Monday, 30 April 2012

Day 141 - lunch

Most annoyed to come down for mid-morning tea to find Mrs Payne having dragged chair from window, now occupying space usually for opening of kitchen door.  Explaining this to Mrs Payne, received reply that hadn't noticed, and was sure door could be opened successfully.  Demonstrated problem by opening door 12 inches, promptly stopped by armchair.  This clearly most incredible, Mrs Payne uttering,
"Well I never!".

Suggestion to move chair back to window declared positively impossible, as Mrs Payne "could barely move the thing".  Replied had done good job in moving it FROM the window.  This duly explained as achieved by propping two legs on wheeled serving cart and scooting armchair across floor.  Also, by the by, did I know serving cart was broken?

Positively furious by this, Mrs Payne changed conversation, asked how would one go about acquiring one of those "radio telephones"?  Said Mr & Mrs Perfect on holiday both had them, were terribly good and didn't know why didn't have one herself.  Presumed by this Mrs Payne meant mobile telephone, explained could take her into town once chair returned to window.  Slipped into kitchen for tea before had chance for reply, however heard several oofs, and returning while later with tea found chair good 6 inches further from kitchen door, Mrs Payne exhausted, apparently fallen asleep.

Day 141

Had most jolly week off and particularly pleased with peace from Mrs Payne.  Had boss and Horseface for dinner number of times who commented on place being quiet.  Said I thought this rather perfect.  Further, have managed to regain control of armchair occupied by Mrs Payne, promptly removing it from enemy grounds upon Mrs Payne leaving, now located near window where Mrs Payne most adverse to sitting.

Waited for Mrs Payne at train station on Saturday afternoon, and most annoyed at not arriving by train arranged.  Waited further hour, as Mrs Payne altogether incommunicable on account of not unwilling to carry mobile telephone due to, "not knowing how they work".  Explained several times, devices altogether simple, can simply press numbers required.  Have since given up following questions on knowing what radio frequency to tune in to and did she need a call sign.

Mrs Payne finally arrived, and in most jolly mood.  Said had quite delightful time and met most interesting and friendly couple, spent quite some time with them.  Followed incessant chatter for entire length of journey home as to them being terribly interesting people, awfully well educated and most dazzling in conversation.  Took this with quiet annoyance, at which Mrs Payne seized opportunity, said,
"See!  You're fearfully boring,  Robert, you never say a word!".  Too annoyed to reply, at which Mrs Payne thinking herself most dazzling, commented again,
"See!  Fearfully!".

Friday, 20 April 2012

Day 140 - lunch

Following breakfast, other half said could not possibly go into work today.  Thought this quite terrible, said two days calling in sick positively criminal!  Other half responded not a jot to this, looked altogether ill, poor dear.  Said did rather look under weather, to sit and would bring lemon tea.

Lemon tea duly accepted, said felt fearful and ached all over.  Added, was terribly sorry, but did not think could travel, felt altogether unstable in armchair.  Mrs Payne most unconcerned about this, said was terrible shame, all the same, we could all book somewhere together soon and have jolly week at home together!  Positively furious about this but most concerned about poor other half.  Said was perfectly fine not going, would see about cancellation.

Followed telephone conversation with hotelier, most understanding regards cancellation and taken care of ever so quickly.  Said to other half no money had been lost, and was sure would get well soon and could enjoy some days at home.

Mrs Payne spent quite some time rummaging in handbag, and having retrieved booking number set about telephoning herself regards cancellation.  Was tending to other half and heard awfully sharp words from Mrs Payne on telephone.  Conversation completed, Mrs Payne stalked into lounge, and seeing other half sat in armchair cannoned onto sofa causing upset of cushions.  Before had a moment to ask, Mrs Payne exclaimed in much rage as to hotel quite unable to cancel as had taken week-long deal, not subject to cancellation, was terribly sorry, nothing could do.  Following some moments of silent anger before Mrs Payne erupted once more, said it positive daylight robbery, further, how had I managed cancellation, as quite blatant disregard for aged, and would contact local newspaper!  Explained with quite some care as to paying full rate, and as such afford right to cancel.

After some silence Mrs Payne altogether upset, said could not possibly afford to throw away such money.  Other half said with little energy could muster that should not stay home on her behalf, and intended to go away herself anyway, and further would not hear a word of her staying at home.  Standing, said I thought this a capital idea!  Further, was quite certain train direct, shall I see about bring down her suitcase?

Before had but a moment to object suitcase had been retrieve, other half slowly walked to front door by way of saying goodbye.  Mrs Payne managed only few words,
"But... I say..  No..  But...", and before knew it was at train station.  Mrs Payne regained senses, and most furious as to being cast off on own, said I had planned this all along!  Replied this positively disgraceful thing to say when daughter ill.  With not moment to reply, wished Mrs Payne bon voyage, said was sure to have jolly time, wouldn't wait at station, goodbye!

Returning home found other half rather in better spirits, said was ever so curious, felt rather better!  Lemon tea terribly good remedy!  Gave other half warm embrace at this, said would have jolly time off together even at home.  In each others arms other half said was terribly lucky girl.  Oh, by the by, did not have any milk.  Heart sank at this, replied with dismay,
"Oh bother".


AUTHOR NOTE: The Diary will not be published next week (23rd-27th April), as I am travelling.  The Diary will return to its normal schedule on Monday 30th April.

Day 140

Most excited this morning about holiday.  Other half and I planning work today, travel to hotel tea time.  Queried at breakfast as to when Mrs Payne would be leaving, hoping would be soon and in altogether different direction.  Replied was not altogether sure, said with silvery laugh had better check where she was going!  Sat in furious silent at this, as positively certain to know where.

Rummaging through handbag for scrap of paper, Mrs Payne queried in doing so as to where we were going?  Replied in much annoyance and gritted teeth were going to Seaview Hotel, Southsea.  Mrs Payne paid not jot of attention to this, continued rummaging and upon finding relevant piece of paper donned reading glasses, read out verbatim,
"Sea.  View.  Hotel...  Southsea.  I say, that's the same hotel!  Fancy!".

Positively furious at this, said was all too aware was same hotel, as had overheard me booking on phone, further whole point of booking was getting some peace!  Mrs Payne most annoyed at this, said to think audacity of such accusation.  Would jolly well not be spending jot of time with me on holiday and could barely stand to be in same car as me.

I sat silent at this, positively shaking with rage.  Shoving scrap paper back into handbag, Mrs Payne asked ever so nonchalantly,
"Fancy the same hotel!  When were we leaving?".

Thursday, 19 April 2012

Day 139 - lunch

Positively frightful shopping, and altogether glad to be home and back to work.

Drudged endless shops for various items, and had quite some argument regarding new dress for other half.  Exclaimed already had dress positively identical, could not possible need another.  Followed quite some sharp comments regarding various aspects being altogether different and dress not even remotely same, thank you very much, further dress had been taken to charity shop years ago!

At this Mrs Payne most amused, said I was a fearful idiot, next would be telling me her new dress quite the same also!  Looked at dress rather closely and in much annoyance, thought carefully and said rather thought it was.  Also, she appeared to be wearing it now.  At this Mrs Payne looked down, carefully surveyed herself, promptly put dress in nearest peg, exclaiming with annoyance,
"Bother, now I have to find another!".
Immediately shop assistant appeared, and with fearful look exclaimed to Mrs Payne to put dress,
"where they bloody go".  Thought this altogether familiar.
 Said I would wait in car.

Day 139

Other half most disinterested in going to work this morning.  Queried would it be terribly bad if called in sick and did some clothes shopping for holiday?  Replied would be positively awful, and further could not even consider colluding in such plan, would be forced to report her immediately.  In any case had stacks of work myself and such plan frightfully unfair on me.  By the by, when were we going?

Teased other half mercilessly regards this until most annoyed as result.  Said would jolly well go into work at this rate, and had little sore throat anyway, so please be quiet.

Mrs Payne completely baffled by conversation, looking like dog following ball during tennis.  After some silent moments Mrs Payne cleared throat, asked with some confusion,
"So are we going into town?".

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

Day 138 - lunch

Quite some protestation this morning over breakfast as to Mrs Payne rather tanned following spotlight bathing yesterday.  Informed her this positive nonsense, looked exactly the same.  Other half seeming altogether below par today, asked mother if she was not having a hot flush?  This taken most badly by Mrs Payne.  Thought this hilarious.

Coming down for mid-morning tea found Mrs Payne in garden, sunglasses on and in most jolly mood.  Went to back door and shouted would she like tea.  Response in the affirmative, and presently took tea out.

Explained sunbathing altogether ineffective, as most overcast this time of year, and umbrella rather defeating object, as was blocking out sunlight.  Further, was she aware it was raining?

This taken with much annoyance, said was quite aware of weather, and was positively certain to get tanned.  Pointed around by way of demonstration, said by way of explanation,
"See!  Plenty of sun!".  Followed gesture, saw not a jot of sun, begged her pardon, that was the security light.  This altogether ignored.

Day 138

Mrs Payne all too ridiculous yesterday afternoon, as found her sitting in lounge in front of spotlight lamp, sunglasses on, reading magazine.  Asked for reasoning behind this Mrs Payne lifted sunglasses, looked in much disbelief as informed me was trying to get tan before holiday.  On holiday was positively fearful to walk around as "white as a lobster".

Altogether ignored this error, said was impossible to tan from spotlight, as in any event, only 60W.  Was as likely to tan on cloudy day.  Mrs Payne most unconcerned with this, putting sunglasses back on, said with some excitement,
"I say, it's like we're holiday already!  I mean, I'm on holiday already!".  Furious at this.

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

Day 137 - lunch

Came downstairs for lunch and most annoyed to find not a jot of milk for tea.  Further investigation led to explanation from Mrs Payne that not a solitary bottle had arrived by milkman this morning.  Said this altogether likely, as girl positively useless regards order.  Most annoyed at Mrs Payne defended this saying had confused "poor girl".

Telephoned again and in terribly nice manner said would she be so kind as to amend order such that would like milk this week, but NOT next week.  This taken with quite some aggravation, said was clearly playing games and another call like this would call police.  Said this quite ridiculous, order had been given correctly, and fault entirely their end.  Following fearful denial of this girl promptly hung up.

Thought some moments later as winced whilst drinking milk-less tea as to having over half pint this morning.  Queried this with Mrs Payne and most annoyed to hear had enjoyed cup of hot milk earlier, using entirety.  Said this most reckless, now had not a jot of milk remaining.  Mrs Payne seemed altogether disinterested by this, said thoughtfully,
"It was delicious.  You should try one!".

Day 137

Mrs Payne intolerable regards holiday.  Certain she has booked same hotel as us, keeps hinting to being jolly nice place, wished we could see it.  When queried on location or name mind altogether foggy, says can't quite remember.

Further annoyed as asking would she be needing train ticket to get there received response that would not take train but, "get there somehow".  Other half most interested at this, asked would she need driving anywhere?  Said she rather thought she would.

Probed further as asked on price of place, as know our booking quite frightful cost.  Most curious, as Mrs Payne said it rather cheap booking week, and very pleased with discount.  Replied pensioner discount very generous.  Mrs Payne outraged at this, said was not old enough to qualify.  Queried after several moments, pension age was 75, was it not?

Monday, 16 April 2012

Day 136 - lunch

Found rather nice hotel to stay at in Hampshire, and most pleased as booked it this morning.  Place altogether delightful and overlooks sea.

Opened door to office for mid-morning tea and had Mrs Payne quite fall into me, resulting in both of us in heap on floor.  Positively furious at this as quite sure Mrs Payne listening in on telephone call.  This vigorously denied, though Mrs Payne clutching glass tumbler terrible give-away.  Said she had finished a drink.  Sharply queried as to what, and response of wine positively ridiculous.

Told Mrs Payne not a thing of booking, though at lunch gave quite some hints as to knowing had booked.  Begged my pardon, but had I found anywhere yet, heard Norfolk very nice, could give some suggestions if desired.  Nonchalantly said this altogether unnecessary.  Most annoyed as Mrs Payne smiled knowingly.

Telephoned regards reducing milk delivery next week, as only needed enough for one.  Mrs Payne said afterwards this altogether unnecessary as had decided to go away herself.  Would not be kept at home like family pet given bowl of food by neighbours.  Said this jolly idea, heard Norfolk very nice.

Rang back milkman and girl on phone most rude regards order, said to,
"Make your mind up!".  Replied was terribly sorry, two telephone calls in day evidently rushed off feet, could not possible manage.  Girl hung up before had chance to add further sarcasm.  Positively furious.  Mrs Payne thought this height of amusement, said perhaps could stay at home, on reflection.

Day 136

Have decided to go on holiday in a week's time as had not a jot of holiday this year so far.

Said yesterday evening as to going away, Mrs Payne most excited, asked where we were going.  Said was entirely uncertain where we were going, but was absolutely certain where she was going - nowhere.  This taken most badly, said couldn't very well leave her, would positively starve on own.

Followed quite some silence treat, and bound to say thought this rather delightful.  Silence soon ended however as opened sherry bottle, Mrs Payne said would like little tipple.  Must remember to hide good sherry before go on holiday.

Friday, 13 April 2012

Day 135 - lunch

Positively delighted with quite enormous fish acquired yesterday, and all but forgot about fearful incident with neighbours by dinner time.  As such greeted Horseface and boss with much jollity and saw about getting them sherry, having already started.

All gratefully holding little sherry glasses, boss begged our pardon, but were we having some problems with garden of late?  Saw flower bed positively flattened, and flower stalks littering the place.  Further, thought it most unwise to grow plants on top of car.

At this Mrs Payne and I carefully set down sherry glasses and stalked to window.  Sighed awfully as saw several plants, evidently having been turned out of pots, carefully arranged on roof of car, with quantity of soil around them.  Positively furious at this, and against better judgement in front of company, gave Mrs Payne quite some sharp words regards this being her fault, and would be hanged if paying for damage to car myself.  Mrs Payne received this in silence, with face reddening by second.  Once finished Mrs Payne opened mouth, inhaled deeply, and such that for next door most probably audible, exclaimed loudly,

Other half sighed at this, exclaimed "oh, goodness!", and drank sherry with much rapidity.  Boss and Horseface sat rather open mouthed, and in utmost politeness, begged our pardon, but was something the matter?

Followed explanation as to mistake with fence and various aggravations following.  Mrs Payne sat, still shaking with anger, testifying these events true.  Once finished, boss looked at Horseface most solemnly, declaring,
"This is positively terrible.  I mean, we wouldn't want to live next to you either!".  At this Horseface and boss fell about laughing, said was quite funniest thing had ever heard, and events quite frightful.  Seeing other half rather withered by this and Mrs Payne awfully serious, said in hindsight was terribly sorry for trouble.  Proceeded to giggle for quite some minutes, asked for more sherry.  Other half said would check on dinner.

Whilst pouring most aggrieved that Mrs Payne slipped out, and before had time to distribute sherry glasses safely, heard quite some commentary from Horseface and boss at window, delighted by evening entertainment as Mrs Payne took handfuls of soil from car, liberally distributed amongst next door's rather expensive models, and scattered rest far and wide.  Evidently going too far, Mrs Payne took one plant, and as neighbour's front door opened promptly threw it in Mrs Uptight's face.  Following this, shouted with all her might,
"WAR!", before retreating to H.Q.

Joined events as Mrs Payne, quivering with excitement, tottered past window to back door, and declaring this most ridiculous, promptly shut curtains on Horseface and boss.  This taken with  much disappointment, was called a killjoy.

Mrs Payne regained lounge as other half did, with Mrs Payne terribly out of breath, and gasping by way of alibi,
"Terribly sorry, had to powder my nose!".
Before had even moment to respond to this in negative, heard fearfully loud knock at door, as all sat perfectly still, with Horseface uttering with concern,
"Oh, I say!".

Deciding this all too ridiculous, answered door, and saw Mr Uptight on door step looking rather displeased, and Mrs Uptight, much covered in soil against rather light coloured dress, positively furious.

Followed one or two words on doorstep as to getting terribly out of hand, and said was rather sorry for events myself, and would have quite some words with Mrs Payne.  Mr Uptight equally apologetic regarding their part.  During this both Uptights looking altogether passed me into lounge, with look of quite some curiosity on faces.  Finally had enough of this, and turning around, boss and Horseface said in unison in most jolly manner,
"Oh, hello!  Didn't know you'd moved!".
Boss in most calm manner declared were members of badminton club, further,
"Smith, do let them in!  You're letting in a draught!".

Quite stunned at this, but presently let them in.  Boss proved himself king amongst men, proceeded to patch up severed neighbours, liberally greased by means of sherry.  Finally, even Mrs Payne and Mrs Uptight calmed such that were chatting.  Other half said fish quite ready, and would they be so kind as to stay for dinner?  This duly agreed to, although Mrs Uptight excused to change dress with altogether less soil attached.  Mrs Payne said was terribly sorry at this.

Ended evening in most jolly mood.  Bound to say all in much agreement, particularly as to Mrs Payne's parsley butter.  Positively terrible.

Day 135

Came downstairs yesterday to find delightful bunch of flowers in vase and Mrs Payne in most jolly mood.  Said had finished parsley butter and her "little darlings" had not died in vain, was now chilling in fridge.  At this said was altogether ready for dinner with boss and Horseface, and further, what fish were we having?  At this exclaimed "bother!" at quite some volume, and grabbing coat quickly left home to acquire fish.

Outside, most fearful event, as saw with horror next door's pots all but baron of flowers and came to realisation as to where flowers now located.  Evidently in similar mind, Mrs Uptight opened front door, and with furious look on face said in most unladylike manner,
"Oi!".  Before had time to continue conversation, interrupted was terribly sorry, but off out on urgent business, and having shut car door saw Mrs Uptight continue tirade of annoyance.

Went to set off as Mrs Uptight in further anger and continuing silent tirade, set about throwing remainder of broken flowers and stalks at car windscreen, and positively frightful as turned on wipers to clear debris with stalks flying all about.  With quite some difficult set car into gear and heart pounding finally got away.

Following events all too harrowing so shall write later.

Thursday, 12 April 2012

Day 134 - lunch

Found Mrs Payne with look of fearful determination in kitchen at lunch time.  Parsley pots positively bare and Mrs Payne vigorously mixing bowl with butter and parsley.  Said with excitement had come across recipe for parsley butter.  Fancy, was butter mixed with parsley!  Said couldn't believe it.

Was duly asked to test butter, and doing so found it altogether unpalatable.  Declared was rather more parsley than butter, further had a rather "stalky" texture, and was that soil in the bowl?  This taken most badly, said was fearfully difficult to make.  Most concerned explanation of soil as,
"that's just goodness!".

Queried over lunch why was making parsley butter early in any case, as were not eating until evening.  This Mrs Payne explained as having "some unfinished business" this afternoon.  I fear the future.

Day 134

Other half most disappointed last night to hear Mrs Payne's poor seedlings having been cast aside.  Said was certainly glad had bought Mrs Payne parsley to tend to.  Confirmed Mrs Payne tending to them most vigorously, queried however as to being necessary to sing to them.  This almost as bad as music next door.

All needed much cheering up, and decided would invite boss and Horseface for dinner today.  Other half most excited by this, said we could have fish with parsley butter!  Mrs Payne also excited, said would have to water them fearfully to get the best out of them.

Found Mrs Payne this morning with little watering can showering parsley such that could barely stand up to the weight of it.  Begged her pardon, but were having fish for dinner, not the ocean.  Mrs Payne declared this absolute nonsense, would make them grow "big and strong".  Said would make delicious parsley butter.  By the way, what were ingredients?

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

Day 133 - lunch

Came downstairs for lunch to find Mrs Payne looking awfully serious, and wouldn't answer when asked would like lunch.  Asking what the matter Mrs Payne replied with some rigour,
"It's those Untights again!".  At this begged her pardon, but commented,
"It's Uptights, Mrs Payne.  Uptight.".
At this Mrs Payne turned to me with fearful rage, said at volume,

Following careful explanation as to not meaning her, managed to calm Mrs Payne sufficiently such that could ask the matter, at which promptly led me to back garden.

Saw quite some sorry state of Mrs Payne's seedlings scattered about garden, evidently showering down via airborne ejection from next door's garden.  Apparently accidental gift of vegetables unappreciated.
"Look at the poor little things!", Mrs Payne said with feeling.  Held up seedling of nicely sprouting leaves, but roots having been viciously cut.

Mrs Payne with a little tear in eye, and fiercely red in face, shouted with all her might:

Day 133

Mrs Payne most mournful at her lack of vegetables.  Said had positively worked fingers to bone in planting them.  Was sure those "fearful Untights" were enjoying her hard work.  Said this highly unlikely seeing as vegetables don't grow in matter of days.

Other half came home last night with quite surprise for Mrs Payne.  Was thrilled to the core with little pot of parsley, carefully arranged in angled wooden box.  Mrs Payne commented was most adorable thing had ever seen.  Said it looked like a coffin.

Found Mrs Payne watering parsley this morning.  Queried as to surely needing not that much water.  This dismissed as quite groundless suggestion, was giving the "little darlings" their morning "drink".

Preparing toast, Mrs Payne most excitedly took scissors to her parsley, and uttering "sorry darlings!" by way of apology, promptly cut a little piece off, sprinkling it on her toast.  Watched in quite awe as presently ate the toast, marmalade and parsley combined.  Upon finishing saw I was rather open-mouthed at this.  Said was terribly sorry not to have asked, did I want some?

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

Day 132 - lunch

Following mid-morning tea, shocked to hear music of prodigious loudness such that even my headphones could not be heard.  Went downstairs to investigate to find Mrs Payne with our hifi at awful volume, and having dragged speaker across room with wire trailing in mid-air, was holding it out of window with look of fury in direction of next door.  Seeing me, Mrs Payne shouted something with quite some vigour, however altogether indistinguishable from music.

Seeing suspicious old couple looking over whilst walking back home Mrs Payne most kind.  Waved in jolly way, blew them a kiss.  Suspicious old couple continued walking with not a jot of response, opened mouthed as they did.

As song finished queried in most annoyed manner as to what on earth was doing.  Replied that was delivering letters.  At this next song started, and before had chance for another word Mrs Payne uttered by way of introduction,
"Oh, I like this one!", and music continued.

Followed several minutes of awful volume and wondered was it rather necessary to play Christmas songs?  As Old King Wenceslas bellowed out Mrs Payne most invigorated by this attack, proceeded to sing along whilst tottering up and down on spot.  Had all but had enough when saw Mrs Uptight leave house in furious rage and soon came awful bang at door.  At this Mrs Payne left speaker on window sill, and answering door proceeded to hand letters to neighbour, smile sweetly, and close door in face.

Through window saw Mrs Uptight stop on door step in surprise, and realising communiqué had been completed, promptly returned next door with look of fury.

Following this Mrs Payne turned off music, and with much pleasure, said,
"Well, that went well!".

Day 132

Surprised this morning to find quite pile of letters for Updikes on table, most incredulous as to postman delivering already.  Was informed by Mrs Payne not to worry, state of postal service same as ever, and letters had been delivered Saturday.  Begged her pardon, but why had she not taken them around?  Followed long complaint as to Uptights, and would be hanged to do anything for them.  Said would sooner throw them in fire.  Strongly suggested against, if only on account of fire being gas.  Further complaint arose, as finishing breakfast music from neighbours had already started.

Told Mrs Payne would be going to work and trying to ignore music.  Would she be so kind as to deliver letters, as already kept for two days, and if at all possible avoid confrontation.  Mrs Payne said would try.

Monday, 9 April 2012

Day 131 - lunch

No work today on account of Easter bank holiday.  Other half pleased with her egg from Mrs Payne and I.  Said they were fearfully expensive weren't they, so didn't mind the size.  This rather overshadowed by eggs for Mrs Payne and I, quite large in comparison.  Said we would share.

Morning altogether ruined by awfully loud music from new neighbours.  Bound to say quite spoiled my mid-morning tea and chocolate.  Decided had quite enough as was sure same dreadful music on repeat, said would go around and see about lowering volume.  Mrs Payne much in agreement with this, still terribly angry regarding the Uptights cutting her.  Said was not sure calling them the "Untights" really had the same sharpness however.

Knocking at door waited quite some time for answer, at which Mrs Uptight answered in most regale manner.  Begged her pardon, but music rather loud, would it be possible to reduce volume a touch?  This taken very badly, with altogether annoyed response with much emphasis that,
"It IS Tchaikovsky!".
Begged her pardon, didn't realise she had guests, but would she be so good as to tell Mr Tchaikovsky to,
"TURN THE MUSIC DOWN!".  At this stalked back to house, music unabated.

Day 131

Neighbours have now moved in, and bound to say most aggravating in manner.

Saturday morning as promised had arrived with furniture van, and bound to say brought in quantity of expensive looking furniture and items like reclining leather office chair quite ridiculous in extravagance.  As feared, suspect them altogether not the 'people of the people' they think.

Other half begged my pardon, but was I going to spend all day at the window, or was I having lunch?  Said I was mulling over plans for flattened flower bed.  By the by, could do with new office chair.

Went out to greet them after lunch by way of introduction for other half.  Mrs Payne and I altogether reticent regards previous activities, and bound to say found them no better in mood.  Learned names to be Mr and Mrs Updike, both academics at local university.  Stood in silent annoyance as Mrs Payne likened name to 'up the river'.  Further explanation,
"You know, Up!  Dike!  Not without a paddle I should hope!".
This rather straw that broke camels' backs, said they had better be getting on.

Returning to home other half said was sure they were lovely people, and caught them at a bad moment.  Mrs Payne said she thought them positively fearful.  Replied I thought rather the same, was not altogether convinced about living next door to the Uptights.  Mrs Payne replied as to getting the name wrong, before uttering, "Oh I say!" and whispering to herself in excitement,

Friday, 6 April 2012

Day 130 - lunch

Back from town following drudge to get eggs.  Settled on two of moderate size as were fearfully expensive.  Came in to find Mrs Payne sat in armchair doing crossword, terribly excited to say seedlings were planted.  Further, builders had arrived presently, but had finished by then in any case.  Begged my pardon, but where was the sherry?

Ignored this entirely and handed over Easter egg.  This declared altogether too small, would look like awful miser.  Most displeased to learn this seven pounds.  Said would I accept five?

Transaction now complete for full seven pounds, asked would Mrs Payne like lunch.  Looked out kitchen to see fence now erect once more, with builders altogether disappeared, and further pleased to hear van driving off.

Went outside to survey work.  Fence altogether sturdy and looking good as new.  Saw not a jot of damage from builders, pleased with this.  Mrs Payne tottered out, said had done rather good job.  Looking around garden, begged Mrs Payne's pardon, but where were seedlings?  Explained were over near fence.  At this, look of horror appeared on Mrs Payne's face, uttered in disbelief,
"I say, they were right there!".  Pointed down to flower bed, altogether empty of seedlings.  Queried as to Mrs Payne being quite sure on location of seedlings.  Was informed certainly so, and further, had little stakes by way of marking them out.  Mrs Payne, now shaking with rage exclaimed with annoyance,
"Those bounders have stolen my seedlings!  Call the law!".

Attempting to calm Mrs Payne, looked more closely at ground and saw not a jot of disturbance, however right against fence saw two seedlings neatly planted.  Saw at once the problem, said to Mrs Payne with some strain,
"You've planted them on the wrong side of the fence!".
At this Mrs Payne declared me a fearful idiot, had not possibly planted them on wrong side of fence.  Measured quite specifically 12 inches from grass, and, by the by, realised she rather had.

After several moments of dismay, Mrs Payne said she would be hanged to let "those snobs" have her seedlings, tottered to front of house as quickly as could muster.  Followed after, said was too late now, would have to explain, offering them by way of house warming.  Mrs Payne took this rather badly, rattled gate fearfully trying to get to next door's garden.  Access altogether impossible as was padlocked.  This taken as quite irrelevant, Mrs Payne said would "just hop over it".  At this promptly leaned to her left to all but horizontal, and by way of countering her quite significant weight, lifted leg slowly towards waist-high gate.  Followed several moments of stillness by which no further height was gained, and in much annoyance Mrs Payne exclaimed at volume,
"Lift my leg up!".
Explained would rather not, this altogether ridiculous, would she please regain her senses.

Seeing hope all but lost stood up with awfully loud "OW!" and clasping of back.  Said with a little tear,
"See what those snobs have done now!".

Most exasperated by this, said to stand back and would at least get back her stakes.  Promptly mounted gate and dashed down garden to pick out stakes.  Bound to say Mrs Payne had done rather nice arrangement, and most disappointing to see on next door's side.  Also noted rather nicer job done of fence.  In any event returned to gate to find Mrs Payne, still clasping back but altogether frozen, as neighbours looked at me with incredulous annoyance.

Followed quite frank explanation as to terrible mistake, and really altogether amusing situation!  In any event, no harm had been done surely, and would be getting back to work, but terribly nice to see them again, would look forward to seeing them tomorrow.  Received reply with awfully sharp words this certainly not "altogether amusing" and further would we kindly stay out of their property.  Further should we cause any more problem, did I know they knew local Sergeant, and would create "quite a stink".

Nursed Mrs Payne back to house as neighbours stared as us in silent annoyance.  Said when inside at least had stakes, Mrs Payne most grateful for these.  Sitting Mrs Payne down in armchair asked did she need anything else?  Replied ever so casually, by the by, had I bought two Easter eggs?  Ventured this awful extravagance, could share egg to give daughter.  This would of course leave additional egg, but could perhaps find alternate recipients.  Replied I rather thought we could, said I would put kettle on.

Day 130

Other half most interested with new neighbours.  Said was sure they were delightful.  Replied could not be further from truth, and rude comment as to us being snobs, had quite some suspicion they were snobs themselves!  Mrs Payne rather in agreement with this, still awfully sore with them absolutely cutting her following offer of berries.

Most shocked to learn other half had bought Easter eggs, and as such now in terrible situation of having to reciprocate.  Going out this morning into town to see about one.  Asked Mrs Payne would she like to join me.  Said far too busy planting seedlings, however would I be so kind as to get one for her also, thank you very much.

Mrs Payne terribly excited to plant her seedlings.  Said had cleared a little area next to fence and would soon have them in ground.  Gave quite serious caution as to fraternising with builders, sure to arrive this morning to fix fence.  Replied would certainly be done by then.  Will hide sherry before leaving for town in any case.

Thursday, 5 April 2012

Day 129 - lunch

Still furious at not getting replacement hammer, and explanation to other half last night as to soil being dense all but fell on deaf ears.  Replied something was certainly dense.

Coming down for lunch most surprised to see car outside next door.  Could see not a glimmer of activity after positive minutes of careful observation through lounge window so decided to have lunch.

Found back door open, and with horror realised Mrs Payne altogether likely in next door's garden.  Dashed out of back door and found Mrs Payne inevitably in far side of next door's garden, spoke at quite some volume,
"More berries, Robert!  Bush is almost bare now though.".

In same instance new neighbours popped out from back door, at which Mrs Payne quivered in shock, tottered as last as her legs could carry her, taking altogether some time, as watched in height of embarrassment at awfully slow and un-stealthy getaway.

Once upon home soil Mrs Payne turned around, and most graciously and with complete obliviousness to previous activities, said in jolly voice,
"Oh hello!  You must be our new neighbours!".

Followed ever so tentative introductions.  Neighbours quite male and female clones, both middle-aged and tall, with dark hair and terribly thick glasses.  Shall call them Mr and Mrs Glasses.  Bound to say most kind regards Mrs Payne's trespass, uttered not a word about it, although clearly furious.  Said also, whilst pushing glasses onto nose with alternate words, would certainly contact builder regards fence.  Most pleased about this, said builders positive Neanderthals and shocked at workmanship.  This rather less successful line of conversation, Mr Glasses said was his brother.  Struggled awfully to retract this, at which Mrs Glasses said they hated snobs, certainly hoped they wouldn't be living next door to some.  Replied positively abhorred fearful snobs, certainly were not some ourselves.

Followed some moments of uncomfortable silence.  Mr Glasses said would be moving in on Saturday, but was sure fence would be fixed tomorrow.  At this went to leave, before which Mrs Payne, holding out a red stained handkerchief, asked
"Would you like some berries?".

Day 129

Had fearful argument at hardware shop regards proper use of hammer.  Explained as to hammer head coming right off with not a jot of reason why.  This taken with much scepticism by owner, said was certainly user error.  Said this most ridiculous, how hard was it to hammer a hammer?

At this, Mrs Payne with armful of seedlings arrived, interjected saying had I not returned the hammer yet, and really should be more careful with it, she was ready to go.  At this owner declared could do nothing regards return, and must have thought he was "born yesterday".

Took Mrs Payne to till in utmost fury, positively refused to pay for the thirty pounds of seedlings she had acquired.  Mrs Payne most displeased as this, said it wasn't her fault I didn't know how to use hammer.  Said to till girl,
"The lump fell off his hammer!".  Girl giggled at this in most annoying manner.  Stalked out of shop.

Wednesday, 4 April 2012

Day 128 - lunch

Lack of progress regards fence taking most badly by other half, said was not lump hammer's fault, rather,
"the lump in control of the bally hammer".

Found Mrs Payne this morning happily watering her seed pots.  Reiterated this most ridiculous without any seeds, but in any case, could see about getting some later as visiting hardware shop to see about taking hammer back.  This declared most unnecessary, as had already planted some seeds.  Begged her pardon, but what had she planted?

By way of explanation, pointing to little pots, said first pots contained rather ripe grapes.  Further, next pots contained banana.  Begged her pardon, but whole?  Mrs Payne most annoyed at this joke, said not to be fearful idiot, was sliced!  Replied this most sensible.

Finally, said had popped one or two "coffee seeds" in.  Begged her pardon, but my rather expensive coffee beans, hand roasted?  Mrs Payne most excited by this, said to think, would never have to buy coffee again!

Had unfortunate task of explaining none of these items likely to grow, least of all coffee, as beans altogether cooked.  This taken with much disappointment.  Said in any case no bad thing, as put some coffee seeds in with banana, and combination banana coffee positively unthinkable.  Further, did I know we had run out of coffee?

Day 128

Yesterday afternoon, brandishing new hammer, set about re-erecting fence whilst Mrs Payne tottered around next door's garden regardless of contrary advice.

Holding fence post in hand, and having dismissed further query as to pointy end not going in ground, gave it terribly hard wallop with hammer.  This proved most successful, post entered ground by inch or so.  Attempt to put in original holes having been highly unsuccessful as fearfully wobbly.

Having driven post into ground Mrs Payne most interested by this success, said was doing a terribly good job.  By the by, terribly naughty to put fence back further over next door's garden.  Surveying fence posts realised had gained altogether 6 inches on property boundary.  Furious at this, said to help getting post out.

Proceeded much grunting and oofing regarding post, as fearfully difficult getting loose from ground.  Finally, post came free.  This unfortunately due to me hitting post ever so hard with hammer whilst Mrs Payne pulled on post with all her weight.  Hammer head promptly fell off, and Mrs Payne, now with post free, fell backwards on rather wet patch of grass, creating quite wet patch at posterior of dress.  Most displeased by this, said that was another dress ruined.

Tuesday, 3 April 2012

Day 127 - lunch

Following fearful row with other half last night regards fence still altogether in horizontal arrangement, decided to visit hardware store this morning to see about larger hammer and doing job myself.  Mrs Payne most excited about this, said would see about some seeds for vegetables and suchlike.

Found suitable hammer at hardware store rather quickly, presently spent 30 minutes trying to find Mrs Payne, tottering around with positive arms full of items.  Declared was very exciting growing things, and had bought little soil filled pots, ever so convenient.

Seeking out cashier most annoyed to find Mrs Payne acquiring countless items at quite fearful cost, further at expectation as to me paying on account of vegetables being for everyone.

Arriving home set out Mrs Payne's vegetable growing items on table.  Consisted quite some inventory of items suitable for growing.  Mrs Payne most pleased with this bounty, promptly filled little watering can and drizzled little pots with water.  This all too exasperating, said this ridiculously futile, and further, should she perhaps consider some seeds?  This quickly dismissed by Mrs Payne, explained little pots all was needed and really ever so convenient, placed below tomato sachets on display.  Some moments passed, finally with some annoyance Mrs Payne exclaimed,

Day 127

Answered door yesterday afternoon to find rogue builder from next door outside.  Furious at this as was expecting genuine builder regards erecting fence.

Altogether displeased at interruption, but thought could perhaps save money and get done free, seeing as was his fault and all.  Begged his pardon, but presumed he was here by way of apology and offering to erect fence?  Replied was certainly here regards erecting fence, but would be offering an apology "not on your nelly", further would cost 500 pounds.  Said this positively ridiculous, in any case had builder coming around to provide quote shortly, promptly shut door in face.

Mrs Payne asked who was at door, and said with some annoyance was builder from next door.  This duly understood, ventured to ask when was expecting builder for quote.  Said was most curious, but rather at this time as it happens.  Some moments passed in silence, and then ran to window to find builder altogether disappeared.  Mrs Payne, evidently in sharpest of minds, said,
"Oh dear.".  Too furious to reply.

Monday, 2 April 2012

Day 126 - lunch

Following lack of progress regards fence post over weekend, and other half further annoyed by scuff on slippers had bought me, decided altogether preferred to get builder for fence.  As such telephoned for someone to come out for quote.  This certain to be awfully expensive, as builder most nonchalant regards work.

Mrs Payne most pleased fence had been removed, said felt was in stately garden, the size.  As such coming down for lunch found Mrs Payne in next door's garden carelessly tottering around.  Begged her pardon, but if complete with her trespass would she be coming in for lunch?  Explained had barely a clue where boundary was, had been enjoying garden so much.  Further, did I know next door had most prodigious fruit bushes?  Replied certainly did not, and further, any such reclamation of fruit positive theft.  At this showed me quite bounty of berries in handkerchief, said would have to eat them herself.  Replied would perhaps reduce her prison sentence if I had one or two.

Day 126

Positively awful weekend as other half most annoyed regards fence, and further flower bed, still looking ever so flat.  Builders left on Friday having completed work with fence still fallen down.  Could do not a thing about this and builder's van altogether anonymous of name by which to make complaint.  As such spent some considerable time myself silently dragging items into neat stack, positively furious throughout.

Saturday, most eager to set things right, said erecting fence positively child's play, as such, would Mrs Payne kindly bring me hammer and some nails.  This duly carried out by Mrs Payne, also eager by way of escaping daughter's snapping.

Mrs Payne presently brought items to garden.  Said this terribly nice of her, but little hammer for picture hooks not altogether suitable.  Mrs Payne queried was I sure, as had found other hammer fearfully heavy.  Went to get it myself.

Came back to find Mrs Payne holding fence post ready to be driven into ground and stern focus on her face.  Said awfully seriously that was read, and give post,
"a fearful seeing to!".  Said would certainly do this, but by the by, the pointy end usually went in the ground.  Mrs Payne stood back for some moments looking at post, begged my pardon, but was I sure?

Set the post point down, and with post in one hand, hammer in other, stuck the thing with furious repetition and giving quite fierce stare throughout.  After some minutes decided had done enough work, promptly dropped hammer to ground saying was rather hard work, but only a dozen more to go.  At this, let go of post, promptly falling to ground on my foot.  Gave quite yell at this and most displeased to find scuff on new slippers.
Stood awfully warm and stared into distance, said gasping,
"I think I need a bigger hammer".
 Mrs Payne said thoughtfully,
"Or a smaller post".