Friday, 9 March 2012

Day 110

Had fearful time yesterday afternoon on account of purchasing more caviare, and positively furious that spent considerable time in visiting shop only to find caviare altogether out of stock.  Returned to house in utmost bad mood and found Mrs Payne still rather pale with regards to her 100 pound slice of toast.

Started on main course of chopping vegetables, now awfully late, whilst most despondent at lack of caviare.  Settled that would have to use cheese instead.  Most flustered by time of putting chicken roast in oven, further by Mrs Payne asking if she could be of help.  Bound to say I snapped she had been enough help already!

Crackers were at least completed, meaning all left was dessert, which thankfully bought in.  As such was ready in time for other half to come home.

Explained about caviare, and other half froze also at horrifying story.  Most disappointed that we would be having cheese, but said terribly well done in buying some.  Begged her pardon, but had not bought cheese, as some in fridge.  Reply came with dismay that cheese had hitherto been eaten.  In panic rushed to fridge to find but a sliver each of red leicester and double gloucester remaining.

Received knock at door and Horseface and boss arrived holding rather expensive bottle of champagne.  Said this awfully generous, but was told would hear not a word of it, as was all too kind to offer caviare.  At this had unfortunate task of explaining would not be having caviare, as Mrs Payne had eaten it on toast in error.  At this Horseface queried, "melba?", to which Mrs Payne replied,
"No, Warburtons".

With some disappointment we opened champagne, and decided to sit down for starter.  As head of table I had honour of asking would guests like red leicester or double gloucester, upon which would carefully carve smallest of sections from cheese, rather similar in size to a two dice and delivered them to waiting plate.  All most gracious in saying was altogether plenty of cheese, and would really require no more, than you ever so much.

Each stared down at their morsel of cheese, and helped themselves to single cracker.  Each opted for different tactics as to placement of cheese.  With some guilt Mrs Payne carefully sliced cheese again and again as to make it cover cracker.  Horseface carefully cut in half once, and husband followed by way of imitation.  Other half and I simply placed cheese in middle of cracker despondently.

After some comments as to looking like rather nice crackers, proceeded to eat.  Bound to say found cracker fearfully hard, and having made one failed attempt at biting, removed from mouth to survey the impact.  Found cracker largely unmarked.

Horseface, with aid of quite prodigious teeth proceeded to bite down, and as one closing a vice, patiently waited as pressure increased.  This proved all too much, as in an instant cracker gave way, simultaneously exploding into millions of tiny pieces, covering both table and Horseface's black dress.  Eyes quickly averted at this embarrassment, as heard Horseface exclaim quietly,
"Oh I say!".

Decided would take rather more measured approach, and having removed cheese, carefully attempted to break cracker in half.  This proved altogether more success than Horseface, as cracker broke neatly into three pieces.  Unfortunately one such piece rather more vigorous than others, and taking flight landed in champagne glass.  Sat in silent fury.

Other half gave up altogether and ate cheese alone, saying was terribly sorry, as crackers positively awful.  All said not to worry except Mrs Payne, had mouth rather full.  All thought it most amusing as learned Mrs Payne had popped whole cracker in, still unable to bite into it.  Suggested she sucked it as went to remove cracker from champagne glass and check on roast.

Most furious with events so will write more when altogether more calm.

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