Friday, 17 August 2012

Day 205 - lunch

Shall complete diary entry regards Mrs Payne's lobster before returning to regular diary entries, now Mrs Payne no longer involved in excessive crosswords.

Bound to say all astounded as lobster brought to table, with Mrs Payne quite frantic.  Gripping her cracker tightly she stared as the beast as the rest of our meals brought to table.  All started to eat, with Mrs Payne continuing for some moments to merely her meal.  Steeling herself, she tapped lightly on the body, saying as she did,
"Is anyone in there?".  All at table looked at her, at which she said with relief,
"It's cooked then!".

Putting knife down, boss some most useful instructions by way of pointing as to what appendages were which.  At this waiter came over, said with concern, was everyone okay?  Mrs Payne replied brightly,
"Oh yes!  We're getting along famously!", at which Mrs Payne tapped shell with her cracker, adding,
"Aren't we, Shelly?".

Waiter having left Mrs Payne to her tapping, boss continued with advice as to pulling claws off, tail and suchlike.  Bound to say was altogether glad it was Mrs Payne, and found it most amusing to watch from other side of table.  Other half to left of Mrs Payne and Horseface to right, rather more concerned.  Horseface positively furious as boss said by way of encouragement,
"That's it!  Give the tail a jolly good pull!".  At this Mrs Payne stared fearlessly, grabbed the beast, and having applied quite astonishing pressure, loosed her grip, jolted Horseface's fork, at which Horseface's laden fork quite leapt out of hand, scattering risotto over tablecloth.  Horseface turned fearfully red as said ever so slowly to Mrs Payne,
"Quite alright dear, think nothing of it.".  Resuming her fork, Horseface subtly moved away from Mrs Payne, before nervously looking amongst her fellow guests to check if spotted.  Gave her beaming grin, at which she looked away sheepishly.

Mrs Payne positively delighted with progress, said with excitement,
"Oh I say!  I can see some meat!  Better switch to the fork!".  All ate with much contentment, with Horseface occasionally gathering one or two more grains of risotto from table, and Mrs Payne busying herself with little fork.

Bound to say all fearfully bored as waiter took away our plates, leaving only Mrs Payne in quiet bliss eating her lobster.  After had finished tail, Mrs Payne altogether despondent.  Asked boss, did he think there was any more in the beast?  Boss exclaimed was positively bucket loads, might she pick up her cracker?

Even at opposite side of table, winced fearfully as Mrs Payne held lobster claw in vice-like grip between crackers, teeth gritted and eyes shut as pressed with all her might.  Gasping, she gave up, said whilst catching her breath,
"I say, I think I need bigger crackers!  Let me try again.".  Correcting her grip, Mrs Payne resumed her attempt, after which slooshing sound revealed claw quite exploded into two pieces, with majority landing neatly on her plate.  Mrs Payne picked up her fork, said with delight,
"I think I'm getting the hang of this!".  Other half had quite frozen beside her mother.  Slowly retrieving her napkin from table, said rather quietly,
"I believe this is yours?", at which other half retrieved remainder of claw from her lap, said had only made smallest of marks on dress, not to worry.

Was quite midnight by time Mrs Payne had finished.  All at table awfully tired as waiters looked on with bored annoyance.  Mrs Payne asked again with disappointment, might there be any meat left?  Boss said decidedly, there was not.  Table positively covered in debris, from Horseface's risotto, to bits of shell and crumbs from bread had received by way of sustenance whilst watching Mrs Payne's lobster excavations for two hours.  Waiter looked almost furious as cleared Mrs Payne's plates, with a sigh, gathered tablecloth also, was sure this quite purposefully before we had left.  Having paid the bill all got up to leave, with Mrs Payne still elated by her evening's dining.  Other half positively mortified as Mrs Payne stood up, said in hushed tone,
"Look at your dress!", at which Mrs Payne looked down, chuckled rather as brushed off positive avalanche of tiny pieces of lobster onto carpet, smiled at waiter, visibly shaking with anger, as she said good evening.  Waiter positively gasped with horror as Mrs Payne said with child-like manner,
"Might we come back tomorrow for another lobster?".  Waiter replied quickly,
"WE'RE CLOSED.".

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