Friday, 6 July 2012

Day 185 - lunch

Left before 12 o'clock for bowling club. Mrs Payne positively furious as made quite a point of saying would have a jolly time, and by the by, was taking cake. Mrs Payne brooded furiously, as optimistically opened biscuit tin, saying with exasperation,
"Not a solitary crumb!".

Met Horseface, boss and other half at bowling club and set about explaining rules, ever so simple, just roll the big black balls at the small white one. Horseface queried as to Mrs Payne not attending, to which explained was at home with cocoa powder and crackers. All most confused.

Started playing, and bound to say performance more fearful than usual. Horseface exclaimed with excitement on early shot,
"Oh, I say! Beginner's luck!", at which bowl rolled directly to jack, and promptly pushed both out of bounds. Said we would start again. Horseface most disappointed.

Just about to start another game when all surprised to see Mrs Payne entering bowling green, exclaiming to club member in hut to some unheard complaint,
"Nonsense!", to which marched directly to us. Boss said was jolly nice to see her. By the by, was she wearing carpet slippers? Declared she very much was, had been left in the house "to starve" and had come out for cake and to show herself very much capable of bowls.

Horseface most unadvisedly queried this, said was she sure, would not like put back out! Mrs Payne positively furious at this, said was quite capable, and further, could beat woman at bowls half her age! Adding with some thought that as woman half her age not available, perhaps Horseface might like a game?

Quite bowed out to this fearful competition. Other half, boss and I sat on bench previously occupied by biscuit tin, and set about some cake. Mrs Payne said calmly,
"Save me a piece of cake! This won't take long.". At this Mrs Payne threw jack in usual manner, caused Horseface to jump rather as bellowed,

Bound to say Horseface quite all over place regarding bowls. Was terribly nice to fellow bowlers, said most politely was awfully sorry bowl careered into wrong game. Might she pick up the bowl? Actually terribly sorry, picked up wrong one! Where did it go?

Mrs Payne fearfully focused. Required absolute silence, said with much annoyance in my direction,
"Can you eat that cake more quietly please?". Followed series of quite fearful play, with each throw causing much muttering and tension, as proceeded to perform worse and worse. Horseface in jolliest of moods, provided much commiseration, exclaimed in numerous occasions,
"Oh, I say! I thought you had it that time!", to which bowls certainly veered in quite opposite direction to intended.

As Mrs Payne prepared for last bowl, saw old lady from club walking across green, said at volume when some distance away,
"You can't play in slippers you know! And people have been complaining!". Mrs Payne quite ignored this, to which old lady saw fit to repeat, at which Mrs Payne turned around, said with much fury,
"Do you MIND! I'm trying to bowl!". Other half stepped in, said was terribly sorry, was fearfully competitive, might we finish the game? This duly agreed, with Mrs Payne staring in angered silence directly at old lady, quite becoming redder and redder.

All watching, Mrs Payne threw her last bowl, looked awfully straight until quite curved at last moment into neighbouring game, pushed their jack quite off the green. At this old chap previously encountered said with annoyance,
"Not you again, you bloody fool!". Mrs Payne quite ignored this, turned on old lady in much annoyance, saying at volume,
"Do you know, your green isn't flat!". At this old lady said enough was enough, might she ask us to leave? All did so with much apologies except Mrs Payne, who said in further annoyance,

Mrs Payne quite stalked away as Horseface and boss said their goodbyes. Commented to other half having seen them off, how terribly peculiar Mrs Payne had turned up. Other half said it was rather, adding with curiosity as we watched Mrs Payne stalk down road,
"It's almost as if it was planned.".

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