious diagnosis, further hampered by Mrs Payne asking at every opportunity whether it was yet fixed, and what various componentry was.  Awfully tired of this so declared was going to work, and would they be so good as to let me know when complete.  Mrs Payne said she would fill the bath with the kettle.

Furious to come down for lunch to find gas man altogether disappeared, and Mrs Payne in most jovial mood having had bath, now tinkering with boiler, cover removed.  Said in no uncertain terms that was awfully dangerous, and such machinery should only be operated by certified professionals.  Further, where was gas man?  Was told had gone to get a replacement item, with time unspecified as to return.  Mrs Payne added boiler awfully simple contraption, and had boiled water on stove as a girl, and really could not be much different.  Replied this profoundly inaccurate, and in any case needed proper tools, was entirely convinced sink plunger most useless of devices.  This explained as needing something,
"in case any water came at me".  Said it was time for lunch.

Day 111

Rather good weekend, and pleased to say no more was said about mix-up with Mrs Payne's advertisement.

This morning, good mood took unfortunate turn for worse as heard quite extraordinary scream from Mrs Payne in bathroom, the likes of which would give a wild animal the willies.  Rushed to see what the matter, under quite the assumption of fatality, and having knocked politely on door, received cry,
"Get the board!".  Thought this most baffling, however rushed away and returned moments later as Mrs Payne was vacating bathroom in awful fluster.

Explained I had brought the board, and was everything alright?  Was told rather tersely she wanted water board, and sometimes I was a fearful idiot.  Most annoyed at this, said she didn't specify what type of board, and should I take the ironing board away?

Thought some moments later, why did she need water board.  Received reply that hot water was off!  Mrs Payne's suggestion as to ringing water board altogether unreasonable idea, suggested hot water not delivered through pipes, could perhaps ring gas man instead?  Received annoyed reply that was hot WATER that was off, not hot GAS!  Replied there was a quantity of hot gas available.

Friday, 9 March 2012

Day 110 - lunch

Still awfully annoyed about events last night at dinner, but will recount all the same by way of therapy.

Went to check on roast, most amused at Mrs Payne's cracker filled cheeks.  Having removed piece of cracker from wine glass carefully removed roast pot from over and positively horrified to find dish entirely cold.  Inspected oven to find machine set correctly to "Oven", however temperature set to "0 C".  Realised in instant that in fluster of Mrs Payne had turned on over but not set temperature.  As such fan happily whirred away whilst dinner altogether uncooked.

Returning with wine glass had unfortunate task of explaining entree would require a little longer.  This declared quite acceptable by all.  Other half queried as to how much longer.  Replied two hours.

By this time all rather hungry, and Horseface such that ate small crumbs of cracker that landed on plate whilst she thought no one watching.  Decided had best serve dessert, and pleased to say this altogether more successful.  All cheered up rather, and conversation began in earnest with addition of more wine.

Whilst eating most shocked as to Horseface bringing up advert in newspaper.  Said she thought it jolly good work and most amused as to rather shoddy design turned in, as husband had mentioned it.  Went on that really I was awfully clever.  Attempt to divert subject to dessert altogether unsuccessful, and Mrs Payne begged her pardon, but would find that design altogether hers.  Followed most uncomfortable conversation as to Horseface saying I had declared design as my own, whilst Mrs Payne, furious at this flagrant injustice stormed into lounge.  Returning some moments later, apologised at design sketch being crumpled, as had sat on it again, but most adamant that all see it was her design.  In utmost rage and rather purple in complexion shook as called me a "charlatan".  Said I'd check on roast and thought it wise to bring back more wine.

Eventually ate roast, and ended evening well, despite Mrs Payne keeping design sketch on her person at every opportunity.  Explained after Horseface and boss left that was terribly sorry about mix-up.  In any case, still had the 500 pounds.  Further, when would I get money for her caviare on toast?

Day 110

Had fearful time yesterday afternoon on account of purchasing more caviare, and positively furious that spent considerable time in visiting shop only to find caviare altogether out of stock.  Returned to house in utmost bad mood and found Mrs Payne still rather pale with regards to her 100 pound slice of toast.

Started on main course of chopping vegetables, now awfully late, whilst most despondent at lack of caviare.  Settled that would have to use cheese instead.  Most flustered by time of putting chicken roast in oven, further by Mrs Payne asking if she could be of help.  Bound to say I snapped she had been enough help already!

Crackers were at least completed, meaning all left was dessert, which thankfully bought in.  As such was ready in time for other half to come home.

Explained about caviare, and other half froze also at horrifying story.  Most disappointed that we would be having cheese, but said terribly well done in buying some.  Begged her pardon, but had not bought cheese, as some in fridge.  Reply came with dismay that cheese had hitherto been eaten.  In panic rushed to fridge to find but a sliver each of red leicester and double gloucester remaining.

Received knock at door and Horseface and boss arrived holding rather expensive bottle of champagne.  Said this awfully generous, but was told would hear not a word of it, as was all too kind to offer caviare.  At this had unfortunate task of explaining would not be having caviare, as Mrs Payne had eaten it on toast in error.  At this Horseface queried, "melba?", to which Mrs Payne replied,
"No, Warburtons".

With some disappointment we opened champagne, and decided to sit down for starter.  As head of table I had honour of asking would guests like red leicester or double gloucester, upon which would carefully carve smallest of sections from cheese, rather similar in size to a two dice and delivered them to waiting plate.  All most gracious in saying was altogether plenty of cheese, and would really require no more, than you ever so much.

Each stared down at their morsel of cheese, and helped themselves to single cracker.  Each opted for different tactics as to placement of cheese.  With some guilt Mrs Payne carefully sliced cheese again and again as to make it cover cracker.  Horseface carefully cut in half once, and husband followed by way of imitation.  Other half and I simply placed cheese in middle of cracker despondently.

After some comments as to looking like rather nice crackers, proceeded to eat.  Bound to say found cracker fearfully hard, and having made one failed attempt at biting, removed from mouth to survey the impact.  Found cracker largely unmarked.

Horseface, with aid of quite prodigious teeth proceeded to bite down, and as one closing a vice, patiently waited as pressure increased.  This proved all too much, as in an instant cracker gave way, simultaneously exploding into millions of tiny pieces, covering both table and Horseface's black dress.  Eyes quickly averted at this embarrassment, as heard Horseface exclaim quietly,
"Oh I say!".

Decided would take rather more measured approach, and having removed cheese, carefully attempted to break cracker in half.  This proved altogether more success than Horseface, as cracker broke neatly into three pieces.  Unfortunately one such piece rather more vigorous than others, and taking flight landed in champagne glass.  Sat in silent fury.

Other half gave up altogether and ate cheese alone, saying was terribly sorry, as crackers positively awful.  All said not to worry except Mrs Payne, had mouth rather full.  All thought it most amusing as learned Mrs Payne had popped whole cracker in, still unable to bite into it.  Suggested she sucked it as went to remove cracker from champagne glass and check on roast.

Most furious with events so will write more when altogether more calm.

Thursday, 8 March 2012

Day 109 - lunch

Going downstairs for lunch found Mrs Payne eating toast and exclaimed was pleased to find her getting better.  Received reply that yes was getting better thank you very much, and further had fearful appetite.  Upon further investigation begged Mrs Payne's pardon, but what was she having on toast?  This happily answered with caviare!  Explained that now well had tried caviare again and found it positively divine.  Was best spread rather thick on buttered toast.  Further, asked why had I bought such a small tin, as had all but finished it and would I be able to go to supermarket to get more and perhaps larger tin this time?

Positively froze at this.  Opened tin to find tiniest amount left, even less than we had sampled on Wednesday.  Explained slowly that reason tin was so small was because was rather expensive.  This declared as nonsense, and really would be able to buy positively gallons of the stuff for the 500 pounds she had earned.  Replied this unfortunately not true, as small tin had been purchased for 125 pounds.

At this Mrs Payne froze also, with pallor returning to that of one with utmost illness.  With bite of toast imminent, Mrs Payne proceeded to withdraw toast from mouth, now showing semi-circle of tooth marks where bite had started.  Carefully putting mauled toast on plate, Mrs Payne first opened mouth in silent awe, before asking with quiver,
"I beg you pardon?  Did you say one hundred?  And twenty five pounds?".  This confirmed with nod.  At this, with reactions of a hyena, Mrs Payne picked up knife and scraped remaining caviare from toast back into tin, now unpleasant mixture of butter, caviare and toast crumbs.  Looking at the mess Mrs Payne uttered thoughtfully,
"Do you think they'll notice?".

Day 109

Fearfully busy last night on account of other half making crackers for dinner tomorrow and Mrs Payne's incessant requests.  Other half most encouraged by this as indication as to Mrs Payne getting better.  Said may be the case, but working me into early grave.  This complaint interrupted by Mrs Payne calling and other half shouting, "Robert's coming!" before adding, "don't fall into the grave dear!".

Most pleased this morning that Mrs Payne out of bed and looking somewhat better.  Said she was feeling rather more herself and would have something to eat later.

Will be terribly productive this morning with regards to work such that can prepare dinner this afternoon.  As such informed Mrs Payne as to being positively self-reliant, as not a moment to spare on making tea and so on.  Further, made quite some stipulating that had better not find orange wedged in tea pot.  Mrs Payne most unhappy by this, queried as to how to get her vitamins.  Explained could jolly well find something else.  Looked at her oranges with disappointment.

Wednesday, 7 March 2012

Day 108 - lunch

Mrs Payne stayed in bed this morning on account of being ill.  Positively certain this is all but mildest of colds, but other half most insistent with measures to make Mrs Payne well for dinner tomorrow with boss and Horseface.  Most annoyed at this, as means am reduced to bell boy answering Mrs Payne's every desire.

Further annoyed mid-morning by what bound to say was positively 10th call that would I be so kind as to make tea?  Exclaimed I had already made tea, and she didn't want one.  This quickly justified as "the fever talking".  Stalked downstairs to get tea and upon return found Mrs Payne altogether asleep.  Carefully placed tea on bedside table, only to have call 10 minutes later that had knocked over cup, and in any case, tea was stewed.  Cleared up mess and had one or two words as to having better things to do with for work, and would she mind having some consideration.  Positively furious at response that if was such a problem, I could specify work such that Mrs Payne could draw a little design to, "help with the hard bits".  Stalked out of room and heard Mrs Payne struggle to shout, "I SAID....".

Day 108

Most pleased as acquired some caviare yesterday with Horseface's direction.  Each tried a little taste after dinner, although Mrs Payne still rather under weather.  Other half owned to quite interesting taste and would likely be altogether delicious with crackers.  Repeated this also, and awfully glad we got it as had not tried it before.

Mrs Payne remained curiously silent as other half and I waited for verdict.  After some moments realised Mrs Payne had yet to swallow it, and after what looked like incredible difficulty managed to get it down.  Followed some minutes of silent wincing as to taste, and pallor decreasing from pale to white.  With some bravery Mrs Payne opened her mouth, and said with difficult breaths,
"It's rather fishy".

Tuesday, 6 March 2012

Day 107 - lunch

Found acquiring caviare terribly difficult, and went amongst several expensive food shops with frightful prices, but asking as to caviare turned up not a jot of success.  Most annoyed as went to Figgins, promptly sent me to Specialist Foods, who presently sent me back to Figgins saying he thought she had some.

With unfortunate inevitability saw Horseface, most amused as had seen me "storming to and fro like blue bottle on a window".  Most annoyed at this but explained was looking for caviare for Thursday.  Horseface most excited on prospect, explained not a solitary egg of caviare could be had in town, but gave me details of little place to try outside town.  Most pleased with this lead, so had coffee with Horseface.

Upon purchasing coffee Horseface said jolly well done with newspaper advertisement.  Had heard from husband received some awful rubbish in terms of design, but learned I had submitted.  Went on, was terribly well put together and most professional looking.  Too annoyed to reply to this.  Said it was rather warm for this time of year.

Day 107

Other half most excited about dinner on Thursday.  Said this altogether out of proportion, as see them countless times.  Was told I was more miserable than her mother's cold.  Thought this distinctly thick.  Cheered up Mrs Payne who laughed rather loud.

Had decided to have homemade crackers with caviare (as yet to purchase) and as such other half made test batch for dinner with soup.  Bound to say crackers awfully nice fresh, although getting rather crispy as cooling.

Other half awfully pleased with this effort, said while making tea it was a family recipe.  This spoiled rather when asking with some annoyance why there was an orange in tea pot.

Will have to go out this morning in attempt of getting caviare.  Confident on shop in town having some.

Monday, 5 March 2012

Day 106 - lunch

Mrs Payne sounding positively awful this morning on account of cold.  Seemed altogether lacking enthusiasm for dinner on Thursday even with mention of caviare.  Said she'd probably be dead by then.  Replied we'd buy caviare anyway "just in case".

Explained as to vitamin C being most  reinvigorating for cold, and pleased to see Mrs Payne had attempted orange tea by mid-morning.  Unfortunately had to explain that idea was not to mix it with normal tea, and further, investigating tea pot explained that it also was not to put whole orange in the pot.  This most frustrating, as could not have tea myself until had removed orange from pot, proving altogether difficult as orange larger than hole.  This explained by Mrs Payne as requiring "a bit of a squish".

Had coffee.

Day 106

Still most annoyed about boss choosing Mrs Payne's advert design over my own, and further learned on Saturday that other half saw Horseface in town and invited her and boss to dinner on Thursday. Said this most unreasonable and would altogether rather cancel.  Other half declared this positive nonsense, and was sure to enjoy the evening, further suggested cooking something fancy.  Mrs Payne exclaimed this a jolly idea, and could we have caviare, as had seen it on television recently.  Replied this ridiculous justification for food choice, and was fearfully expensive, and altogether unsuited for event, perhaps another time.  Mrs Payne added thoughtfully that could pay from 500 pounds advert money.  Said caviare excellent idea.

Further discussed chicken for main, instantly dismissed as being fearfully bland.  Replied this most untrue, was all down to cooking, further had seen recipe with various food items added to roasting pot, simple in preparation and most delicious in result.  Other half replied was jolly nice of me to offer to cook it.  Reply I didn't seemed to go unheard.

Mrs Payne most excited by caviare.  Said she wondered what it tasted like.

Friday, 2 March 2012

Day 105 - lunch

Terribly excited to see my advert and eagerly awaited other half coming home.  Mrs Payne all too disinterested, was working on her crossword.  This most annoying whilst waiting, as had constant questioning as to clues, including spelling of Thames.  Said had 'h' in it.  Was told that would be "Tamesh".

Opened front door as soon as other half home and quickly flicked through newspaper to see advert.  Found it quickly on page 5, thought this awfully good position.  Received much acclaim by Mrs Payne and other half.  In height of excitement Mrs Payne said "Ooh I say!  Fancy!" and other half most pleased, said it was awfully good and had come on a lot from early drafts.  Bound to say it did look somewhat different, presumed had been typeset by newspaper.

Mrs Payne, evidently in excitement such that she may very well have popped exclaimed with squeal that it was HER design!  Begged her pardon, but how could it be her design?  Proceeded to hear explanation that was awfully bored having no crossword, and as such had drawn up little design of her own, and given it to boss when he was round.  Further sent detail by "electric mail" afterwards.  By way of proving this proceeded to retrieve crumpled and torn piece of paper.  Apologising on state of paper on account of sitting on it, Mrs Payne held up design to newspaper, and sure enough, matched.

Positively furious at this, commended Mrs Payne for her work, but really was awfully unprofessional of boss not to publish work from paid staff.  Other half declared this absolute nonsense, said mother had done rather professional job, and further would I be providing commission fee to her?  Replied after some thought, no I would jolly well not!

Mrs Payne all too excited to partake in this argument, proceeded to look between her crumpled paper and the newspaper, occasionally saying, "Fancy!".  After some moments other half and I gave up this spectacle, and going to see about lunch awfully jarred to hear Mrs Payne exclaim in daze,
"And to think I got 500 pounds for it!".

Day 105

Most excited this morning to see local newspaper with my advert as such planned trip to shop before breakfast to pick up copy.  In leaving house found copy of Times on door mat, most odd with cancellation as previous.  Thought this likely stupid paper boy and rather than argument as to not paying for it took paper with me by way of return.

Arriving at shop had strict instructions from other half not to look at advert until was back at house, so picked up newspaper and most unfortunate to find rather abrasive shop owner at till.  Handed over both newspapers with explanation that had not requested Times, and furious to hear paper had been delivered "as requested".  Said this positive nonsense, and would certainly not be paying for it, now returned.  Had fearful argument on this, principally owing to charge of delivery.  Said if paper boy had delivered newspapers previously would not be in dispute in first place.  Received reply that clearly did not like newspapers from this shop, as such would be happy not to supply them.  At this proceeded to take both newspapers behind till and that concluded business.

Quite furious at this, as stalking from shop now had to walk to alternate shop some distance away, as too far to go back for car just to drive.  Got home sweating with rather fast walking but diligently holding local newspaper with advert, as yet unseen.

Entered house and most annoyed to find other half had already left for work.  As such would now have to hold on to newspaper unopened until lunchtime, as was having half day.  Sat down at breakfast table to catch breath and start on toast.

Mrs Payne seeming most interested asked where was newspaper.  Explained had got it from alternate shop, as nearby shop altogether out of favour, and had agreed not to open it until other half was home.  At this Mrs Payne begged my pardon, but rather, where was Times?  Queried as to how did she know we received Times, and shocked to hear was because she had ordered it.  Had difficult task of explaining had taken newspaper and promptly delivered back to shop, with fearful argument as to not wanting it.  Mrs Payne most incensed by this, and shaking proceeded to query did local newspaper have crossword?  Replied gravely it did not.  After some moments said I'd get my car keys.

Thursday, 1 March 2012

Day 104 - lunch

Received reply from boss regarding poster design, not altogether favourable.  In any event was told selection had been made to send to printers, and most excited that will be in tomorrow's newspaper!

Mrs Payne altogether disinterested by this, said she was trying to get crossword out of the "intputernet".  Said was probably best leaving other half's laptop until got home, and in any case, no such address as "crossword please", although commended Mrs Payne on her manners.

Mrs Payne most annoyed at not having crossword, as those dabbed out with correction fluid rather difficult on account of additional letter spaces with white dabs rather larger than original squares.  Pleased to see had attempted one, however was unsure on word "hipotamous".  Replied was only word that would fit.

Giving up on computer, typed "goodbye" into intputernet box and shut laptop.  Said she was going to newspaper shop to get newspaper.  Commented while getting read as to wondering if her electric mail had arrived.  Replied was probably still at sorting office.

Day 104

Worked awfully hard last night to get poster finished with countless redesigns dismissed by other half and Mrs Payne as below par.  Thought on number of occasions Mrs Payne was doing herself a mischief with her breathing, now apparently standard method by which one views design work.

Finally finished design and went downstairs to find Mrs Payne most excited, proudly stated she had sent her first "electric mail" on other half's "table top".  Explained laptop was still called laptop even if on table.  Said she thought electric mail terribly clever, asked how long it would take to get there.  Reply that was instant produced awestruck silence.  Said eventually she wondered how the electric mails knew where to go on the electricity pylons.  Too tired to reply.