Tuesday, 28 August 2012

All good things...

Authors note: It's with regret that I announce I will be putting the diary on pause for the time being.  It has become increasingly difficult to find time to write the diary, and I am conscious of letting standards slip.  I will think of  an alternate way of bring you news of everyone's antics, but I can't make any promises on when it may return.

Again, I would like to thank my loyal readers, particularly Jennifer, Susan and Annie.  I'm sorry I could not continue with it, and really, your readership is the only reason I write.

Friday, 24 August 2012

Day 210 - lunch

Bound to say other half most displeased yesterday evening as saw fishing equipment in bedroom, saying with annoyance,
"What the bally is that!". Explained this rather a necessity, handing other half tackle box. This did not a jot to improve mood, so quickly suggested opening it. Doing so other half's face brightened rather, saying with admiration,
"I say Robert, you are clever! Might we have some now?".

Eating some banana cake, other half said dismissively,
"You won't catch a jot with that, you know.". Most annoyed at this, said why on earth did everyone keep saying that! Other half looked at me ever so seriously, said warmly,
"It's a child's toy, dear.". Holding the item, I looked upon it more closely, saying to other half with some hurt,
"I don't see a thing wrong with it! Fine fishing pole this!". Taking the item from me, other half said seriously,
"Firstly, fishing poles are much longer. This is barely 5 foot. Secondly, it's got a net on the end. And thirdly, look, there's a little label saying 'Ages 8 to 11'.".
Looked on the item more closely, I said to other half whist eating more cake,
"Well, that would explan why it was only a pound, I suppose.".

Other half and I curiously not hungry for breakfast, thanked Mrs Payne all the same for bread. This altogether taken badly said didn't want to waste it. Had put a little out for the birds, but not even the pigeons would touch it! Picking bits from her teeth, Mrs Payne asked might I be so kind as to help put the bread maker away, was tired of it for the moment. Looked at other half and smiled as I said,
"I'd be delighted!".

Day 210

Had quite delicious lunch yesterday, made of toasted sandwich and scones with jam and cream. Bound to say received one or two curious looks sat with my fishing equipment.

Most surprised some while later to see Horseface walk in. Begged her pardon, but did she frequent every eatery in the town in rotation? Quite ignoring this, Horseface exclaimed with amusement,
"I say Robert, is this fishing gear yours!". Said it rather was, being terribly necessity of smuggling some edible bread into house on account of Mrs Payne's dreadful baking. Further, was now stuck with a "fishing stick". Horseface thought this quite hilarious, laughed a great deal before saying kindly,
"Pole, dear, they're called fishing poles.". Thought myself a frightful idiot for conversation with Mrs Payne, but altogether kept this from Horseface.

Neatly separated my cargo into the tackle box, consisting vanilla slice, thick slice of banana loaf, pain au chocolat, and finally small bloomer loaf, split in two upon request. Most annoyed during this as old lady behind queried as to me being all day. Replied did she mind, was evaluating size! Further annoyed as old lady continued,
"And your fishing stick has fallen over too!". Replied at some volume,
"It's called a fishing POLE!".

Set off home in high spirits with my cargo, quite ingeniously hidden. Bound to say, by the by, this altogether cheapest available, much to dismay of shop owner. Said would certainly catch not a jot with it.

Entered house saying was terribly sorry so long, hope she had enjoyed her lunch, what a nice fishing pole I had bought! Was joke earlier regards fishing stick! Quite ignoring this, Mrs Payne scrutinised items rather, at which I carefully picked up tackle box before had time to open it. Taking items upstairs, most surprised as Mrs Payne said nonchalantly,
"I say Robert, not much of a pole, that. I dare say you won't catch a thing.".

Thursday, 23 August 2012

Day 209 - lunch

Mid-morning was still much dismayed at dissolved cakes, and further, was still picking bits of liquorice from teeth. As such thought jolly well deserved trip to deli again.

With previous failure of cake import, had been thinking hard of way to get items past Mrs Payne. Thought myself fearfully clever as struck upon strategy of trojan horse. As such, had only to think of a suitably benign item to purchase cheaply, and cram it full of bread, pastries and cake. Have been craving toast terribly.

Seeing Mrs Payne making coffee, said nervously was going out, back shortly, goodbye! At this Mrs Payne queried carefully as to normally having coffee when made, where was I going? Further, if would wait some minutes, would like to come herself, explaining,
"I'd like some foot ointment for my feet.".
Replied had heard foot ointment rather good for scalp, at which Mrs Payne replied with interest,
"Well I never!".
Was about to correct this when most shocked as Mrs Payne said with pleasure,
"I'll be ready in five minutes then!". Most taken back, said terribly sorry, had to go now, adding quickly,
"They've got a sale on", before pausing rather, "adding with some horror, "fishing equipment!". At this Mrs Payne most confused, said curiously,
"But you don't fish!". Replied was fearfully interested in it, as such was going out, explaining in detail about purchases,
"To buy a fishing stick and tackle box!". Thought this most clever, as tackle box perfect for my trojan horse. Mrs Payne altogether silent at this, before saying with concern,
"Pole. Fishing pole.". Thought this most curious at the time, said as I opened front door,
"No, I don't think the shop owner is Polish. Goodbye!".

Day 209

Finally stopped raining this morning, so stepped outside back door to see about abandoned cakes while Mrs Payne and other half still getting dressed. Bound to say sight quite woeful. Rain having seeped through box, sponge and icing had altogether dissolved, creating swirling rainbow of food colouring from decoration. Most curiously, sprinkles remained intact, no doubt attributed to some material of unearthly quality. Most annoyed at this as quite frightfully hard on teeth usually. Quite sure they survived to spite me.

Had quite a start as returned to kitchen having put cake box in bin as Mrs Payne appeared saying in one breath,
"Good morning might we try my bread this morning?".
Explained to other half, appearing moments later as to Mrs Payne's request. Altogether lacking energy, other half said sleepily,
"Oh. Lets.".
At this Mrs Payne most upset, said with some disdain,
"I say, I make some delicious bread, and you won't even give it the time of day! You wouldn't even try it yesterday, and it's certainly past its best!".

Other half and I tried fearfully to pacify Mrs Payne, said had been looking forward to it terribly! At this Mrs Payne's face brightened significantly, said with excitement,
"Let me cut some slices! If you like it I'll make sandwiches! I'm positively certain you'll like it! I want your honest opinion!".

As Mrs Payne sliced bread, other half and I looked on with some concern. Slices appeared altogether normal, withstanding odd black chunks, rather as pieces of nut, but black as coal. Inspected bread closely on my breakfast plate, as did other half, making some excavations with tip of knife, both of us looking up nervously to find Mrs Payne surveying us. Other half said quickly as she spread some butter,
"Mmm! Looks delicious!".

Butter having been applied liberally, other half and I bit the bullet, both figuratively, and seemingly, literally. Found bread frightfully hard, making Mrs Payne's earlier attempt seem positively soft in comparison. Once through the exterior, found what assumed to be black elements frightfully sticky, with quite horrible taste of liquorice. Throughout quite fearful endeavour of single bite, had quite odd taste of acrid iced cream. This duly explained by Mrs Payne as we continued our sampling,
"Can you taste the vanilla? I was adding a drop, but the bottle came out of my hands and landed in the ingredients! Slippery devil!".

Looked at other half awfully seriously as we finished our bite, and opening my mouth to speak, found only one word,
"Well,", before trailing off rather. At this other half continued quickly,
"Oh, I agree! Very much so!", at which I added,
"Certainly! Yes, much the same!". Mrs Payne looked altogether curious at this, furrowed brow rather, and said brightly,
"As I thought!", adding after moment,
"You haven't found the lid for the vanilla essence I assume?".

Wednesday, 22 August 2012

Day 208 - lunch

Other half came home fearfully tired yesterday evening.  Was most fatigued as Mrs Payne said brightly would she like to taste the new loaf?  At this other half stated was terribly sorry, had been fearfully busy day, bread could bally well hang!  Mrs Payne most upset about this, said sulking,
"Robert said we could try it together!".  Bound to say gulped fearfully at this, commented as to what we might have for dinner.  Mrs Payne added to this with excitement,
"Oh!  Bread and soup!".  This quickly dismissed as other half and I said in unison,
"NO!".

Other half suggested would have to be terribly delicious, needed some cheering up.  Further, had been told by colleague that deli around corner did all kinds of cakes and such now, was craving something delicious all afternoon.  Said I didn't have a clue what she was talking about.

Settled on other half's favourite of salmon en croute for dinner, despite much suggestion from Mrs Payne as to club sandwiches, salmon sandwiches, cheese sandwiches, cheese on toast, beans on toast and finally, just toast.  All vigorously declined.  Mrs Payne sulked furiously as said petulently,
"You've not even guessed the special ingredient!".

Day 208

Bound to say had quite fearful quantity of tea yesterday afternoon as checked incessantly as to getting box by back door containing array of cake and savouries.  On each occasion found Mrs Payne looking in recipe books and making notes on envelope as to new flavours at kitchen table.  Queried often as to being more comfortable in lounge.  Received reply that,
"This is where the genius flows!".

Hearing Mrs Payne tottering around downstairs, rushed out of office only to find had returned to kitchen with bag of bombay mix from lounge, left over from Christmas.  With some excitement Mrs Payne queried carefully,
"Were you eating these?  I have an idea for bread.".

Stalked back upstairs as heard Mrs Payne exclaim in kitchen,
"Oh I say, it's started to rain!".
Heard rain beating on window as returned downstairs in much annoyance.  Mrs Payne most curious as to whether I was working today.  Explained weakly had forgotten tea, might she like some?  Watched with dismay as continued raining, whilst kettle boiled.  Looking up from her recipes, Mrs Payne said with awe,
"I say, it's bucketing down!  Everything will be sodden!".  Looked at tea pot with disappointment as Mrs Payne queried,
"By the by, were you trying my new loaf?".

Tuesday, 21 August 2012

Day 207 - lunch

Steeled myself this morning as looked at fearful loaf, still significant quantity left, as to going out to deli.  Thought carefully about this between interruptions of Mrs Payne asking other half and I, were we sure did not want toast?  Said most categorically, were fine with cereal, thank you.

Decided before mid-morning tea that would have to escape before had another offer of bread for elevenses.  As such carefully gathered coat and such around 10 o'clock, and received much fright as Mrs Payne appeared at bottom of stairs, saying with some suspicion,
"Where are you going!".  Bound to say had not a jot of idea what to say to this.  Cursed my lack of preparedness, had not come up with alibi.  Some moments passed as I descended the stairs, saying weakly,
"Sorry?  What was that?".
Mrs Payne eyed me carefully, before saying again slowly,
"Where are you going?".
Said quickly and with utmost disregard,
"Oh, just seeing Horseface.  Would you like to come?".

Shut front door with elation, Mrs Payne said would rather be hanged, and tripped down drive as a schoolboy bunking off from school.

Got to deli with some excitement.  Heart positively pounded as looked upon various pastries, savoury and sweet, as well as rainbow of cakes, and not a jot of dry roasted peanut to be seen!  Asked for largest cup of tea could muster, would have croissant, tea cake, and would see about cake shortly, thank you very much.  By the by, might they be able to put me some items in box?

Felt ever so brave returning home with cardboard container, crammed with cake.  Had asked specifically that they make best use of space for least conspicuous package.  Had thought as enjoyed my treats that would be far too obvious to take through front door.  As such would put at back door and retrieve later.

Entered through front door ever so brightly, said had quite jolly morning, hoped Mrs Payne had also.  Most dismayed to hear she rather had, by way of another loaf of bread.  Said with some reluctance was certainly spoiling us, had not finished first loaf yet!  At this Mrs Payne said dismissively, had finished it herself.  Mrs Payne led way to kitchen, exclaiming with delight,
"You'll never guess what's in this one!".

Day 207

Other half most concerned yesterday evening, as was confronted by mother and large slice of bread.  Evidently the slab easier to cut whilst cool.  Other half said would really rather wait until dinner to eat, however Mrs Payne most insistent, said with optimism,
"Oh do try a bite!  It's delicious!".

Giving a gracious smile, other half picked up bread, saying with surprise,
"Oh, it's not as light as I would have thought!".  Mrs Payne nodded with pride, said victoriously,
"That's how it's supposed to be!".

Watching this sight from armchair, bound to say got terribly bored.  Other half, most unwisely not inspecting the devilish bake, took altogether large bite, at which spent quite some minutes chewing, switching expression from indulgent,
"Mmm!", to fiercely concentrated chewing.
Finishing the bite, other half gasped rather for air, queried with some concern, what was in it?  Mrs Payne most delighted with this question, exclaimed at once,
"Guess!".

Other half looked most grave as proceeded to think most seriously whilst picking bits from teeth with her tongue.  After some time, other half said with amusement,
"I say, wine gums, cake sprinkles, and roasted nuts!".  Mrs Payne most displeased at this, said reluctantly,
"Well, you got one right.", tottering off some remainder of slice in some annoyance.
"Good Lord, which one?!", was other half's reply to me.  Said as put down newspaper, not to worry, only had three quarters of loaf left.  By the by, our nice loaf from supermarket was given to the birds.  Other half sat in silent dejection at this, saying after some minutes,
"What's for dinner?".  Felt awfully sorry as said to her carefully,
"Bread and soup.".  At this other half sat bolt upright, said loudly,
"OVER MY DEAD BODY!".  At this Mrs Payne came in, queried in confusion,
"Sorry, dear, 'order mind head lorry'?  Anyway, I've put the soup on!".  Looked directly at other half, most furious, I said quietly,
"It very well might be.".

Monday, 20 August 2012

Day 206 - lunch

Much dismayed at lunchtime to find not a crumb of nice bread had bought from supermarket.  Queried with Mrs Payne as to what were having for lunch, had not a jot for toast.  By the by, where had loaf gone?  Mrs Payne most dismissive regards loaf, said had given it to birds.  Most annoyed at this, said was altogether expensive, had bought it specifically.  Ignoring this entirely, Mrs Payne said with excitement, might I like to see her loaf?  Said with much hesitation I would.  At this Mrs Payne carefully lifted  tea towel off kitchen table, exclaimed with pride,
"Ta-da!".

Looked open the loaf with much reminiscence.  Item fearfully under-risen, was quite size of fruit loaf.  Picking up item such as to tap bottom to check if done (have seen this on television), found it quite frightful weight and density also.  Mrs Payne looked on, saying with excitement,
"Isn't it a beauty!".

Seeing not a jot else for lunch.  Said I would cut.  Bound to say this proved rather difficult.  Bread altogether warm, and between scalding fingers, managed to cut several slices, unfortunately, in rather wedge shape.  Mrs Payne most annoyed at this, said was doing it awfully wrong, was quite fearful idiot.  Taking over, Mrs Payne proceeded to cut slice for herself, rather in shape of door wedge.

Set about putting my slices in toaster.  Most annoyed as only half fitted in, leaving thick end of slice protruding rather and altogether untoasted.  Most despondent at this, as readied fearful quantity of butter.  Looking on protruding bread, begged Mrs Payne's pardon, what had she put in bread?  Mrs Payne most pleased with this question, said in reply with emphasis,
"It's my own recipe!  It's got bits of cherry, dessicated coconut, and some dry roasted peanuts, for crunch!  I found them at the back of the cupboard!".

Set my slices of half-toasted bread on plate, as sighed rather.  Put fearful quantity of butter on the wedges as Mrs Payne, having her bread untoasted, did the same in lesser quantity.  Steeled myself rather, and held breath as tasted the foul concoction.  Bound to say, tasted rather like starter, main and dessert, in one dense bread-like form.  Gripping the thin end between teeth, tore off morsel and chewed wistfully for some time, butter doing not a jot for edibility.  Mrs Payne must indulgent with hers, said was quite delicious, adding before taking large bite,
"You can really taste the dry roasted peanuts!".

Day 206

Mrs Payne awfully bored now has no crosswords.  As other and I read Sunday newspapers, was most concerned to watch Mrs Payne rummaging through kitchen cupboards, as was sure,
"I've seen a bread contraption somewhere.".
Bound to say kept altogether quiet in this regard, said hadn't faintest idea where it was.  Other half echoed this, looking altogether nervous.
Other half and I exclaimed at once by way of discouragement, might Mrs Payne like some tea?  Was still some in the pot!  Was delicious!  This altogether ignored, as moments later Mrs Payne heaved from cupboard, with some oofing, our old, barely used bread maker.

Watched with some amusement as Mrs Payne opened and closed various flaps and pressed buttons on the device as a child.  Had altogether good intentions regarding the item ourselves, but most inconvenient regards measuring ingredients and suchlike, further produced quite fearful results.  Said this to Mrs Payne, in great detail, explaining really was better to put back in cupboard.  Quite frightful item.  This altogether ignored as Mrs Payne said with delight,
"Who wants bread!".

Friday, 17 August 2012

Day 205 - lunch

Shall complete diary entry regards Mrs Payne's lobster before returning to regular diary entries, now Mrs Payne no longer involved in excessive crosswords.

Bound to say all astounded as lobster brought to table, with Mrs Payne quite frantic.  Gripping her cracker tightly she stared as the beast as the rest of our meals brought to table.  All started to eat, with Mrs Payne continuing for some moments to merely her meal.  Steeling herself, she tapped lightly on the body, saying as she did,
"Is anyone in there?".  All at table looked at her, at which she said with relief,
"It's cooked then!".

Putting knife down, boss some most useful instructions by way of pointing as to what appendages were which.  At this waiter came over, said with concern, was everyone okay?  Mrs Payne replied brightly,
"Oh yes!  We're getting along famously!", at which Mrs Payne tapped shell with her cracker, adding,
"Aren't we, Shelly?".

Waiter having left Mrs Payne to her tapping, boss continued with advice as to pulling claws off, tail and suchlike.  Bound to say was altogether glad it was Mrs Payne, and found it most amusing to watch from other side of table.  Other half to left of Mrs Payne and Horseface to right, rather more concerned.  Horseface positively furious as boss said by way of encouragement,
"That's it!  Give the tail a jolly good pull!".  At this Mrs Payne stared fearlessly, grabbed the beast, and having applied quite astonishing pressure, loosed her grip, jolted Horseface's fork, at which Horseface's laden fork quite leapt out of hand, scattering risotto over tablecloth.  Horseface turned fearfully red as said ever so slowly to Mrs Payne,
"Quite alright dear, think nothing of it.".  Resuming her fork, Horseface subtly moved away from Mrs Payne, before nervously looking amongst her fellow guests to check if spotted.  Gave her beaming grin, at which she looked away sheepishly.

Mrs Payne positively delighted with progress, said with excitement,
"Oh I say!  I can see some meat!  Better switch to the fork!".  All ate with much contentment, with Horseface occasionally gathering one or two more grains of risotto from table, and Mrs Payne busying herself with little fork.

Bound to say all fearfully bored as waiter took away our plates, leaving only Mrs Payne in quiet bliss eating her lobster.  After had finished tail, Mrs Payne altogether despondent.  Asked boss, did he think there was any more in the beast?  Boss exclaimed was positively bucket loads, might she pick up her cracker?

Even at opposite side of table, winced fearfully as Mrs Payne held lobster claw in vice-like grip between crackers, teeth gritted and eyes shut as pressed with all her might.  Gasping, she gave up, said whilst catching her breath,
"I say, I think I need bigger crackers!  Let me try again.".  Correcting her grip, Mrs Payne resumed her attempt, after which slooshing sound revealed claw quite exploded into two pieces, with majority landing neatly on her plate.  Mrs Payne picked up her fork, said with delight,
"I think I'm getting the hang of this!".  Other half had quite frozen beside her mother.  Slowly retrieving her napkin from table, said rather quietly,
"I believe this is yours?", at which other half retrieved remainder of claw from her lap, said had only made smallest of marks on dress, not to worry.

Was quite midnight by time Mrs Payne had finished.  All at table awfully tired as waiters looked on with bored annoyance.  Mrs Payne asked again with disappointment, might there be any meat left?  Boss said decidedly, there was not.  Table positively covered in debris, from Horseface's risotto, to bits of shell and crumbs from bread had received by way of sustenance whilst watching Mrs Payne's lobster excavations for two hours.  Waiter looked almost furious as cleared Mrs Payne's plates, with a sigh, gathered tablecloth also, was sure this quite purposefully before we had left.  Having paid the bill all got up to leave, with Mrs Payne still elated by her evening's dining.  Other half positively mortified as Mrs Payne stood up, said in hushed tone,
"Look at your dress!", at which Mrs Payne looked down, chuckled rather as brushed off positive avalanche of tiny pieces of lobster onto carpet, smiled at waiter, visibly shaking with anger, as she said good evening.  Waiter positively gasped with horror as Mrs Payne said with child-like manner,
"Might we come back tomorrow for another lobster?".  Waiter replied quickly,
"WE'RE CLOSED.".

Day 205

Other half and I most displeased regards crosswords.  Mrs Payne positively refused to stop newspaper or throw away excess.  As such devised quite cleverest way to resolve them.

Left Mrs Payne with solitary crossword yesterday afternoon, as went on trip to coffee shop.  Having got coffee sat on table prominent in middle of cafe, set out crosswords with selection of pens and set about solving one myself.  Positively delighted as had middle aged lady ask if crosswords were available.  Said yes they were, might she return it when complete?

Bound to say had delegated four crosswords by time Horseface came in, said loudly,
"Putting the unemployed and the unemployable to work, eh, Robert?".  Thankfully all ignored this, as said in hushed tone as to being only way to stop Mrs Payne's mania regards crosswords.  At this Horseface said indulgently,
"Very well!", at which took crossword herself.

Slowly crosswords returned, however most disappointingly only six had been completed, leaving four untouched.  Had not a jot of time to complete them, however positively determined to catch up, said with a General's resolve to Horseface,
"Start filling in random words - don't worry about the clues!".

This duly undertaken, Horseface and I looked proudly at table spread with crosswords, completed of a fashion.  Thanked Horseface warmly for her help.  Said was sure Mrs Payne would be grateful.  At this Horseface said had better not say she was involved as might cause undue scrutiny regards answers.  Said on seconds though, unfortunately agreed.

Returned home to find Mrs Payne on verge of completing her crossword received today.  Said had some exciting news, as laid down pile of completed crosswords, carefully hiding incorrect ones at bottom of pile.  Mrs Payne positively elated, said with feeling,
"I say, Robert, you are clever!".

Helped Mrs Payne complete her last crossword, and with seven clues answered with questionable integrity, entire pile of 15 crosswords complete.  Mrs Payne looked on this with pleasure, saying with pride,
"I can't believe I completed them all!".  At this Mrs Payne got up from table, carefully holding crosswords, before letting them fall like leaves into kitchen bin.  Said incredulously,
"What are you doing!", to which Mrs Payne said nonchalantly,
"Oh, I always throw away crosswords when they're done!".

Thursday, 16 August 2012

Day 204 - lunch

Mrs Payne most excited at mid-morning tea.  Exclaimed with pride, did I know Olympic torch was passing by soon?  Was terribly exciting, was it not!  Said was sorry to say, this positively weeks ago.  Mrs Payne most disappointed at this, said was still catching up.  Said with some annoyance would write to Downing Street when explained to her when torch would next be back.

Avoiding fearful tirade regards lack of consideration regards Olympics in Britain, so more writing in my office.

Following on from yesterday's entry regards hotel restaurant, bound to say did not return again.  This most annoying, as was awfully hard to find alternatives, as either fearfully expensive, or menus caused much argument as to not being a jot that one liked, might we go elsewhere?

Settled one night on altogether expensive place, following laborious search.  Decided would altogether avoid champagne, agreed would share bottle of wine.  This agreed upon, set about reading menu.  All looked positively delightful, with quite delicious sounding descriptions such that could very well have ate menu itself if ravenous.  After some perusal all decided, with waiter taking our order.  Mrs Payne, last to order, queried as to lobster.  Could waiter tell her about it.  By the by, did market value mean had to buy it herself?

Most impressed as waiter utmost professional, said lobsters bought fresh, as such cost was from fisherman.  Mrs Payne most impressed at this, said was altogether expensive, but hated middlemen fearfully!  Adjacent table looked around at this in amused confusion, to which Mrs Payne repeated in synopsis,
"Middlemen!  Fearfully!".

Mrs Payne most excited having ordered her lobster, said was an awful lot, a whole lobster, did they not serve part?  At this all were most nervous.  Said carefully to Mrs Payne was whole lobster, because was served whole.  At this Mrs Payne looked altogether serious, said with concern,
"You mean, whole?  With his overcoat on and the lot?".  Replied with dismay that may very well have his top hat on also.
At this Mrs Payne turned instantly, said at volume,
"WAITER!".
Four waiters having turned around, one serving our table came over.  Heard Mrs Payne's request regards cancelling her order, to which waiter was terribly sorry, had already been put in.  Was altogether confused regards request to "take his overcoat off", said would be happy to take alternative, but was terribly sorry, would have to charge for lobster.
Mrs Payne most excitedly said what a terribly treat!  Might anyone like her delicious lobster in exchange for their dish!  Not ashamed to say looked away ever so casually at this, as did remainder of table, including waiter.  All slowly returned their gaze to Mrs Payne, looking ahead despondently.  Waiting some moments, waiter continued,
"Very good.", and left by Mrs Payne a shell cracking contraption such that might see in nineteenth century dentistry next to Mrs Payne's knife.  Mrs Payne picked up this item, looking one by one around table, and returning her gaze to shell cracker, said with quiver,
"Oh dear.".

Day 204

Mrs Payne altogether let for breakfast this morning, presumably from lack of sleep night before. As such had some time to look at progress of her crosswords. Had neat little pile of six completed. Thought this most productive. Picked up yesterday's newspaper to read over breakfast.

Mrs Payne appeared presently saying was terribly sorry, had overslept! At this other half most scorning regards having coffee. Helping herself to toast, asked Mrs Payne rather carefully, by the by, how many crosswords were in newspaper? Looking not a jot up from her toast, Mrs Payne replied with some annoyance, was obviously one, and would I mind putting yesterday's back where it came from, had "a system".

Handed newspaper back to Mrs Payne, saying might she look on page 19. Doing so, Mrs Payne most bewildered, gasped rather at such shock early morning, and putting head in hands, as one quite unable to cope with such stress, Mrs Payne exclaimed with woe,
"They've put two crosswords in!".

Presently checked remainder of newspapers. Apparently publisher thought adage "give them what they want" applied in abundance to crosswords, since start of this week, had been printing two rather than one.

Grabbing envelope in fury, Mrs Payne began working out her progress, quite cut me as I said was terribly simple to work out, might I. Mrs Payne scribbled furiously as said under her breath,
"Six... Four... Five... Carry the three...".

Mrs Payne looked up hopelessly at other half and I, said with dejection,
"I'm back where I started!".

Wednesday, 15 August 2012

Day 203 - lunch

Mrs Payne in quite fearful mood at lunch, said with some frustration was positively outrageous, had received another newspaper today with crossword! This altogether ignored, as bound to say am fearfully tired myself. Said was going back to office to write. As such shall continue Mrs Payne's woeful antics.

Bound to say champagne altogether delightful, rather too much so, as had quite two bottles. This Mrs Payne positively revelled in, with waiters flying to and fro keeping her happy. Other half said quietly to mother, was sure champagne fearfully expensive here, might we see about some moderation?

All positively sloshed as finished third bottle of champagne, or as other half and Horseface were repeating, through some giggles,
"Lovebly champanagne!".

Mrs Payne remained regal throughout, as one trying to be altogether inconspicuous to her onlookers. Was altogether annoyed as couple came in from patio, said waiter was awfully cold, might there be table inside for dessert? At this waiter said was terribly sorry, was dealing with another guest, at which quite cut the couple, brought Mrs Payne bill. This evidently fearful shock, as said quietly to herself,
"I say!".

Waiter altogether polite regards waiting on signature. Cold couple stood waiting with some annoyance, at which waiter said with air of superiority,
"Do you mind waiting on the patio? We don't want a crowd.". Bound to say cold couple rather did mind waiting, were paying guests, was quite outrageous! At this waiter most superior, said hotel liked to look after its more prominent guests, might they please wait on patio? Most annoyed, cold young lady said with some contempt,
"Why, who do you think this is?".
Silence fell over table, and bound to say "champanagne" wore off in an instant as all held their breath in horror. Seeing all eyes on him, waiter shuffled rather, said indignantly,
"It's Susan Boyle!".
Felt altogether sick as silence returned, before cold couple broke into raucous laughter, saying with tears in eyes,
"If that's Susan Boyle, she's put on a bit!".
Mrs Payne positively shook with rage, and having steeled herself, said fury,
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM!". At this cold young lady continued laughing, said with amusement,
"No! Who are you!".
At this Mrs Payne shook in further anger, looked around rather in panic, saying in disbelief,
"Well! I'm...! This is OUTRAGEOUS!". At this stood up, quite knocking ice bucket over waiter, promptly stalked out of restaurant leaving open-mouthed guests in wake of astonishment.

Settled bill in much discomfort as all at our table most remorseful. Other half said with despondence,
"Lovebly champanagne.".

Day 203

Had quite frightful night's sleep. Mrs Payne still determined regards crosswords, despite other half saying would be as well to throw them away. Would think from response from Mrs Payne that daughter had suggested banning biscuits. As such, Mrs Payne asked late evening would I like a coffee, would have one herself by way of staying awake. Other half advised against, was terribly silly having coffee, was late already! Said I agreed wholeheartedly. By the by, I'd get the mugs.

Bound to say was most jolly having coffee in evening. Unfortunately rather less so as fearfully restless sleep. Went downstairs in small hours, having tossed and turned, to find Mrs Payne still at crosswords. Was terribly pleased to see me, said I could help! Would I like another coffee? Had one herself a while ago, positively boundless energy! This being rejected, Mrs Payne fired in rapid succession five crossword clues. Was terribly clever, doing five crosswords at once! Sure to catch up! Stood in silence for some moments with eyes half closed and feeling awfully grey, after which slowly shuffled out saying was going back to bed.

Sat at breakfast table this morning most lethargic. Said quietly to other half was quite right regards coffee. Quite worst idea ever conceived to have before bed. Other half shook her head rather, replied was getting rather late, might we wake her mother? Said would be delighted.

Mrs Payne quite leapt out of skin as other half and I said rather loudly at the same time,
"MRS PAYNE!", "MOTHER!". Mrs Payne jerked up from breakfast table, where head had been resting in slumber, cut out crossword neatly stuck to her face, said in disarray,
"OH, I SAY! ALL TO STARBOARD!". Other half quite laughed herself silly. Said was altogether ridiculous could not get to bed, would not be having coffee again, had a good mind to take away crosswords! At this Mrs Payne, most disheveled, drew the crosswords into her arms, said with petulance,
"They're mine!".

Tuesday, 14 August 2012

Day 202 - lunch

Mrs Payne still positively obsessed with crosswords, so once again avoiding her in office. As such shall continue regards holiday.

Most strange following Mrs Payne storming out of hotel restaurant. Returned next evening and altogether shocked as waiter carefully ushered us to quite delightful table, positively ignoring all but Mrs Payne, hoped table was suitable, and please do let him know if was anything not to her liking.

Waiter having charged off, Mrs Payne altogether nonchalant, said with disregard whilst reading wine list,
"I say, that waiter must know who I am.". All positively baffled by this, queried as to who she was. At this Mrs Payne most annoyed, said with quiet exclamation,
"I say, you are fearful idiots! I was once secretary of the local W.I!", to which other half added quietly,
"Until she was caught withholding funds to buy more cake!".

All thought this positively hilarious, and waiter kept for quite some moments, politely waiting for us to provide him with order. Having ordered, Mrs Payne said to waiter had one more thing, might he see about moving couple at nearby table? Had been looking right at her for some moments, was most disconcerting. Was certainly one to 'love thy neighbour', but really, had clearly not dressed for dinner. Might he see about giving them five pounds and sending them to somewhere more appropriate?

Bound to say waiter ever so polite regards informing Mrs Payne, by the by, were paying guests in hotel, however would see what he could do. After some quiet words with couple, Mrs Payne most pleased, as couple were presently moved to patio area. At this Mrs Payne smiled rather, said with some exasperation,
"Some people!", adding after some moments, "I say, I fancy champagne.".

Day 202

Mrs Payne positively unbearable last night over dinner. Said with pleasure had little surprise for other half and I. Most dismayed to find was crossword, might be solve over dinner and have it back to her afterwards? Other half much displeased at this, said work had been quite fearful, was not being put to work at home, crossword could be hanged.

Set about repeating other half's speech, quite cut off by Mrs Payne, said had provided a pen next to soup spoon, might I stop dilly dallying?

Other half positively silent over dinner as I scrutinised crossword. Bound to say was fearfully difficult, didn't know how Mrs Payne managed. Queried as to clue, seven letters, starting P, young man with letters after his name. At this Mrs Payne said with amusement,
"I say, Robert, you are a fearful idiot! It's postman!". Begged her pardon, was not sure that was it. This duly ignored.

Bound to say crossword ever so much fun having disregarded logic. For clue, four letters, starting W, keeps one warm, put w-i-n-e. For clue, five letters, starting P, most unwelcome, put p-a-y-n-e.

Handed crossword back to Mrs Payne with some amusement. Most concerned as Mrs Payne looked at it rather, then said carefully,
"I say, Robert, you must think me quite stupid! Pain has an I not a Y!". Choked rather as said in surprise, how silly of me. Mrs Payne quite ignored this, repeated as she correct it,
"That's right. P. A. I. N. E. Perfect.". Replied wearily, might we like a sherry?

Monday, 13 August 2012

Day 201 - lunch

Altogether avoiding Mrs Payne at lunchtime, was positively barraged with crossword questions at mid-morning tea. Today's newspaper had arrived, and Mrs Payne quite frantic with surprise.

Feel I should write more about holiday, seeing as have some time available, hiding in office.

Bound to say start of holiday altogether awkward. Did not travel with Horseface and boss, although had said to meet them in hotel lobby after arrival. Mrs Payne appeared wearing headscarf and sunglasses such that would think her movie star. Other half most annoyed as mother said in hushed excited tone,
"I don't want to holiday with fearful Horseface. Pretend I didn't come and you don't know me! I'm undercover!". At this Mrs Payne sat in adjacent seat in lobby, looked away mysteriously, and presently opened her copy of Prima.

Horseface and boss arrived thereafter, greeting us with much excitement, and immediately saying in surprised unison,
"Hello Bitty, so glad you came!".

In defiance, Mrs Payne kept sunglasses on for entirety of evening meal, despite room altogether dim in lighting, and further seeing not a jot of what was on the table. Other half insisted they be taken off, as Mrs Payne picked up little vase in lieu of wine glass, jumped rather as got face full of tiny flowers, exclaiming quietly,
"Oh, I say!".

Horseface, boss and I thought it terribly amusing. Dessert came and all looked in amusement as Mrs Payne dipped spoon into her creme brûlée, said with some disappointment, was rather under-done. At this each fought to reply, with me winning, saying to Mrs Payne ever so casually,
"I say, is it a bit grainy? I think that's the sugar bowl.".
Mrs Payne much annoyed at this. Said would take her creme brûlée in room. Good evening. At this Mrs Payne got up with much indignation, felt carefully for her creme brûlée, quite stormed out of restaurant fearfully knocking poor young woman sat at table near door, saying loudly as she collided,
"I say, do you mind! Get out of my way, you bounder!".
Bound to say all at our table quite horrified by this and altogether shrank at ensuing silence, during which man at nearby table said quietly to wife,
"I say, she must be someone famous!".

Day 201

Other half altogether disinterested in work this morning. Said optimistically was feeling rather under the weather, might she stay at home instead? Positively bundled her out of door, saying was absolute nonsense, should get to work and would do the same myself! Have a good day!

Sat down with toast as Mrs Payne pored over quite pile of newspapers for crosswords. Suggested next time might stop papers whilst away. Mrs Payne looked up with some annoyance, said seriously,
"Don't you have work?". Replied was eating my toast, by the by, had seconds in toaster, was fearfully slow. At this Mrs Payne queried as to being altogether wise to eat toast in office, ever so time saving. Said was most ridiculous thing had ever heard. Could she pass the butter?

Mrs Payne most frustrated by newspapers. Said with exasperation,
"I say, it's going to take two weeks to get through these!". Explained in two weeks' time, two more weeks would have arrived! Mrs Payne most baffled by this, queried carefully,
"I've already got two weeks', how can we get more?". Set about buttering my seconds as asked Mrs Payne, what about today's newspaper? At this Mrs Payne held up newspaper from some days ago, said with confusion, was doing this one. Looked at Mrs Payne with quite some silent wonder as she shook newspaper rather, said with assurance,
"This newspaper today!". Replied on second thoughts, would take toast upstairs.

Monday, 6 August 2012

Holiday - The Flight

Had jolly nice holiday so far.  Found a little Internet cafe and thought would write diary entry whilst Mrs Payne argues with hotel attendant as to why her sun lounger was moved from yesterday.

Bound to say had quite frightful events at airport.  Other half had warned mother ever so seriously regards bringing sharp objects and suchlike in carry-on luggage.  Positively died of embarrassment as going through airport scanner security personnel said awfully sharply to Mrs Payne as to having liquids in her bag.  Mrs Payne most indignant about this, said had jolly well not!  Followed quite some argument as to being able to look in Mrs Payne's bag, with some reference to be being a "fearful liberty".  After some rummaging, security chap retrieved bottle from bag, at which Mrs Payne said with annoyance,
"That's not liquid!  That's brown sauce!".

Boarding plane Mrs Payne made quite some point as to talking with pilot, holding up entire line in process, to which was most annoyed myself.  Said he was terribly dashing, might she see the cockpit?  This having been respectfully declined as to security, Mrs Payne made her way into the plane, finding seat.  Other half most shocked at this, said with some emphasis,
"Those aren't our seats.".  At this Mrs Payne most confused, said with pleasure,
"I like this one!  I'm sure no one will mind.".

First class passenger rather did mind, as did stewardess, might she go to her own seat?  Mrs Payne got up with some annoyance, said was negotiating.  At this said to chap, ever so polite regards his seat, would her copy of Prima change his mind?  Had barely touched the crossword!  This duly turned down, Mrs Payne adding with regret,
"I could offer you something else, but those bounders took my brown sauce!".

Other half positively certain was the law regards not changing seats in aircraft.  Said in hushed tone this decidedly rough, why was I sitting next to Mrs Payne?  Had the arm rest up, was taking up quarter of my seat!  Positively furious as other half stifled giggle behind her hand, as Mrs Payne shuffled rather, said with some annoyance,
"I say Robert, these seats are positively microscopic!  Might you move over a bit!".

...

Other half and Mrs Payne have come in.  Argument with hotel staff apparently not altogether successful, have been declared "bounders", as such might we go to beach.  Shall write more another time.