Further probing from other half revealed Mrs Payne partaking in beginner's course at crown green bowling club. Had always fancied giving it a go, and rather near. Followed, however, quite scathing description, as Mrs Payne said,
"They're all fearfully old, you know! Not a day under 70 among them!". Held my tongue at this, as was quite certain Mrs Payne altogether approaching the fine old age herself. Mrs Payne added by way of underlining her point,
"And they do talk some nonsense! One at least two separate occasions I had to ask for quiet while I threw my ball!". Quite uncertain as to this being correct terminology, however had no time to query, as Mrs Payne continued saying could not give up, as everyone so fearfully kind! Also, they had cake.
Bound to say has always been curiosity of mine to play bowls, and hit upon quite brilliant idea. Exclaimed at an instant,
"I say, Mrs Payne! We can play with you!". At this other half gave a squeal of delight, said whilst clapping her hands,
Mrs Payne altogether unsure of this, said with dejection,
"You'll have to bring cake.".
Friday, 29 June 2012
Further probing from other half revealed Mrs Payne partaking in beginner's course at crown green bowling club. Had always fancied giving it a go, and rather near. Followed, however, quite scathing description, as Mrs Payne said,
At breakfast other half and I altogether casual with our conversation. Looking out of window, exclaimed to other half,
"I say, the grass is looking GREEN!". Most displeased as got barely a movement from Mrs Payne, however other half exclaimed in reply,
"Oh, it is! We could play a GAME on such fine GRASS!". At this Mrs Payne shifted rather in her seat, as other half and I looked at each other with delight.
Some moments passed as we had our breakfast, with look of quiet concern across Mrs Payne's face. Having got up to see about tidying away, I further upped the ante, exclaiming with surprise,
"Bowls! We do have a lot of bowls in the dishwasher!". Other half gave a sly smile, said nonchalantly,
"I beg your pardon, Robert?". Repeated my comment with quite some emphasis,
"Lot of BOWLS!", to which other half echoed,
"BOWLS?", until both of us were in quite frantic bowls related conversation, at which Mrs Payne stood up and quite some agitation said with annoyance,
"I GIVE UP, I'VE BEEN PLAYING BOWLS! Would you kindly BE QUIET!".
Other half giggled rather in giddy excitement as we attempted silence. After some moments I asked in rather calm way, had she enjoyed it? At this Mrs Payne looked altogether serious, and and got up to leave the table, uttered a single word,
Thursday, 28 June 2012
"Oh, say. I had better empty the bin. How silly of me. Yes, I will do that now.". Most surprised as other half grimaced during this performance, which turned into sickly smile as Mrs Payne looked at her altogether confused.
As I set about going outside heard Mrs Payne say to her daughter with some exasperation,
"I better be going. Sometimes your Robert is a fearful idiot.".
Most displeased with this as took some time putting bag in bin. Mobile telephone vibrated in pocket, and answered in with much pleasure at my stealthiness. Other half said again,
"Old mother goose has left the nest!". Replied with excitement,
"Tally ho! I'm off!", and set off as I hung up, hearing other half say with some annoyance,
"Tally ho? You're not on a bally boat!".
Followed quite some stealthy tracking, as I carefully sneaked from bush to bush behind Mrs Payne. Had frightful shock as Mrs Payne turned at one time, and had to dash into someone's garden through a gate. Heart was quite pounding at this and missed an old chap kneeling down gardening, positively tumbled over him landing in a heap. Evidently an army man, old chap of at least 150 years took several moments getting to his feet, at which barked in fearful voice,
"What the devil! Name and rank, young man!". Stood also, and altogether silent with the shock, as chaps wife, no doubt equaling his years, shouted from front door with equal bark,
"Is that the postman?". At this old chap seemed rather lacking in visual identification, said with scrutiny,
"Got any post?". Begged his pardon, but I didn't, and promptly escaped through gate before further questions. Heard old chap as I continued my pursuit shouting to his wife,
"No post today, dear!".
Thankful to say no further accosting took place, and having kept up, saw Mrs Payne reach her destination! Ever so excited to tell other half, and shall write not a jot more until I do.
Other half rather annoyed yesterday with me having lost Mrs Payne. Said had a jolly good mind to demote me to 006. When enlisted to help with 'intelligence', had rather hoped for a bit more of it! Thought this distinctly rough.
Other half detailed updated plan, with me taking bin out as Mrs Payne left. This rather more convenient as would be quite ready to follow Mrs Payne, and had alibi to be outside. Bound to say other half thought herself quite the mastermind, and once plan complete, other half said with excitement,
"Right, 006! To your preparations!". Altogether displeased as this reduction in number. Followed silence for a few moments, at which other half said I was a darling and looked terribly disappointed, was promoting me to 007 again. Said I should jolly well think so as we embraced.
Wednesday, 27 June 2012
Eventually Mrs Payne said was going out, with other half and I giving barely a response. At this Mrs Payne seemed rather affronted, soon left home with rather a slam of front door. Other half jumped up, giving me quite a shock, at which exclaimed rather stealthily,
"Get to the bally door, 007!".
Jumped up and opened back door rather quietly as not to let Mrs Payne hear, no doubt barely a yard from the house. Had awful shock as mobile telephone rang with quite frightfully loud tone, with heart quite pounding as struggled to turn it off. Other half whispered hoarsely down the phone with much annoyance,
"You fool, you've damned us all!". Replied I thought this rather ridiculous, as other half interrupted saying,
"Old mother goose has left the nest!". Begged her pardon, but what was that? At this other half said rather in annoyance,
"I say Robert, you're not taking this very seriously.". Once message understood, set off altogether stealthily after Mrs Payne. Stopping at front of house however, saw not a jot of her. Looked around with awed surprise. Mrs Payne had vanished.
Organised plan such that should Mrs Payne totter off this morning, other half would spy from front window, whilst I would carefully follow having exited from back door. Would communicate by way of mobile telephone as to progress. This having been agreed with much excitement, other half said I did not have licence to kill, but rather licence "not to knock the bally bin over this time".
Tuesday, 26 June 2012
This morning, quite elated as Mrs Payne left table rather quickly at breakfast, said was going out. Replied by way of alibi had quite fearful amount of work, as watched Mrs Payne totter out of front door. As door closed, in quite sharpest manner, retrieved coat, and was out of back door like a flash, hearing only other half's voice behind me,
"I say, Robert! What the bally!".
Thought as I stalked carefully down drive should have involved Moneypenny, all too late as chase was now on, although very much of tortoise and hare. Had to dash altogether quickly behind dust bin making terrible noise as in several minutes, Mrs Payne had barely got to end of drive. At this precarious moment, other half came out from back door, said in awfully loud voice,
"I say, Robert! I say, what the bally!". Hushing other half altogether unwise, looked fearfully angry as heard Mrs Payne's voice in distance,
"Is everything alright, dear?". Followed quite some conversation, shouting down drive Mrs Payne commented as to me being a fearful idiot, as I slowly got up and stalked into house in utmost fury. Quite certainly James Bond, 007, does not have such frightful mother-in-law.
Newspaper retrieved, Mrs Payne altogether surprised, said she quite didn't know her own intelligence, had completed it earlier without realising! Commented this terribly impressive, had she taken it with her earlier? Added rather less subtly, by the by, where had she gone? At this Mrs Payne meandered out of kitchen, quite ignoring me as she did so, saying quietly,
"Oh, I am clever!".
Monday, 25 June 2012
Had not a jot to do so took to making sense of crossword myself. Ever so difficult as Mrs Payne had quite fearful answers already inked in. For clue, "Beautiful flower, S--, 11 letters", Mrs Payne had entered, "S E L F R A I S I N G". For clue, "Commander of soldiers, B--, 9 letters", Mrs Payne had entered, "B O I L E D E G G". By way of connecting these words, Mrs Payne had unfortunate clue, "Feeling at this time in life, S--G, 7 letters", had entered,
"S A G G I N G".
Bound to say remainder of crossword ever so difficult and quite certain entirety of Mrs Payne's answers most ridiculous. Shall query the sagging later.
Altogether little work on this morning. Looked wistfully at coffee machine before work but thought better of attempting to make coffee myself. Rather convoluted contraption, with Mrs Payne's ability to operate it always surprising. Explanation,
"You just pull the levers until the coffee comes out!", altogether unhelpful. Asked which levers specifically, at which Mrs Payne says,
"The ones that make the coffee come out.".
Thought better of going into town so will wait for call from boss.
Friday, 22 June 2012
"Light up like a merry-go-round.", could see stripes when eyes closed! With some annoyance, most unreasonably blamed me for suggestion on paper. Further, chest of drawers having been removed, now had not a jot of space for clothes, fearfully inconvenient. Thinking better of defending this tirade, escaped by way of saying was going to start work.
Came down mid-morning for tea and found Mrs Payne altogether absent from lounge, presumed her quite enjoying her room, presently took tea upstairs. Found with much surprise Mrs Payne vigorously rollering paint, said decorating positively fearful, had found some spare paint in garage to use. Set tea on bed stand and quite left Mrs Payne to it, saying to herself in much annoyance,
"It still shows through!".
Checked at lunchtime and found Mrs Payne sat on bed, perspiring profusely and looking awfully red. Said with a gasp,
"Doesn't it... look lovely!". Surveyed room for some minutes, after which said ever so politely had a few points. Was she aware paint rather dripping down skirting boards? Might she see about wiping it off? Further, had noticed stripes still rather showing through. At this Mrs Payne said with much annoyance,
"It's had three coats!". Quite ignored this response, said finally,
"You do know it's the same colour it was originally?".
Finished work as other half came home, awfully excited to see mother's room. No sooner had come through door as other half queried with excitement,
"Is it nice?". Bound to say had not a word to say in response, merely stood open mouthed searching for the words. Finally managed a "Hmm!", as other half climbed stairs.
Followed slowly behind other half as she went to Mrs Payne's room, having only just recovered from feeling ever so ill earlier. As such had barely reached top of the stairs as other half's voice carried from bedroom,
"WHAT THE BALLY!".
Took deep breath as went into the room, to find other half open mouthed with equal measure of exasperation and fury. Mrs Payne rather not making situation better, as sat on bed wearing sunglasses reading magazine, said with pride,
"Doesn't it look lovely! I helped!".
Room altogether worse having received yellow paint on one wall. Quite unable to say which of two was worse, but combination quite frightful. Striped wallpaper ever so overbearing in relatively small room, with movement of head causing fearful feeling of motion. Other half closed eyes for moment before dashing out of room saying with dread as she went,
"I think I feel sick.".
Bound to say dinner last night rather quiet, as other half still furious as to decorating. Most displeased also, as other half rather blamed me. Mrs Payne received altogether no answer, as queried on several occasions,
"Is the light a bit stripy in here?".
Thursday, 21 June 2012
Checked on Mrs Payne's bedroom on way back from getting mid-morning tea, and bound to say progress quite astounding. Had stripped and papered two "feature" walls, and was making terribly good progress on third. Mrs Payne looked terribly excited, was carefully holding bucket of wallpaper paste on tiny stepladder. Seeing me, Mrs Payne exclaimed with delight,
"He doesn't use flour and water! Fancy! And I'm helping!". At this Mrs Payne lifted bucket off stepladder one or two inches so decorator could dip in paste brush, before Mrs Payne returned bucket to stepladder. Decorator turned to me, saying with quite some disdain,
"She asked if she could help.".
Looked upon room with quiet awe at the quite frightful result. Holding tea in hand, was rather concerned as to it souring the milk. Broad pink stripes made one feel rather like toffee in a brightly coloured wrapper, and having looked dazzling vertical stripes for some seconds, felt ever so queasy like was on a ship. Mrs Payne looked around also, saying it did look lovely, adding further,
"Wait until the yellow paint is up! It'll really set it off!".
Mrs Payne showed decorator paint and wallpaper, at which chap queried with hint of nausea as to what was going where. Following quite some moments of thought, Mrs Payne said with pleasure,
"Can I have half and half?".
Decorator and I stepped in rather quickly, said this possibly not wisest of choices, why did she not consider feature wall with wallpaper, and paint rest? Mrs Payne most displeased with alternative, after some awfully serious looking thought, said with renewed excitement,
"I say! I'd like three feature walls!".
Estimation of job ensued, and followed quite some discourse as to "only an idiot" would put wood chip on the wall, and could he have a cup of tea, was parched. Went back to work in much annoyance, as heard Mrs Payne exclaiming,
"Oh yes, super glue!".
Wednesday, 20 June 2012
Room altogether lacking in progress. Mrs Payne successfully scraped little chips of wood from wallpaper, leaving quite frightful mess around exterior of room, spotted wallpaper, and not a jot more progress. Begged her pardon, did she expect to be done by Christmas? This taken most badly, said with annoyance, had stuck wallpaper on too much. Thought this most amusing, queried was I not to use super glue? At this Mrs Payne looked me straight in the eye, exclaimed with annoyance,
Came down mid-morning for tea and found Mrs Payne sat on sofa reading newspaper, positively without a care. Queried as to progress on room and was told with utmost pleasure would be done shortly.
Having made tea, looked with optimism in biscuit barrel but found not a crumble remaining. Most displeased at this, said to Mrs Payne was all too much. This taken with much indignation, replied in annoyance,
"I barely touched them!".
"Wallpaper, fearful, biscuits, biscuits.".
Bound to say barely thing had been done. Chest of drawers had been moved into middle of room, although was aware of this already, from much oofing heard from office earlier. Behind drawers, Mrs Payne had begun peeling off existing wood chip wallpaper. Looking to have peeled off some few inches at the bottom of one piece, the work had evidently stopped. Further up wall some additional attempts had been made with scraper, now resting on floor with few snowflakes of wallpaper as evidence of work.
Coughing rather louder, Mrs Payne awoke, saying sleepily,
"Hello Robert. Haven't I made progress!". At this I looked around room in confusion, expecting some unnoticed work to become apparently, but not a jot was found. Said to Mrs Payne had rather lot left to do, did she not. Mrs Payne most displeased at this, said with some annoyance,
"Don't be fearful, I've done the lot! Doesn't it look lovely!", at which proceeded to get up from bed, and rubbing her eyes, looked around room, saying with dismay,
"Oh, it was a dream.".
Tuesday, 19 June 2012
Other half rather feigned interest at various colours, said was room not going to be rather bright? Perhaps should leave cream wallpaper as it was? This vigorously denied, was told room would look terribly jolly! Also said with excitement, had got quite excess of yellow paint, as large tub awfully good value, could paint whole house!
Having almost choked on toast, said was time for work.
"Oh, I say! That would look lovely!".
Explained on numerous occasions would certainly not be putting a bird bath, hanging basket, or bidet in her room. Seemed most disappointed.
Mrs Payne said 'wood chip' wallpaper quite frightful, would have to be painted. Declared this most ridiculous, wood chip height of fashion now, why did she not leave wallpaper as was? At this Mrs Payne staring into some distant part of shop said to herself,
"Yes! I need new wallpaper!".
At this Mrs Payne tottered off at full tilt. As I wearily caught up, found Mrs Payne carefully eyeing all kinds of wallpaper of quite horrifying pattern. Before had a second to complain Mrs Paye had put several rolls of wide striped pink paper into trolley, saying with pleasure,
"That's a start!".
Followed awful journey around shop, with me querying various items would perhaps need to afix wallpaper. Begged her pardon, but how was she intending to stick wallpaper to wall? Mrs Payne quite stopped at this, looked at me squarely, said I was a fearful idiot, was using flour and water!
Having picked up some wallpaper paste in any case, Mrs Payne continued her perusal. Happening on paint, Mrs Payne seeming altogether drawn to quite brightest of colours, and holding small tins in hand, was deciding between bright pink or sunshine yellow. Declared paint most unnecessary, had already got wallpaper! Wallpaper most acceptable, perhaps could leave it at that? This taken most badly by Mrs Payne, said wallpaper only for feature wall! This notion quite chilled me to the bone. Queried would pink wallpaper and paint not be rather too much? At this Mrs Payne gave some though, said with delight,
"Yellow it is! That would look lovely!".
Monday, 18 June 2012
Bound to say took quite some minutes before overcame what must attribute to paralysis of mind through fear, and said slowly this quite alright. Ventured, in horrified optimism, that changes altogether small, I hoped? Was told changes small, certainly. However worst fears realised, as having finished breakfast Mrs Payne said with excitement,
"Now! To find my hammer!".
"That jolly silly stool". Begged her pardon, but had it not been her that moved this from opposite side of room such that could rest her foot on it to minister various ointments, which, by the by, had noticed quite quantity of on fabric?
This query duly ignored, Mrs Payne continued with utmost vigour and had not a jot of silence to read Sunday newspaper. Received list of quite travesties to interior decorating ethos, and bedroom altogether unsuitable. Suggested perhaps Mrs Payne would prefer room at nursing home, had number quite safe should we need to call. Mrs Payne most displeased about this, said thought of spending more time with old people quite fearful. Said rather upset that was as if I didn't want her to stay! Laboured under duress of other half's stares, certainly wanted her to stay! Of course! Why wouldn't I! Spending time with old people? Dreadful.
Friday, 15 June 2012
Quite refused to pay for coffee, despite uncomfortable silence and Mrs Payne requesting her two pounds. Said I'd be hanged before paying for coffee I'd already paid for.
Coming down for lunch other half looked fearfully concerned, said working from home positively frightful, had got barely a jot done. Further, apparently owed Mrs Payne for coffee, was costing rather a lot! At this, Mrs Payne said would have to see about bill. Complained furiously at this, whilst Mrs Payne mouthed numbers to herself and calculated on back of envelope.
The best form of defence being attack, I stated rather firmly as Mrs Payne finished her calculations, could she see about returning my seventeen pounds? Positively furious, as Mrs Payne, reading out services rendered as a bank clerk,
"Coffee, seven of, two pounds each. Biscuits, twelve of, twenty five pence. Seven. Fourteen. Three. That makes seventeen pounds! I say, Robert, how much did you say I owed you?".
Too furious to reply.
Still awfully tired this morning as had worked again after dinner. Went to bed at frightful hour, but have finally caught up.
Mrs Payne again asked regards world web communicating with me. Said rather sharply this most ridiculous, could she please stop asking. This taken awfully badly, said was only trying to help. Had mentioned Robert the other day, so presumed wanted to pass on message. Further, world web had said something about Whitchurch, terribly curious, was it not?
Shook with annoyance, as asked Mrs Payne ever so calmly, what had the world web said, exactly? At this Mrs Payne stared into space, as one recalling some far distinct memory, and said as if channelling a spirit,
"Hello Bitty. Tell Robert not to worry about Whitchurch, it's been binned.".
Begged Mrs Payne's pardon, might she have told me about this earlier? This apparently most ridiculous, was sure world web talking quite nonsense. Further, what did "binned" mean?
Explained after some minutes of silence that Whitchurch was project I was working on, message was from boss, and "binned" meant had quite wasted furious day of work. Mrs Payne altogether surprised at this, exclaimed in awe,
"The world web knew all that! Fancy!".
Thursday, 14 June 2012
"By the by, do you know there's more marks..", had quite shut door in her face.
Worked solidly until lunchtime, at which sat in silent annoyance as Mrs Payne said with sorrow, was terribly sorry had lost work, had asked the world web on other half's computer, but didn't answer on where work was. Did I suppose the world web had stolen it?
Stalked back to work without reply, leaving Mrs Payne exclaiming to other half,
"I say! I think the world web is a scoundrel!".
"Only trying to get some world web.", adding further,
"I can pay! I have seventeen pounds!".
Explained in much annoyance that please could she not my computer, frightfully important items for project that did not want to lose. Further, that seventeen pounds mine, perhaps could see about returning it to me?
Conversation quickly changed, Mrs Payne said, by the by, the world web had communicated with her! Terribly exciting, as asked who was there, and had said it was Elisabeth Payne. Most curious, as had called her Bitty in reply! Said box of wires ever so clever, could she speak to the world web again? Replied quite distinctly not, and ejecting Mrs Payne from my office chair, said rather sharply not to invade my office again.
Further expelled Mrs Payne from office, and returned to computer to find work altogether having disappeared! No amount of searching count find it. Quite beside myself with fury as stalked out of office and shouted downstairs in much annoyance that Mrs Payne had deleted my work. Received prodigiously irritating reply,
"Why don't you ask the world web where it is?".
Quite ignoring this advice in silent annoyance, stalked back into office to start work again.
Wednesday, 13 June 2012
Was interrupted barely hour after breakfast with knock at office door, and opening it found Mrs Payne with serving trolley with cup of tea on it, and selection of biscuits on plate. As looked on in astonishment, Mrs Payne asked with much chirp,
"Tea lady! Would you like coffee and biscuits?".
Thought this most peculiar, queried how had she managed to get serving trolley upstairs? Mrs Payne explained this most easy, item altogether light. By the by, had I noticed some rather large marks on wallpaper previously?
Stood in silent fury at this as Mrs Payne prepared biscuits and handed me coffee mug and plate. Followed some uncomfortable silence, after which Mrs Payne said,
"That'll be two pound please.".
Begged Mrs Payne's pardon, what would be two pounds? At this Mrs Payne explained with much surprise,
"Oh, quite right! Two pound fifty, the biscuits are twenty five pence.".
Followed quite some discourse on why would not be paying for coffee and biscuits had bought myself, should jolly well be charging her! At this Mrs Payne most displeased, tried with quite some effort to pry plate from my fingers, with little success. In act of defiance, Mrs Payne picked up two biscuits on my plate, promptly devoured them whole. In response, grabbed handful of biscuits from tray, and before had chance for a word, promptly shut office door in Mrs Payne's face, hearing in annoyance,
"I DO wish he wouldn't do that.".
Was most surprised as walked into one or two shops quite expecting not a sign of Mrs Payne, asking as I did, had they seen rather portly lady of senior years? Was told they rather expected they had seen her. Had someone asking did they have any world web available, would require quick go, and would pay handsomely for it. Followed they said regretfully did not have any, at which portly lady promptly left, muttering as she did,
"Why do they call it the world web if no one has it!".
Eventually happened upon computer shop, and inside found Mrs Payne in much fluster, exclaiming they must have world web here with all these computer boxes. Shop assistant most patient, said was terribly sorry, was not available for customer use. She might try Internet cafe in town. Mrs Payne most annoyed at this, said did not want Internet, but world web! Might there be a world web cafe also?
Seeing me, assistant queried was this my mother? Had been in shop for quite some time asking for Internet access, said he would be paid well for it, had seventeen pounds! Explained was certainly NOT my mother, but rather unfortunate relation. By this point Mrs Payne altogether annoyed had left shop and having thanked assistant, left shop to find Mrs Payne questioning policeman,
"Can you give me directions to some world web?".
Tuesday, 12 June 2012
Had barely opened computer programs on laptop as Mrs Payne interrupted, said was terribly sorry, but had eaten cake already. Ever so small, might she see about getting something else? Replied with some annoyance, by all means, at which Mrs Payne explained by the by, had I any money? Was terribly silly, had left purse at home!
Watched for quite some minutes as Mrs Payne acquired a pastry and had lengthy conversation with proprietor. Made fearfully sure about extracting change from Mrs Payne, as had given her twenty pounds. Mrs Payne appeared most surprised at this, said it was barely worth her handing it back, had already put it in her bag! How much had I given her, ten pounds?
Bound to say deli rather nice for food, and further pleased as Mrs Payne said was terribly bored, she would go for walk, be back shortly. Said this a capital idea, by the by, had she retrieved my money from her bag as yet? Most annoyed as Mrs Payne bolted for door, saying rather quickly,
"Good-bye! Back shortly!".
"Must be a jolly big box of wires! Do they have a separate world web in France?", adding with some thought,
"Could we buy some world web, for home?".
Noticed last night in newspaper deli has opened around corner. Said at once looked altogether nice, other half and Mrs Payne could go there and work tomorrow, would be most jolly! Thought this ever so clever, as would no doubt get not a jot of work done as yesterday, however would leave me in peace. This suggestion vigorously declined by other half, said such an idea absolute nonsense, had piles of work to do, rather, why did I not take Mrs Payne? Was jolly nice, after all! Rather annoyed at this, however other half most insistent. Further annoyed as Mrs Payne asked with excitement,
"Can we take the world web with us?".
Monday, 11 June 2012
"A bit zappy".
Declared this absolute nonsense, plug positively fine, had merely to put it in wall. As such spent quite some time connecting items for other half whilst she made us tea. Had all perfectly working and set about going to office myself. Had barely sat down when heard call from other half, by the by, Internet would not work, could I help?
Finally got back to work just before lunch, and had barely half hour before was back down for lunch. Found Mrs Payne at computer whilst other half looking over some notes. Mrs Payne exclaimed with pleasure,
"I'm using the world web, Robert! I'm a silver skier!".
Begged her pardon, but was she not "surfing"? Mrs Payne most confused at this, asked why would one surf a web? Further, she couldn't swim.
Had breakfast rather promptly this morning, and stole upstairs to office leaving other half battling with various cables for laptop computer and printer and such. Mrs Payne looked on with interest, exclaiming as I went upstairs,
"Fearfully easy, Robert! Before you go, do you have any pliers?".
Friday, 8 June 2012
"Oh, it's you.".
Set about getting tea as quickly as possible, however was set up by Horseface and Mrs Uptight on way back to office. Bound to say received quite hen pecking, with each participant in tea party saying,
"Oh, do stay! We insist!". Thought this rather uncomfortable, but no amount of reasoning as to having work prevailed, as such spent positively ghastly hour as part of the "jolly foursome".
Sat quietly, sipping tea, whilst Mrs Payne, Horseface and Mrs Uptight exchanged altogether sarcastic remarks and most worrisome stares. Was certain to be turned into stone at any moment. Each had their own particular favourite, with Mrs Payne saying she did hope Horseface's dogs were quite alright, was she sure it wasn't her own cakes they ate? At this, Horseface said ever so politely, yes, was quite sure, perhaps they were rotten, was rather hard to tell, but sure they were delicious! Mrs Uptight remarked was most surprised to find cake in garden this morning, looked rather like Horseface's, most strange! Following this party returned to silence, with each stone-faced with fury.
Thought this charade altogether rough, and said would be returning to work now. At this Horseface grabbed my arm rather firmly, said most seriously,
"Oh. Do stay. We. Insist!".
Mrs Payne gave sickly sweet smile at this, picked up plate of cakes, said would we like one? Picked one myself, in sheer terror, and having set it on a little plate, looked at it solemnly. Seeing this, Mrs Payne exclaimed in some annoyance,
"I say, Robert! Are you eating that cake or shall we frame it!".
Returning to awful sweetness, Mrs Payne asked if Horseface would like a cake. Looked positively furious as Horseface said no, was terribly kind, but rarely ate cake. Struggling to hold her calm, Mrs Payne said rather slowly, that was sure this a silly thing, had eaten plenty yesterday. Surely a little one would do no harm? Horseface's steady refusal caused much annoyance as Mrs Payne said through gritted teeth,
"No really, I...", and loosing the cake from her hand, Mrs Payne pelted a cup cake at Horseface, hitting her dress and causing quite some debris of crumbs with the cake landing in her lap. Seeing what she had done, Mrs Payne gasped, said rather quietly,
Followed quite some harrowing exchange, with Horseface first say,
"Why, don't, you, have it!", at which she threw cake at Mrs Payne. In reply the cake was returned, with Mrs Payne saying,
"No, I, insist!".
After quite some rounds, Mrs Uptight, having been sat in silent shock like myself, stood up, said was terribly nice to invite her, must be going! At this, quite rushed towards front door to let herself out, at which Mrs Payne shouted in annoyance,
"Where do you think you're going?", and loosed another cup cake, hitting Mrs Uptight rather firmly in the back of the head. This caused quite a quiver from Mrs Uptight, who finally opened the door, and left promptly, saying with distress as she exited,
"Oh! I say! Oh! Savages!".
The door soon slammed, and Horseface, Mrs Payne and I sat in silence for some moments. Received sickening shock as Horseface and Mrs Payne burst out laughing, and after several minutes of tearful giggling, both said were terribly sorry, was most awful of them. Both relapsed into frightful laughter, echoing,
Awoke this morning with Mrs Payne baking again. This altogether too much, said if was any more flour on floor would barely see the tiles. Mrs Payne responded this positive nonsense, as bag of flour promptly fell over, tipping flour off table onto my slippers. Mrs Payne thought this most amusing, said did I want sugar and egg also, would make slipper quite edible if baked.
Mrs Payne evidently still reeling from encounter with Horseface last night. Said was terribly annoyed at having invited Horseface and Mrs Uptight at all, would sooner never set eyes on Horseface again. Had invited them prior to disagreement regards her cakes. Explained, as mixture slopping over side of bowl whilst stirring, had in any case put not a jot more butter than absolutely necessary. Was sure cakes most sub-par, and, hoped,
"She jolly well chokes on them!".
Will surely lock myself in office until ambulance arrives.
Thursday, 7 June 2012
"These are for you.".
Investigated the package, while Mrs Payne set about lunch for herself. Found inside two perfectly formed cup cakes, looking most delicious and with variety of decorations. Said these terribly nice, were they from Horseface? Received altogether unhelpful response as Mrs Payne poured tea,
Sat for quite some moments in silence, as was evidently in danger of stoking the fire, however curiosity ultimately supreme, queried as to whether Mrs Payne's cakes had gone down well?
Followed a story from Mrs Payne, most viciously told, that cakes had been presented to Horseface in terribly nice manner, as trying to help tea party run smoothly. This apparently taken rather badly by Horseface, positively cut the cakes, leaving them in kitchen. Some time later Mrs Payne saw to retrieve cakes, only to find had been positively scoffed by Horseface's dogs! At this Mrs Payne said was quite obviously on purpose, jolly well served Horseface right that dogs rather sick. As party ended rather abruptly, Horseface insisted she returned with cakes, Mrs Payne saying had good mind to throw them in her face.
This story altogether harrowing, and as it unfolded began nibbling one of the cakes provided. Said by the by was most delicious. This taken altogether badly by Mrs Payne, positively shook as she exclaimed loudly,
"FILTH!", at which quite snatched cake from my jaws, and opening kitchen window, positively hurled it outside, as I looked on in astonishment as cake disappeared over next door's fence.
After several calming minutes, Mrs Payne apologised for this profusely, said it wasn't my fault Horseface ever so rude. Replied not to worry, as set about retrieving other cake from bag. At this Mrs Payne explained rather calmly,
"Oh no, Robert, that's for your wife.".
Asked Mrs Payne would she require driving to boss and Horseface's home, with response with some aggravation that Horseface had invited Mrs Uptight, as such she would be driving. Said was jolly good had not been involved in argument on Jubilee day regards lawn. Mrs Payne went rather pale at this, asked should she take reconciliatory cake around first? Heart quite jumped at this, said awfully quickly perhaps not, really, perhaps best leave them for later. Yes, later. Certainly.
Most odd as was told tea party was this morning at 11 o'clock. Exclaimed to Mrs Payne could certainly not be called tea, but rather, was elevenses. Mrs Payne most confused about this. Asked rather slowly,
"Eleven of what?".
Decided it was time for work.
Wednesday, 6 June 2012
Came down for lunch and found Mrs Payne in kitchen positively covered in flour again, and making cakes. Begged her pardon, but had eaten quite enough cakes earlier in week, why was she making more? This duly explained as was sure Horseface trying her best, but would not want her to fall short, so would take some cakes along to tea tomorrow, "just in case". Suggested this altogether unnecessary, and was sure Horseface most annoyed at this, knew she was fearfully competitive. This declared positive nonsense by Mrs Payne, her success undeniable, was sure Horseface appreciative.
Having cleared flour from small area of table, had lunch as Mrs Payne continued baking. Most surprised as Mrs Payne continued fearful strategy of adding extra butter. Early batches quite revolting. Further, suggested rather seriously should stop baking, as Mrs Payne pondered out loud,
"Should I take twenty four, or thirty?".
Before had event sat at breakfast table this morning, Mrs Payne exclaimed with pride,
"What a jolly ACHOO! day. To think we ACHOO! had so many people! Did you ACHOO! see Uptight's ACHOO! face?".
Mrs Payne most pleased also, as has sparked quite tea party frenzy amongst friends, with Horseface having organised tomorrow's. Said would be terribly nice, but was sure not to be quite level of jollity had for Jubilee. Went on to say had told Horseface was "terribly nice of her to try her best". Sure Horseface positively furious at this!
Tuesday, 5 June 2012
Watching Mrs Payne disappear, we noticed under our umbrellas drizzle had largely stopped, leaving only grey sky above and some darkness. Wiping chairs we all sat, as other half went off to make tea.
Mrs Payne returned some time later, looking altogether warm but with fierce determination. Said at once,
"I am enjoying the party!", and helped herself to tea.
Bound to say had rather some admiration for Mrs Payne, as still not a guest in sight. Ventured to Mrs Payne with optimism,
"I say, Mrs Payne, 'build it, and they will come!', Field of Dreams!".
At this Mrs Payne looked most confused, looked at us with positive mystification, as Horseface tried to explain,
"Build it, and they will come! Kevin Costner!".
Finishing her cake, Mrs Payne queried carefully,
"Is Kevin Costner coming?".
Before had a jot of time for more painful explanation, boss said with surprise,
"I say Bitty, look behind you!". Doing so, we saw rather young family carefully lifting table out into street. Mrs Payne smiled with delight at this, turned to us with pride,
"That'll be Kevin!".
Having barely any rest, Mrs Payne got up from table to greet the family. Were decided not the Costners, but all the same, most welcome. Bound to say husband possibly burliest chap had ever seen, with wife quite tiny. Thought him positively fearful at distance, but was awfully nice chap and offered him tea and cake. His wife said had made some sandwiches, and would be bringing them out presently. Their children joined also, instantly attracted to Mrs Payne, giving them each a flag.
Seeing the activity, two more families looked out from doorways, and with application of cakes for all and flags for children, Mrs Payne duly grew her little party to four tables, with other families bringing food and chairs. Throughout this Mrs Payne worked tirelessly whilst other half, boss, Horseface and I watched on with pride. Saw once or twice Uptight looking out of window and not ashamed to say gave him rather amused wave. Looked awfully displeased about this and stole away from window immediately.
Most surprised some time later as heard awfully loud music blaring out of what turned out to be our home. Looked over to see Mrs Payne having opened lounge window, and with previous method of antagonising Uptights, propped speaker on window. Seeing us Mrs Payne gave wave and terribly large smile. Several people gestured rather, with Mrs Payne altogether confused. Decided to pass on message in person, and going to window shouted over music to Mrs Payne,
"THEY SAY HAVE YOU GOT ANYTHING OTHER THAN CHRISTMAS MUSIC?".
Music having been changed, Mrs Payne and I left house, and most shocked as were positively accosted by Professor Uptight. Bound to say both of us rather shrank as Uptight most aggressively provided rant at quite frantic pace and volume, with Mrs Payne becoming most upset. Heart pounded as I steeled myself to give him some rather sharp words myself, however before had opened mouth burly chap appeared from nowhere, looked at Uptight directly, said did he mind, we were celebrating Jubilee! At this Mrs Payne fearlessly shook her flag, and as Uptight retreated without another word said, Mrs Payne explained quietly to chap,
"Uptight is a fearful snob.".
Burly chap thought this nickname positively hilarious, shouted after the Professor,
"Oi! Uptight! Ya snob!".
Uptight stopped momentarily, visibly shook with rage, and without looking around continued to stalk into house. Mrs Payne said chap was terribly kind, might we get back to party?
"I'm sure we'll get some people soon.".
Decided had better go out and see Mrs Payne, upon which realised had in fact started drizzling lightly. Mrs Payne remained unmoved, waving her flag and with look of fearless resolve. Begged her pardon, but had she noticed was raining? Received awfully sharp response, and with each word she viciously waved her flag,
"I'm! Enjoying! The! Party!".
Seeing this, other half, boss and Horseface came out of house, and holding umbrella, boss asked Mrs Payne perhaps she would like to come inside, with enticement of having cakes. Mrs Payne most sharp at this, pointed to two remaining soggy cakes on table, said with some annoyance,
"I have cakes! CAN'T THEY SEE WE'VE GOT CAKES!".
Following several moments of silence, all looked around in shock to hear Professor Uptight shouting from front door,
"I say! What the devil! What have you done to my lawn?! I'm glad your party is a wash out, good riddance to you AND the Queen!". Before had a second to respond, Uptight slammed front door, causing knocker to bounce several times, and we were once more in silence.
Other half put hand on her mother's shoulder, said with some feeling,
"I think it's time to go in."
Mrs Payne shook with annoyance, said slowly and with regal firmness,
"Robert, would you get my Sunday hat and a dozen cakes?".
Will continue later.
Monday, 4 June 2012
Thinking it altogether wiser if we made cakes, other half suggested we would take over cake making whilst Mrs Payne prepared other items. This duly accepted, Mrs Payne shook quantity of flour from dress, said not to forget the extra butter, and said she was going to put out table.
Decided against helping Mrs Payne with table, perhaps not wisest of choice. In free moment between cake batches, looked out from lounge window to find table in middle of road, with Mrs Payne arranging mass of union jacked adorned items. Seeing path on which table arrived there, noticed awful mess of Uptights' lawn, where table legs had left deep grooves of soil through grass where Mrs Payne had evidently dragged table legs. Was sure Uptight would be positively livid at this, waved with amusement at Mrs Payne, who responded with smile and wave of little union jack.
Returned some time later to window to find not a soul having joined Mrs Payne, now sat at table, dutifully waving her flag to keep up spirit whilst in centre of table proudly sat five cup cakes, and one screwed up cake case. In meantime, other half and I most pleased as had made positively 50 cakes, with rather little attrition due to "taste tests". Suggested we forge on to create more, as thought of joining Mrs Payne quite frightful.
Heard knock at front door some time later, and most pleased to see boss and Horseface having arrived. Had brought with them quantity of bunting from cricket club, was likely enough to cover the whole area.
Bound to say boss rather displeased, said was I aware Mrs Payne's table rather in way of road, almost drove into her. Had wound down his window to say as much, to which Mrs Payne greeted him in most jolly mood, gave him a cup cake, explaining it was her last, and rather sternly said would he mind moving his automobile out of the way of the party?
At this Mrs Payne came in, said had we made any more cakes, was not a crumb left. Queried as to where cakes had gone, as not a solitary person had joined party, other than boss. This explained by Mrs Payne with much annoyance,
"I ate them!".
Mrs Payne returned to table, placing six new cup cakes in centre of table, and regained her flag waving. Other half, boss, Horseface and I looked on with disappointment. Boss explained had driven past number of parties, looking most jolly by this time, and yet had not a person ourselves. Horesface asked other half rather quietly, would Elisabeth be disappointed?
Looked upon cup cakes, all rather wonky, but possibly edible at the least. Declared them positive triumph, however might perhaps need more than six? At this Mrs Payne explained in much annoyance was not an idiot, had made eight, however had eaten two during tea break.
Gave one cake something of a poke, and found it altogether stodgy, finger leaving round indentation. Mrs Payne most annoyed about this, said did I mind. Further criticism as to cake's stodginess most unwelcome, said had put extra butter in, "for taste". Replied may as well take block of butter and stick icing on the top, might she follow the recipe for the rest? At this Mrs Payne gave some thought to butter with icing on top, then with much aggravation called me a fearful idiot. Said I was going back to bed. Mrs Payne cared not a jot for this, having ended her tea break, said brightly,
"Right, more cakes! Where's the butter?".
Sunday, 3 June 2012
Friday, 1 June 2012
Most annoyed whilst delivering, as had quite trail of recipients meandering after me with complaint of mistakes and asking most ridiculous questions regards organisation. Said I had not a clue, and should telephone, per flyer, if interested.
Thought it most amusing once home to realise had put flyer through Uptights' door also. Bound to say delivery quite mindless as focused on task. Wondered what they would do about it.
Found Mrs Payne sat by telephone with look of utmost focus on receiver. Asked had she received any calls, to which said with disappointment had not! At just such moment, telephone rang, which Mrs Payne answered in an instant. Waited with anticipation as Mrs Payne provided several minutes of abrupt answers,
"Yes.. Yes.. Five.. No..". After this, Mrs Payne said excitedly,
"Will you be coming to our Jubilee Party?".
Followed some moments of murmured agreement, at which Mrs Payne exclaimed, "Namaste!" and replaced the receiver.
After some curious moments, bound to say had to ask Mrs Payne who did she speak to. At this received nonchalant reply that was terribly nice chap from India! Was altogether unavailable for party, however. Focusing again on telephone, Mrs Payne said with pleasure,
"I DO like telephone surveys!".
"Must be a thousand!". Looked at her remaining pile, and quick inspection revealed quite majority still remained. Asked where she had been, and was told with pride number 15! This struck me rather disappointing. We live at number 6.
Mrs Payne said would I be so good as to see about some tea and sandwich? Was terribly hungry, and had barely packed a jot for the morning expedition. At this Mrs Payne picked up nearby biscuit barrel and began shoving it in her bag. Looked over with quite disbelief, at which Mrs Payne seeing my confusion, said brightly,
Sandwich having been provided Mrs Payne appeared much improved. Sat in silent fury as Mrs Payne said rather gravely once finished, had some terrible news, would I believe a young hooligan had mugged her, and had off with my flask! Shaking her head, she added, had fought him bitterly for it, was terribly brave, as knew it was mine, but was eventually overpowered, and he got away. Terrible shame. Still, wouldn't ring the police, probably miles away by now. By the by, were no witnesses.