Thursday, 31 May 2012

Day 159 - lunch

Mrs Payne set out earlier to deliver flyers.  Looked out of bedroom window as saw her tottering rather slowly from house to house of neighbours.  Watched for some minutes as Mrs Payne delivered to first three houses.  Following this, stopped for a moment, wiped her brow with handkerchief, and having sat on nearby wall, got out flask of tea and little napkin of biscuits.

Thought this quite ridiculous as Mrs Payne enjoyed her picnic, opened window and shouted to her, no more than 10 yards from house,
"That's my flask!  You'll have to work faster than that too!".
Mrs Payne gave quite a start at this, dropped her biscuit on the ground and looked quite furious.
Decided had best get to work.

Most annoyed to be interrupted mid-morning by telephone call, and following several furious exclamations,
"Mrs Payne!  Telephone!", remembered she was out.
Followed most annoying conversation where recipient of flyer stated would certainly not be attending, but by the by, was I aware Jubilee spelled with one 'L', flyer said July, not June, and woman delivering had left flask on his wall, would I be so kind as to collect it?
Positively furious as stalked out of house to retrieve my flask, saw not a jot of Mrs Payne, presumably causing biscuit-fuelled mayhem elsewhere.

Day 159

Not a jot of peace last night as other half helped Mrs Payne with plans for Jubilee party.  Followed interruption whilst reading newspaper positively every minute, asking how many tables would we need, did people still eat vol au vents, and might I know a marching band?  Replied had not slightest idea to all of these queries.  Said the English way to celebrate things was to do nothing at all.  At this Mrs Payne, with fearful impression of Queen, shouted in shrill voice,
"Orf with his 'ead!'.  Abominable laughter followed for several minutes.

Eventually gave up newspaper, as inevitably got dragged in to help.  Mrs Payne produced yet another envelope with sketch of design for flyer to deliver to neighbours.  Quickly produced this, and having asked Mrs Payne how many required, presently printed two hundred.  Declared whilst printing this seemed rather lot.  Mrs Payne said I was fearful idiot, this house had three people in, would need to deliver four or five to some houses!

Wednesday, 30 May 2012

Day 158 - lunch

Went down for mid-morning tea and positively bombarded by Mrs Payne immediately upon sight, exclaiming,
"I say Robert, about this party.".
Followed, Mrs Payne saying had worked tirelessly all morning, but really altogether difficult planning.  Would I be so kind as to help?  Replied absolutely not, however would she like tea?

Mrs Payne most insistent, followed me into kitchen asking would I hear her list?  As kettle boiled said I could spare a few moments, at which Mrs Payne retrieved her envelope.  Explained all best work was done on back of envelope, and if I was ready, would proceed.  Said please do so, as Mrs Payne took deep breath, and started.

"Item 1.  Cake."

"What do you think?"

Replied thought the list rather short, although had no doubt hit the nail on the head so far.  Tea being made set about returning to office, with Mrs Payne tottering behind desperately requesting additions.  Stopping at stairs, thought for few moments and asked Mrs Payne how many people would be coming.  Mrs Payne replied would be at least a hundred, would think.  Having thought some more, said as I climbed stairs,
"Best put cake down twice then, don't want to run out.".
Heard Mrs Payne behind me, saying quietly as she wrote,
"Item..  2..  More..  Cake..".

Day 158

Most displeased that preparations for Queen's Jubilee have started already.  Heard nothing but, over breakfast.  Other half and Mrs Payne most excited, said could see about making cakes and would visit neighbours.

Mrs Payne reminisced with pride had seen the coronation as a girl.  Replied after some moments,
"King George?".
This taken altogether badly by Mrs Payne.  Other half tittered a little and gave me a look.

Pleased to say silence returned to breakfast table, with only comment from Mrs Payne, requesting an envelope on which to write list of preparations.  Finished toast and said I would go to work, with nothing said but Mrs Payne murmuring quietly,
"Yes...  Hmm..  And clowns..".

Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Day 157 - lunch

Professor and Mrs Uptight arrived at 10 o'clock, said was terribly nice to invite us, food smelled delicious!  Sitting in lounge Mrs Uptight smiled sweetly, although rather less so as saw flowers.  This altogether embarrassing as one flower head fallen off entirely.

Mrs Payne having gone to bed, sat in lounge whilst dinner cooked.  Explained Mrs Payne had been called away to sister, but would return shortly.  Really, nothing to worry about.

Bound to say this fearfully dull, and conversation altogether silent in points.  Was rather glad when dinner came, although Uptights looked rather confused as plates put onto table to find other half and my salmon quite half of their own.  This also proved difficult, as had to eat ever so slowly and with tiny morsels such that would not have finished dinner in but seconds.  Fortunately dinner came to end rather quickly, although other half most upset as Mrs Uptight said was terribly sorry, but didn't like frozen salmon!  Explained in awfully nice way that really, had heard best way was to freeze fish at source.  This frightfully denied by Uptights.

Was altogether weary following dessert, and had not a jot of intention to offer sherry.  Unfortunately had left bottle out from earlier 'dutch courage'.  As such ended up pouring glasses following hint from Uptight.  Poured rather small glasses for other half and I, as had already partaken earlier, and was in danger of falling asleep.

All sipped their sherry in conversation-less discomfort.  Looked that Mrs Uptight displeased with her husband's suggestion of sherry also.

Following particular period of silence heard one or two steps from upstairs.  Awfully concerned about this as house to Uptights' knowledge was empty.  This rather worsened, as Mrs Payne, descended stairs, saying with quite some chirp,
"I take it by the quiet that they've gone!", before coming into view, and saying with some dread,
"Oh I say.".

Uptights fiercely polite about this, said did not know had come back from her sister's, and how was she, well they hoped?  Must have come back whilst were having dinner, indeed, was positively quiet as a mouse!  Mrs Payne altogether nervous about this, said yes, quite well thank you very much.

Followed period of silence, as Mrs Payne rather obligated to join party, made somewhat more difficult as Mrs Payne in quite horrific nightgown.  After some time Mrs Payne, relieved at article of conversation, said brightly,
"So, it's the Queen's jubilee next weekend!  Terribly exciting, I own we should have a street party!".
Other half terribly excited about this, said was a delightful idea to celebrate 60 years.  Quite some plans were made regards food and festivities, whilst Uptights remained altogether silent.  Other half exclaimed was sure everyone would join in!  Excitement rather dampened as Professor Uptight said most seriously would certainly not count on THEIR support, as monarchy quite ridiculous in outdated concept, may well as be slaves!  Further, would be positively hanged before would celebrate 60 years of rule of anyone!

Sherry finished rather quickly thereafter, and all said goodnight.  Uptight pulled me aside on doorstep, said by the by, was everyone okay money-wise?  Had noticed our pieces of salmon rather small, and sherry glasses also.  Further, Mrs Payne's nightdress positively rags.  Could certainly see about some more university work if this was helpful.  Received quite a start at this notion, said goodnight in rather fluster, and shut front door in Professor's face.  Returned to lounge with heart positively racing, only to see Mrs Payne plunging flowers back into waste paper basket.

Day 157

Other half rather displeased last night to learn Mrs Uptight had forced us to have dinner at 10 o'clock.  Further, what were those dreadful crumpled flowers in vase?

Having explained unfortunate incident due to Mrs Payne's anger, set about planning dinner.  Last night's food having been eaten, settled on rather more plain fayre.  Amongst other things, had conveniently five frozen pieces of salmon for main.  Mrs Payne very pleased with this, however said waiting until 10 o'clock positively ridiculous, could she have hers at 7 o'clock?  At this other half said she was rather hungry also.

Salmon quite delicious.

Further developments all too harrowing, so shall write more later.

Monday, 28 May 2012

Day 156 - lunch

Most annoyed mid-morning as Mrs Payne answered door, presently called up,
"It's for you!".  Set about coming downstairs, and having asked who it was, Mrs Payne replied in much annoyance,
"I said: IT'S FOR YOU!".
Mrs Payne stalked back to sofa with positive fury on her face, and getting to front door found Mrs Uptight on doorstep, grinning with sickening sweetness and holding rather paltry bunch of flowers.

Followed explanation was terribly sorry about last night, had last minute dinner engagement, could not possibly cancel, was sure we understood!  Smiled in silence at this, as Mrs Uptight continued, in any case, had spoken to other half upon leaving for work this morning, said they could come tonight!  Was sure it would be delightful!  Also, here were some flowers, hope we liked them.  Would not keep me, would see us this evening at 10 o'clock, good-bye!

Before had time to say 10 o'clock rather late for dinner, Mrs Uptight had retreated down drive, leaving awful flowers in her stead.  Shut front door in much annoyance, and sat down in armchair, mirroring Mrs Payne's stone-faced fury.  After some minutes of silent agitation, Mrs Payne glanced up, saying,
"May I?", pointing to flowers.  Having handed Mrs Payne flowers, she shook with annoyance, promptly plunged them in waste paper basket flower first with much viciousness, exclaimed with much agitation,
"Horrible woman!".

Day 156

Apologies for no diary last week.  Was frightfully busy and had not a jot of time.

In any event, had finished work by end of week and enjoyed relaxing weekend.  This fearfully spoiled however as other half, in act of reckless disregard, invited the Uptights for dinner.  Mrs Payne and I protested vigorously about this, with other half most disinterested, said the Bible said,
"Love thy neighbour".  Replied this positive nonsense, what did it say regarding thy neighbour being an ass?

Spent most of Sunday preparing for dinner, with Mrs Payne and I begrudgingly helping.  As such by dinner time had toiled all day regards food and tidying, and as changed for dinner bound to say was in quite furious mood.

Heard knock on bedroom door and answered it to find Mrs Payne with much air of excitement, saying as one about to pop,
"Have you heard!  They cancelled!  Fearfully rude though, telephoned with barely half an hour to go!".
Said I had not heard the news, but found this altogether delightful.  Promptly closed the door in Mrs Payne's face and began undressing, with Mrs Payne exclaiming behind the door with some agitation,
"I wish he wouldn't do that.".

Thursday, 24 May 2012

Special: Whatever did happen to the wooden floor?

Having made an earlier entry regards Mrs Payne positively ruining lounge floor, thought as this week have been frightfully busy and unable to post would follow up that story.

Whatever did happen to the wooden floor?

Was positively furious at Mrs Payne's question on where to start.  Replied was altogether her mess, and would be hanged if I was helping!  Mrs Payne most upset about this, said could barely be expected to do it herself, had been working awfully hard.  Thought Mrs Payne's existing hard work profoundly unproductive, as such said would jolly well do it myself.

Picked up a set of tiles and set about attempting to join them.  This altogether sensible in arrangement, as tiles had two adjacent sides the same.  As such fitted together in  diagonal arrangement.  Whilst concluding this Mrs Payne started moving tiles from armchair, begged my pardon, but could I help?  Promptly did so, asked what her strategy was.  At this Mrs Payne explained strategy was to sit down, at which hefted herself into armchair, saying with satisfaction,
"Oh, I say!  Have at it then, Robert!  I'll direct!".

Positively shook in anger at this, but attempted fitting some tiles together where quite certain they met around fireplace.  With each rotation received frustrated comment from Mrs Payne,
"The other way!  No not that way, the other other way!".

Pleased to say having quite ignored this Mrs Payne finally stopped, and in quite short succession had done quite some area.  Most pleased with this, told Mrs Payne was fearfully easy!  Mrs Payne most annoyed at this, said back was feeling rather better, as such would start herself.

Had quite some competition as started in each corner of room.  Occasionally would see Mrs Payne look over by way of assessing progress and begin working with renewed fury.  Said on a number of occasions,
"I say, this is terribly easy, Robert!  I hope you can keep up!".

Bound to say spent quite an hour in competition, and as such had covered three quarters of room by time other half came back.  Explained had been working in competition, made job terribly fun!  Showed halves of work, with neat line left empty in middle to designate boundary of work.  Other half very pleased with this, said was very proud on such progress.  Further, think we deserved cakes!

Cakes having been served, other half said she would see about finishing adjoining line and give workers time to rest.  Mrs Payne and I sat in kitchen, arguing about who had largest area, broken by mouthfuls of cake.

After some minutes other half came into kitchen, begged our pardon, but connecting tiles fearfully difficult!  Could we show how to do it?  At this Mrs Payne and I most pleased, said would be delighted, really took rather special skill and quite some practice.

Took hold of tile and explained to other half about edges, and need of correct orientation.  This duly understood, set about putting tile in place.  Realised with some annoyance this quite impossible, set tile in every orientation, would not fit!  At this Mrs Payne said was a fearful idiot, set about trying to fit it herself.  After some minutes of quiet annoyance, Mrs Payne admitted this altogether impossible, further, had clearly placed my tiles wrong!  Took quite some exception to this, said was terribly sorry, was quite obviously HER tiles wrong.  Other half interjected, begged our pardon, but was she correct that half tiles would have to be uplifted?  By way of answer, took up a tile and explained about groves, was really simple, see groves on this side and such, and rather different on other.  Was quite interrupted at this by other half, most annoyed, and said in rather sharp tone,
"Have you finished those cakes?".  Mrs Payne and I replied in negative, but would certainly get back to floor after finishing.  At this other half positively stormed into kitchen, and shouted in fearful rage,
"No cake for you!  And finish that bally floor!", at which proceed to shut kitchen door with quite some force, shook pile of tiles over.

Mrs Payne and I most taken back by this, looked at each other in quiet shock.  After some moments of looking between ourselves and floor, rather in disbelief at wasted work, Mrs Payne stooped down to inspect tiles she had laid more closely, said with rather curiosity,
"I say, Robert, some of mine have a little sticker.  Rather hard to read, they say  'B4CK'.  What do you suppose it means?".

Friday, 18 May 2012

Day 155 - lunch

Heard Uptight's car arrive last night, the five of us having come back to our home with mixture of relief and raucous laughter interspersed with sherry.  Peeped through curtains to check their trajectory and pleased to say headed back to their own house.  Mrs Payne had already bolted for stairs, with instruction to say was in bed not feeling well.  Boss said he rather thought he's join her.  Horseface rather displeased at this.

Had all but forgotten about terrible poster by this morning, and bound to say had positively relaxed breakfast, as had altogether little to do.  Also had rather headache.

Positively mortified mid-morning to hear Mrs Payne answer door, further, comment in most displeased manner,
"Oh, it's you.".
At this came downstairs to face inevitable meeting with Professor Uptight.  Much surprised however as Uptight in brightest of moods, said was a delightful morning, didn't we think?  This abruptly answered by Mrs Payne with single word,
"Tea?".  This duly denied by Uptight, said he was terribly busy today, was only a flying visit.  By the by, would like to thank me for helping with poster!  Went down terribly well, and almost everyone commented as to how he could possibly have thought it up, and really brought home the horror some of the people the charity helped might suffer.  At this, wished us good day, and let himself out!

Mrs Payne, much disgruntled by this unwelcome brightness, said with much annoyance,
"I say, 'horror the people suffered'?  Are they colour blind, or quite mad do you think?".

Day 155

Spent afternoon working both furiously, and furiously, as Professor Uptight gave quite ridiculous instructions as to design, and most annoyed with constant complaint as,
"Move it the other way!  No, the other way!".  Had had quite enough by late afternoon, and having fended off Mrs Payne on several occasions with tea, finally had design complete.  Bound to say design broke every rule in the book, and looked quite ghastly.  Showed it to Mrs Payne once Uptight had stalked out and to the printers, with response that was not aware circus was in town.

Other half come soon after, and most annoyed to hear had seen Mrs Uptight on drive, and had invited us to charity event, wouldn't it be jolly!  Also said boss and Horseface would be there.  Most concerned at this as boss would see quite frightful design with our company implicated in its abominable creation.

Showing it to other half, said I would like to be nowhere near the creation.  Other half said it did look rather "colourful", had I enlisted local nursery for creative advice?  Explained with much frustration, was altogether Uptight's doing, I was merely "mouse monkey", as Uptight had called me when particularly annoyed at progress.  Other half said I was a poor dear, but surely wouldn't be blamed.  Shall we get ready?

Arriving at event, most pained to see poster on door to hall, looking quite frightful.  Worse than this, Horseface and boss stood quite stationary, looking upon the work with quiet horror.  Boss most displeased, said what the devil was this, was ashamed to put good name of company against the work.  Explained was not my doing, but Uptight's, at which boss seemed no less angered.

Mrs Payne, coming along with sole purpose of cutting Uptight, tottered up, rather more slowly than other half and I.  Having joined us, Mrs Payne quite interrupted, said at volume,
"What rubbish!", and having tottered in between our party, shouted over her shoulder,
"Are we going in or not?".

Inside found place altogether full in intelligentsia and rich alike.  Felt quite out of place, and bound to say was frightfully nervous regarding poster, appearing approximately every 6 feet around the hall.  Looked like art gallery of psychopath.

Mrs Uptight soon greeted us, wouldn't we like glass of champagne, was terribly nice of us to come.  Further, thanked me for my work, in rather disconcerting way, and having looked at poster, thoughtfully said,
"Yes...", and walked off.

Bound to say five us stuck quite close together, and ignored topic of poster as much as possible.  Later, Mrs Uptight saw again to her patrons, asked would we be kind enough to consider a donation?  At this questioned quietly to other half,
"Fifty?", at which Mrs Payne overhearing, said carelessly,
"Fifty?  I say Robert, that's fearfully mean of you!  At least give them a pound!".

Finally came Professor's speech regarding charity.  Bound to say this most pompous, but quite had heart in mouth as Uptight talked about terribly nice poster, outlining charity work in most beautiful way.  Looked at boss with utmost fear and felt positively sick as Uptight went on to say he had been asked a number of time on its production.  After this he said there was one person who had particularly helped in the design, and really should be thanked awfully.  The crowd looked around, and I went positively white with fear of the attention.  Having given quite ridiculous pause, Uptight finally revealed,
"It was me!".
Room erupted into deathly silence, with one or two whispers in gravest of tones.  Uptight altogether taken back by this, and with not a jot to say, silence prevailed with most awkward lack of applause.  Seeing this, Mrs Payne most pleased, decided would be altogether amusing to clap all the same, at which proceeded to do so at utmost volume, quite echoing around room in most sarcastic of tones.

Looked at boss, showing quite some relief, promptly finished his champagne in one.  Doing so, looked around five of us, and touching Horseface's arm, said with conviction,
"Shall we go?".

Thursday, 17 May 2012

Day 154 - lunch

Sent quite some email to boss this morning saying Professor Uptight most unreasonable yesterday, further had every likelihood of complaint.  As such had attached work, and hoped he approved.  Received reply almost immediately, work altogether acceptable, but had heard not a word from Uptight.  Knew quite not what to make of this, so spent morning with rather little to do.

Heard knock at front door mid-morning, and most surprised to find Uptight on doorstep.  Seeing him inside, Mrs Payne asked terribly politely and with gritted teeth,
"Should I prepare some tea?", with quite ridiculous emphasis, as may as well have said 'by the by, I'll add gravy'.
Explained would make tea myself, thank you ever so much.  Altogether missing this point, Mrs Payne added again,
"I rather think, I make the best tea.", at which had quite some argument that,
"NO, I do not think you make the best tea.  THANK YOU.".

Uptight most annoyed at this coded conversation, said did I mind, but had business.  At this said most politely, how could I help?  By this point Uptight had altogether taken coat off, and handing it to Mrs Payne, most indignant in her acceptance, said he had called off printing posters until late this afternoon, had called in quite some favour to do so, as such we would have to work furiously all day on a new design.  Would not let my ineptitude drag down the charity event, would jolly well make design himself, I could enter it into computer.

Having seen Uptight's ridiculous scribblings previously, was quite happy to let Professor hang on his own petard.  As such said this quite acceptable idea, should we start?

Mrs Payne, as one seizing an opportunity to do great good in the world, said with pride,
"No need, I've done a design already!".
At this, provided envelope with design.  Was terribly sorry, had sat on it.
Uptight looked at the envelope for a few moments, with look of disgust on face, and quite cutting Mrs Payne, looked at me, said,
"Shall we get started?".
Mrs Payne silently shaking with anger at this, and as went upstairs, called afterwards, with audible anger,
"Shall I make the tea?", to which responded with much aggravation, "NO TEA!".

Day 154

Much annoyed yesterday, as had Professor Uptight around reviewing charity poster design.  Explained had tried to incorporate his suggestions, thought result rather good.  Mrs Payne looked on also, gave hum of approval.

Some moments passed of silence, after which Uptight broke into quite fearful rant, said was terribly sorry, design most unacceptable.  Had seen rather better from undergraduate art students.  Composition positively terrible, as was colour, and bore no resemblance to what had drawn himself.  Sorry to ask, but had I received formal education in design?  Stood in outraged silence at this, rather shaking with anger.

Mrs Payne took her opportunity, said with sigh,
"Never mind, I'll do another design.  Robert, get me a pen, would you, I'll draw on this envelope.".
At this Uptight most annoyed, queried had Mrs Payne helped with design before?
Mrs Payne most pleased, said she rather had, and had he seen advertisement design in newspaper of late?  Was her design!
Decided this altogether too much, and at quite some volume, begged Uptight's pardon, but as it happens was professionally qualified, and Mrs Payne contributed not a JOT to any of my designs.  Any such advertisement based on scribblings of Mrs Payne carried out by boss, and further more, if had problem with my design, would jolly well suggest he talk to boss!

Looked directly at Uptight for some moments with stern fury in my eyes, and after some moments Uptight realised all was lost, and saying not a word, stalked out the place.

Mrs Payne rather taken back by this, said with surprise,
"I say, Robert, what a fearful man.  Now, about that pen..".

Wednesday, 16 May 2012

Day 153 - lunch

Most annoyed as received email this morning from boss, was terribly sorry, but barring of Uptight (his term) caused rather a stink, also, what was this he heard about awful tea?  Replied to boss was sorry for complaint, tea altogether last resort, Mrs Payne's doing.  This duly accepted, said it positively hilarious, but please let Uptight in next time.  Also, could I see about some good tea?

Having retrieved altogether fancy and expensive earl grey, set about work, and bound to say have done rather good job.  By means of keeping peace, adhered to Uptight's ridiculous scribblings where possible, and completed draft.

Showed Mrs Payne work over lunch.  Was altogether disinterested, as fearfully annoyed at Uptight coming again later.  Took quite some convincing at not getting gravy out for tea, said, almost shaking with anger,
"I'll do it, Robert!  God help me, I'll do it!".

Calmed Mrs Payne, said agreed entirely, but boss had said this quite impossible tactic.  Asked would she like to try some proper earl grey for lunch?  This reticently agreed to, so brewed a nice pot with correct amount of leaves.

Gave cup to Mrs Payne, and upon tasting gave rather disgusted look as one having eaten ash, said looking down at cup with displeasure I was fearful idiot, had surely made it wrong.  Altogether concerned about this, as cannot afford another Uptight upset.  Putting cup down rather firmly, Mrs Payne exclaimed with annoyance,
"I'd own that's worse than yesterday.  Pass the gravy granules."

Day 153

Expected worst yesterday afternoon, and pleased to say had foresight to prime Mrs Payne with excuse, should need arise.  As such came as positively no surprise to hear knock at front door around 4 o'clock, and with terrible care, peered out of window saw Professor Uptight's car back from university.

Heard from downstairs Mrs Payne most adamant, said was terribly sorry, I was working, and not to be disturbed.  Uptight most annoyed at this, said was disgrace, was paying for time, and would jolly well be having words.  Somewhat concerned about this, however Mrs Payne defended beautifully, ending conversation with,
"Really, terribly sorry, but perhaps you'd like some tea?".
Ducked behind curtain as saw Uptight stalk down drive, shouting behind him with much annoyance,
"Tell Smith I'll be having words!".

Tuesday, 15 May 2012

Day 152 - lunch

Quite astonished this morning to hear knock at door and find Uptight on step, asking regards project.  Explained was terribly sorry, only worked office hours, as such had not yet started.  At this Uptight said was sure I had made some sketches, promptly invited himself in.

Other half most annoyed at this, as was in middle of breakfast and quite unwilling for visitors.  Explained as such with fearful glare in my direction.

Pulled out sketchpad and set about some ideas I had already thought about.  These proved altogether falling short, instantly dismissed by Uptight as was sure could do better himself.  Most annoyed at this, said to Mrs Payne perhaps she would be so kind as to make the tea.  This caused rather confusion, Mrs Payne exclaiming she thought... then understanding immediately, said with pleasure,
"Early grave it is!".  Replied under breath I certainly hoped so.

Whilst Uptight went on about design, deathly boring, looked at Mrs Payne making tea.  Bound to say took quite some time to find tea, having been mercilessly shoved to back of cupboard following annoyance yesterday.  Had to interrupt Mrs Payne on one occasion to say best not make tea with that, as was gravy granules.  Uptight interrupted at this, said he found gravy granules quite fearful.

Having finally retrieved box of earl grey tea, Mrs Payne set about making it.  In evident confusion at quantities, looked between pot and box, and with much amusement poured quantity into tea pot direct from box.  Thought this positively inspired.  All too eager to make tea, Mrs Payne poured remainder of long-since boiled hot water into pot, and seeing water level falling rather short, checked Uptight not watching, filled remainder direct from tap, swilling around the mixture, and uttering to herself quietly,
"Oh I say!".

Gestured as Mrs Payne put this concoction on table to pour immediately, as could not stand another second of Uptight's boring, unwelcome diatribe.  Having poured, I pushed a cup towards Uptight on top of sketchpad, by way of indicating necessity to acknowledge offering.  Mrs Payne, evidently forgetting the foul liquid she had made, took quite gulp of the stuff, and following several moments of difficultly swallowing, said with a gasp,
"Oh...  Delicious!".  Promptly turned white.

Took cup to my mouth at same time as Uptight, with smell of the brew bad enough, and smiled as took smallest sip into mouth.  Taste quite like stale malt, and most pungent in aroma, bound to say had awful taste in mouth for some minutes afterwards.  Most thankful that Mrs Payne filled my cup altogether shorter than Uptight's.

Followed further minutes of most annoying opinion from Uptight on design, and with every comment, insisted he drank tea.  This eventually had effect desired, Uptight having drank particularly large gulp, presumably in effort to rid himself of the drink, Mrs Payne promptly said, "more tea?" and before had moment to swallow, had filled his cup to almost overflowing.  With look of horror, Uptight said thank you very much for tea, and having already bolted for front door, said had better be going, good-bye.

Thanked Mrs Payne profusely having returned to kitchen, said I didn't know how she had made such a foul brew.  This explained with delight,
"I added a little something!", and bringing cup to her nose, had a deep smell, said victoriously,
"Meaty!".

Day 152

Bound to say meeting with Professor Uptight positively fearful yesterday.  Had earl grey tea ready for arrival at 4 o'clock, and not ashamed to say had asked Mrs Payne to stay in lounge by way of moral support.

Had knock at door as clock chimed four and in walked Uptight, most regal in manner, causing Mrs Payne to rise to be greeted, rather as one might meet the queen.  Offered tea immediately, by way of putting Uptight in best mood, said had earl grey, naturally, and offered biscuit from arrangement of best we had to offer.  (Will expense these also.)

Tea having been poured, Uptight set about explaining project.  This altogether straight-forward, with requirement for poster to be used at charity function on Thursday evening.  Most annoyed as Mrs Payne interrupted, said with awful wince,
"I say, this tea is fearful, Robert!  What did you say it was called?  Early Grave?".
At this Mrs Payne started promptly on biscuits as Uptight continued regards tea, said was quite rankest tea had ever had the misfortune to taste.  Most annoyed at this.

Following explanation of project, Uptight queried in most rude manner as to did I find it hard working from home.  Rigorously defending this, said as it happens yes I worked rather hard.  At this Mrs Payne looked up, and having almost chocked on biscuit, said rather seriously,
"Fearfully hard.", adding with some thought, "Apart from this morning.  We played dominoes and I won!".

Thanked Professor for his time, said I would be in touch.  Uptight most sarcastic when leaving, said would not want to interrupt dominoes, thank you.

Monday, 14 May 2012

Day 151 - lunch

Finished playing dominoes with Mrs Payne, and most annoyed as lost fearfully.  This not helped by Mrs Payne repeating request about bunion.  Lost altogether a pound before thankfully being rescued by telephone call.  Said was terribly sorry, would not have time for bunion, perhaps could ask daughter?  Most displeased as Mrs Payne added other half said I was positive expert in bunions.  Sure other half thought this quite hilarious.  Will tickle mercilessly later.

Boss said good news was had some work to do, bad news was work was for Professor Updike.  Said was terribly sorry, but Professor "Uptight" from next door?  This explained in the affirmative, with much amusement to nickname, said it rather more accurate than perhaps realised.

Work was outlined as artwork for charity event for university, project Uptight fearfully serious about, would accept only very best work.  Said would be around this afternoon by way of visit, hope this acceptable, would be terribly grateful.  By the by, did I have any earl grey tea?  Professor fearfully particular about tea, and shouldn't like to upset him.  Certainly add this to expenses, many thanks, good-bye.

Explained to Mrs Payne would have visitor later, and set about finding some earl grey tea, quite sure had some in back of cupboard.  Mrs Payne most displeased upon hearing visitor was Uptight, queried with some annoyance,
"Shall I put away the good biscuits?".

Day 151

Very pleased as finished work on time on Friday, as such have not a jot to do until hear from boss this morning.  Suggested to Mrs Payne at breakfast perhaps would like to play dominoes this morning.  This accepted as delightful idea, further, could I have look at her bunion later?

Agreed as to playing one or two games, then would be fearfully busy immediately afterwards.  Also agreed to playing for 20 pence pieces as usual.  Mrs Payne warned had been practicing late at night, was rather good.  Said she was one of those professional players, what were they called?  Had heard about them on news.  Started with domino-something.

Having explained had not clue what Mrs Payne talking about went to retrieve dominoes from cupboard.  Cowered in horror as Mrs Payne, exclaimed after some thought,
"Ah, I remember!  You better watch me, Robert, I'm rather good.  I'm a dominatrix!".

Friday, 11 May 2012

Day 150 - lunch

Came downstairs mid-morning as with Mrs Payne had forgot about flask of tea, and most surprised to find Mrs Payne altogether absent from armchair.  Heard much oofing from kitchen, and presently found Mrs Payne slowly tottering around kitchen, leaning heavily on wheeled serving cart.  Was most annoyed at this, said did she know she was buckling wheels?  This vigorously denied, said had buckled wheels earlier sitting on it.

Had quite some argument regards ruining another serving cart, with Mrs Payne most unconcerned, said had brought it on myself regards no biscuits.  Besides, was sure item was most inferior quality, although was altogether more stable now wheels buckled.  At this promptly sat down, causing frightful creaking, was sure item would buckle entirely, explode into shards.  Pleased with demonstration, Mrs Payne said with satisfaction,
"See!".

Having made toast, Mrs Payne set about returning to lounge.  Most annoyed to find Mrs Payne altogether blocking door when returning to office with tea.  Said with much annoyance did she mind, was trying to work.  Mrs Payne most flustered with this, said was not her fault legs stiff, fearful body letting her down, mind was fit as fiddle!  Manoeuvring from door Mrs Payne sat on cart by way of letting me past.  Exclaimed as walked past, was quite sure mind fit as fiddle, reaching stairs shouted back thoughtfully, did her mind know she was sitting on toast?

Day 150

Still fearful amount of work to do, and altogether displeased at breakfast as Mrs Payne in jolliest of moods on account of quite prodigious amount of sleep.  Said at length was still rather stiff however.  Quite ignored these complaints with quiet annoyance.

Other half helped Mrs Payne to armchair before leaving for work.  Almost immediately Mrs Payne asked could I see about some tea.

Tea having been brought, said had not a jot of time to waste, was going to work, would have to fend for herself.  At this went upstairs for work, with Mrs Payne shouting after me,
"What about the biscuits?  I say, biscuits!".

Thursday, 10 May 2012

Day 149 - lunch

Pleased to say Mrs Payne returned to base, and returned also calm.  Said had walked positively leagues in afternoon, returning home before dinner rather worn out, complaining of aching legs and had not a jot of energy.

Mrs Payne most lethargic through dinner, propping head up with elbow on table, said sleepily not a drop of narcotic would pass her lips.  This evidently proven true, as some way through dinner Mrs Payne fell asleep, still brandishing upright a sausage on her fork.

Woke Mrs Payne, having cleared up, leaving all but fork and sausage in Mrs Payne's possession.  Was most annoyed about this, said was only resting her eyes, was still eating.  Informed Mrs Payne as to dinner being rather cold by now, by the by, had also had dessert and washed up.

Helped Mrs Payne to lounge, most stiff on account of walking, and much aggravated at sitting on sofa, as positively refused to help to my armchair.

All sat down, said had been positively frightful day, think deserved sherry.  Poured glass for other half, most exasperated at mother's antics, had rather large glass myself.  Set about sitting down, Mrs Payne most annoyed, said terribly sorry to be of nuisance, but was she invisible?  Said certainly not, but had she not said not a drop of narcotic would pass her lips?  This duly denied, said had not single recollection of it, and if would not provide sherry, would jolly well pour herself.  At this proceeded various oofing, was quite unable to upright herself from sofa.  Said with sigh would get her small glass.  Having retrieved glass and bottle from cabinet went about pouring rather ungenerous half glass, and by time had taken it to sofa, Mrs Payne positively asleep.  Realised after some moments this most unwise, explained to other half, mother was sitting on cushion wet from puddle.

Day 149

Had awful afternoon yesterday with Mrs Payne, most energetic on account of coffee.  Had to positively pull vacuum cleaner from hands, at which she stopped for a moment, and looking at me directly, gave fearful tirade on dust, shaking terribly throughout.  Ignored this entirely, said would go and get some camomile tea, most calming, would she kindly sit down.

Bound to say made myself camomile tea also, as heart positively pounding from dealing with Mrs Payne.  Steeled myself as brought tray of tea into lounge and heart positively stopped.  Put down tray and queried optimistically,
"Mrs Payne?".  She was gone.

After some moments heard rather odd squeaking from lounge window, at which found Mrs Payne outside, rapidly cleaning exterior of window with a cushion.  Walked towards window, and in much annoyance shouted at terrible volume,
"MRS PAYNE!".  A moment passed, after which Mrs Payne saw me through window, and with scared quiver, tottered away from window.  Stalked to front door to find Mrs Payne tottering down drive, and again shouted at quite some volume,
"I say, MRS PAYNE!".  At this, Mrs Payne called me a bounder, promptly threw cushion at me with as much force as could muster, falling altogether short, landing in puddle.

Most annoyed as recovered cushion from puddle, by which time Mrs Payne some yards away.  Looking back Mrs Payne called me a bounder once more, and seeing suspicious old couple, stood at front door and open-mouthed with shock, said in terribly shrill voice,
"Coooee!", continued walking at surprising pace, and before long, was gone.

Wednesday, 9 May 2012

Day 148 - lunch

Had quite enough of Mrs Payne's horrifying tea, so made flask for work this morning, quite ingenious, as had tea all morning and not a jot of time wasted or interruption from Mrs Payne.  This taken altogether badly, said would be frightfully quiet in house, had not a thing to do all day, sure to be terribly bored.

Most annoyed mid-morning as had little tapping at door, and opened to find Mrs Payne smiling most abundantly, said had made me coffee!  Had perfected technique, was most delicious!  Had two herself by way of testing.  Really, should try, and should she put it down?  No?  Was I sure?  Really, most delicious!  Found this most disconcerting, said most sternly coffee very kind, but had tea, and would she please go and sit down and calm herself.

Pleased to say achieved awful lot this morning, but again interrupted before lunch by fearful noise of vacuum cleaner.  This went on all too long, and just as about to go and ask what devil was happening, Mrs Payne burst into room, vacuuming at fearful rate, with look of determination and mania in eyes.  Queried at terrible volume and much annoyance what on earth was going on, at which Mrs Payne replied in astonishing rapidity that was feeling most energetic, place awfully dusty, vacuuming house, certainly dusty, this room worst, please could I move chair, dust very bad for chest, please could I replace chair, more to do yet, would be back, awfully dusty, curtains too!  Following this whirlwind of noise, Mrs Payne left room, slamming door.  Stood in shock, hearing through door Mrs Payne uttering manically,
"Dust!  Dust!  Dust!".

Day 148

Still rather behind on work, as although fearfully busy yesterday afternoon, had constant interruptions for tea.  Each visit from Mrs Payne another abomination.

Having recovered tray of milk to kitchen, Mrs Payne said tea making better suited to kitchen.  As such brought up tea after lunch already made.  Said was surely delicious, but would I care to try it.  Did so, found tea rather weak, and also milky.  This explained, Mrs Payne said was terribly sorry, had not put enough water in pot, as such only drops of tea available, but filled cup up with milk, didn't want to be disappointed.

Explained rule for tea leaves of 'one per cup, and one for the pot', received second cup later in afternoon altogether more optimistically.  Bound to say found this quite strongest tea, rather tar like in consistency.  Said was terribly sorry, but if put biscuit in that, would very likely dissolve.  This taken with much annoyance from Mrs Payne, said had put in cups required, one each, and one for pot.  Begged her pardon, had she put entire cup of tea in?  At this Mrs Payne said was a fearful idiot, had put three in!  Explained this altogether too much tea, had meant tea spoons of leaves.  Mrs Payne tottered downstairs most upset, as having asked would I like the tea anyway, said I would rather die of thirst.

Tuesday, 8 May 2012

Day 147 - lunch

Worked fearfully all morning, but disturbed by faint tapping at door mid-morning.  Opened it to find Mrs Payne with tray of tea items, dress positively covered in water.  Seeing me surveying this, Mrs Payne said by way of explanation,
"Forgot about the spout again!", proceeded to barge into office.

Mrs Payne took tea lady duties most seriously, asked would I like milk, and having laid tray on desk, proceeded to monopolise entirety of my time as she carefully poured out milk, insistent I not help.  Milk having been poured, and one of three types of biscuit selected, Mrs Payne set about pouring tea.  Begged her pardon, but tea seemed awfully weak.  This positively unfathomable, Mrs Payne said should perhaps leave for longer.  Several moments passed as ate biscuit, resigned to time saving by Mrs Payne's assistance positively impossible.  Finally Mrs Payne said should we try again, at which proceeded to pour once more, tea still weak.

By way of rehearsing steps for tea making, Mrs Payne set about various mimes whilst talking to herself.  Following this, proceeded to remove lid from tea pot, exclaimed with surprise,
"Oh I say!  No tea!".

Followed, Mrs Payne tottered downstairs, and in most ridiculous of strategies, came back upstairs carefully balancing tea spoon of tea.  Said this rather too little, at which Mrs Payne explained rather lot had fallen off on journey.  Most disappointed by this, Mrs Payne said I could have it, at which dropped tea leaves directly into my cup, half filled with hot water and milk.  Most pleased with this, said was sure it delicious, wouldn't interrupt for moment longer.  At this, picked up tray, promptly spilling milk jug.  Tray now pooled with milk, precariously set about leaving the room, carefully balancing tide of milk on tray, exclaiming,
"Oh I say!".

Day 147

Terribly busy at moment due to four day week.  Altogether convenient for weekend, not for productivity.  As such have five days of work to cram into four.

Have told Mrs Payne have not a jot of time for mid-morning and -afternoon tea making, and will work through lunch also to make up time.  Mrs Payne most put out by this, said didn't know how to make tea, would be positively parched by time other half got home.  Declared this absolute nonsense, tea altogether simple to make.  At this Mrs Payne steeled herself, said would try fearfully to provide tea as was working so hard.  By the by, did one put milk in pot also?

Most frustrating as explained to Mrs Payne how to make tea, eventually agreed it altogether simple.  Test run rather unsuccessful as Mrs Payne tried pouring water into kettle through spout, at which water sprayed all over sink, Mrs Payne, and by way of shock, Mrs Payne proceeded to spill water onto my slippers.  Apology altogether unacceptable of,
"Oh!  I am silly!", proceeding to spill more.

Monday, 7 May 2012

Day 146 - lunch

Had call from boss this morning, would we be available for brunch.  Said this positively delightful, was sure other half and Mrs Payne agreeable.  Boss replied was excellent news.  By the by, their cooker not working, but had quantity of bacon, could perhaps come around to our house?

Boss and Horseface arrived mid-morning, and had quite prodigious amount of bacon.  Bound to say had gone to butcher and asked for whole pig.  Setting about our side of bargain, bacon was soon cooking, and were enjoying coffee from Mrs Payne's expert hand with coffee machine, still in lounge.  Boss commented on this, and other half most annoyed it still being there.

Horseface commented during brunch as to not having played dominoes of late.  Said not a word on this, as too aware of Horesface, as competitive as a nag on derby day.  Other half said this quite brilliant idea, could start immediately, in fact after another bacon sandwich, most delicious.

All dutiful in finishing off bacon, set about playing dominoes.  Usual rules applied of 20 pence per game, winner takes all.  This altogether difficult as had barely a 20 pence each.  At this Mrs Payne tottered upstairs, and came down with quite largest jar of coins had ever seen, by way of acting as banker.  Horseface queried quite astonishing collection, at which Mrs Payne said had squirrelled away pennies from telephone table.  At this most furious, exclaimed at volume,
"That's my change!".

This nervously ignored by Mrs Payne, said had we all got 20 pence pieces, let's begin.

Played several games, with each winning rather evenly.  As such by lunchtime, each had their original money.  This appeared most disappointing to all, as each said had played terribly well, had almost won on several occasions.  Horseface had most tantalising suggestion, could bet all money on last game!  This duly accepted by all, followed rather tentative and exciting play.  Horseface and I had but two tiles left as clock struck twelve.  At this Mrs Payne unceremoniously got up from kitchen table, other half said was terribly sorry, but snooker on.  Horseface protested as to what about money, had nearly won!  At this Mrs Payne said was quite right, promptly reached into auntie, retrieved her share of coins, went into lounge with not a word.  Seeing this, other half looked rather sheepish, did the same, apologising profusely.

Horseface, boss and I sat at table for several moments, rather stunned as to abandoned game.  Horseface uttered "but..." several times, and before had time for warning, went into lounge to make protest about resuming game.  Before had time for more than word, quite bellowing voice shook through house from Mrs Payne,
"DO YOU MIND!".

Day 146

Positively fearful weekend, despite bank holiday Monday.  Mrs Payne and other half surprisingly interested in snooker, and quite avid in watching on television.  As such spent quantity of weekend in deathly silence, with any such interjection on baffling nature of their obsession greeted with awfully terse and rather loud comment,
"DO YOU MIND?".

Have caught up awfully well on bills and letters, and Sunday newspaper baron from readers, positively monopolised it myself, except some elements of Sports section, on account of snooker stories.

Helped myself to sherry after dinner awfully careful as to not make noise.  Very pleased as sat down with sherry, other half and Mrs Payne altogether undisturbed.  Was most displeased as other half looked away momentarily, saw my sherry, said was fearfully unkind, would I have them starve?  Explained most unlikely to starve due to lack of sherry, at which Mrs Payne interjected stated I was a bounder, she would like a sherry, and as I attempted defense, replied, shaking with annoyance,
"I SAID, DO YOU MIND!".

Friday, 4 May 2012

Day 145 - lunch

Received another call from Mrs Payne before lunch, most surprised as asked could I pick her up from station, OVER.  Most dismayed as was hoping for trip to last all day.  Replied would be there shortly, and put telephone down as heard Mrs Payne exclaiming,
"You forgot to say OVER!".

Picked Mrs Payne up and bound to say in most annoyed mood.  Asked had Mrs Perfect been in, and received terribly terse reply that pair of them positive bounders, would say no more of it.

Provided tea for Mrs Payne once home, and asked rather tentatively if had been problems in Shrewsbury.  Said she rather thought there had.  At this provided little scrap of paper with address, handed it to me with face red with anger.  Read the address and immediately saw problem.  Queried had perhaps relationship with the Perfects not been quite as dazzling as first thought?  This all but ignored, so read out address, said it rather convincing:

Mr & Mrs _________
Bedfyve,
Lu Nee Farm,
Shrewsbury

Begged her pardon, but had she asked taxi driver to take her to "Lu Nee Farm"?  Replied in affirmative had asked numerously, shaking with anger promptly threw scrap on fire.

Day 145

Most pleased this morning as Mrs Payne said instead of attempting calling Mrs Perfect, would instead pay her visit.  Other half much opposed to this, said would certainly be inconvenience.  Mrs Payne thought it cleverest of plans, would be jolly surprise, and really most dazzling of endeavours.  Supported this view also, as meant entire day of quiet.

Took Mrs Payne to train station and had no sooner come back than telephone rang, Mrs Payne "checking in" at train station, letting me know was safe.  Replied had only dropped her off 10 minutes ago, and could she stop saying "OVER" after every sentence.  This greeted by silence until after some moments of frustration I eventually said, "OVER", and conversation continued.

Several calls followed on 10 minute basis and most annoyed at this as fearfully busy.  Said to Mrs Payne could she stop calling, OVER.  This altogether ignored, as overheard Mrs Payne having argument with ticket collector, saying in much annoyance,
"Do you MIND, I'm transmitting on my radio telephone!".

Thursday, 3 May 2012

Day 144 - lunch

Most annoyed this morning as needed to telephone boss, every time found Mrs Payne on telephone.  Awfully busy so not a jot of time to argue this, set about working and emailed instead.

Received email some time later, boss begged my pardon, but was there problem with telephone?  Had called but telephone instantly hung up, and engaged terribly all morning.  Positively furious at this, went downstairs and asked what game was with telephone, frightfully expensive and who on earth was Mrs Payne speaking to?  This totally ignored, Mrs Payne dialling furiously, saying "Hello", promptly hanging up.  Had quite enough, retrieved handset from Mrs Payne, most shocked, said did I mind, was on telephone!

Suggested perhaps would like tea, and could explain why on telephone all morning, had she invested in telephone company stocks and was propping up profits?  This vigorously denied, said it most ridiculous, was calling every number in Shrewsbury!  Begged Mrs Payne's pardon, this most ridiculous, why calling?  Followed explanation as to Mrs Perfect's telephone number being wrong, and was sure had written number correctly, was using terribly clever strategy, "process of elimination".  Replied I rather thought opposite, further, would confiscate telephone if further attempts made.  Mrs Payne most annoyed at this, said had already eliminated over one hundred numbers.  Explained as to many thousands remaining, quickly dismissed by Mrs Payne and being rather trivial, would be done by lunchtime.  At this took tea and telephone, stalked upstairs with both.  Mrs Payne shouted up in much annoyance,
"I was nearly done!".

Day 144

No word from Mrs Perfect, and Mrs Payne most annoyed at this.  Said was certainly fault of mobile telephone, and text must be, "stuck in its innards".

As such yesterday evening Mrs Payne spent quite some time on telephone, studiously investigating the device with her glasses on.  Other half and I went to bed, Mrs Payne still diligently investigating.

Still awake at midnight and came downstairs to see about light on.  Found Mrs Payne asleep on armchair, clutching phone, and mumbling in her sleep,
"Over..., the war..., it's over..., come home..., oh..., games..!".

Wednesday, 2 May 2012

Day 143 - lunch

No further "transmissions" received by Mrs Payne this morning, although looked at phone throughout breakfast diligently.  Said wondered if soldier had got home.  Other half stifled giggle rather badly.  Said something went down wrong way.

Mrs Payne begged my pardon, but could I see about putting Mrs Perfect's number on telephone?  Had tried herself, was fearfully difficult.  Suspected this all too difficult for me to arrange, would perhaps ask someone "more with it".

Telephone having been set to English from Portuguese, showed Mrs Payne how to add number.  Said could either telephone, or could also send text!  This achieved utter bafflement, said did not know Mrs Perfect's address to send "textagram".  Explained was not "telegram", but text sent to telephone number, ever so convenient.  At this Mrs Payne said I was fearful idiot, text surely short for textagram.  Other half stifled another giggle.

Mrs Payne presently sent message to Mrs Perfect with rather lot of help.  Despite better advice, ended each sentence with "STOP" and message with "OVER AND OUT".  Was terribly pleased with this, asked how long would take to get reply.  Explained was practically instant!  Mrs Payne focused on telephone, awaiting reply with look of expectation on face.  Wondering if perhaps message had been received silently, occasionally turned on telephone, and selecting messages, said "oooo!" with excitement, before seeing 'No Messages', and turning "ooo!" into "oh..." with disappointment.

Day 143

Mrs Payne terribly pleased with mobile telephone.  Spent quantity of yesterday evening looking at it.  Begged her pardon, but was she intending on using the device?  This quickly denied, as fearfully complicated to operate.  Was quite unlike my mobile telephone, suitable for, "any idiot".

Other half most tired of this talk of mobile telephone, said it altogether ridiculous mother having one could barely use.  Said would make hot cocoa before bed.

Said to Mrs Payne rather same regards mobile telephone, and perhaps should return it.  This rigorously denied, Mr And Mrs Perfect thought they quite excellent.  This explanation interrupted by Mrs Payne's telephone ringing with quite horrific volume and tune, and Mrs Payne, shouting over the ring tone, exclaimed,
"My first transmission!  How do I connect?".

Having explained to press the little green button Mrs Payne duly answered, and as one peering down a well not knowing what might be therein, queried,
"Hello?".

Followed quite some conversation at which was most bemused, with various comments as to the year, the war being over, and should return to base.  Call soon came to end as Mrs Payne ended call with "Over and out", and having explained to press the little red button, hung up.

Mrs Payne altogether shocked, said had received transmission from someone lost at war!  This most exciting, and had provided information on getting this "brave man" home.  Mrs Payne regained looking at her phone with new found awe, saying to herself quietly,
"To think, my phone used for military transmissions!  Fancy!".

Went to see about hot cocoa and found other half rolling around kitchen in muted laughter.  Said I thought this positively terrible of her.  Could I do next one?

Tuesday, 1 May 2012

Day 142 - lunch

Back from mobile telephone shop, and bound to say event positive nightmare.

Seeing easy prey, teenage shop assistant all too happy to help, set about showing various options in catalogue at quite frightful prices.  Mrs Payne explained would not want to spend all too much, in fact particular model on counter looked most suitable. Assistant said was terribly sorry, that was calculator.

Mrs Payne paid no attention to this, set about looking at various telephones on display, proceeding to hold each to ear, and utter,
"Hello?".  Eventually turned to assistant and I at count, exclaimed,
"I say, there's no one there!".

Followed much discussion as to telephones' suitability, with all declared rather too small.  Mrs Payne said could barely see the words and little pictures.  This tested by holding device some inches from face, as had forgotten glasses.

Eventually came across suitable device, perfect in size and all too easy to see.  Mrs Payne most pleased with this, said it did look rather smart, and could see why was called a smart-phone.  At this Mrs Payne asked to see my mobile telephone, and declared looked quite ridiculous in comparison.  Explained to assistant that I was fearful bore.

Promptly left shop with Mrs Payne clutching new mobile telephone and me carrying bag.  Looked on the device much pleasure, said she wondered when would receive her first transmission.  Too exasperated to respond.

Day 142

Found armchair altogether distant from window yesterday afternoon, as such moved it myself once Mrs Payne vacated.  Said I cared not a jot for sofa being less comfortable, could jolly well lump it.  Mrs Payne said this precisely the problem.

Most annoyed to find Mrs Payne having attempted use of my mobile telephone.  Said would like to try one before acquiring herself.  Promptly took this back, with Mrs Payne saying was positively no use anyway, and must be a fearfully poor model, as all too difficult to use.  Further, did I know telephone appeared to be set to Portuguese?

Muito irritou at this, spent fearfully long time returning telephone to English.