Friday, 20 July 2012

Day 195

Bound to say Mrs Payne's birthday party quite fearful last night. Mrs Payne most insistent earlier in week regards not celebrating her birthday, suggestion to other half was much better to avoid thing entirely, positively ignored.

Had light dinner, and had left back door unlocked such that Horseface and boss could sneak in, bring the birthday cake. As such, listening rather carefully heard small noise from kitchen to indicate their arrival. Made conversation by way of hiding the noise, as Mrs Payne frowned rather, begged by pardon, would be back in a moment. At this, before had moment to react Mrs Payne had gathered her umbrella from coat stand, burst into kitchen, saying with usual volume,
"THIEVING BOUNDERS!", at which opened her umbrella directly into Horseface's face. Immediately apologising, Mrs Payne struggled rather to retract umbrella, pushing fabric rather more at Horseface, cornered against table, saying somewhat muffled,
"I say! What the devil!".

Some moments later umbrella retracted, revealing furious Umbrellaface, red with annoyance, shaking rather as she asked politely,
"I say, Bitty, do you always open umbrellas on your guests?".
Mrs Payne very apologetic, had not expected her!

Followed explanation from other half that had invited Horseface and boss "for cake". Mrs Payne most displeased at this, said with emphasis,
"Why?".
Other half replied with some fluster, no reason, we all like cake, don't we! Have some little sausage rolls too, terribly jolly!
At this was most uncomfortable, explained as Mrs Payne stood in silence, by the by, had not a crumb of sausage rolls. Had all been eaten!

Sat in dining room with fearful buffet, consisting dry crackers and a few lumps of jam. Other half most annoyed, queried as to why I hadn't told her about sausage rolls. Explained this quite slipped my mind, was certainly not me that had eaten them! All ate their crackers in silence, most relieved when time came for cake.

Other half asked rather unwisely, would mother like to cut her cake? At this Mrs Payne said rather sharply,
"Oh, is it MY cake? I hadn't realised.". As such set about cutting thinnest slivers of cake had ever seen, surely single atom thick. Distributing four plates, profoundly two dimensional in cake content, Mrs Payne proceeded to cut quite sixth of cake for herself.

All looked with disappointment at their cake, save Mrs Payne, tucked in with quite enormous forkfuls. Ate mine rather carefully, cutting into squares and lifting on back of fork to mouth. On several occasions was so light quite blew off the fork on moving. Successful mouthfuls rather like sugary wafer, dissolving instantly.

Cake having been finished, all sat in uncomfortable silence as Mrs Payne continued eating her cake. Half way through, Mrs Payne surveyed the table, saying innocently,
"Finished already, I say!". At this other half said with disappointment, had given us rather small pieces. Mrs Payne positively put her fork down at this, said with not a hint of amusement to the table,
"I'm terribly sorry, I thought I heard it was MY cake. If it was OUR cake I would surely have cut it more evenly.". Quite barrage of reply ensued, all said had certainly heard 'our', was terrible echo in room! Quite certain it was 'our'!
At this Mrs Payne smiled rather, handing cake slice to daughter said most regally,
"Let them eat cake.".

And we did. Saying not a jot more about birthdays.

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