Friday, 30 November 2012

Day 225

Most annoyed to come down from office yesterday afternoon to find Mrs Payne having tidied not a jot.  Said as much, at which Mrs Payne most outraged, exclaimed in annoyance had tidied quite pile of newspapers!  At this looked towards front door, seeing three old newspapers carelessly placed such that front door could not open.  Mrs Payne most displeased as told her to move them, at which by way of demonstration of quite adequate positioning, Mrs Payne opened door with fearful speed, promptly scattered newspaper sheets across floor.  At this Mrs Payne most annoyed, said with surprise,
"Look at the mess you've made!"

Cleared away newspapers by way of keeping peace as well as various other items such that pleased to say place looked altogether better.  Mrs Payne helped not a jot, and bound to say quite considerable amount of her mess still remained.  Warned other half not to be trifled with, at which Mrs Payne laughed rather, said would put daughter over her knee!  Said with concern would likely be other way around.

Most pleased with afternoon's efforts regards tidying, returned to work.  Heard other half coming home, exclaiming as opened front door,
"What the bally!"
Went downstairs to find newspaper sheets scattered over floor and other half looking frightfully annoyed.  Mrs Payne exclaimed nonchalantly,
"Oh, I found a few more newspapers" and before had quite time to react, added "Robert told me to put them there!"  Fearfully annoyed at this, saying with surprise,
"I say, what the devil!"  Other half positively furious, stalked over newspapers to kitchen, one sheet getting stuck on shoe, saying at quite some volume,
"Get rid of those newspapers!"  Asked Mrs Payne if she would be putting daughter over her knee now, or later, to which received worried reply, she thought perhaps not.

Had miserable dinner, other half still most displeased and Mrs Payne altogether petulant regards tidying.  Mrs Payne exclaimed had been working terribly hard all day.  Shook head ever so subtly by way of indicating otherwise.  Most surprised as Mrs Payne evidently saw this, exclaiming as turned bright red,
"Judas!"

Following terribly quiet evening, other half altogether more reasonable this morning.  Said to mother would be terribly kind of her to vacuum, have always thought her quite expert in this regard.  This reluctantly agreed to, and heard mid-morning the vacuum cleaner on.  After barely moments of operation machine noise duly stopped, and heard at fearful volume exclamation from Mrs Payne,
"Oh no, my ring!  You sucked up my ring, you beast!"
Went downstairs to find to Mrs Payne frantically manipulating every button and lever on vacuum cleaner, repeating in annoyance,
"You beast!"
Queried as to what happened, at which Mrs Payne explained with much agitation that vacuum quite had mind of its own, hose writhing fearfully.  Had battled it fearlessly for quite some minutes, after which had managed to get onto sofa and sucked up ring, put there whilst cleaning to keep safe.

Said with a sigh not to worry, would soon have it out, opened bag compartment, quite stuffed to the brim with dust, and having cast some aside, neatly retrieved ring nestling within.  Handed it to Mrs Payne with quite some pride, saying was really nothing.  At this Mrs Payne most grateful, said would soon clean up dust that fell out.  At this Mrs Payne tapped vacuum to ON with foot, at which positive cloud of dust escaped from opened bag compartment, covering Mrs Payne and I.  Followed loud and heated battle to turn the item off, with Mrs Payne tapping heavily with her foot, quite incapable of pressing OFF, and my hand quite being stood on by Mrs Payne in attempt to do the same.
"Oh, I say, you tamed the beast!" Mrs Payne said with a gasp, as finally managed to turn blasted machine off.  Looked around room at see every possible surface covered in dust, and bound to say Mrs Payne and I looked altogether like chimney sweeps.  Mrs Payne shook her dress, at which volley of dust escaped causing both of us to sneeze terribly.  Looking around room Mrs Payne most dismayed, queried carefully,
"Do you think she will notice?"  At this snapped vacuum cleaner door shut, and handing Mrs Payne hose, said in annoyance,
"YES."

Thursday, 29 November 2012

Day 224

Other half most displeased over breakfast, said was awfully embarrassed with state of house when boss and Horseface visited, was fright mess.  Didn't know how I could have let them in!  Most shaming!  Replied visit most unexpected, could not very well have left them on doorstep.  At this Mrs Payne said defiantly would have jolly well shut door in Horseface's face!  Bound to say found this terribly amusing.  Other half evidently not of same opinion.

Explanation regards unexpected visit most unsatisfactory, other half said should jolly well spend some time cleaning.  Said I rather agreed with this, was sure Mrs Payne would have time.  This vigorously denied, Mrs Payne saying was terribly busy, providing new issue of Prima by way of example.  This quite ignored by other half, said was sure we would both have some time.  Could start with Mrs Payne's laptop items, cast aside in dining room.  Most annoyed as Mrs Payne and I said in unison,
"It's not my mess!"  Other half quite furious at this, declared place "like a bally jumble sale", promptly went to work with quite unnecessarily heavy use of front door.

Said to Mrs Payne was most unfair to have upset daughter, really her mess quite terrible, might she start and would see about helping at lunch.  Mrs Payne declared would start presently, at which flicked open magazine, asked casually,
"Any more tea?"

Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Day 223

Left coffee shop rather promptly yesterday following Horseface's awful behaviour.  Further to this, most displeased regards Mrs Payne's story, worked entire afternoon in some annoyance.

Coming down before dinner heard knock at door, most surprised to see boss and Horseface on doorstep.  Boss exclaiming with surprise,
"Oh, hello Robert!  Nice to see you!"  Exclaimed were not expecting them, at which boss explained carelessly,
"Just thought we'd visit!"  Found this most concerning as had not an morsel of food to offer them for dinner.  Invited them in all the same, and were sitting in lounge as Mrs Payne tottered in.  At this quite realised their visit, saying to boss with some annoyance,
"I assume you're here to read Mrs Payne's story?"
At this boss said in rather nonchalant surprise,
"Story!  I say Bitty, have you written a story!  I hadn't heard a word about it!  Have I dear?"  Horseface most in agreement with this, looking altogether nervous.  Waited with some annoyance as Mrs Payne received quite some praise from Horseface, describing it finally as,
"Quite the most hilarious of biographies of Robert you might ever find!"

Mrs Payne rummaged in her bag for printed copies.  Concern of providing dinner quite disappeared as heard with delight Mrs Payne's printed copies quite gone, saying with despair,
"I must have left them in the coffee shop!"  Boss and Horseface most distraught at this, until boss said optimistically,
"Oh, but you must have a computer copy!"  At this Mrs Payne said with pride,
"Oh yes, my lapbob, Bertha!"  Bound to say was quite astonished by naming laptop, as all stalked into dining room to see about story.  Mrs Payne opened lid to find power quite absent, as she explained to boss and Horseface's amusement,
"Bertha's sleeping."

Dining room quite filled with excitement as laptop woke up having been plugged in for charging.  Boss and Horseface quite held their breath as Mrs Payne carefully opened the document, revealing to everyone's shock a solitary title and not a word of actual story.
"Where's my story, Bertha?" Mrs Payne asked with dismay as she fearfully worked the mouse by way of scrolling up and down single page.  Asked regards saving it, at which Mrs Payne quite baffled, saying with some annoyance had not faintest idea what was talking about.  Mrs Payne quivered rather as with last grain of optimism she lifted laptop up, and looking under it, found was not there.

Other half came home some time later, by which time quite avalanche of suggestions provided by boss and Horseface regards looking for autosave file, might it be in another folder, try pressing control, shift and V, was there copy, was it backed up, really should have backup, and suchlike exhaustively deluged on Mrs Payne, still in shock regarding Bertha's insubordination.  Hearing the disaster, other half most repetitive regards suggestions, with much frustration as to already having tried.  Eventually all realised it quite hopeless, looking most grave, with Mrs Payne crying out,
"My story!  Bertha you fearful lapbob!  My story!"

Was some moments later with all most solemn that I exclaimed brightly,
"Oh, what luck!" as all looked up hopefully.
"My story?" Mrs Payne asked with optimism.  Replied carelessly,
"No, I remembered we have some salmon for dinner!"

Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Day 222

Have finished Mrs Payne's story, and bound to say found it quite inferior to my own.  Queried number of spelling mistakes, promptly explained by Mrs Payne as "the lapbob's fault".  Son-in-law character rather tiresome, and most ridiculous in personality.  Said as much to Mrs Payne, seemed altogether unconcerned.  Compared to mine, other half found story quite hilarious!  Most displeased at this.

Mrs Payne asked over breakfast might we go into town this morning, would see about selling her story!  Begged her pardon, did not believe publishers to be in town.  At this Mrs Payne said I was a fearful idiot, was going to bookshops!  Queried as to printing and binding and such, explained my Mrs Payne as,
"Oh, I'm sure they will do all that!"

Sat with coffee as Mrs Payne tottered between bookshops, with Horseface inevitably coming in, saying brightly,
"No Payne today?"  Explained regards selling her story, at which Horseface agreed was certainly fearful.  Coming in some moments later Mrs Payne looked terribly red in face, saying with some annoyance bookshops had not least interest in her story.

Could see Horseface positively thrilled to the core as Mrs Payne carelessly got out her story whilst rummaging in bag.  Horseface querying rather casually, might she read a jot?  Mrs Payne altogether unsure of this, eventually handing it over, saying as she did, laptop certain to have made mistakes.

Was rather concerned as to other customers' hearing as Horseface positively rolled around the place with terribly shrill laughter reading Mrs Payne's story.  Received several annoying stares as Horseface exclaimed between tears about the hilarious goings-on.  Said did not know what was so funny, found story most ridiculous.  Struggling to breath, Horseface said whilst trying not to laugh again,
"I say Robert, it's you!  The son-in-law!"  At this she broke out again in fearful laughter, as said with some annoyance,
"I find it quite fearful."  At this Horseface exclaimed with delight,
"Oh!" and quickly flicking pages, quoted from the story with gruff diction,
"Ron said in annoyance, 'I find it quite fearful.'"

Furious.

Monday, 26 November 2012

Day 221

Had quite jolliest of weekends.  Mrs Payne locked herself in dining room to write book, venturing out only for meals and to complain could not read her own handwriting, asking with some annoyance what might this word be.  Other half and I baffled as to words, entire sentences quite cryptic.  Asked regards progress, at which Mrs Payne said was going terribly well!  By the by, Internet not working.

Sunday evening, Mrs Payne most ecstatic as I knocked on dining room door asking if she would like sherry.  Exclaimed with much pride had just this moment finished her novel!  Asked if I could print it such that other half and I might read it?  At this Mrs Payne most nervous, said with concern,
"Certainly.  Don't you find characters remind one of oneself though!"  Replied to this I rather thought not.  At this Mrs Payne said gravely,
"Oh good."

Other half and I held our copies of Mrs Payne's novel, looking at each other rather despondently.
"I printed two copies, and hang the expense!" I said, as other half positively choked with laughter on her sherry.  Fanning the ten unbound pages, said to Mrs Payne carefully,
"Is it rather short for a novel?"  Mrs Payne most affronted by this, declared printer must have missed pages.  Handing my copy to Mrs Payne, she rummaged through it with annoyance, as other half said kindly,
"Well, they are big pages!  How many words are there?"  Mrs Payne rather calmed by this, said brightly,
"Oh, positively millions!"

My copy having been returned, I read the cover page again:

"INSPECTOR ELIZA POON
  IN THE CASE OF

"THE SON-IN-LAW'S DISAPPEARANCE"

Continued to first page as other half did the same, saying with concern,
"Oh look, it's all in capitals."
"Oh yes" Mrs Payne said with interest "I found how to turn that off though, so it's only the first half."

Friday, 23 November 2012

Day 220

Mrs Payne quite impossible regards her book.  Queried on numerous tea-making excursions how book was going.  On each occasion Mrs Payne said was going terribly well!  By the by, had I see this hilarious picture of a cat?  Mrs Payne most disappointed I was not interested, at which received detailed description of the photos, ending with a much giggling and "Fancy!"  Begged her pardon, this rather noisy, could hear same reaction for every photo from office. Was called a stick in the mud.  Furious at this.

By evening Mrs Payne evidently had no progress regards book, steeled herself and said she would concentrate on it fearfully.  Other half most amused, printed photo of kitten hanging on washing line, adding title,

HANG IN THERE, BITTY!

Mrs Payne quite tickled by this, laughed for quite some minutes with other half.  Said I didn't see what was so funny.

Clutching her "lapbob" and photo, Mrs Payne went into dining room, saying with determination,
"I'm writing.  I should like sherry later, however."  Mrs Payne shut door indignantly as I gave her reply,
"Glad to be of service."  Other half most amused at this, said I was silly.  Both laughed rather, causing Mrs Payne to open door, saying with annoyance,
"Do you mind?  I'm writing!" and looking back into dining room, added "isn't that right Mr Tiddles?"
Other half most curious at this, was Mr Tiddles a character?  At this Mrs Payne said nonchalantly,
"Oh no, Mr Tiddles is the kitten in the photo", promptly shut door.

Thursday, 22 November 2012

Day 219

Found Mrs Payne sitting at breakfast table this morning altogether early on laptop.  Mrs Payne barely looked up as said good morning, however exclaimed with delight,
"I wasn't sure the Internet would be working at this time, but it is!  Fancy!"

Mrs Payne not a jot of help with breakfast, however once had got everything ready, queried might I show her how to write book?  Loaded word processor and said she should save document so not to lose it, what was the title?  Bound to say other half quite raucous in laughter as Mrs Payne said warily,
"Title? .. 'Inspector Eliza Poon in the case of The Son-in-laws' Disappearance'.  It's a mystery!"  Replied it didn't sound like much of a mystery to me.

Other half still laughing as left house, positively bellowing down my ear as kissed goodbye.  Suggested as she walked down drive I should watch my back for fear of "disappearing".  Rolled eyes at this, and promptly heard Mrs Payne exclaiming from kitchen,
"Oh no!  My book is gone!  Robert!"  Could see it would be long day.

Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Day 218

Bound to say Mrs Payne positively thrilled to the core as she opened brown parcel other half had brought home, saying with delight,
"A little lapbob!  Is it for me?"  Declared it certainly was, although was called laptop.  This quite ignored by Mrs Payne as she tottered off to find glasses.
"Might I have a go before dinner?" Mrs Payne shouted, with childlike eagerness.

Other half cooked dinner as I helped Mrs Payne regards her "lapbob".  Having set it up, Mrs Payne produced her grubby twenty pound note, asking carefully, might she be able to buy some Internet?  Declared this quite unnecessary, had already paid for Internet.  At this much discussion ensued upon how much of Internet was available, with questions such as "what, all of it?", "really, all of it?" and "I say, all of it?"  Answers in equal repetition "yes, all", "yes, all of it" and "yes, I've said, all of it".  Was about to continue discussion, explaining merits of free Internet society, however was bluntly cut off by Mrs Payne, saying with some annoyance,
"Do you mind?  I'm Interneting."

Other half most displeased to find I had set up Mrs Payne's laptop on dining table, exclaiming as she held two hot plates,
"This isn't a bally Internet cafe!"
Laptop having been unceremoniously shut by other half, had dinner, with Mrs Payne saying throughout was ever so pleased with her laptop, to think, had all of Internet!  Explained had rather got it so she could type her book.  Mrs Payne seemed altogether lacking in memory of this, saying finally,
"Oh yes, the book.  I'll do that right presently.  When I'm finished with the Internet."

Tuesday, 20 November 2012

Day 217

Mrs Payne most insistent regards returning to coffee shop today.  Said it altogether helped with her writing.  Most unsure about this, as rather busy with work, however agreed such that would take along laptop computer.  Mrs Payne most impressed with this, said could perhaps get laptop herself for typing book!  Replied dismissively this certainly possible as Mrs Payne held up our departure rummaging in purse.  Bringing out a unimaginably crinkled bank note, Mrs Payne said optimistically,
"Will twenty pounds be enough?"

Had just setup my laptop at coffee shop when Horseface walked in, saying with delight had not seen each other in a positive age!  Mrs Payne mumbled rather as she continued writing.  Most displeased as realised work quite impossible, shut my laptop.  Horseface terribly interested in Mrs Payne's writing, however this altogether ignored by Mrs Payne.  As such explained endeavour myself.  Mrs Payne positively furious as Horseface looked over to glean something from the writing.  Horseface most disappointed by this, queried with curiosity what Mrs Payne was writing on.  Was just preparing carefully worded reply as Mrs Payne put down her pen, and ignoring her writing, gave quite some thesis on concept and execution of my work, to Horseface's delight, declaring it in conclusion the work, "quite fearful".  Terribly embarrassed by this review so went to see about coffee.  Mrs Payne having requested cake, echoed in an amused hushed tone,
"Quite fearful!"  Bound to say was most surprised returning with coffee, had quite forgotten to buy cake!

Mrs Payne continued writing in some annoyance following lack of cake, as Horseface and I chatted.  Found it most curious, as Horseface and I would talk, Mrs Payne wrote furiously, and upon moments of silent, Mrs Payne quite motionless.  Made quite some point of talking ever so fast at points, with Mrs Payne quite frantic in keeping up.  Most annoyed at this, queried outright to Mrs Payne, was she writing down our conversation?  Mrs Payne still most displeased regards lack of cake, said indignantly,
"I shouldn't find your conversation the least bit interesting", adding as she held her pen, "by the by, what did you just say?"

Sunday, 18 November 2012

Day 216

Weekend quite fearful with Mrs Payne writing novel.  Bound to say other half and I certain to have written as much ourselves, following avalanche of queries regards title, and asking on numerous occasions as to spelling of words.  Made quite point of providing dictionary such that could find these.  Mrs Payne positively baffled by this, said how could she look word up if didn't know how to spell it?

Other half most ingenius as suggested trip to coffee shop on Sunday.  Quietly prepared to leave such that we might spring it upon Mrs Payne and make quick exit.  Other half positively furious as handle fell off my umbrella making fearful noise on floor, at which Mrs Payne emerged from kitchen querying where we were going.  Said would be delighted to join us, might she bring her writing?

Other half and I had quite some disagreement as Mrs Payne laboriously got ready, with other half blaming me terribly for making noise.  Replied it profoundly not my fault, other half had bought umbrella as gift!  Other half most dismissive of this, said it was one's duty for upkeep of one's umbrella.  Mrs Payne eventually ready, by which time other half and I quite silent in annoyance.  Seeing umbrella, Mrs Payne commented hoped I didn't mind, had borrowed umbrella to scare off stray cat earlier.  By the by, did I know handle broken?

Friday, 16 November 2012

Day 215

Other half and I have made cocoa for bed, found Mrs Payne still clutching her writing book with look of determination. Queried as I provided cocoa as to writing progress.  Most surprised as Mrs Payne said had ran out one pen already!  At this said she must have covered quite some pages.  Mrs Payne altogether dismayed to say she hadn't written a solitary word as she opened cover to reveal entire page densely packed with doodling.

Found Mrs Payne up early this morning, at breakfast table, evidently having made tea, on account of fearful mess and tea leaves lightly dusting half the kitchen.  Mrs Payne said brightly as I came in,
"I made tea, but I wasn't sure about 'one for the pot' and suchlike, so I did one for the pot, one for me, and put one in the bin just to be sure."  Said I would make a fresh pot.

Mrs Payne altogether secretive regards writing.  Queried as to progress and received not a jot of reply.  Looked over Mrs Payne's shoulder to reveal on exterior of book,

"BY MRS ELIZABETH PAYNE"

Queried again as to progress, to which Mrs Payne said with frustration,
"I'm sure I've got a book bound to positively pop out of me!"  Asked as poured tea if she perhaps had plot I could help with.  Mrs Payne said with disappointment had not got that far.  Asked what title might be, to which Mrs Payne replied in annoyance,
"That's what I'm working on!"  Book sure to be a triumph.

Thursday, 15 November 2012

Day 214

Sat with sherry after dinner as other half read story.  Mrs Payne was idly flicking through large print copy, positively determined to find other amusing elements.  As other half finished reading, Mrs Payne put down her copy also, saying with exasperation,
"I'm sorry Robert, I can't find anything funny.  Perhaps it was in the Radio Times?"  Begged her pardon, how might it be in the Radio Times?  At this Mrs Payne explained had being awfully hard going reading story, as such had picked up Radio Times on several occasions in between.  At this Mrs Payne picked up Radio Times, and flicking through, said with laughter,
"Oh yes, here it is.  Hilarious!"

Bound to say was awfully disappointed as other half rather echoed Mrs Payne's opinion regards story.  Still, was terribly clever to have written something!  Couldn't think of writing a word herself!  Looking at the bound, crumpled work with some concern, other half queried, by the by, might she have another sherry?

Sherry having been distributed, Mrs Payne evidently feeling effects.  At once Mrs Payne exclaimed over the silence,
"I say!  I might write a book!"  Other half said would look forward to reading it, and really was awfully clever.  Grumbled rather into sherry exclaiming that's what she said about mine.  Mrs Payne instantly looked around for something to write upon, as if book positively about to explode out of her.  Picking up my crumpled story, Mrs Payne flipped it backwards revealing leaves of blank paper, on account of being printed one-sided.  Grumbled rather at this, saying wouldn't happen to Wodehouse.  Other half rather started at this, saying kindly,
"You're not Wodehouse, dear."

Positively furious as Mrs Payne asked brightly,
"Might I have a pen?"

Wednesday, 14 November 2012

Day 213

Bound to say was awfully nervous coming down for lunch having handed over short story.  Found Mrs Payne having finished reading, said was terribly sorry, had sat on it.  Replied this quite alright, could keep large print edition.  Most displeased as Mrs Payne explained had sat on nicely bound copy.  Queried with some annoyance was not even reading that one!  Mrs Payne replied that's how she managed to sit on it.

Over lunch ventured for Mrs Payne's opinion.  Most pleased as received reply that she found some parts most amusing.  Spent quite some minutes as Mrs Payne flicked over pages, uttering as she did,
"This part is amusing.. wait, no it's not.. I'm sure it's in here somewhere!"
Ate toast with increasing despondency as Mrs Payne scrutinised the gigantic tome.  Having closed the work, Mrs Payne looked up, querying as she did,
"Perhaps I should put my spectacles on?"

Had all but finished lunch by the time Mrs Payne had found her spectacles and began searching for amusing parts once more.  Was making tea as Mrs Payne exclaimed in delight,
"Here we are!"  Presently Mrs Payne read out the line with fine broadcasting diction,

    "Joan was sitting in her room, shaking with annoyance as she knotted her jumper."

Mrs Payne added with amusement,
"Ever so funny!  Fancy, knotting a jumper!"  Bound to say was terribly disappointed with this.  Explained was rather less funny, as was simply spelling mistake of "knitted".  Mrs Payne looked most disappointed at this, saying with optimism after some moments of silence,
"I rather think you should keep it as knotted!"  Took tea to my office to correct spelling mistake, as heard Mrs Payne chuckling to herself,
"Knotted her jumper!"  Wish I hadn't bothered.

Tuesday, 13 November 2012

Day 212

Worked fearfully hard last night binding my project.  As such this morning presented neatly hand-bound folio to other half containing satirical short story I had written.  Other half awfully impressed by this and curious regarding its contents.  Explained it followed elderly lady causing mischief in nursing home.  Mrs Payne thought this most amusing, was sure the character quite fearful!  Other half coughed frightfully at this, saying some toast "got stuck" having turned red, adding between gasps, must have been awfully difficult to create the character.  Said I didn't have the faintest idea what she meant.

Other half said was terribly sorry, had not a jot of time to read story at lunch, was terribly busy at work, however would look forward to reading it this evening, and really I was awfully clever.  Mrs Payne eyed the work with much curiosity, and after several hints as to not knowing what she would do with herself today, said she could read it.  Mrs Payne delighted by this, immediately picked up the book and got butter on it.  Said she was terribly sorry, but in any event, the words positively microscopic, could my printer machine do larger?

Provided Mrs Payne with a loosely bound set of pages, quite double the thickness of previous due to gigantic font size.  Mrs Payne scrutinised the tome before querying with concern,
"This page has only got two words."
Mrs Payne declared herself quite silly as explained two words were title.  Reading title out loud Mrs Payne exclaimed with optimism,
"It's good so far!"

Monday, 12 November 2012

Day 211

First must apologise regards diary.  Have not written a word of late as have been working on alternative project!  Other half and Mrs Payne altogether curious about this, but bound to say have said not a jot about it.  Mrs Payne commented over breakfast she hoped it a puzzle book.  Newspaper puzzles terribly difficult of late.  Had taken to making her own clues - awfully fun!  Queried as to this being rather easy if already knows clue and answer.  Mrs Payne replied with pleasure was quite alright, forgot the answers ever so quickly!  Other half looked concerned.

No amount of badgering would reveal my project however, and I stole upstairs to office to finish it before work as other half set out for work.  Heard Mrs Payne saying carefully to herself as said goodbye.
"Six letters beginning C.  Pets..  Catdog!  Oh, that's a good one!"

Pleased to say project altogether finished, however will see about binding it.  Terribly glad to have completed it as Mrs Payne quite frightfully bored and causing mischief in home.  Most displeased to find her attempting to pull out washing machine on Friday, alerted by prodigious oofing.  Queried as to why washing machine was being pulled out, to which Mrs Payne said with some annoyance I was a fearful idiot, was retrieving her spanner!  No explanation given for use, but helped retrieve spanner.  Promptly confiscated it.  Mrs Payne furious.

Saturday, 3 November 2012

Come Back Gladys! - Part 7 of 7


There was much talk the morning following the turkey en-croute meal, albeit rather lethargic in its delivery on account of ill effects of the champagne.  A simple breakfast having been provided by Handy Dave, served on a stash of paper plates he had found.  Mrs Payne, Molly Faith and Suzanne Marr sat at their usual table in reasonably affectionate spirits.  Mrs Payne had seen to it there was a prodigious amount of toast and butter such that the usual bickering over etiquette and quantities was allayed.
"I say, I've been thinking about our meal last night" Molly Faith whispered, such that Mrs Payne and Suzanne Marr were both strained to hear and wildly interested.
"Yes?" Mrs Payne said with curiosity.
"Turkey, sprouts, cranberries and champagne.  It's like they were meant to be eaten together."
"Well, they were in the same place." Mrs Payne said with bafflement.
"What else was there?" Suzanne Marr said with concern.
Mrs Payne thought for some moments, and said carelessly, "oh, I moved a couple of cardboard boxes.  I think they had Christmas decorations in."
"Oh dear" Molly Faith said with dismay, as the three went silent.  Suzanne Marr was first to speak, saying with some annoyance,
"Looks like Christmas is cancelled!"

Mrs Payne and Molly Faith helped Handy Dave clear up, feeling altogether sick regarding the Christmas bounty.
"Handy Dave, when is Gladys returning?" Molly Faith said hopefully.
"She's back at lunch, thank God!" Handy Dave said as he piled the paper plates into the bin.  He looked around at the dirty trays and plates that had been mindlessly stacked without a care.
"Do you think Gladys will mind?" Handy Dave said innocently.
"Oh, not a bit!" Mrs Payne said brightly.  "I'm sure there's a dish wash-chine around here somewhere!  It'll be done in a jiffy, and we wouldn't want to use it without proper training."
Mrs Payne looked again at the odd jam tart still welded to the trays, upon which lay four bent knives.
"Such a waste", Mrs Payne said gravely.

Following Gladys' departure it was a habit that rather on the "Q-T", elevenses of toast were sought by Mrs Payne.  As such, she was in the kitchen, watching with delight the red glow of the toaster as she ate her first two slices of toast with not care in the world.  Handy Dave was trying to fix a cooker knob, which Mrs Payne had explained, by the by, had inexplicably come off.

"Merciful good Lord above!" Gladys shouted in an usually high pitch as she saw in fright the state of her usually spotless kitchen.
"Roy asked that I see about meals" Handy Dave replied by way of explanation.
Taking her coat, she found her usual peg occupied by dripping wet and slightly charred tea towel.  Gladys picked this from the peg, with both Mrs Payne and Handy Dave cowering rather as Gladys positively shook with rage.  Throwing the tea towel to the ground with a splat, Gladys hung up her coat, and barging back out of the door, Mrs Payne and Handy Dave heard her as she stormed away shouting
"Roy!"

Mrs Payne buttered her toast vigorously, caring not a jot for coverage and evenness, saying with unusual concern,
"Oh dear!"  With terrible nerves, Mrs Payne positively jumped as Gladys cannoned back into the kitchen with Roy Brooks in tow, shouting at quite some volume,
"Have you see the place, Roy!  What happened to the cook I booked!"
Roy Brooks said nothing for some moments, surveying the mess and mirroring Handy Dave's expression of a deer in headlights.
"I say, it is a bit messy, Dave!" Roy Brooks said, attempting to sound as calm as possible.
"I was going to start cleaning presently, Mr Brooks" Handy Dave said quietly.
"What's Mrs Payne doing in here?" Gladys queried sharply.
"Oh, she helped!" Handy Dave said proudly, adding by way of fairness, "we had several residents help!"
"You can't have just anyone cook!" Gladys exclaimed in shock, adding carefully "no slight intended, Mrs Payne."
"Mrs Payne was awfully helpful!" Handy Dave said with unwise braveness, adding earnestly, "she put the fire out!"
"Fire!" Gladys exclaimed loudly again, looking with fury at Roy Brooks.
"I say, it's not all that!" Roy Brooks said nervously.
"Right, that's it!" Gladys shouted, grabbing her coat.  "Dave!  Get this place clean!"
"Gladys!" Roy Brooks shouted as Gladys stormed out.  "Mrs Payne, help Handy Dave tidy up!"
Mrs Payne positively dropped her toast at this, shouting as she went,
"Come back Gladys!"

Next story will be published Monday 12th November 2012, 12pm UK

Thanks for reading.  Remember, I rely on your reactions (and comments) below to write more that you like!  Feedback, both positive and negative is greatly appreciated.

Thursday, 1 November 2012

Come Back Gladys! - Part 6 of 7


"I'm sure we're in for quite a treat.  I made a devil of a sauce!" Barry Green said proudly as he strolled from table to table, having been sent to 'front of house' to see about drinks.  The question having been answered on numerous occasions regarding if they might be eating before midnight, Barry Green regally asked regards drinks,
"I'm terribly sorry, we don't have many options for drinks.  Would you like water, or champagne?"  To which the residents fell over themselves to answer with delight,
"Champagne please, Mr Green!"

His duties having been fulfilled, Barry Green took his usual seat, exclaiming to those at his table,
"Profoundly capable women in there.  We're sure to have quite a treat."

In the kitchen, Mrs Payne was putting the finishing touches to the starter of prawns, also acquired from the treasure freezer.  Carefully loading the items onto a tray along with sauce, Mrs Payne entered the dining room, and seeing it only fit that Barry Green be served first on account of his help, went to his table.  Barry Green was in the process of repeating, as he often did, his earlier comment as Mrs Payne put down the starter, with him saying as she did,
"Profoundly capable women" before adding with curiosity, "I say, what the devil?"
"Prawn cocktail!" Mrs Payne said brightly.  "It was a fearful lot of work doing them all on my own!"
The whole table looked at Barry Green's starter, a tiny egg cup, elegantly piled with prawns.  After some moments of awe, Mrs Payne added without concern,
"Terribly sorry about the egg cups.  We're quite struggling for crockery.  By the by, I can only find two of the sauce bottles for us to share."  Having passed around the egg cups to the rest of the table, altogether silent as she did, Mrs Payne added as she clutched two bottles,
"Tomato or brown sauce?"

Barry Green steeled himself, exclaimed 'Dunkirk spirit!' silently to himself, and said kindly to Mrs Payne,
"Tomato please, Mrs Payne!"  At this Mrs Payne shook the bottle frightfully, and removing the lid, promptly dolloped a quite fearful amount of sauce over the tiny egg cup, causing it to topple over, with sauce and prawns a fearful mess on the table.  No amount of carefully righting the dish by Mrs Payne proved successful, and quite giving up, with her hand Mrs Payne scooped the saucy mess from the table onto the tray, and said with much embarrassment,
"I'm terribly sorry Mr Green, we don't have any spare."

Starters having been served, with rather more judicious use of sauce by Mrs Payne, events soon turned to the main course.  Mrs Payne was again on serving duty, as Suzanne Marr, Molly Faith and Handy Dave worked terribly hard in the kitchen taking the items out of the ovens.  There was an audible gasp as Mrs Payne appeared from the kitchen carefully balancing two exquisite looking dishes, presented on wooden boards, with a beautiful turkey en-croute, charred sprouts, and rich cranberry sauce, served in another tiny egg cup.  Holding the boards such that the whole room could see the dishes, there was much commenting on having never seen such delights.  These comments turned to surprise, as several people exclaimed,
"Mrs Payne!" as one of the en-croutes slide off the board and onto the floor.  The room was silent with dismay, but soon broke out in applause as Mrs Payne exclaimed with pride,
"Don't worry, we've got spare!" at which Mrs Payne promptly kicked the en-croute under a nearby sideboard.

Careful to avoid another disaster, Mrs Payne left Barry Green's table to last for the main, as countless dishes had been served to other tables, on ever more curious receptacles.  The first few were on wooden boards, then plastic chopping boards, and then jauntily arranged in soup bowls.  Coming to Barry Green's table, Mrs Payne served him last, whispering as she did,
"I'm terribly sorry about your prawns.  I gave you the best en-croute."
Barry Green looked down upon a quite perfect en-croute, with pastry golden brown and shining, including a prodigious amount of perfectly cooked sprouts, all neatly arranged in a colander.  Mrs Payne added brightly,
"Probably best to dip the sauce!"

Next part to be published Saturday 3rd November 2012, 12pm UK

Thanks for reading.  Remember, I rely on your reactions (and comments) below to write more that you like!  Feedback, both positive and negative is greatly appreciated.