Tuesday, 25 December 2012
Found Mrs Payne in kitchen again this morning, at which we said in unison,
Merry Christmas .. ! I've made pancakes!"
Mrs Payne altogether annoyed at this, grumbling as she stirred the batter,
"Fearful advent calendar."
After had feasted on many pancakes and cleared up quite terrible mess, to which Mrs Payne said she regretted nothing, set about our presents. Other half altogether pleased with her ear rings, held them up such that Mrs Payne gave appreciative murmur. Said I was a darling. Opening my large present, was most pleased with toaster. Exclaimed that Father Christmas' elves apparently quite experts at electrical goods. Warmly wished other half Merry Christmas.
Other half and I warily picked up Mrs Payne's presents, with instruction to open the tiny items together on account of being the same. Shared much surprise as each held an uncommonly well crafted bookmark of a smooth oval sliver of wood, each decorated with ribbon through a hole at one end. Mrs Payne flushed rather as we both exclaimed our appreciation. Looking at the item revealed it to be beautiful oak wood, with other half's quite an identical item. Most curious, said to Mrs Payne bookmark quite delightful, by the by, where did she find the wood? At this Mrs Payne explained brightly,
"Oh yes, you'll never guess! It was a ruler I found in the garage!"
At this other half and I held our bookmarks together to reveal remnants of my prized oak ruler. Mrs Payne evidently pleased with her efforts, said proudly,
"It was a 12 inch ruler, so you got 6 inches each!"
Could only laugh rather at this, queried with amusement, had she given me a bookmark, but taken away a ruler? At this Mrs Payne thought rather, said earnestly,
"Oh no! You've still got half of it!"
Declared our beautiful bookmarks well worth the sacrifice, and duly pleased, Mrs Payne set about opening her two cylindrical presents. Bound to say was most pleased as Mrs Payne opened them, saying with honest excitement,
"Oh I say! Mince! Oh, and another!" Other half rather less delighted by this, said kindly,
"You'll be able to add them to the two in the bottom cupboard!" At this Mrs Payne further excited, saying as she rushed to kitchen,
"I didn't know we had any left! Oh I say!" Returning moments later, Mrs Payne most dismayed, explained could find not a jot of mince. Bound to say was terribly guilty at this, explained nervously, by the by, had rather thought them lost, as such had given them as Christmas present. Other half thought this quite hilarious, said I looked guilty as a schoolboy, quite rolled around the room laughing. Mrs Payne most affronted, declared at volume,
"You owe me two mince!" Laughed rather nervously as said I would certainly provide them, to which Mrs Payne exclaimed, a-gasp with disapproval,
"What would Father Christmas say!"
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all my readers.
The Diary will return in the new year.
Monday, 24 December 2012
"Merry Christmas, Robert!" adding with excitement, "I'm making pancakes!" Sat down at table saying this quite delightful, noting with quiet dismay mess equal to last year's. Queried after some moments, by the by, was it not Christmas tomorrow? At this Mrs Payne chuckled as vigorously stirred pancake batter, gasping as face turned red with the effort,
"You are a fearful idiot, Robert. I opened my last advent calendar window today! Merry Christmas!"
Looked rather closely at kitchen calendar, and making quite certain, showed Mrs Payne the days, explaining carefully as to it being only Monday, was not Christmas until Tuesday. 24th was Christmas eve. At this bound to say Mrs Payne positively furious, exclaimed in annoyance advent calendar certain to have missed a day, was fearful outrage and would complain to the highest ranks of advent calendar company. Was about to query perhaps had made a mistake when Mrs Payne in much annoyance rinsed pancake batter down drain, as I exclaimed in horror, Mrs Payne saying with aggravation,
"No pancakes until Christmas!"
Bound to say had fearful morning cleaning up kitchen, with not a single pancake to show for it. Mrs Payne terribly grumpy throughout, reiterating the outrage of her faulty calendar upon numerous occasions. Other half suggested mid-afternoon could perhaps have drop of sherry for Christmas spirit. Said I thought this a terribly wise idea, and Mrs Payne also brightened up at suggestion. Most dismayed as opened drinks cabinet to find barely a drop remaining. At this Mrs Payne queried innocently, by the by, did we need to buy some more sherry?
Other half smiled rather at this, said perhaps mother would like to inspect particular present under tree. With some complaint and oofing Mrs Payne kneeled in front of tree, other half terribly shocked as Mrs Payne shook the present viciously, saying with delight,
"I wonder what it is!" Other half said knowingly, perhaps we might open it now? Mrs Payne altogether taken back by this, as if daughter has suggested theft of Crown Jewels. After some reticent minutes the present was opened, revealed a beautifully boxed bottle of sherry. Carefully removing the bottle from the box, all positively delighted with such a fine item. Mrs Payne put the bottle aside as carefully wrapped paper around the box as neatly as possible, saying as if a guilty child,
"Do you think Father Christmas will know?"
Friday, 21 December 2012
Was mid-morning as received knock at door. Went downstairs to find other half having paid the boy and sent him on his way, goose carefully placed on doorstep. Most surprised to have other half fearfully annoyed, exclaiming,
"Look at the size of the bally thing! I can't even lift it!"
Said this positive nonsense, set about taking it into kitchen. Bound to say was some truth in other half's evaluation on account of awfully painful back.
Goose having been set on table, all gathered around to admire it, although other half rather more of scorn than admiration. Other half said again in annoyance,
"Look at the size!" Admitted it was rather large, though was sure it would be delicious. Looking at the bird from some angles, Mrs Payne said with disappointment,
"I thought it would be bigger."
Other half altogether lacking in Christmas spirit said would have to see if it would fit in oven. At this with quite some pain I placed on largest baking tray. Mrs Payne most excited as carefully placed the tray into the oven, saying with satisfaction,
Was silent for quite some moments as sought words to confront this, saying finally with slow aggravation,
"We can't shut the oven door!" Goose gregariously poking itself out of oven, Mrs Payne thought would give some encouragement, attempting to shut oven door herself, saying with surprise,
"I say! The oven's too small!"
At this was terribly angry, saying at some volume,
"It's not the oven that's too small! It's the goose is too big!" adding after some moments, "I thought you said you knew about geese?"
Mrs Payne most affronted at this, exclaimed defiantly,
"I do know about gooses! I never said I knew about ovens!"
Goose having been returned to table, each of us turned to stare at fridge door, evidently with same thought. By way of defence, Mrs Payne exclaimed in annoyance,
"I never said I knew about fridges either!"
Thursday, 20 December 2012
Wednesday, 19 December 2012
"What's that bally racket in the background?" Bound to say other half terribly displeased to hear Mrs Payne having been given hammer. Said did not know who was worse - hammerer, or the one that provided it. Thought this altogether rough.
Queried carefully as to what to get for presents, at which other half said with some annoyance to get whatever got last year. Said could not possibly do this. Terribly inconsiderate. At this other half said happily,
"Quite alright, she's certain to have forgotten!"
Ended telephone call with much relief having arranged one of two presents required. Needed only to seek out what I got Mrs Payne, and think of other half's present. Most dismayed as used this very diary to find Mrs Payne's present. As noted:
Altogether hope Mrs Payne has forgotten of last year's present, as two tins still in cupboard. Certain not to add more to this horrifying stockpile.
Still two presents to get.
Tuesday, 18 December 2012
Gave Mrs Payne quite some scrutiny over breakfast regards what she might be in need of. Mrs Payne appeared a simple soul, needing but her spectacles, pen and newspaper. Realised with some annoyance had my nice pen. Queried this rather sharply, at which Mrs Payne said nonchalantly,
"Oh no, I've had it for years!" Nervously returned it to her bag.
Asked Mrs Payne might she like to come into town this morning to see about presents. At this Mrs Payne said would certainly not need to! Most annoyed as asked regards Mrs Payne having already bought gifts. Mrs Payne most amused in response,
"Oh no, I'm making mine. By the by, where is the hammer?"
Decided best not to go out this morning.
Monday, 17 December 2012
"Elves can't make toasters."
Friday, 14 December 2012
Went into town this morning to see about toaster. Had altogether little time for this with work, but positively sick of eating Christmas pastries. Mrs Payne said had fearful lot of Christmas cards to send, might she come along? Quite reminded me had one or two myself, so presently set off for town. Mrs Payne queried with excitement, might they have carols in town? Said this rather unlikely, children still at school. Mrs Payne most displeased at this, said incredulously,
"Children should be out on the street! Singing!"
Soon arrived at post office with something of headache on account of Mrs Payne's frightful carol singing in car to find post office queue quite to door with customers. Mrs Payne turned around, whispering with much frustration,
"It's full of old people!" At this middle-aged lady turned around, saying with annoyance,
"I beg your pardon?" Altogether looked other way as Mrs Payne said certainly did not mean her, adding kindly,
"Are you collecting your pension, dear?"
Lady having thankfully cut Mrs Payne, Horseface promptly came in, saying with aggravation at queue,
"Oh, I say!" before adding brightly, "oh, hello, you pair! Aren't we the couple-about-town!" Thought this terribly rude, and said as much, Horseface caring not a jot, asking what we were doing for Christmas. Explained were having goose, with Mrs Payne reaching out arms whilst exclaiming,
"It's this big!"
Presently invited Horseface and boss for Christmas, as Mrs Payne went to cashier. Said they would be delighted. Horseface rather distracted as provided details, looking over my shoulder and quite ignoring my question, saying,
"Oh dear!" At this promptly turned around to find Mrs Payne, saying in terrible annoyance,
"I should like to see the post master!" Young lady having explained was terribly sorry, post office had no post master, set about querying the matter. At this Mrs Payne explained with much drama that had seen about posting her Christmas cards, was quite 60 pence! Mrs Payne saying indignantly whilst positively shook,
"That's not the total! 60 pence each!" and by way of further embarrassment, exclaimed to her rather significant audience of customers and a delighted Horseface,
"60 pence each! I used to pay 2 shillings!" Returning her annoyance to cashier, was told it quite an outrage! Young lady said kindly it was rather a shock, and,
"Perhaps this gentleman could pay?" Was about to say was quite out of question when Mrs Payne altogether changed tune, saying in a calming diminuendo,
"Quite an out .. oh yes, that would be fine." Positively furious as cashier said brightly,
"37 pounds 80 pence, please!"
Thursday, 13 December 2012
"I haven't got the faintest idea where you're putting it!"
Grumbled rather over breakfast, with other half quite in agreement regards lack of space for goose. Mrs Payne left fridge gaping open as surveyed room for goose. After several minutes of moving items, uttering as such "if we just move .. no .. how about moving .. and this goes .." Mrs Payne came to realisation, gasping with this endeavour,
"I say, there's not an inch of room! We'll just have to eat the lot!"
Opening packet of pork pies, Mrs Payne promptly offered them around. Said thought of pork pie for breakfast quite revolting, would jolly well have toast as normal. Most dismayed as popped toaster down only to find not a glimmer of red glow. Seeing this as ate pork pie, Mrs Payne explained had toasted crumpet yesterday, got ever so stuck. By the by, would not recommend poking with butter knife in future, toaster got "a bit sparky".
Other half most shocked at this, said with fright,
"Mother!" Mrs Payne most unconcerned, explained knife had bone handle, quite safe. Sat down most annoyed at sabotaged toaster and found not a crumb of cereal. Mrs Payne presently held up packet, saying brightly,
Wednesday, 12 December 2012
"No-one would notice!"
In farm shop Mrs Payne positively dazzled by such fine food. Was thrilled to the core as young lady asked might she like little free sample of pork pie. Said regally she rather thought she would. Helped herself to three.
Most surprised as Mrs Payne said she knew thing or two about goose, might she select the bird? Replied did not have faintest idea myself, would certainly appreciate such help. At this Mrs Payne delighted, went straight up to counter, retrieving two more pork pie samples on way, as girl said with frightful rudeness,
"Oi!" Ignoring this, Mrs Payne exclaimed with pleasure,
"We'd like your biggest goose please!" Shop owner and I most displeased at such reckless purchasing, queried as to what variety. Mrs Payne pondered rather as she ate her pieces of pork pie, finally outstretching her arms by way of indication, and quite ignoring question, said optimistically,
"This big!" Shop owner did best by way of providing bird "this big", with Mrs Payne most pleased with the bird shown. Queried with concern on fitting in oven, as Mrs Payne said with delight,
"Oh yes, I know a thing or two about gooses!"
Tuesday, 11 December 2012
Stalked over to old couple's house, quite insistent that I might help them in with bags, could quite put one's back out! This promptly demonstrated as lifted bag and with yelp of pain said whilst withholding strong language,
"Goodness, I've put my back out!"
Helped old couple in all the same, grimacing fearfully in pain. Terribly shocked to find Mrs Payne in back garden, quite pressed against window looking in. Mrs Payne froze in shock, and by way of hoping did not see her, slowly moved to side of window out of view. Popping her head around some moments later revealed us still there, as old man shouted,
"Get out of our garden you devil! I'm calling the police!"
Evidently with some concern Mrs Payne gesticulated rather in way of not telephoning police, at which old lady exclaimed in horror,
"Such gestures! What a beast!"
Mrs Payne with some concern put hood down, revealing quite fearfully red face on account of heat, mouthing through window as old man put telephone down,
Opening window bound to say old man rather unhappy as to having Mrs Payne "trampling around the garden like a mad woman!" At this Mrs Payne terribly apologetic, said were some terribly suspicious characters about of late, and was terribly concerned someone was in garden. Old man rather unconcerned about this, looking down and saying with increduality,
"I say, where's your wellington!" Mrs Payne altogether calm at this, said nonchalantly,
In quite some rage, old man made quite some suggestion regards jolly well getting out of garden immediately, and could take wellington boot with her. Mrs Payne looked terribly annoyed, promptly tottered across garden as old man shouted out,
"Watch the pond cover!" All was too late as pond cover immediately sank under Mrs Payne's not insignificant weight, lowering Mrs Payne thigh deep into cold water, exclaiming in shock,
"Oh, I say! Oh I SAY!" Rushed outside to heave her out with fearful pain to my back, as Mrs Payne said in horror, clothes dripping with water,
"I've got water in my wellington!"
Old couple looked fearfully annoyed as watched me take Mrs Payne back across road, dripping all the way, me hunched over in pain, with my abandoned wellington in one hand and Mrs Payne's arm in other. Bound to say Mrs Payne positively furious, said with annoyance,
"There's something suspicious about them! Mark my words!"
Monday, 10 December 2012
"I'm being stealthy!"
Declared this most ridiculous, positively forbade Mrs Payne carrying on like this, would she please take off my coat, and what the devil was she doing in the house with my wellington boots? At this Mrs Payne most unconcerned, said as the slowly plodded to front door with terrible inconvenience of loose boots,
"I'm going to see about the old couple opposite's back garden. Shan't be long!" At this watched in astonishment as Mrs Payne sneaked across road towards suspicious old couple's house.
Made tea by way of calming nerves, at which with some shock telephone rang. Heart positively pounded as answered, expecting Mrs Payne telephoning from her "office". Most surprised to hear other half on telephone, saying, by the by, old couple from across the road may be over later. Had given her key whilst on holiday. Was next to our letter rack. At this begged other half's pardon, had seen lights on across road. Other half said carelessly,
"Oh yes, timed I shouldn't wonder. Anyway, they'll be back soon. Don't forget about the key!"
Put telephone down with some concern. Looked out of front window and saw barely a glimpse of Mrs Payne. Looking at lawn, saw solitary wellington, abandoned on old couple's lawn. Wherever Mrs Payne might be, she had a very wet stocking.
Saturday, 8 December 2012
Yesterday, took Mrs Payne's tea and biscuits to telephone box mid-morning. Altogether concerned would be seen by suspicious old couple, so walked ever so fast, carefully holding cup and saucer so would not see. Mrs Payne most pleased to see sustenance had been provided. Opened door to telephone box, saying brightly,
"Step into my office!"
Suggested in ever so polite way that would perhaps not fit in telephone box together. This quite ignored by Mrs Payne, saying in a hushed tone,
"Get in! Before they see you!"
Found telephone box altogether cramped, and Mrs Payne quite taking up most of it. Heart pounded fearfully as Mrs Payne exclaimed with concern,
"Someone's coming!" At this saw mother with pushchair, as Mrs Payne whispered,
Was quite fearfully squashed and could barely breathe as mother walked past, with Mrs Payne sipping her tea, and raising it, said brightly,
Mother having passed, opened door by way of getting fresh air, at which asked Mrs Payne regards progress of investigation. Mrs Payne said had seen not a glimpse, exclaiming after some moments
"Oh, I say! I did have two wrong numbers!" adding with disappointment "they didn't stay on for long though. Still, it's nice to have some company!"
Friday, 7 December 2012
"I'm certain they are up to something, scoundrels!"
"If only I could get closer."
"I'm spying from the telephone box!"
"I could see you too! I get ever such a good view! Might you bring tea and biscuits at elevenses?"
Thursday, 6 December 2012
"I see you didn't see me!"
Asked with quite some annoyance what was doing behind curtain, quite jumped out of skin. At this Mrs Payne exclaimed proudly,
Made tea as Mrs Payne took break from spying duties. Queried as to goings on, at which Mrs Payne said with curiosity would check notebook! At this Mrs Payne open notebook to page containing only date, reported back with disappointment,
"Not a sausage!" Begged her pardon, was it quite necessary to check notebook for that?
Mrs Payne exclaimed shortly that did not have time for idle tittle-tattle, at which quite disappeared into curtain again, tea and all. Was about to go back to work as heard muffled query from depths of curtain,
"I say, any biscuits?" Promptly got biscuits for myself, and sneaked upstairs as heard from curtain,
Wednesday, 5 December 2012
"Well there should be!"
Bound to say Mrs Payne looked fearfully tired this morning for breakfast. Explained had stayed up quite some time to see lights going on and off. Other half having gone to work, Mrs Payne shared her findings from her notebook, read entries as such,
"One forty five in the am, bedroom light: on
One forty six in the am, bedroom light: off
Two twenty four in the am, bedroom light: on
Two twenty five in the am, hall light: on
Two twenty six in the am, lounge light: on"
Begged Mrs Payne's pardon, was that all? At this Mrs Payne said with excitement,
"Oh no, there's more!" At this Mrs Payne flicked through pages of notes, at which read verbatim,
"Pair of tights, extra large
Five pack briefs, extra large
New umbrella, pink"
Declared this a regard odd turn of events. Mrs Payne looked altogether confused, before saying with concern,
"Oh I say, I am tired. Disregard that. It's my shopping."
Tuesday, 4 December 2012
"Wait a minute, I haven't taken the lens caps off. Oh yes, that's much better!"
Monday, 3 December 2012
Mrs Payne scrutinised hers carefully, as one might a difficult game of chess, as she uttered in apprecation,
"Oh yes, very nice!" Other half and I most amused at this, watched for some minutes whilst Mrs Payne continued, saying finally,
"Can I have one now?"
Gave Mrs Payne and other half quite some sharp words regards shenanigans, reminded them of disgraceful theft last year! Other half most shamed at this, as Mrs Payne flagrant in her disregard, said regretted nothing, and would do it again! Other half and I clutched our calendars at this, as no doubt silently considered where to hide them. Said to Mrs Payne if wanted chocolate, was small bar in kitchen. At this Mrs Payne positively horrified, said with feeling,
"That doesn't celebrate Baby Jesus!" Replied it had picture of Father Christmas on the front. Considering this for a moment, Mrs Payne said as tottered promptly into kitchen,