Saturday, 28 July 2012

Thank You

Today the Diary has reached 200 days and 400 posts of publication.  I couldn't do this without the support of my loyal readers, particularly, Jennifer, Susan and Annie.

Thank you all for your gracious readership.

Friday, 27 July 2012

Day 200 - lunch

Said not a word of "Como" this morning. Mrs Payne altogether quiet however. Other half said she had rather sore head.

Received telephone call from boss mid-morning. Said was terribly good news, had heard from Horseface, had managed to book same holiday in Madeira, hoped this alright. Said it positively delightful, would have quite jolly time!

Putting down phone quite jumped as Mrs Payne appeared silently behind me, saying with annoyance,
"So?". Replied it was terribly good news, boss and Horseface joining us on holiday!

Followed some conversation as to not possibly being true, was quite taking her for fool! Said most earnestly was absolutely true, even flights the same. At this Mrs Payne silent for some moments, after which said with dejection.
"I'll unpack the frying pan.".

[Author's note: the Diary will had a short sabbatical for a couple of weeks whilst I travel myself. Como!]

Day 200

Mrs Payne awfully unkind last night with boss and Horseface for dinner. All terribly excited regards holiday. Boss said it was rather nice location, were sure to have a good time. Positively delightful weather this time of year. Other half mentioned getting deal, to which Horseface most excited, said could perhaps look into it herself!

Throughout this Mrs Payne provided most negative comments. Said were sure to have fearfully bad time. Weather positively dire. Also thought it rather expensive. By the by, did Horseface know could not open windows on aeroplane?

This tirade politely ignored by boss and Horseface, continued their glowing appraisal of the place.

Having finished dinner, adjourned to lounge for sherry. Boss queried as to whether we knew any Portuguese. At this other half, in much excitement regards holiday, and further, glass of sherry, exclaimed in delight her mother knew Portuguese! At this Mrs Payne shifted rather on sofa, before had time to say otherwise boss had broken out into quite torrent of Portuguese, to which understood not a jot. Boss spoke several sentences, each answered by Mrs Payne with,
"Como?". Boss looked increasingly confused during this, while other half and Horseface positively delighted with the conversation, presumed quite dazzling in its linguistics!

Mrs Payne presently excused herself, after which other half and Horseface said Mrs Payne terribly impressed, to think she knew Portuguese! At this boss rather confused, said had not a jot of conversation, exclaiming in hushed tones,
"I say! Bitty didn't understand a thing! Only 'Sorry?' in reply! Sorry to say it, Bitty doesn't know a jot of Portuguese that I heard!".

Returning some time later Mrs Payne said with a yawn was terribly tired, shall go to bed. Goodnight! At this other half said by way of reply,
"Como!". Mrs Payne most confused at this, said reluctantly,
"Como..", in response. Followed quite barrage of bedtime wishes to Mrs Payne,
"Como!", "Como!", "Como!".

Mrs Payne having gone upstairs, quite frenzy of muted tittering persisted. All positively thrilled to the core, set about having a little sherry, tittering rather, and saying quietly,
"Como!", setting off the cycle again.

After quite some time Mrs Payne shouted downstairs in somewhat annoyance,
"I can hear you! Would you please be quiet!". At this sober silence fell over group, after which other half squealed rather, and in childish exuberance, said loudly, as all quite fell about with laughter,
"COMO!".

Thursday, 26 July 2012

Day 199 - lunch

Other half altogether excited yesterday about Horseface having been to Madeira. Said could provide all kinds of insight into where to go and what to see. Could invite them for dinner today! Said this terribly good idea, was sure boss knew some Portuguese too. Mrs Payne positively furious at this development. Said SHE knew Portuguese and had not a jot of interest in what Horseface would say!

Dinner presently arranged, other half said would be terribly jolly if they could come along too! Had seen in town deal still available, would be like double-dating! At this Mrs Payne positively furious, said loudly,
"WHAT ABOUT ME?!". Quite stalked out of the room as other half in fearfully mischievous mood said nonchalantly,
"You can carry the bags.".

Day 199

Went into town yesterday afternoon to see about new suitcase. Old one frightfully worn. Mrs Payne came along also to see about some new "smalls".

Inevitably saw Horseface, waving from some distance and mouthing in delight,
"Cooee!".

Coming close Horseface started talking before had even stopped, saying with curiosity,
"I say, very nice suitcase! Going on your hols?". Before had time to open my mouth Mrs Payne exclaimed in utmost seriousness,
"Oh no! He got it to store magazines.". Horseface and I looked equally confused at this. I said with some annoyance,
"Yes, we're going on holiday to", and before had time to finish sentence, Mrs Payne interrupted again with,
"Margate!".

Quite furious at this, changed subject entirely, queried would we be having coffee? We would.

Picked moment ever so carefully, with Mrs Payne consuming quite profound forkful of cake, at which said to Horseface quickly,
"We're going on holiday to Madeira!". Horseface altogether interested in this, said had been there themselves, awfully nice place. Did we speak Portuguese? At this Mrs Payne positively furious, said sharply,
"Sim", promptly changed subject. Was terribly nice weather for this time of year, was it not?

Dragged suitcase back to car some time later, Mrs Payne saying in much annoyance should not have told Horseface about holiday, was certain to muscle-in on it. Are certain people one does not want to go on holiday with. Said I quite agreed!

Wednesday, 25 July 2012

Day 198 - lunch

Came downstairs for mid-morning tea to find Mrs Payne stood in centre of lounge, listening to fear of flying CD. Eyes closed and arms outstretched, Mrs Payne slowly moved arms like wings, repeating at quite some volume,
"I soar! Like a bird! I soar!".

Carefully interrupted Mrs Payne by way of shouting rather to overcome headphones. Mrs Payne altogether startled, said dreamily,
"I've been flying, Robert!". Said this very good, where had she flown to? Mrs Payne terribly excited, replied,
"Space!".

Mrs Payne altogether pleased about CD whilst making tea. Said was fearfully powerful hypnosis, did not fear flying in metal beast a jot! Was terribly excited about it, might she have the window seat? Replied could certainly have window seat. Mrs Payne most pleased with this, said would be terribly jolly. Putting on her headphones for another "flight", Mrs Payne queried,
"On the aeroplane, if I open the window a crack, is it windy?".

Day 198

Other half ever so excited coming home last night. Said had just the ticket for mother. Mrs Payne most excited at this, said with excitement hoped it was train ticket! Other half altogether confused at this, rummaging in back pulled out CD, titled in calming blue lettering,
'FLY WITHOUT FEAR'.

Mrs Payne most displeased with this, said with some annoyance,
"It's not flying without fear I want! It's flying without crashing!". Replied the pilot had that CD.

Bound to say other half worked tirelessly over dinner regards convincing mother to give CD a try. Eventually Mrs Payne conceded, saying whilst looking in concern at the CD,
"I'm going to walk off that plane dead, you mark my words!".

Tuesday, 24 July 2012

Day 197 - lunch

At breakfast, Mrs Payne positively refused to be convinced regards going on holiday. Other half commented would have quite jolliest of times, would we not! Mrs Payne replied would have not a jot of fun in coffin! Said I thought economy travel altogether poor, however were not in boxes, had seat and such! This quite ignored.

Came downstairs for mid-morning tea to find Mrs Payne on telephone sounding altogether furious. Set about making tea as heard Mrs Payne repeating,
"MADEIRA. No, MADEIRA!".

Mrs Payne quite shook her head in annoyance as brought her tea, bellowed directly at me in response to telephone call,
"NO, NOT MAIDA VALE! MADEIRA!".

Putting down telephone in quite frenzied annoyance, Mrs Payne said with exasperation,
"Do you know, you can't get a train to Madeira!". Replied I rather thought not, is an island. At this Mrs Payne most annoyed, said with contempt,
"We're an island, and I can get to Blackpool!".

Said I was going back to work as Mrs Payne looked through yellow pages, shouting after me,
"I say, Robert, what's the name of that cab company we use?".

Day 197

Mrs Payne ever so excited regarding holiday. Sat at dinner in quite some frenzy, queried had we packed? Was mere days away and terribly exciting! Had not been on a ship for positively decades!

Looked at Mrs Payne in much bafflement, begged her pardon, was there boat trips? At this Mrs Payne awfully amused, said I was a fearful idiot, how else might we get there? Other half looked altogether nervous as I explained would be flying. Mrs Payne altogether taken back, said after some moments silence,
"I say, are they safe?".

Took quite some pains to explain air travel altogether safe, are more likely to have accident driving car than flying! At this Mrs Payne looked most nervous, exclaimed ominously,
"But I don't drive.", adding with horror, "Oh, dear Lord, I'm done for!".

Monday, 23 July 2012

Day 196 - lunch

Most surprised at lunchtime to find Mrs Payne still in dressing gown. Queried had I to call the Board regards hot water? Mrs Payne most displeased at this, said had packed all her clothes, had not a jot to wear! By the by, would I bring her suitcase downstairs?

Back hurts fearfully. Heaved Mrs Payne's suitcase downstairs, quite prodigious in weight. Complained bitterly at this. Said was sure did not need half items in its innards. Mrs Payne most defensive, said had packed only the barest of essentials. Had not even taken the lampshade for the bedside lamp!

Opened case with much annoyance to inventory said essentials. Mrs Payne positively furious at this, said did not want to see her "smalls". Looked upon case to see bedside lamp, bulb carefully nestling in quite largest brassiere had ever seen. Begged her pardon, "smalls" most inapt description, also, was it necessary to take two dozen back-copies of Prima? Ever so heavy. By the by, would need toaster for lunch, might we remove it? Mrs Payne much agitated at this, said with fury,
"You can remove the toaster, but I'm taking the frying pan!".

Day 196

Went into town at weekend for shopping. Most surprised to see quite excellent deals at travel shop, booked a holiday for next week!

Other half most insistent at taking mother, so arranged somewhere suitable. Settled on Madeira, paying for tickets and hotel for three. Holiday for two weeks also!

Returned home to tell Mrs Payne, other half and I ever so excited. Mrs Payne rather pleased also, said we would be like three peas in a pod! Replied I hoped was a pea and not gooseberry. This quite ignored.

Made tea, as Mrs Payne said she would pack immediately. Some time later, shouting downstairs Mrs Payne queried,
"Do you think we need to take beans?".

Friday, 20 July 2012

Day 195 - lunch

Said not a jot about Mrs Payne's birthday this morning, although she was in most jolly mood.

Most surprised at mid-morning tea to come down to find Mrs Payne enjoying several sausage rolls. Querying this, Mrs Payne said with amusement,
"I hadn't finished them off at all! Fancy!".
Replied Mrs Payne quite terrible! Had not a jot to do with the affair myself, by the by. Mrs Payne said rather thought she was quite terrible. Would teach us a lesson. Would I like a sausage roll?

Eating sausage roll, said evening terribly amusing in retrospect. To see Horseface when accidentally shoved umbrella in her face! Looked furious! At this Mrs Payne looked altogether confused, said curiously,
"Accidentally?".

Day 195

Bound to say Mrs Payne's birthday party quite fearful last night. Mrs Payne most insistent earlier in week regards not celebrating her birthday, suggestion to other half was much better to avoid thing entirely, positively ignored.

Had light dinner, and had left back door unlocked such that Horseface and boss could sneak in, bring the birthday cake. As such, listening rather carefully heard small noise from kitchen to indicate their arrival. Made conversation by way of hiding the noise, as Mrs Payne frowned rather, begged by pardon, would be back in a moment. At this, before had moment to react Mrs Payne had gathered her umbrella from coat stand, burst into kitchen, saying with usual volume,
"THIEVING BOUNDERS!", at which opened her umbrella directly into Horseface's face. Immediately apologising, Mrs Payne struggled rather to retract umbrella, pushing fabric rather more at Horseface, cornered against table, saying somewhat muffled,
"I say! What the devil!".

Some moments later umbrella retracted, revealing furious Umbrellaface, red with annoyance, shaking rather as she asked politely,
"I say, Bitty, do you always open umbrellas on your guests?".
Mrs Payne very apologetic, had not expected her!

Followed explanation from other half that had invited Horseface and boss "for cake". Mrs Payne most displeased at this, said with emphasis,
"Why?".
Other half replied with some fluster, no reason, we all like cake, don't we! Have some little sausage rolls too, terribly jolly!
At this was most uncomfortable, explained as Mrs Payne stood in silence, by the by, had not a crumb of sausage rolls. Had all been eaten!

Sat in dining room with fearful buffet, consisting dry crackers and a few lumps of jam. Other half most annoyed, queried as to why I hadn't told her about sausage rolls. Explained this quite slipped my mind, was certainly not me that had eaten them! All ate their crackers in silence, most relieved when time came for cake.

Other half asked rather unwisely, would mother like to cut her cake? At this Mrs Payne said rather sharply,
"Oh, is it MY cake? I hadn't realised.". As such set about cutting thinnest slivers of cake had ever seen, surely single atom thick. Distributing four plates, profoundly two dimensional in cake content, Mrs Payne proceeded to cut quite sixth of cake for herself.

All looked with disappointment at their cake, save Mrs Payne, tucked in with quite enormous forkfuls. Ate mine rather carefully, cutting into squares and lifting on back of fork to mouth. On several occasions was so light quite blew off the fork on moving. Successful mouthfuls rather like sugary wafer, dissolving instantly.

Cake having been finished, all sat in uncomfortable silence as Mrs Payne continued eating her cake. Half way through, Mrs Payne surveyed the table, saying innocently,
"Finished already, I say!". At this other half said with disappointment, had given us rather small pieces. Mrs Payne positively put her fork down at this, said with not a hint of amusement to the table,
"I'm terribly sorry, I thought I heard it was MY cake. If it was OUR cake I would surely have cut it more evenly.". Quite barrage of reply ensued, all said had certainly heard 'our', was terrible echo in room! Quite certain it was 'our'!
At this Mrs Payne smiled rather, handing cake slice to daughter said most regally,
"Let them eat cake.".

And we did. Saying not a jot more about birthdays.

Thursday, 19 July 2012

Day 194 - lunch

Made not a mention of Mrs Payne's birthday this morning. Most annoyed as Mrs Payne and other half talked at length about sausage rolls, ever so delicious. Was told altogether seriously that were not available for lunch, mind, were saving them for later. Thought boss and Horseface might pop around! Mrs Payne seemed altogether oblivious to this, said again sausage rolls delicious, was not sure she could stop herself!

Came down for lunch to find Mrs Payne at kitchen table, looking quite shameful, with empty box and not a crumb of sausage rolls remaining. Queried as to Mrs Payne having eaten sausage rolls, to which received much annoyed response that should not have left them out!

Had toast and made tea whilst Mrs Payne looked wistfully at empty box. Said was terrible shame there were none left. Poured tea for Mrs Payne, said at least had half of them left, stopping short of them being for later.

Taking her tea, Mrs Payne sighed rather, said she was going to do crossword in lounge, adding at kitchen door,
"By the by, I ate the other box at elevenses.".

Day 194

Another positively fearful night. Other half brought home ingredients to make sausage rolls for Mrs Payne's party. Said this quite ridiculous, did not want a party in any case! Other half most insistent, so stole down to kitchen past midnight again to make dreadful items.

Bound to say operation much smoother as other half gave various instructions by way of mime again. Sure to be quite brilliant at charades for Christmas. Two dozen little sausage rolls quickly dispatched to oven, other half and I sat in silence waiting desperately for them to cook so could go to bed.

Awoke from doze with a start as heard quite some noise from outside and positively had heart attack as Mrs Payne burst into kitchen armed with umbrella, opening it by way of automatic spring and shouting from behind it,
"I'M READY, YOU BOUNDERS!".

Other half and I said wearily was certainly nothing wrong, please could she put down umbrella, was surely animal in garden. Doing so Mrs Payne said with surprise,
"What are you doing up at this time again?", as looked with much curiosity directly into oven.
Most distracted, other half and I said in quite incredible unison,
"Thought I'd get a sausage roll.".

Thankfully this completely ignored, as handing me umbrella, Mrs Payne said altogether seriously,
"You better take a look.".
Had barely a moment to exclaim had only early thought earlier me not helping a jot when was shoved into dark armed only with an umbrella and fearfully small torch. By way of helping, Mrs Payne exclaimed out of door,
"I've sent someone out! Don't hurt him too much!".

Stalked around garden in dark whilst heard Mrs Payne at kitchen door querying to daughter,
"I say, are those sausage rolls done?", and following some discussion, Mrs Payne said with disinterest,
"Keep up the good work, Robert!", promptly shut door.

Fumbled around in dark for some time, finding not a jot of disturbance. Returned to house some time later to find Mrs Payne and other half eating sausage rolls. Mrs Payne queried with excitement,
"Didn't find anything then?".

Wednesday, 18 July 2012

Day 193 - lunch

Half asleep mid-morning, with Mrs Payne in quite jolliest of moods as I made tea. Said cocoa quite delicious at that time of night, might see about it regularly! Knowing more birthday cooking was planned tonight, said this most unwise was fearfully bad for digestion. Mrs Payne altogether unconvinced on this, however luckily changed subject.

Had quite some discussion on burglars in house. Said this most unlikely, Mrs Payne had no need to worry. At this Mrs Payne said had read in newspaper "some fearful bounder" had broken into old lady's home, quite robbed her while she slept. Steeling herself rather, said had better protect herself, rolled-up Prima would only go so far. Replied this quite nonsense, need only to cry out and I would be there to help. Mrs Payne most taken back by this, said incredulously,
"I say, Robert, I don't think you'll help a jot!".

Thought this decided rough. Mrs Payne tottered off to arm herself.

Day 193

Fearfully tired this morning as up terribly late last night making another cake. Other half most annoyed morning cake turned into pancake yesterday morning, altogether blamed me, said I was making awful racket. Thought this decided rough.

All went to bed, and after midnight other half and I stole downstairs. Cake making altogether quiet operation. Other half provided instruction by way of pointing and mime of task. Bound to say baking-by-charades awfully slow, other half quite gave up on number of occasions, did it herself. Mimed much annoyance at not getting it by way of silently slapping forehead and looking up to God.

All but fell asleep as cake cooked, both leaning heavily on table with eyes almost closed. Was all but two o'clock when finished. Cake having been carefully hidden away to both cool and remain out of sight, received awful fright as heard steps on stairs and shortly Mrs Payne burst through door holding rolled up copy of Prima, exclaiming loudly,
"I've got a weapon, you bounders!".

Other half and I wearily said what was going on, at which Mrs Payne said with relief,
"Oh, I say! I thought you were burglars! What are you doing up at this time?".
Alibi already having been prescribed, both said in incredible unison,
"Thought I'd get some cocoa.".
Mrs Payne most suspicious at this, replied slowly,
"Alright. I will have one too.", and promptly sat down, eyeing us warily.

This development most annoying, was quite ready for bed. Set about making cocoa, at which other half gave enormous yawn, said, you know, did not feel like cocoa, would go to bed. Goodnight.

Positively furious as Mrs Payne slowly drank her cocoa, saying on occasion I wouldn't leave her on her own, would I? Slowly slipped into slumber as Mrs Payne chattered on. Woke with a fearful start as Mrs Payne said with curiosity, was ever so strange, had odd desire for cake!

Tuesday, 17 July 2012

Day 192 - lunch

Other half most insistent regards Mrs Payne's party, so got up fearfully early this morning to make birthday cake. Worked ever so stealthily, whispering ingredients as we went.

Had terribly shock as Mrs Payne appeared in doorway, saying sleepily,
"What are you doing? It's six o'clock.".
Bound to say had some uncomfortable silence, after which other half said with excitement,
"We're making pancakes!", adding why did she not go back to bed for an hour, they would be ready! At this Mrs Payne promptly sat at table, said in defiance,
"I'm awake now. Pancakes please.".

Looking at other half, had quite some nerves of making pancake. Had quantity of mixture in the bowl, certainly not that of pancake batter. Did not help a jot as Mrs Payne added helpfully,
"The mixture looks ready! Get the pan out! I'll have the first one!".

Quite disgusted look came over Mrs Payne's face as the rolled the fried mixture into something resembling a roll, more akin to rolling an omlette. Tasting it, Mrs Payne grimaced rather, reached for the condiments, saying after managing to swallow,
"Needs more honey.".

Other half and I looked on as Mrs Payne ate the first pancake, with more "cake" than usual. Quite horrified as Mrs Payne finished the pancake, saying with curiosity,
"I think even more honey on the next one. Are you not having any?".
Said I rather thought I wouldn't, at which other half altogether interrupted, said of course we would! At this other half made frightful quantity more pancakes, as mixture quite prodigious on account of amount for sponge cake. Sitting down at table other half said reticently,
"They look delicious!", as Mrs Payne helped herself.

They were dreadful.

Day 192

Mrs Payne altogether fearful yesterday afternoon. Was in quite awful mood, items required quite thumping to the table, and positively everything was a "bounder".

Other half asked Mrs Payne would she like sherry after dinner. Said rather gently, was quite alright that it was her birthday, had checked. Also seventy positively spring chicken by today's standards. Could live to be a hundred! Bound to say rather didn't help, as said in frightful shock,
"A hundred!".

Mrs Payne most annoyed, said awfully sharply, was not her birthday. Repeating other half, I said with much feeling,
"Seventy isn't altogether that old", at which Mrs Payne exclaimed with rage,
"It's not my birthday! I'm not seventy! LIES!".

At this Mrs Payne got up and stalked into kitchen, quite stubbing her toe on doorframe, exclaiming in bellowing voice,
"OW! YOU BOUNDER!".

Finishing her sherry, other half said once Mrs Payne had left,
"So, what are we planning for the party?".

Monday, 16 July 2012

Day 191 - lunch

Other half asked this morning over breakfast, by the by, was it not her mother's birthday on Thursday? Mrs Payne apparently going deaf, said after some moments,
"Sorry dear, did you say something?".

Question having been posed again, Mrs Payne most vague, birthday not a while, what terribly nice jam this is! Was it time for church? Other half explained with some concern, it was Monday, went to church yesterday. At this Mrs Payne said quite fancied a walk, would be back later, goodbye!

Watched as Mrs Payne exited promptly from back door, still in carpet slippers, and as Mrs Payne tottered down drive rather carefully, we watched with concern from behind lounge curtain as Mrs Payne looked back to house nervously, and presently at on nearby wall.

Saw suspicious old couple walk past, to which Mrs Payne uttered,
"Cooee!". This eliciting no response, Mrs Payne evidently in some annoyance, said rather loudly,
"I SAID, COOEE.".

Other half said we would have to work tirelessly to cheer up mother regards her birthday. Have a feeling this will be fearful week.

Day 191

Other half and I went to coffee shop with Horseface and boss at weekend. Mrs Payne decided would rather not come, said with much annoyance would not step foot in the place on account of those "biscuit nazis". Thought this rather rough.

Had most jolly time, thought it terribly amusing regards Mrs Payne winning tin of biscuits. Said she did look a picture! Boss queried what happened with last tin? Said they were currently taking up ever so much space in freezer, as Mrs Payne had frozen them "for freshness". Other half most bemused also, said she was getting on a bit. By the by, was her birthday this week!

Asking how old she was, received most peculiar answers. Horseface said had been told was "just a few years" older than her. Other half said this positive nonsense, was certainly 68. Boss said this must be wrong, had told him she was 55! Bound to say I declared him a fearful ass.

Followed quite some thought by other half, said did not think mother born in 54, as such could not have 68th birthday. All agreed at once, we didn't know how old Mrs Payne was!

Friday, 13 July 2012

Day 190 - lunch

Loaded biscuit tins into car Thursday evening, most inconvenient as car rather small. Had quantity in boot and piled them up around Mrs Payne on back seat. This taken most badly by Mrs Payne, had dressed up for occasion. Queried as benefactor, might they ask her to make a speech? Had prepared one in any case.

Bound to say event altogether jolly. Were greeted by Horseface and boss. Had talked to organiser, would be happy to put biscuits in raffle, but would have to be marked as "boobie prize" due to date. Mrs Payne most annoyed at this, said had cost her positively pounds only days ago! Query as to whether she would like to take them home met with silence, so tins were carried to prize table.

Tins duly positioned, drinks altogether deserved, as quite fearful carrying tins through crowd in smart clothes. Apologised on more than one occasion for jogging an elbow. Stood with our drinks rather near prize table, with Mrs Payne stood in much anger as several patrons said with amusement,
"Biscuits nearly out of date! What an 'orrible prize!".
Suggested we move away from prize table.

Some time passed as enjoyed our drinks, wandered around, and talked with Horseface and boss. Was quite ready to leave when announcement came that raffle would be drawn. Suggested to other half we might leave directly. Was certain Mrs Payne would be annoyed by further comments on prizes. Mrs Payne however quite unwilling to move, so stayed as prizes laboriously drawn.

The best prizes having been given away, announcement was made that "the moment you've all been waiting for" was here, and the boobie prizes would be drawn. At this room erupted into quite deafening boos. Mrs Payne positively shook with rage.

Took quite some time to give away the dozen tins, and were quite ready to go by the end. Saying our goodbyes to Horseface and boss, most surprised to hear over the crowd the raffle drawer saying,
"E. Payne. Elizabeth Payne. ELIZABETH PAYNE.".
Mrs Payne said with surprise,
"Oh! It's time for my speech!". Boss tried fearfully to stop Mrs Payne, but was quite out of hearing in moments as slowly tottered to the stage. Silence fell over the crowd as Mrs Payne donned her reading glasses and brought out her speech on back of envelope. Followed a few words of Mrs Payne's speech,
"When one hears of such an event as ...", at which prize drawer, most confused, stepped in, whispered something in Mrs Payne's ear, and with nervous smile, said to the crowd and Mrs Payne,
"Here's your biscuits! That's the last one folks!".

Mrs Payne returned through crowd to much staring, as slowly carried her newly won biscuits to our party. Bound to say were all fearfully embarrassed for Mrs Payne. Was quite beetroot in colour, positively shrank into the ground. Other half most annoyed, queried as to why mother had entered raffle! Mrs Payne said in defiance,
"There were some nice prizes!".

All stood in silence for some moments, apparently no one quite knowing what to say. At this, fellow patron came over, also holding a tin of biscuits, said to Mrs Payne with amusement,
"I see you've got some of these biscuits as well then! Short dated too! Have you seen the size? Who'd buy a tin of biscuits this size? It'll take a month to get through them! I'll probably just give them to my dog.".
Mrs Payne shook with annoyance through this, and upon completion of chap's complaint, Mrs Payne smiled rather, and saying not a word, quite stalked out of the place, as chap said with exasperation,
"What did I say?".

Day 190

Mrs Payne returned yesterday afternoon perspiring rather but having got rid of several tins. One remained, however, and Mrs Payne most furious, complained bitterly that wheel barrow most unstable, had fallen over several times and one tin quite fearfully dented! Adding this tin back to a nearby pile, Mrs Payne added nonchalantly, by the by, did I know wheel was buckled on barrow?

Queried as to where biscuits had gone, at which Mrs Payne most pleased, said had given a tin away to homeless man. Ever so pleased to have helped the less fortunate. Was wearing quite fearful coat, so knew he was homeless.

Asked if Mrs Payne would like tea, most appreciated as Mrs Payne sat down and began counting nearby tins by way of inventory.

Coming back with tea found Mrs Payne quite asleep on sofa, uttering quietly under her breath,
"Tins.. Biscuits.. Officer would you like a biscuit.".

Had telephone call late afternoon, waking Mrs Payne with a start, exclaiming loudly,
"WHERE'S THE BISCUITS!", before focusing her eyes and saying with dismay,
"Oh, they're here.".

Boss on telephone altogether excited, said he didn't know why had not thought of it before. Cricket club holding fund raiser tonight. If Mrs Payne wanted to give away more biscuits, would gladly take ten! Passed this on to Mrs Payne, most pleased with this outcome, and was arranged to collect them early evening. Mrs Payne said with pleasure,
"To think, me, a charity benefactor! Fancy! You don't think I'll get an OBE, do you?".

Thursday, 12 July 2012

Day 189 - lunch

Mrs Payne fearfully focused this morning, had quantity of tins left and was determined to get rid of them. Had started a new tin already at breakfast table, made quite sure to offer to other half and I. Said we'd wait to later.

Most pleased as Mrs Payne offered me a tin gratis. Said I would gladly take it, although quite certain will not be eaten before expiry. Took my tin to my office and started work with much pleasure.

Found Mrs Payne altogether absent at mid-morning tea time, and curiously, back door positively wide open. Investigating these found Mrs Payne having dragged deck chair from shed, was sitting on front lawn aside a neat stack of biscuit tins. Suspicious old couple looked on from door, upon which Mrs Payne exclaimed at volume,
"Cooee! Would you like some biscuits?", to which old couple most baffled, with Mrs Payne echoing louder,
"BISCUITS?", explaining to me poor couple quite deaf.

Queried what on earth was she doing, was not operating a market stall pitch, might she take her wares elsewhere? Declared she rather thought she couldn't, had to get rid of them, and quite impossible to transport. Replied I had just the thing.

Folded deck chair as Mrs Payne in best Sunday hat set off door-to-door, said with excitement,
"I'm sure to sell quantities! Super idea on the wheel barrow!".

Day 189

Horseface and boss around for dinner last night, ever so sheepish as they arrived upon seeing quantity of tins still stacked in lounge.

Drinks having been provided, Mrs Payne set about her business, querying with optimism to each person,
"Biscuit?".
Said I rather thought biscuits did not go with wine, however Horseface politely took a biscuit, as did boss, both nibbling them in silence.

Had quite jolly meal, with Mrs Payne exclaiming after each course, might we like a biscuit? It's what the French call an 'amuse bouche'! Begged her pardon, how was a biscuit an amuse bouche? Was told with excitement it was a biscuit on a little plate. All declined.

Had not a thing for dessert, and with much concern, all agreed that Mrs Payne could make her Ice Cream Surprise. As Mrs Payne toiled in kitchen, bound to say we were altogether concerned. Other half said with some worry,
"I say, I hope this isn't a blob of ice cream and three biscuits!".

Bound to say was prodigiously NOT a blob of ice cream and three biscuits. Rather, Mrs Payne returned from kitchen carefully carrying two ever so precarious constructions. Mrs Payne set these in front of boss and Horseface, both open mouthed before smiling politely. Begged Mrs Payne's pardon, how many biscuits had she used in the dessert? At this Mrs Payne said with pleasure,
"Oh, only half a tin!". All gasped rather, before smiling politely once more. Continuing this line of questioning, queried again,
"Half a tin between the two?", to which Mrs Payne said with some annoyance,
"Oh no, half a tin each!".

Other half and I said rather quickly, was terribly odd, were rather full! Might we come into kitchen and make our own Ice Cream Surprise? Other half and boss most exasperated at this, stared in silence at their monstrous dessert, with layer after layer of biscuits, neatly sandwiched with thin ice cream, before more biscuits were added in a fearful tower that was altogether overbearing. Mrs Payne exclaimed as she tottered into the kitchen,
"Enjoy!".

Returned with our altogether smaller desserts, although Mrs Payne had made full tower for herself. Horseface and boss making quite some in roads, were saying ice cream and biscuits jolly nice, Mrs Payne quite the culinary genius! Mrs Payne said with pleasure,
"The secret ingredient is biscuits!".

Other half and I finished our desserts some time later. Biscuits ever so rich, but awfully nice with ice cream, quite weighed one down with every mouthful. Was altogether glad when finished the last mouthful, quickly declaring could not eat another atom, thanked Mrs Payne having offered more.

Horseface and boss faired rather worse, having started at quite some pace to get through the thing, both had eaten rather more than other half and I had. Boss exclaimed as she started,
"I say, Bitty, this is divine!". With each mouthful lethargy set in, with the diners sinking into their chairs as they continued to eat, and boss saying ever slower as he ate,
"I say.... Bitty... this.... is divine.".

After quite some time, Mrs Payne quite finished her dessert, said was delicious, may have a little more later! Half a tin of biscuits definitely right amount! Decided enough was enough, freed boss and Horseface from their miserable fate, suggested they might like to take the remainder of their dessert home. Both quite jumped at this, forcing their bowls into my hands as a child that doesn't want broccoli.

Thanked us for a lovely evening, with quite some sigh said they would certainly enjoy the dessert "a little later".

Horseface and boss having left, Mrs Payne in most jolly of moods, said had got rid of quite four tins! Had seen Horseface and boss did not have much left, so had added another batch to their containers to take away. Exclaimed nervously that I was sure they would be delighted!

Wednesday, 11 July 2012

Day 188 - lunch

Mrs Payne putting in quite olympic effort regards biscuits. Queried last over dinner as to progress, was told had all but finished first tin! By the by, was not a jot hungry for dinner, might she leave it for tomorrow?

Other half much annoyed at quantity of biscuits, said was quite ridiculous, what was mother thinking? In any case, would take a tin of her for work, and be grateful of it. At this Mrs Payne said with pleasure,
"That will be two...", at which quite interrupted, said was terribly kind of her to give tin of biscuits to her only daughter. Mrs Payne reticently agreed, said she was going for a sit down in lounge.

Most amused over breakfast this morning, Mrs Payne altogether beaten by her biscuit marathon. Said could not face another crumb. Exclaimed by way of encouragement not to give up now, only had twenty two tins left! Mrs Payne exclaimed it quite dreadful, could not bear to give them away.

Finished breakfast and set to work, exclaiming to Mrs Payne, to which she provided fearful groan,
"You know, I fancy a biscuit!".

Day 188

Mrs Payne positively intolerable having found out biscuits have expiry. Decided not to cut off nose to spite my face, so accepted couple of biscuits yesterday lunchtime with tea, followed at afternoon tea by more biscuits, Mrs Payne declaring "just one" wouldn't do any harm. Proceeded to give me three.

Received knock on office door late afternoon, with Mrs Payne at door with fearful grin. Asked had I enjoyed the biscuits, perhaps I would like a tin for the office! Said it was terribly kind, would gladly take a tin. Awful temptation to have in office though!

Mrs Payne having provided tin, followed some uncomfortable silence. After this Mrs Payne coughed rather, said carefully,
"That will be two pounds fifty, please.".

Mrs Payne had quite look of shock as shut door in face, again holding her biscuits. Heard through the door Mrs Payne saying to herself with disappointment,
"I thought we had a sale there, Bitty!".

Tuesday, 10 July 2012

Day 187 - lunch

Invited Horseface around for tea at lunchtime, as soon joined us outside coffee shop, with Mrs Payne still fearfully annoyed, waving her biscuit in general direction and calling them bounders. Suggested to Horseface we should go.

Positively furious making tea at home when realised had left shopping bag in coffee shop, containing my biscuits. Mrs Payne altogether unsympathetic, said with amusement,
"One should look after one's biscuits more carefully!".

Drank my tea whilst Mrs Payne offered biscuit to Horseface. Only one, mind! At this, quite remembered what Horseface had said, asked to inspect Mrs Payne's biscuit tin. This taken with much reticence from Mrs Payne, however eventually handed me tin, as said to Horseface with shock,
"He left me at home last week, to starve! He's not having a crumb!".

Looking at tin revealed Horseface's concern, expiry date "13/7/12". Handed tin back to Mrs Payne and queried as to progress on two dozen boxes. Said with pride had only finished top tray of first tin! Weren't they lasting! Said I rather thought they were, however by the by, expiry date was this Friday. At this Mrs Payne altogether shocked, looked in disbelief at a few tins, were all the same.

Most distraught, Mrs Payne said with little tear that was positively awful, could not eat biscuits after expiry, would do terrible things to health to people "our age". Begged Mrs Payne's pardon, was certainly not "her age", further expiry on biscuits only guideline anyway, was sure they would be fine.

Followed fearful explanation from Mrs Payne that had eaten a "ripe wine gum" past its expiry once, had been ill for a month! Mrs Payne looked amongst many tins still in lounge with more distress, said after some silence,
"I say, would you like a biscuit, Robert?".

Day 187

Other half most displeased as to hobnob purchase yesterday evening. Said with some amused horror,
"I vowed 'for better or for worse', but THIS!". Most amused, Mrs Payne exclaimed with pleasure,
"I know, dear! Absolute filth! Would you like a biscuit? Just one, mind!".

Most dejected this morning so decided to go into town to get better biscuits. Mrs Payne positively intolerable, however was most insistent about coming along. Thought rather better of leaving her at home lest she declare herself "left to starve" once more.

Biscuits having been purchased, said perhaps could visit coffee shop. Mrs Payne most delighted by this idea.

No sooner had we sat down with coffee as Mrs Payne reached into bag, was much surprised as she extracted several biscuits. Saying in whispered amusement,
"I fancy a biscuit!". Replied this most unreasonable, outside food altogether frowned upon in coffee shops, might she put them away? This met with much indignation, said we lived in democracy, did we not, and one could enjoy biscuits when and where one pleased!

Most mortified as witnessed quite some argument between shop owner and Mrs Payne, made altogether worse by Mrs Payne declaring various shop pastries as "absolute filth", and further by Horseface appearing. Cantering up in her usual jolly manner, Horseface altogether changed course, exclaiming as she did,
"Coooe-oh, I say.".

Mrs Payne having been quietly ejected from establishment, had some words for Horseface. Said had made quite fearful situation, Mrs Payne positively obsessed! Horseface said was terribly sorry, by the by, did I know were rather short dated? Had warned her about buying so many, would not take a jot of advice. Replied with amusement I certainly did not know!

Monday, 9 July 2012

Day 186 - lunch

Fearfully annoyed this morning as Mrs Payne most amused to mention biscuits at every opportunity. Said after breakfast rather thought she might have a biscuit with coffee. This echoed at mid-morning tea time,
"You know, I fancy a biscuit!".

Had not a crumb in the house other than Mrs Payne's tins and tins of biscuits, most annoying as had not an inch to store them. Mrs Payne most adamant had positively filled her room, had ten tins! She declared this most useful however should she become a "jot peckish" in the night, really was quite cleverest of purchases.

Having quite enough of no biscuits, went to local shop. Most displeased as had quite fearful selection. Returned home with much dismay, to which was met by Mrs Payne, exclaiming with delight upon finding I had bought hobnobs,
"Hobnobs! Oh, I say, Robert! Absolute filth!". Gnawed begrudgingly on my hobnob as Mrs Payne exclaimed again,
"You know, I fancy a biscuit!".

Day 186

Had telephone call from Horseface at weekend, altogether apologetic regards playing bowls with Mrs Payne. Had not meant them to get barred from the club, most shaming. By the by, would we like to have lunch? Replied with much regret that other half and I rather busy. Was sure Mrs Payne would be delighted.

Mrs Payne altogether not delighted, said would sooner be hanged as to spend another moment with Horseface. Replied this much a shame, were already on their way, and other half and I going out. Goodbye!

Other half and I returned some time later having completed our errand, fearfully troublesome, as were returning kettle that got too hot. At least other half said kettle got too hot, so took her word for it. Shop manager said kettle that got to hot positively ridiculous. Other half said manager was clearly calling her a liar, and was I going to stand around and have such insults thrown around? Bound to say whole event ended badly.

Found Mrs Payne altogether missing upon return, so assumed that had been most gracious on Horseface and boss' arrival and had gone out. Most pleased to have place to ourselves, said to other half by way of making up I would make some tea, although was most disappointed as still had no biscuits. Other half said that was just like me. Thought this fearfully rough.

Heard some fumbling at door some time later, and found Mrs Payne attempting entry, carefully balancing two tins of biscuits and in most jolliest of moods. Having stepped indoors, Mrs Payne uttered with triumph,
"Look! I've got biscuits!". Thinking this most appeasing for other half, exclaimed this most brilliant of purchases. Tins ever so large though, did she need two? At this Mrs Payne gave quite a laugh, said with excitement,
"This is just the start!".

Boss soon entered also, carrying two more tins. Declared this all too much, four large tins most ridiculous! Would take us an age to get through them! Boss said rather nervously had rather more than that. In fact, had another twenty tins. Was quite flabagasted at this, exclaimed in shock,
"Twenty four tins!". At this other half returned from kitchen, said with much annoyance,
"Twenty four, WHAT!".
Followed explanation from boss and Horseface, now each carrying two more tins of biscuits, that had mentioned wholesale store. Mrs Payne ever so excited about it, so had taken her. At this Mrs Payne interjected, saying with delight,
"It's ever so cheap, and these were discounted further! Fancy!".

Twenty four tins having been transported from car, asked Horseface and boss if they would like tea, we had biscuits! At this Mrs Payne said rather seriously, was terribly sorry, biscuits not on offer. Had withheld biscuits last week and left her to starve, I would not be having a crumb! Fearfully annoyed at this as all made quite some point of biscuits being most delicious. Mrs Payne said with much amusement, might I like the cocoa and crackers? Positively furious.

Friday, 6 July 2012

Day 185 - lunch

Left before 12 o'clock for bowling club. Mrs Payne positively furious as made quite a point of saying would have a jolly time, and by the by, was taking cake. Mrs Payne brooded furiously, as optimistically opened biscuit tin, saying with exasperation,
"Not a solitary crumb!".

Met Horseface, boss and other half at bowling club and set about explaining rules, ever so simple, just roll the big black balls at the small white one. Horseface queried as to Mrs Payne not attending, to which explained was at home with cocoa powder and crackers. All most confused.

Started playing, and bound to say performance more fearful than usual. Horseface exclaimed with excitement on early shot,
"Oh, I say! Beginner's luck!", at which bowl rolled directly to jack, and promptly pushed both out of bounds. Said we would start again. Horseface most disappointed.

Just about to start another game when all surprised to see Mrs Payne entering bowling green, exclaiming to club member in hut to some unheard complaint,
"Nonsense!", to which marched directly to us. Boss said was jolly nice to see her. By the by, was she wearing carpet slippers? Declared she very much was, had been left in the house "to starve" and had come out for cake and to show herself very much capable of bowls.

Horseface most unadvisedly queried this, said was she sure, would not like put back out! Mrs Payne positively furious at this, said was quite capable, and further, could beat woman at bowls half her age! Adding with some thought that as woman half her age not available, perhaps Horseface might like a game?

Quite bowed out to this fearful competition. Other half, boss and I sat on bench previously occupied by biscuit tin, and set about some cake. Mrs Payne said calmly,
"Save me a piece of cake! This won't take long.". At this Mrs Payne threw jack in usual manner, caused Horseface to jump rather as bellowed,
"PLAY!".

Bound to say Horseface quite all over place regarding bowls. Was terribly nice to fellow bowlers, said most politely was awfully sorry bowl careered into wrong game. Might she pick up the bowl? Actually terribly sorry, picked up wrong one! Where did it go?

Mrs Payne fearfully focused. Required absolute silence, said with much annoyance in my direction,
"Can you eat that cake more quietly please?". Followed series of quite fearful play, with each throw causing much muttering and tension, as proceeded to perform worse and worse. Horseface in jolliest of moods, provided much commiseration, exclaimed in numerous occasions,
"Oh, I say! I thought you had it that time!", to which bowls certainly veered in quite opposite direction to intended.

As Mrs Payne prepared for last bowl, saw old lady from club walking across green, said at volume when some distance away,
"You can't play in slippers you know! And people have been complaining!". Mrs Payne quite ignored this, to which old lady saw fit to repeat, at which Mrs Payne turned around, said with much fury,
"Do you MIND! I'm trying to bowl!". Other half stepped in, said was terribly sorry, was fearfully competitive, might we finish the game? This duly agreed, with Mrs Payne staring in angered silence directly at old lady, quite becoming redder and redder.

All watching, Mrs Payne threw her last bowl, looked awfully straight until quite curved at last moment into neighbouring game, pushed their jack quite off the green. At this old chap previously encountered said with annoyance,
"Not you again, you bloody fool!". Mrs Payne quite ignored this, turned on old lady in much annoyance, saying at volume,
"Do you know, your green isn't flat!". At this old lady said enough was enough, might she ask us to leave? All did so with much apologies except Mrs Payne, who said in further annoyance,
"AND WHERE'S MY CAKE!".

Mrs Payne quite stalked away as Horseface and boss said their goodbyes. Commented to other half having seen them off, how terribly peculiar Mrs Payne had turned up. Other half said it was rather, adding with curiosity as we watched Mrs Payne stalk down road,
"It's almost as if it was planned.".

Day 185

Horseface and boss arrived for dinner last night most excitedly. Heart quite in mouth as Horseface said knowing, had not seen us for an age!

Had most enjoyable dinner as heard tales of Horseface and boss' recent holiday. Frightfully expensive, and most displeased as other half exclaimed in delight we should go there. Positively choked as Mrs Payne ventured,
"Oh! Can I come too!".

Quite ignored this, and all sat in silence whilst searching in vain to change subject. Horseface exclaimed at once as to how we were going with bowls? Explained carefully as to no longer playing, and gesturing rather unsubtly, added that certain people didn't like playing. At this Horseface smiled, said really was terribly hard game, not to worry. Remembering Horseface mentioned playing when in coffee shop, queried as to whether she might like a game? Bound to say Horseface positively delighted, and game settled for tomorrow. Boss most put out, asked was he not invited as spectator? Said he certainly was, to which other half coughed ever so comically, was duly invited also.

Plans having been made, all seemed ever so excited, with Horseface again saying to Mrs Payne not to worry. Looked quite furious as Horseface said kindly,
"Better leave it to us, Bitty, ever such a hard game.". Bound to say Mrs Payne shook with fury, quite thought she might pop!

Thursday, 5 July 2012

Day 184 - lunch

Other half made not a mention of mother's lack of presence for bowling yesterday evening. In fact, made quite point of talking about numerous other things, including had not seen Horseface and boss for a while. Quite froze at this, as Mrs Payne and I had clearly seen Horseface in town. Other half continued unabated, said had telephoned Horseface earlier, by the by, would be coming around Thursday evening for dinner. Said I thought this a jolly idea, quite frantic regarding Horseface outing our insubordination regarding playing bowls on Tuesday.

Mrs Payne seemed altogether disinterested in this, continued to read newspaper with one hand in biscuit tin. After making quite some excavations, Mrs Payne uttered with annoyance,
"I say, we've ran out of biscuits!". At this other half quickly jumped in, said nonchalantly,
"I suppose you had to eat them all seeing as you didn't have the tin lid?".
Mrs Payne altogether sheepish at this, asked what time was dinner tomorrow.

Day 184

Mrs Payne and I headed to bowls club yesterday afternoon, having had an early lunch. Mrs Payne queried in much annoyance, did I have to confiscate the biscuit barrel earlier? Replied I rather thought I did, as was quite sure Mrs Payne would have hoarded the items and refused to move an inch. By way of defiance, Mrs Payne said had made her own chocolate biscuits in any case out of crackers and cocoa powder. Queried as we drudged along with spitting rain, how they were, to which Mrs Payne replied with a shudder,
"Dreadful!".

Got to bowling club and collected bowling items. Mrs Payne said had may as well get to it, despite spitting with rain. At this Mrs Payne replayed usual tactic of over-arm throw of the jack, and uttered with fury,
"PLAY!".

Bound to say threw my first bowl rather nicely, ending altogether near jack. Most pleased with this incredible luck! Mrs Payne rather less so, said was going to cannon my ball clear off the green, might I go and stand to retrieve the bowl from the edge?

Slowly walked across the green in much annoyance at Mrs Payne undoing my luck. Once in position Mrs Payne made awful play of lining up and swinging bowl, after which quite dropped it on the spot, and grabbing biscuit barrel from nearby bench, exclaimed victoriously,
"I've got the biscuits you bounder! I'm off!", at which tottered as fast as could manage, whilst viciously throwing biscuit tin lid to the ground with a clang and conveyed whole biscuit into her mouth, presumably to aid energy. Tottering past club hut, I watched in dismay as Mrs Payne said with mouthful of biscuit to the old lady, open mouthed and rather in shock,
"I've got the biscuits! I'll be hanged before I play!".

Other half altogether displeased when found me sitting on bench some minutes later. No amount of explanation and gesturing with biscuit tin lid helped. Said in much annoyance Mrs Payne quite took the biscuit! At this other half burst out laughing, said I was silly. Added after some moments, if mother thought herself devious, had clearly not remembered who else was a Payne. Gave awfully wry smile at this, bound to say quite chilled me to the core.

Wednesday, 4 July 2012

Day 183 - lunch

Most frightful this morning, as ever so guilty about avoiding bowls yesterday. Mrs Payne flagrant in disregard, made point of saying to daughter had played bowls again. Quite shrank as Mrs Payne said with amusement,
"Do say how well you did, Robert!".

Followed altogether fumbling avoidance of the question, said rather enjoyed winning the games. Other half positively jumped on this, said to mother would certainly be expecting her to put up better effort today! What terrible fun! At this Mrs Payne said wryly she would surely,
"Not let Robert get away with another game!", and turning to me added with a smile,
"Will I, Robert?".

Most dismayed by this, however Mrs Payne's amusement quickly turned to fury, as other half, still fearfully focused on Mrs Payne joining club, said could not bear missing the excitement any longer, would pop along at lunch to see us play!

Mrs Payne most resistant, said was altogether silly to use lunchtime watching us, play was positively awful! Would certainly tell her at dinner time how it went, but most kind to show such enthusiasm. Other half quite ignored this plea, said would be there at one o'clock, was sure we'd be having a jolly game! At this other half duly left for work, repeating her instructions rather seriously upon leaving as to seeing us at lunchtime.

Mrs Payne most furious, quite blamed me for this turn of events! Declared in response this positive nonsense, if Mrs Payne ejected herself from sofa once in a while, would not be playing in first place! Mrs Payne it utmost annoyance said loudly in defense,
"I LIKE SITTING!".
Replied could certainly do so, but by the by, was taking biscuit barrel with me bowling. At this Mrs Payne positively outraged, said with fury as she stood,
"You bounder!".

Said I would be leaving at a quarter to one.

Day 183

Sat in coffee shop most annoyed yesterday, and further by Horseface appearing as so often does. Said would get coffee and join us.

Mrs Payne most amused to tell Horseface of our plans to get her out of house. Positively furious as Horseface erupted into silvery laughter as Mrs Payne repeated for the thousandth time,
"I knew he'd break.".

This not bad enough, Horseface went on to say as it happens, rather fancied bowls herself. Might we all play? This rapidly reduced Mrs Payne's amusement, said was terribly sorry, was busy! Yes, altogether busy, terribly sorry!

Made our excuses, having finished our coffee, and said good-bye to Horseface. Mrs Payne explained having escaped as to Horseface being fearfully competitive, was most laborious having to beat her just to prove a point. Begged her pardon, but was she not rather terrible, as was I? Mrs Payne replied with much indignation,
"I'm a positive marvel at the game!".

Rather think I'd like another game.

Tuesday, 3 July 2012

Day 182 - lunch

Was fearfully depressed this morning as was inevitably off to play bowls again, altogether worse as looked like wet day, and quite dreadful playing when spitting yesterday. Other half fearfully energetic regarding the fun must have missed when mother and I played. Oh, could only imagine!

This morning other half insistent as ever, and bound to say was altogether less energetic in exclamation of desire for playing at lunchtime. Most strangely Mrs Payne rather more positive about the affair.

Other half having left for work, Mrs Payne exclaimed directly with much petulance,
"Don't think I can't see what you're trying to do! You're both trying to get me out of the house! You don't want to play bowls a jot! So there!".
This proved quite shock, and lacking suitable response, collapsed into agreement. At this Mrs Payne grinned deeply, said she knew I'd break. Most annoyed, said we would jolly well be going, and that was that!

Arrived lunchtime at coffee shop, Mrs Payne's suggestion by way of alibi. Sitting down with her coffee and cake, Mrs Payne repeated with pleasure,
"I knew you'd break!".

Day 182

Took to the green yesterday afternoon, Mrs Payne and I both under duress from other half. Bound to say first game's poor performance looking altogether as beginner's luck, as today's positively dire.

Mrs Payne's vicious throwing of jack rather more wayward than previous, bouncing as it did, into a bush. This most annoying, as I was sent into said rather prickly bush to retrieve item, seeing as,
"You wanted to come!".

Followed game where mind altogether unclear on whether weighted side of ball should be inward or outward, as such some throws veered fearfully, causing much calamity in other people's games. Apparently Monday morning rather more busy than weekends, explained by lady in club hut, saying,
"Only amateurs play at weekends!", clearly forgetting had only just seen us last weekend.

In this session of prickling and profuse apology to fellow players, was altogether in perkiest of manners, was sure other half would be proud as I said what a jolly game it was, and wasn't Mrs Payne enjoying herself also! Delightful game!

Situation took turn rather for worse as started spitting with rain, with Mrs Payne taking very first drop as opportunity to call it a day. Exclaimed was having ever so much fun, might be continue? Also, Mrs Payne was winning, was terribly exciting, was it not?

Apparently, it was rather not. Mrs Payne, cannoning her bowl with fearful disregard, curved around in terrible banana shape, quite obliterated fellow player's game, and even politest old gent apparently most displeased when interrupting ones game of bowls, exclaimed with annoyance,
"Oi! Watch what you're doing you bloody fool!".
Mrs Payne most affronted at this. Decided it was time to leave.

Monday, 2 July 2012

Day 181 - lunch

Encouragement of Mrs Payne's bowling career continued this morning, as other half reminisced of jolly time had yesterday. Oh how we laughed! Was Mrs Payne returning today?

At this Mrs Payne said beginners course now ended. Had not a jot of intent to return, as would quite certainly be convinced to join by kindness alone. Other half most displeased at this, thought for few moments and exclaimed with delight,
"Oh, I say! You said earlier you'd like a game today, didn't you, Robert? I think you said you had some time at lunch!".

Bound to say had not a jot of reply to other half's entrapment, was most displeased at losing lunchtime, however other half most insistent that mother would not want to prevent me playing. Mrs Payne scrutinised me closely, saying directly,
"Do you want to play?". Quite choked at this, before saying ernestly,
"Oh, fearfully!". At this Mrs Payne gave large sigh, said with dismay,
"Alright, but I'm throwing the cue ball.".

Day 181

Played bowls at weekend, much to annoyance of Mrs Payne. Said it altogether fearful, was sure to be dragged into conversation with overly nice patrons. Other half insisted furiously, until Mrs Payne finally agreed with provision of cake.

Was told beforehand insistence from other half principally in effort to get Mrs Payne to sign up and off sofa. One could not live on crosswords alone. Said this quite alright, had quantity of biscuits also.

In effort to get new patrons, bowling club terribly nice to lend equipment, and arriving at club was duly greeted by elderly lady sat in little hut. Followed quite barage of conversation that was ever so glad to see Elizabeth back! Wasn't the weather nice for today! And Elizabeth had brought some friends! Very nice! Did we all want to play! Polite smiles having been provided, we took our playing items, with Mrs Payne tottering away as fast as possible, saying far enough away,
"See! Quite ghastly!".

Other half and I quite elated at this new found game. Lifting the large black balls, weighting ever so strange, exclaimed were quite unsure as to how to throw them! Further, had a little white "jack" to aim for, looked altogether small!

Mrs Payne, evidently not in mood for prolonged exchange, said rather sharply,
"Throw the cue ball!".
Bound to say was altogether unsure how hard to roll it, seemed positively miles away, but was sure to roll too far into ditch. Had just finished exclaiming this to other half, and was in process of discussing strategy when Mrs Payne quite snatched jack from my hand, said,
"Let me throw the cue ball!", viciously launched ball into the air over-arm fashion, such that it landed with something of a thud, and stopped some way towards the edge of the green with a little bounce. Pleased with her effort, Mrs Payne hummed rather, then said at volume,
"PLAY!".

Followed a game quite delightful in fun but fearfully difficult. All fared rather similar, with bowls going in most ridiculous of directions, thankfully not interfering with others on account of green being quiet.

Helping herself to second piece of cake by way of "penance" Mrs Payne no jollier having won. Other half and I both exclaimed greatly as to what a fun game it was! Would love to come here every day to play! Still, one had to work. If we were retired however, would join in an instant!

Handing back equipment to bowling club lady, had quite some discussion on enjoying the game, with Mrs Payne terribly impatient in waiting. Bound to say conversation rather cut short when club lady provided chilling report that a criminal had been seen in area posing as postman, was found prowling around home rather near here, had we seen anything? Said it was time to go.