Friday, 19 April 2013
"I shouldn't think it was my fault! What a fearful place to put a bin!"
Weather whipped up terrible as ate dinner, frightfully windy and rain positively lashed window as explained to other half forecast was awful for next few days, most unlikely to get pond completed. Other half terribly disappointed with this, however cheered rather as queried whether mother might be able to continue, seeing as had bought her wellingtons. At this Mrs Payne positively horrified, saying indignantly,
"The wind will go right up me!"
Bad weather continued over night, was woken up on several occasions by wind against window. At breakfast other half and Mrs Payne said same. Mrs Payne explaining gravely was worried would flood, could barely sleep a wink. At this Mrs Payne brightened rather, said with pleasure,
"It's alright though, I put my wellingtons on in bed, then I fell right asleep!" Other half looked rather seriously at mother, at which Mrs Payne added in annoyance,
"They were clean!" Angled my head rather to look under table, most surprised Mrs Payne still wearing them.
Other half having left for work, set about getting ready myself as Mrs Payne finished off toast. Positively dropped cup of tea in shock as Mrs Payne said nonchalantly,
"Oh, while I remember: by the by, the pond has gone."
Rushed to window and most shocked to see garden looking fearfully muddy, and further, not a glimpse of the pond mould. Exclaimed in much dismay as to the wind and queried in awe,
"Where the devil has it gone?" At this Mrs Payne looked up from her toast, querying plainly,
Thursday, 18 April 2013
"I would help, but my wellingtons.." Exclaimed in annoyance was not wearing wellingtons myself, was quite ridiculous excuse. This quite ignored by Mrs Payne, presently overseeing proceedings from kitchen window, adding at some volume after a time,
"I say, you're not making very much progress!"
Other half most disappointed with pond when home, propped up with bins and still half full of water. Bound to say was altogether tired, at which other half said I was a dear, thanked me warmly for the pond, would be ever so enjoyable when finished! At this other half add brightly,
"Oh, I say! I've got something for you!" Returning after some moments later with box in arms, Mrs Payne following, adding petulantly,
"Why does Robert get a gift and I don't!"
Most curious as opened box, revealing rather floral wellington boots, at which queried as to rather not being my style, or size. Other half positively delighted with this, exclaiming innocently was a frightful clot, terribly sorry, might they suit someone else? Bound to say this awfully amusing as played along, saying with disappointment,
"I say, Mrs Payne, these wellingtons aren't my size or style, might you like them?" At this other half positively rolled around laughing as Mrs Payne said furiously,
"Don't think I don't see what you've done here!" and taking the box in much annoyance sat on bench to don the items, other half saying in excitement,
"I say, they're just your size!"
Mrs Payne carefully tottered around garden in her wellingtons, saying with annoyance,
"I suppose you want me to help!" At this other half and I exclaimed in horror,
"No!" as with a powerful "oof!" Mrs Payne yanked garden waste bin propping up pond, causing scream from other half, promptly jumped on bench, and as pond toppled over quite torrent of water splashed around garden. Positively gallons of water rushed over legs and garden shoes, and as water drained away Mrs Payne looked at ground, lifting feet several times, saying proudly,
"Well my wellingtons work!" At this Mrs Payne looked at me, quite frozen to the spot with fury and positively soaked to the knee, as added with surprise,
"I say, Robert, I should put your wellingtons on!"
Wednesday, 17 April 2013
"You'll need a bigger 'ole mate!" as Mrs Payne added in amusement,
"He's a fearfully slow digger! I should have done it, but I don't have wellingtons.."
Stalked back into house and returned to work as Mrs Payne continued regards delivery, working terribly hard all morning and stopping not a jot for mid-morning tea. Was most productive, as such thought would see about continuing to dig hole in afternoon, other half sure to be pleased with progress.
Came downstairs for lunch, as Mrs Payne echoed delivery chap, albeit rather more regally,
"I say, you'll need a bigger hole, Mr!" before giggling to herself as got up with an oof, querying optimistically,
Set about making lunch and positively shocked to the core as looked out of kitchen window, uttering in open-mouthed horror,
"I say, what the, what the devil!" Slowly walked outside to survey the garden, with Mrs Payne following, as repeated in annoyance,
Looked at pond as queried loudly,
"Why does it have water in it!" At this Mrs Payne explained with excitement,
"I filled it!" Frightfully exasperated by this as said was now fearfully heavy, how might we move it? Mrs Payne altogether unconcerned with this as exclaimed defiantly,
"We need something to put the fish in!" and as lifted lid on recycling bin, added in annoyance,
"We can't keep them in the bin!"
Peered into recycling bin, positively filled to brim with water and containing numerous fish. Mrs Payne most pleased with this, mimicking fish as open and closed mouth with audible,
"Pop! Pop! Pop!" before saying with delight,
"I think they like me!"
Bound to say this all too much, queried with concern as to where recycling had been placed, at which Mrs Payne explained between pops,
"We put the recycling in the normal bin." Positively furious at this, as normal bin already full. Asked in annoyance where normal rubbish was, receiving bright response,
"In the garden waste bin." Repeated with annoyance this quite ridiculous movement,
"You put the fish in the recycling bin, the recycling in the normal bin, and the normal rubbish in the garden waste bin? Where did you put the garden waste?" Positively shook in silent anger as Mrs Payne explained tersely,
"In your hole."
Tuesday, 16 April 2013
"Can we get koi carp? No! Cod! We can have fish and chips!" Declared this most ridiculous, by the by, how large was pond? At this other half altogether sheepish, said carelessly,
"Oh, barely a few feet. More tea?"
Paced out dimension on lawn after lunch, and bound to say pond quite fearfully large, ten feet in length and quite four feet deep. Declared this most unreasonable, if was any larger would jolly well have an island in middle! Other half said I was being silly. Exclaimed had not a chance of digging myself, at which Mrs Payne said earnestly,
"I will help!" Most concerned as said this terribly kind, by the by, when did pond mould arrive? At this other half altogether sheepish again, said optimistically,
"Tomorrow?" before adding melodically,
"I'll get the spade!"
Other half terribly excited regards pond, said I was a darling for digging it. At this bound to say was altogether buoyed, said would certainly make short work of it, would have hole ready by dinner! At this promptly started digging, Mrs Payne exclaiming as warily tottered back into house,
"Shan't be long! You get started, Robert!"
Spent fearful amount of time digging, and bound to say most awfully tired before dinner. Not a glimpse of Mrs Payne throughout, having declared upon numerous enquiries,
"I'm trying to find my wellingtons!" All stood around hole before dinner, approximate oval in shape and most annoyed to say barely 6 inches deep. Most displeased as Mrs Payne exclaimed in surprise,
"I say, this is barely fit for a puddle!"
Queried in much annoyance as to Mrs Payne finding wellingtons, at which Mrs Payne exclaimed in surprise as kicked small piece of soil back into hole,
"Oh, I forgot, I don't have any wellingtons!"
Monday, 15 April 2013
"I sat on them."
Sat reading newspaper once other half and Mrs Payne had left, and bound to say had one or two biscuits. Thought this rather what Mrs Payne must be like daily. With much excitement, sat in Mrs Payne's seat on sofa, by the by, had terribly flat cushion, as said in squeaky voice,
"I say Robert, where's the biscuits! Oof oof oof!" Thought this most amusing.
Rapidly got up as other half and Mrs Payne came in, and positively popped with excitement as Mrs Payne said with exasperation,
"I say Robert, where's the biscuits?" Other half exclaimed with smile hoped I had not been up to mischief. Made note to tell her about impression later.
Other half altogether delighted as said she had surprise for garden! At this Mrs Payne, having found biscuit barrel, said nonchalantly through biscuit-filled mouth,
"We've bought a pond." At this other half most displeased, said in annoyance,
"I said I would tell him!" adding brightly,
"Robert, you'll never guess! We've bought a pond!" Declared in annoyance would never have guessed.
Queried, by the by, was this sheer madness? At this other half said it was an awfully nice pond, one of those clever moulded contraptions, ever so cheap, and the Updikes next door had a pond! Other half looked ever so hopeful, so warmed rather as queried when contractors were arriving regards installation. At this Mrs Payne looked at her daughter, queried cryptically,
"Now?" after which tottered into porch, and with careful oofing, returned, saying with delight,
"You'll never guess! We've bought you a new spade!"
Friday, 5 April 2013
Set off for town, Mrs Payne having explained might we have time to visit Fletchers' department store as had to buy some "smalls", explaining brightly,
"I don't need to remember what to buy, Sally remembers for me!" Said this quite alright, might we see about coffee first, as Mrs Payne promptly added,
Saw Horseface in coffee shop, and bound to say still positively furious regards excursion to terrible coffee shop. Queried with some sarcasm as to whether we would rather go elsewhere, heard local drop in centre had rather good coffee. At this Mrs Payne most oblivious, asked with confusion,
"Shall I check how many stars?"
Apologised profusely regards being led astray by Mrs Payne, at which Horseface most reasonable, said with excitement should have seen boss' face when told him! Mrs Payne positively ignored this, looking around shop with quite some concern, as held plug for phone, saying with concern,
"Oh dear. I need to plug Sally in. Oh dear, Sally!" At this explained regards "Sally" running out of battery, Horseface saying with amusement,
"I say Bitty, there's a plug over there!" Explained this rather far away, should certainly not leave such an item out of sight. Mrs Payne most unconcerned with this, rummaged in bag, at which withdrew rather large bundle, exclaiming brightly,
"Not to worry! I brought a 4-way extension!"
Mrs Payne most pleased as unwound extension, having carefully negotiated regards not putting it where someone could trip. Having plugged in Mrs Payne presently sat down, popping extension on floor and tucking Sally at side of chair, as said with pleasure,
"Sally is charging! She was only on 75 percent power, Sally could have gone at any moment!" Chap on adjacent table most impressed with Mrs Payne's extension, said it quite brilliant to have brought it, might he plug in laptop also? At this Mrs Payne fearfully pleased, said regally,
"You may", adding once chap had thanked her, "that'll be a pound, please."
Had terribly amusing conversation with Horseface regards boss' reaction regards two star cafe, as such all positively falling about laughing by time to leave, Mrs Payne saying with concern, was sure had something to remember. At this queried did she perhaps need to buy some "smalls"? Mrs Payne most relieved at this, said thankfully,
"Oh yes! Don't mention by unmentionables though."
Stood admiring suits as Mrs Payne shopped for unmentionables, presently tottering up in quite frenzy, saying quickly,
"I put my list in Sally so I didn't forget, but I forgot Sally!" At this Mrs Payne tottered off with not a moment for response, repeating loudly as she went,
"Oh dear! Sally!"
Was with quite some dismay that stood in coffee shop, looking at chair Mrs Payne had sat in, finding not a glimpse of Sally. Mrs Payne most upset at this, said tearfully
"They took Sally!" adding as dried eyes,
"I wouldn't mind, but they took the extension too."
Thursday, 4 April 2013
"I shall find us somewhere nice!" adding in annoyance,
"Fearful two stars."
Queried at mid-morning tea as to location, and most impressed with Mrs Payne finding place altogether near with delicious food, and bound to say rather affordable. Thought it such a jolly day we might see about walking! Mrs Payne quite incredulous at this, querying in annoyance,
"Walk? With our legs?"
Stood in sun before lunch, Mrs Payne on doorstep looking altogether displeased as said optimistically,
"I thought we were going in the motor?" Took not a jot of notice of this as queried brightly as to how we get there. Most pleased as Mrs Payne relinquished, saying with disappointment,
"I'll walk if we must, but I want dessert! Sally has a little map." At this Mrs Payne tottered down the drive, clutching "Sally" her smartphone in one hand, with power cable trailing to handbag in other. Rather smiled as closed front door, Mrs Payne adding in annoyance,
"Oof. Come on, we haven't got all day!"
Was ever so slow walking, further as stopped terribly often regards Mrs Payne scrutinising map, repeating often,
"Sally knows the way! Oof." Bound to say however cared not a jot for speed, walked in sun in altogether good mood. Was rather disappointed as Mrs Payne stopped, saying gratefully,
"Here we are!"
Had quite excellent lunch, and Mrs Payne altogether buoyed, said with amusement at least had got right place this time! Declared as paid bill I thought "Sally" quite a triumph! Mrs Payne rather less pleased, replied with outrage,
"What about my dessert!"
Set off for home at two o'clock, at which thought it quite fearfully long lunch. Would stop not a jot for afternoon tea as was sure to need to make up time. Walked for quite some time after which queried as to being near home, was surely taking longer. At this Mrs Payne altogether unsure, explained was certain to be just over this bridge! Yes, nearly home! Was most annoyed as declared had not gone over bridge on way there, were we lost? At this Mrs Payne explained were certainly on right track, adding with concern,
"By the by, you haven't seen a plug socket have you?"
Promptly stopped, looking at poor Sally, black screen and not an ounce of life in her. Positively furious at this, queried as to how long had we been without map. Quite astonished as Mrs Payne said optimistically,
"Oh, barely longer than half an hour!" Declared this quite frightfully reckless, as Mrs Payne said with disappointment,
"I bought my charger, but there's nowhere to plug it in!"
Was quite four o'clock as arrived home, Mrs Payne constantly oofing and both altogether warm. Mrs Payne positively fell into sofa as said in annoyance,
"I told you we shouldn't have walked!" Too furious to answer.
Wednesday, 3 April 2013
"Do you mind! I'm concentrating!" Altogether silent as served dessert, with Mrs Payne mindlessly spooning sponge into mouth, which bound to say quantity of on table. Was all but finished as Mrs Payne exclaimed in loud annoyance,
"Fearful smartbob, Sally beat me again!" At this Mrs Payne put smartphone down on table with quite some force, causing dessert bowl to jump rather as looked positively furious. Calming herself Mrs Payne declared regally,
"Silly game" promptly began retrieving sponge from tablecloth. Queried carefully as to what she was playing, at which Mrs Payne further annoyed,
"Noughts and crosses! Fearful game!"
Cleared away dinner, after which found Mrs Payne in lounge with laptop on knee looking altogether pleased, querying brightly,
"Might we have sherry? I'm celebrating!" At this Mrs Payne continued concentrating on laptop, picking up smartphone and pressing them together as said with amusement,
"Lapbob, meet smartbob!"
Served sherry, at which Mrs Payne exclaimed ,
"I drew!" adding with delight "Sally isn't so clever now!" Was most curious as Mrs Payne returned to furiously working the laptop, saying with optimism,
"I'm certain to win next time!"
Was altogether late and not a drop of sherry left in glasses as Mrs Payne uttered again,
"I drew!" as other half said wearily,
"You'll never win, it's time for bed." At this Mrs Payne exclaimed superiourly,
"I've got lapbob helping! I'm sure to beat Sally soon!" Followed explanation of quite brilliant solution as to playing noughts on smartphone and crosses on laptop, adding with pleasure,
"My lapbob tells me the best move! It's a fearfully clever strategy I should warrant!" Other half queried as to this rather being cheating, as Mrs Payne replied most indignantly in response,
"It's not cheating!" and hushing voice, added carefully, "Sally doesn't know!"
Monday, 1 April 2013
"This place has 4 stars! Oh, it's in Bournemouth" after which adding optimistically,
"Can we go?"
Suggested visiting coffee shop this morning, at which Mrs Payne said would be delighted. Inevitably saw Horseface waving through window, and as went for door Mrs Payne positively barred entry, saying carefully,
"Wait a minute." At this Mrs Payne pulled smartphone from hangbag, by the by, still attached to charging cable, duly explained as "I might need to charge it later", at which said slowly as began working the item,
"Let's see what Sally says." Begged her pardon, had she named telephone 'Sally'? Mrs Payne carelessly answering in the affirmative, as continued, saying after some moments,
"This place is no good. 3.5 stars!" At this Mrs Payne mouthed to Horseface
"Three .. point .. five .. stars" gesturing as to leave. Horseface promptly came outside, querying as to the problem, at which Mrs Payne explained regards fearful reviews, was sure to be shut down any day. Horseface most disappointed, exclaimed with concern,
"But, my coffee.." at which Mrs Payne replied brightly,
"It was probably revolting! Not to worry, Sally will take us somewhere nice." At this Mrs Payne tottered off as Horseface queried gravely,
Most annoyed as slowly walked behind Mrs Payne, was sure place to be on This or That Street, or Somethington Road. Eventually came across what bound to say fearful looking place down backstreet, at which Mrs Payne carelessly entered, saying optimistically,
"Four stars!" Sat down, and bound to say stars certainly not awarded for cleanliness. Mrs Payne promptly asked disgruntled-looking shop owner if he might clean the table, adding in a hushed tone,
"It says they have excellent customer service!" At this shop owner dragged dirty looking cloth over table and silently left us with menus as Mrs Payne exclaimed brightly,
"Much better!" before adding with concern, "no, still sticky."
Duly ordered, at which Mrs Payne had coffee and cake. Horseface queried regards latte, at which shop owner said tersely,
"We've got black or white. Help yourself to sugar." At this Horseface replied politely would have white please, which repeated myself. Chatted whilst waiting, Horseface clutching handbag all the while as Mrs Payne looked around grotty shop, marvelling on occasion,
"I say, four stars."
Explained predicament on account of Mrs Payne's review application, at which Horseface most displeased. Clutched handbag firmly as said in hushed fury,
"I wouldn't give this place one star!" Queried whether should leave review ourselves on account of doing our public duty by way of warning. At this Mrs Payne delighted, exclaimed with excitement,
"I can be a restaurant critic!" Horseface queried in quiet annoyance what would she give this particular shop, at which Mrs Payne thought rather, saying with concern,
"Well Sally says four stars, but I'll knock a star off" adding as carefully forked her cake,
"I think this cake was made during the Crimean war."
Presently left shop, with saving grace that it was fearfully cheap. Most annoyed as Mrs Payne again consulted "Sally smartphone", at which declared had given quite enough bad advice today, thank you very much. Mrs Payne most displeased at this, said Sally was quite accurate, reading verbatim,
"The Silver Spoon, four stars." Horseface positively furious as looked up at sign, exclaimed loudly,
"This place is the Fork & Spoon!" At this Mrs Payne looked up from Sally in confusion, peered around rather as said with surprise,
"Oh look, across the street, The Silver Spoon is over there! Oh, doesn't it look nice!" Horseface and I both silent in annoyance as Mrs Payne exclaimed,
"I say, I think we went to the wrong one!" before adding gravely, "oh dear.. two stars."
Sighed rather as explained was mobile telephone. Mrs Payne stood eyeing the device warily as queried,
Friday, 29 March 2013
Thursday, 28 March 2013
"Early! I don't have time for this! Early!" Mrs Payne continued rushing around as asked in broken sentence,
"I say, do you know, you're still, in your nightgown?"
Came downstairs for mid-morning tea rather early such that would miss W.I. Most thankful that Mrs Payne now dressed, stood looking over preparations in lounge with a careful eye. Queried as to wanted tea, at which Mrs Payne looked rather frantic, exclaimed with concern,
"Don't move anything!" Carefully set about making tea, and most annoyed as found not a jot to pour tea into on account of crockery being reserved for guests. Said this most ridiculous, at which Mrs Payne scoured kitchen, presenting me with receptacle. Suggested glass most unsuitable to hold tea, by the by, was a vase. Most displeased at this Mrs Payne finally found mug usually reserved for builders, at which reluctantly poured tea. Thought this decided rough. Queried as to Mrs Payne's tea, at which received reply,
"I don't have time for pouring! Just put the milk in the teapot and I'll drink out of the spout!"
Positively horrified as doorbell rang, was certain to be quite fearful member of W.I early. At this Mrs Payne steeled herself, put on new hat, which bound to say was most ridiculous in circumference, and after uttering in my direction,
"Don't look untidy!" set about opening front door. Most pleased as door opened, and exclaimed rather brightly,
"Oh, it's only you!" at which Horseface laughed rather, exclaimed brilliantly,
"Oh, it's only ever me!" promptly striding into house with quite largest hat have ever seen. Mrs Payne greeted Horseface warmly, whilst bound to say looking quite furious in direction of hat. Straightening her hat rather, Mrs Payne bid Horseface to sit, at which I dutifully asked might I take her hat. At this Horseface exclaimed with amusement,
"No need, Robert! One should be seen in their hat at the W.I! The bigger the better! It's most ridiculous, I know!" at which Mrs Payne straightened her hat again, added in annoyance,
Clutched my builder's mug as said had best be to work, with Horseface querying as to tea. At this explained had to save best crockery, was second class citizen in one's own home! Horseface exclaimed with amusement I was a poor dear, might I like a biscuit? Mrs Payne exclaiming loudly,
"No biscuits! This is official W.I business!" and as Horseface stiffled laughter, Mrs Payne added with annoyance,
Wednesday, 27 March 2013
"What if I.." before vigorously bashing the remaining packet on table, exclaiming as she tipped out biscuits,
"That will make them look more irregular!" At this quite avalanche of crumbs escaped onto plate and table, with Mrs Payne said in disappointment,
"Oh" adding after some moments, "that will never do."
Bound to say ate the crumbs as waited for other half to come home for dinner, Mrs Payne perusing recipe book regards biscuits. Other half rather pleased upon hearing about mother joining W.I, querying carefully,
"Do you think they'll know about your .. 'past'?" Mrs Payne most affronted with this, exclaiming in annoyance,
"I'm not a criminal!" Other half positively rolled around as, having finished biscuit crumbs, I exclaimed brightly,
"We shall let the courts decide!" Mrs Payne furious.
Positively fearful evening, with other half helping mother rather as one would help child with homework. Mrs Payne petulant throughout, saying as offered them sherry,
"Robert, might you help with biscuits? I'm fearfully bored." Thought this rather jolly affair, and promptly set about rolling and cutting biscuits, dashing tray after tray in and out of oven such that had quite pile of delicious biscuits by midnight. Not ashamed to say one or two rapidly eaten.
Mrs Payne positively asleep through most of this work, with other half quietly waking mother around midnight. At this Mrs Payne stirred, started rather, exclaimed in slumber "Hat! My hat!" and waking, looked at biscuits with much pleasure, said we were ever so good, promptly sampled one. Other half exclaimed with yawn was time for bed, at which Mrs Payne exclaimed with concern,
"We haven't made the vol au vents yet!"
Tuesday, 26 March 2013
"Might you bring biscuit barrel?" before returning to telephone, exclaiming with bemusement,
Bound to say biscuit barrel not forthcoming, and presently passed Mrs Payne with tea, at which was most furious. Held hand over telephone mouthpiece, exclaiming in annoyance,
"What about the biscuit barrel!"
Continued with my tea up stairs, as Mrs Payne repeating loudly,
"My biscuits!" before adding carefully, "oh no, not you. Yes, biscuits! I'll make biscuits!"
Most pleased to find Mrs Payne finished with telephone by lunchtime, was sat on sofa with biscuit barrel, as said petulantly,
"I could have starved!" Declared this most unlikely, at which Mrs Payne said sweetly was probably right, might I take her to supermarket? Should like to buy a few items. By the by, was having W.I coffee morning at our house on Wednesday. Most displeased at this and said as much, at which Mrs Payne said optimistically,
"I'll save you some sausage rolls?"
Thought rather seriously over lunch regards taking Mrs Payne to supermarket. W.I certain to be positive nightmare, but would surely see Mrs Payne out of house more often. As such set off after lunch to supermarket, at which bound to say came to quite horrifying amount. Till girl asked regards payment, at which made quite clear was not paying myself. Most shocked as Mrs Payne sighed, promptly pulled out 50 pound note, saying with vigour as handed over the note,
"For the good of the W.I!"
Monday, 25 March 2013
"That was the best bit!"
Bound to say Mrs Payne looking most displeased as Horseface continued explaining regards various activities and such, with Mrs Payne saying rather dismissively,
"I used to be in the W.I once. The secretary, indeed. It was rather tiresome." At this other half exclaimed in amusement,
"I say, were you not given the sack for fiddling the books?" Mrs Payne looked positively furious at this, before saying in slow crescendo,
"There was not enough money for cake!"
Horseface mentioned, by the by, they were holding elections for secretary shortly, sounded ever so jolly, would see about running herself! Mrs Payne sat in rather annoyed silence thereafter.
Horseface and boss having left, Mrs Payne exclaimed in furious agitation,
"The W.I will let just about anyone in these days! As a former member, I feel it's my duty to keep power-hungry women like that out of the W.I!" At this other half queried with concern,
"What are you going to do?" Mrs Payne stared with narrow eyes, saying carefully,
"I don't know. But I shall need a new hat. It's my duty as a former secretary.." at which other half interjected,
"Sacked secretary." Mrs Payne broke her stare, turning to her daughter and saying with displeasure,
"I do wish you would stop saying that."
Friday, 15 March 2013
"I should have been more careful, Robert." Other half most annoyed, said was quite outrage to sell such flimsy item, shall return it immediately! Positively had heart attack as Mrs Payne exclaimed indignantly,
Bound to say quite horrifying as explained truth of what had happened, other half listening intently, before saying with some exasperation,
"I don't know who's worse, the organ grinder, or the monkey!" Mrs Payne exclaiming with some annoyance,
"I say! I hope I'm the organ grinder!"
Suggested by way of distraction I might weigh myself, was positively sure to have lost weight! Thought this rather brilliant as was sure to secure dessert, quite deserved despite fearful step counter. Tripped upstairs to check scales, only to come down several moments later with much disappointment. Explained with dismay weighed exactly the same. Could not understand it! Other half rather disappointed with this, said I had been very good, before declaring kindly,
"Best not have dessert, dear."
Ate dinner with terrible disappointment whilst Mrs Payne mused as to how delicious dessert was going to be. Bound to say other half disappointed also, saying with optimism,
"I say, you don't think those fearful old scales are wrong, do you?" Declared instantly I thought they were. Bound to say was most surprised as Mrs Payne explained nonchalantly,
"Oh yes, those scales are fearful. My weight was all wrong so I stuck a hat pin in the innards." Other half and I looked at each other as begged her pardon, what had she done? As continued eating Mrs Payne repeated,
"I stuck a hat pin in the bottom. It had me weighing positively stones more than I should! So I fixed it so I was 12 stone. They're quite right now. What's for dessert?" At this other half said were having sponge pudding, before exclaiming,
"You haven't weighed 12 stone since you were my age!" Mrs Payne declared indignantly this positive nonsense, by the by, was there extra dessert going begging? Most amused as other half exclaimed,
"You're not having any!" and before mother had a moment to respond, added loudly,
Thursday, 14 March 2013
"How do you think I got the first five hundred!"
Was evident that had not a hope of reaching 10,000 steps. Mrs Payne wobbled her arms, uttering an "oof" as had a rest. Most annoyed at Mrs Payne's lacklustre efforts. Thought rather seriously whilst making tea as to solution. Bound to say was taking it awfully seriously as was jolly well owed those steps. Fearful device. Pleased as struck upon the solution. Explained with delight could put it in tumble dryer! Was sure to tumble enough steps. Asked Mrs Payne might she pop it in, making quite certain as to being on cold, not hot. Mrs Payne thought this quite cleverest of ideas, and was bound to say I agreed. Left Mrs Payne to her task, further uttering "oof" on account of arms. Was sure this most unnecessary.
Came downstairs before other half came home to check on step counter. Asked Mrs Payne regards progress, at which looked up from crossword, saying without concern had not checked. Most annoyed at this, had she not checked steps, had been on half afternoon! At this Mrs Payne rather displeased, explained as waved pen,
"I've been busy!" Stalked into kitchen with Mrs Payne following, as I said with some annoyance,
"The clothes will be bone dry!"
Positively horrified as Mrs Payne queried with interest,
Held tiny pieces of step counter in hand, positively smashed to atoms with two hours of tumbling. Mrs Payne peered down as scrutinised little pieces, saying with curiosity,
"I should like to see you explain this, Robert."
Wednesday, 13 March 2013
"It's a step counter!" Mrs Payne positively awed by this as other half explained it counted your steps each day. By the by, if I walked 10,000 steps, deserved treat for dessert later! Bound to say rather buoyed by this as Mrs Payne surveyed the item closely, saying with curiosity,
"It counts your steps? How does it know?"
Presently turned step counter on and explained regards titling motion. Mrs Payne quite delighted by this, tilted item several times, saying with child-like excitement,
"Five! No, six!" adding seriously, "what an age we live in."
Other half soon departed for work and set about work myself. Clipped step counter on belt all the same, was certain to need every step to count. Checked mid-morning and most annoyed as steps displayed mere 25. Made tea as Mrs Payne queried petulantly,
"When can I have a turn?" At this declared step counter most unnecessary, barely walked a step. Mrs Payne most displeased, exclaimed in annoyance,
"I walked into the kitchen to get biscuits! Twice!"
Went out for terribly long walk for lunch, was quite certain to have positively thousands of steps. Came home altogether warm in process, at which said to Mrs Payne with gasp was terribly invigorating, should try it! Mrs Payne altogether dismissive of this, querying with excitement,
"How many steps!" Looked at the device as had positively ignored it during walking for fear of discouragement. Had rather wished I had, as exclaimed to Mrs Payne in dismay,
"A hundred and twelve."
Positively furious as ate equally rationed lunch, Mrs Payne eyeing the step counter sharply, saying with some consideration,
"I say Robert, you musn't be walking properly. I've done 10 steps already." At this Mrs Payne vigorously shook the item, after which added,
"That's another 9 steps. It's jolly fun!"
Thought rather as ate barely buttered toast, at which queried as brightly as I could,
"I say, Mrs Payne! I've got a game for you this afternoon! It's jolly fun!"
Tuesday, 12 March 2013
"It is rather!"
Had not even got to coffee shop as met Horseface, saying with fearful brightness what jolly day it was. Declared it decided not, at which Horseface queried with some amusement,
"I say, Robert! Cheer up! Has Bitty sat on your favourite hat?" Mrs Payne most displeased at this. Terribly amused.
Explained as walked to coffee shop regards diet, at which Horseface explained could not think of having milky coffee, think of calories! Declared was concerned not a jot for this, at which Mrs Payne, still displeased regards hat joke, said would be forced to tell daughter "for my own good". Positively furious as stalked into coffee shop first, Horseface cantering after, saying brightly,
"Wait up! I'll order!"
Bound to say understood barely jot of Horseface's order, positive stream of no-fat-this, and extra-froth that. Quite horrified as paid three pounds for the item, made worse by purchasing Mrs Payne's also, in quite largest of mugs such that queried might she like bucket instead. This duly declined, Mrs Payne said would certainly like cake though, adding quietly as surveyed counter,
"Now, which is largest.."
Mrs Payne taking fearful amount of time to decide, queried coffee chap as to low fat options. At this chap explained had low fat cookie, might I like that? Declared it highly unlikely, would take one all the same. Positively frightful as this was put on plate, quite size of dessert spoon and a pound into the bargain. Mrs Payne having decided by way of largest being Victoria sponge, looked at my treat, saying with amusement,
"I say, the size of that, I don't know why you're bothering!" adding as her Victoria sponge was shovelled onto plate,
"Oh yes, lovely!"
All sat down, and talked to Horseface as Mrs Payne ate cake in silence, occasionally nibbling crumbs from my tiny biscuit. Horseface soon asked regards my coffee, at which declared had not got to coffee yet. Horseface nodded approvingly,
"That's the froth! Ever so low fat!"
Drank my coffee with dismay. You could really taste the low fat.
Monday, 11 March 2013
Quite some discussion ensued as to quantity of toast consumed, at which admitted had been eating rather a lot. Other half positively seized up on this, declaring loudly,
"Right, you're on rations!" Replied this positively ridiculous had merely to cut down a little, did not want to waste away. Mrs Payne shifted rather on sofa, exclaimed with a little 'oof',
"You do eat a fearful lot, Robert." Said with some annoyance that certainly took the biscuit, at which Mrs Payne said optimistically,
Came downstairs this morning to find a solitary slice of bread upon my plate, Mrs Payne explaining with some amusement,
"Rations!" Put the slice into toaster with disappointment, and whilst waiting looked around, saying with much annoyance,
"Where's the butter!"
Quite ignored Mrs Payne as she began uttering "ra..", other half kindly declaring had put a bit on plate. At this exclaimed with some annoyance as to being positively microscopic, seeing on Mrs Payne's plate quite mountain of the product. Queried as to Mrs Payne not being on rations, at which explained with much pleasure whilst buttering liberally,
"I'm on double rations!"
At my dry toast in silence.
Friday, 8 March 2013
Soon left other half and Mrs Payne to their breakfast, both struggling rather on account of sunglasses, Mrs Payne exclaiming as I left,
"I say, I can't see what the devil I'm eating."
Came downstairs mid-morning to find not a sign of Mrs Payne, apparently having set up deck chair on lawn to wait for motor. Bound to say looked terribly cold, at which other half, more sensibly in house, exclaimed it was "bracing". Declared I hoped would say the same when wind flying past ears in mother's convertible. Looked out of window to see Mrs Payne fearlessly holding headscarf, exclaiming at quite some volume to suspicious old couple,
"Oh yes! Convertible! Here any moment!"
Was some time before lunch that van arrived outside, pulling behind it rather fancy covered trailer and bound to say was rather excited to see the motor myself. Found front door agape as other half had joined other on lawn, most annoyed at letting heat out. Mrs Payne shouted with delight,
"Robert, might you bring my driving gloves!"
Promptly all were present on lawn, with suspicious old couple looking from opposite side of road. Delivery driver terribly nice chap soon presented himself, asking who Elizabeth Payne was as had vehicle delivery. With pleasure such that might pop, Mrs Payne squealed with excitement,
At this delivery driver began unbolting rear door, saying as he did,
"Best part of the job, this. Beautiful colour too."
The rear door slowly flapped down, revealing for all the beautiful red vehicle. Mrs Payne's headscarf promptly flew off, and with not a jot of concern for the item, Mrs Payne stood open mouthed staring inside the trailer. Delivery driver soon reversed vehicle out for full view, and bound to say I admired it rather, exclaiming above the otherwise silence,
"I say, what a nice colour! And convertible too! Oh yes, terribly nice roof."
Standing proudly beside the vehicle, delivery driver held waved arm by way of introduction, querying with equal excitement,
"What do you think!" At this Mrs Payne stood quite silent, and was quite certain went as red in face as the paintwork, saying after some moments of shaking anger,
"What is the meaning of this! I ordered a red convertible!" Delivery driver shuffled rather, and showing much disappointment, said nervously,
"But.. It is a red convertible. I'm terribly sorry, is this not what you ordered?" Mrs Payne exclaiming at furious volume,
"It's an mobility scooter! I ordered a red convertible!"
Silence fell over those on lawn, as heard over the wind suspicious old couple opposite each shouting across,
"Oh yes! Lovely!"
Quite ignoring this, Mrs Payne glared directly at delivery driver, poor chap, as said in slow annoyance,
"The motor car company rang and asked about buying a vehicle. They said specifically about a convertible, and said they offered very good deals." Looking terribly concerned delivery driver demonstrated roof, as explained,
"See, a convertible. Red. You see.. This is what we sell."
Mrs Payne profoundly didn't see. Other half sighed rather as Mrs Payne stared at the mobility scooter in fury. Considered after some moments regards Mrs Payne's request, as held out my hand, saying optimistically,
"Would you like your driving gloves now?"
Thursday, 7 March 2013
Declared in much annoyance as to whether Mrs Payne would like to drive, and positively furious as Mrs Payne declared nonchalantly,
"I dare say I would do better." At this quite pulled over, as said with much aggravation,
"Be my guest!" At this got out of car, any to much surprise, bid Mrs Payne to driver's seat.
Bound to say Mrs Payne's driving fearfully slow, looked at speedometer to find was doing barely a jot above 20 miles per hour, in 2nd gear all the while. Exclaimed as to 3rd gear being ever so useful, at which Mrs Payne said superiorly,
"Would you like to drive, Robert?" adding with some annoyance,
"What a fearful motorcar."
Wednesday, 6 March 2013
Found Mrs Payne up early this morning, having arranged refresher driving lesson. Came into kitchen as Mrs Payne exclaimed loudly,
"Get out of my way, Robert! Parp! Parp!"
Most annoyed at this, queried did she have to rearrange kitchen chairs, at which explained was practicing driving. Declared wearily this most ridiculous, by the by, could I have washing up bowl back? Mrs Payne handed washing up bowl, saying with disappointment,
"That was the steering wheel."
Heard knock at front door mid-morning, and went down to find driving instructor quite as old as Mrs Payne upon door step. Thought it terribly amusing as shouted to Mrs Payne,
"I say, your date is here!" Mrs Payne bustled to front door, saying with annoyance,
"Don't mind him, here's a fearful idiot."
Watched out of front door for quite some minutes as driving instructor familiarised Mrs Payne with motorcar, this apparently taking quite some minutes regards adjusting seat to fit Mrs Payne's posterior. Evidently quite ignoring instructor, Mrs Payne wound down passenger window, and shouting past instructor, exclaimed to Mrs Uptight walking past,
"I'm a motorist!" and honked horn such that Mrs Uptight quite jumped out of skin. Bound to say both instructor and Mrs Uptight positively furious at this, apparently having quite some words, Mrs Payne looking rather more serious thereafter.
Mrs Payne finally started car, waved with delight as shouted in my direction,
"Chocks away!" Promptly stalled car. Followed quite some annoyed discussion, and having decided had watched enough, closed door as heard Mrs Payne say in loud annoyance,
"How was I to know the handbrake was on! Can't you do that!"
Tuesday, 5 March 2013
"I say Robert, I'm buying a motorcar!"
Thought this most ridiculous and quite certainly incorrect as set about making lunch, Mrs Payne exclaiming in delight,
"I should like a red one please!"
Bound to say was getting altogether concerned as Mrs Payne confirmed various specifications, querying after some minutes,
"Is your motorcar a convertible, Robert?" at which having answered in the negative, Mrs Payne exclaimed in delight,
"I should like a convertible!"
Was eating toast as Mrs Payne finally hung up telephone, quite delighted with purchase to be delivered in person on Friday. Was most displeased with this as queried where money was coming from for the motor. Mrs Payne declaring nonchalantly as to have a "few pounds" saved. At this queried with some annoyance as to why I was providing her with weekly cake rations. Mrs Payne explaining with some surprise,
"I've got motorcar money, not cake money!"
Ate toast silently for some moments before realising with amusement Mrs Payne's predicament. Queried as to whether Mrs Payne had driving licence. Most surprised as Mrs Payne said carelessly,
"Oh yes, I got it when I was a girl." Rather concerned as Mrs Payne continued,
"I never used it though."
Query as to what year driving licence acquired most unsuccessful, and bound to say altogether concerned over Mrs Payne's capability behind wheel. Suggested perhaps could organise driving lesson. Mrs Payne most dismissive, set about miming driving her motor,
"You never forget how to drive. Accelerate! Left! Right! Parp! Parp! Brake!" adding with pleasure,
"Bitty in her red sportscar! I shall be the talk of the town! Get out of the way, Robert! Overtake! Parp!"
Monday, 4 March 2013
"I say, I have never been on a bus in my life!" at which most odd as added after some moments,
"Of course, I should use the bus all the time, if I only had someone to show me."
Fearfully annoyed as stood as bus stop clutching work, Mrs Payne carefully leaning on nearby gate, querying brightly,
"Can you see the bus yet?" Declared could jolly well not see bus, terribly late, further, would have altogether sharp words with driver. Most annoyed as Mrs Payne explained superiorly,
Was just about to declare was not all bus drivers Polish as bus arrived, and bound to say thought rather better of having words as doors opened to reveal quite angriest looking man staring out, name badge saying optimistically, "Derek - Brightening your bus."
Fumbled rather with money as Derek scowled, Mrs Payne querying with interest,
"Might you take is to the coffee shop directly?" This promptly ignored, Mrs Payne exclaimed to driver,
"Jen koo yeh!" to which received not glimpse of interest. Set about sitting down as Mrs Payne said with disappointment,
Sunday, 24 February 2013
"I have come to make amends!"
Bound to say this most awkward, sat down at table as boss stood at empty end of table, looking altogether concerned and most oddly clutching tomato sauce bottle. Silence ensued and was altogether frozen as did not dare eat a mouthful as all looked at boss. Mrs Payne, quite ignoring this, continued eating as asked Horseface nonchalantly,
"Could you pass the salt?"
Horseface being quite unable to react, boss repeated again as to making amends, and by way of demonstration, promptly took bottle off tomato sauce, and looking around table frantically, promptly emptied entire bottle onto nearest plate, that of Mrs Payne, as said with surprise,
"I was eating that!"
Bottle having been emptied, boss stood steadfast, shaking rather and positively fixed on Horseface, put bottle down on table with quite some force, saying loudly,
Followed quite some discourse as to be quite shamed at being such a bounder, acted in quite fearful way, was not fit to be her husband, but promised faithfully as to never doing it again, if she would take him back. At this Horseface burst into tears, said had missed him terribly, could not stand another moment without him, was quite alright, would buy quite largest bottle of tomato sauce in morning.
Other half clasped my hand with tear in eye as Horseface dashed to boss' side, saying would never be parted again. Both regaining composure, sat down and said were quite silliest of pairs, we were all such good friends for putting up with it. Bound to say was terribly curious as to the argument, and rather glad as other half queried rather carefully as to the quarrel. At this Horseface and boss giggled rather, explained as to eating Horseface's duck a l'orange, quarrel regards of boss requiring tomato sauce on account of dryness. Coughed rather at this in shock, other half smiled rather as kindly admitted to such problem. At this Horseface looked altogether serious before smiling rather, saying with amusement,
"Duck is so bally hard to cook!"
Peace having been restored, continued eating dinner, now rather cool, as boss and Horseface exchanged stories as to quite fearful days apart. Throughout this Mrs Payne altogether ignored spectacle, solemnly fished through tomato sauce for lamb, and upon finding a morsel, studied it rather by way of identification, subsequently devouring it. Boss exclaimed was terribly sorry regards spoiling Mrs Payne's dinner, queried as to preparing something else. At this Mrs Payne explained it quite alright, saying after some scrutiny,
"Well it's not dry."
Thursday, 21 February 2013
Horseface still most grateful for letting her stay, said was least she could do to make dinner. Bound to say other half and I quite delighted by this, sat in kitchen watching this spectacle with quite some anticipation, with numerous saucepans involved, and bound to say quite frightful mess. Horseface explained as to recipe being own adaptation of duck a l'orange.
After quite some hour of cooking Horseface gracefully presented dish to us, positively swimming in quite thinnest of sauces such that was rather more l'orange than duck. All looked at their dish rather with disappointment regards duck appearing altogether dry. Quite unsure as to whether soup spoon being required, picked up knife and fork as Horseface exclaimed brightly,
"I find duck dry on occasion, so there's more sauce! Do tuck in!"
Tried fearfully to tuck in, altogether difficult regards cutting duck, positively scooting around plate in sea of sauce. Evidently applying rather more pressure, Mrs Payne found large piece of duck escaping from plate with slosh of sauce, exclaiming in quiet annoyance,
All ate rather quietly, as bound to say involved terrible amount of chewing, making occasionally murmur "mmm!" between mouthfuls by way of halfhearted appreciation. Having mastered skill of skewering duck and grinding away fearfully regards separating a portion, eventually ate the dish, numerous queries as to more sauce having been declined, still leaving plate positively full. Was rather marveling at such dryness as Horseface queried with optimism,
"Does anyone want more?"
Followed quite avalanche of compliments regarding duck being "delicious" and really could not eat another atom. At this was altogether difficult as Horseface burst into tears, said we were all terribly kind, had made this for husband when had argument, at which excused herself as left kitchen in floods of tears rather equaling quantity of sauce, saying as she did,
Other half promptly followed, saying,
"Men!" by way of solidarity. Thought this decidedly unjust. Looked despondently at state of kitchen, quite piled with used crockery and saucepans. Most annoyed as I said should wash up, Mrs Payne starting rather, quickly set about leaving kitchen. Most annoyed as Mrs Payne left, saying as she did,
"Oh yes, men, I dare say. Robert is seeing to the dishes. Men!" Furious.
Wednesday, 20 February 2013
"Shall I get the tumblers?"
Mrs Payne and Horseface rather not getting on as quite frightfully competitive. Have rather taken to working as long as possible. Came downstairs for lunch only to find Horseface and Mrs Payne positively shouting at television regards correct answers for quiz show, both quite certain as to being right, and further that the other quite frightfully wrong with most idiotic answer. Set about making lunch as heard exclamations from Horseface and Mrs Payne as to programme being fearful rubbish in any case, evidently both having been wrong.
Barraged with comment as to quiz show questions over lunch, provided quite headache as ate toast. By way of diversion, queried in kindly sort of way as to whether had heard from husband, altogether difficult as was my boss. At this Horseface said would listen to not another word from him, exclaiming with dread,
"You should have heard the things he said!"
Declared quietly was going back to work as rather heated discussion erupted as to television, Mrs Payne quite adamant as to watching soaps, and Horseface rather interested in news. Was all but at kitchen door as Mrs Payne and Horseface demanded referee, at which declared rather sternly could they stop arguing or would jolly well unplug the television! Positively stalked out of room in fury as Mrs Payne and Horseface quite rolled around laughing, Mrs Payne exclaiming,
"I should like to see that!"
Tuesday, 19 February 2013
Left Horseface this morning in lounge with Mrs Payne, saying was sure she would muddle through. Most surprised as heard knock at front door mid-morning, at which in panic Horseface dashed into tiny cloakroom under stairs to hide opened front door to find rather dismayed boss querying as to Horseface staying. Bound to say this most difficult as asked what was the matter, rather unsure of letting him in on account of Horseface in cloakroom, could no doubt barely breath squashed amongst overcoats and such. Said carefully was terribly shocked at his news, before had moment to explain had better be getting on, Mrs Payne exclaimed brightly,
"Do come in, I'll make coffee!"
Positively gulped coffee as Mrs Payne repeated to boss that was a terrible business, might he like another biscuit? Wouldn't take long to make another coffee. Poor man. Set about getting back to work on several occasions, at which Mrs Payne said would keep boss company. Most annoyed as studiously sat back down, carefully listening for shuffling in cloakroom. Finishing second coffee Mrs Payne exclaimed brightly,
"Would you like to stay for lunch?" Coughed loudly as heard from cloakroom a faintly aggravated,
Boss having left after terribly long lunch, Horseface positively fell out of cloakroom, coughing rather on account of dust and clutching sherry bottle. At this she complained fearfully as to being "sticked up to like a kipper" further explaining as held her head rather and staggered to kitchen,
"I had not a drop for thirst so I the sherry!"
Positively furious at this, thought rather better of storing bottles in cloakroom in future, at which Horseface shouted from kitchen,
"I say, I've put the cheese in you, where's my cheese on toast you bally toaster!"
Stalked into kitchen as Mrs Payne returned to crossword, saying with annoyed sigh,
"That woman will do anything for attention."
Monday, 18 February 2013
"You'll have to do." Bound to say this most uncomfortable, exclaimed "there, there" as rather wished she did not "have to do". Looked around slightly to find Mrs Payne looking most unconcerned, as queried nonchalantly,
"I say, are we wearing dressing gowns about town these days?"
Most grateful as Horseface composed herself, and drying eyes with handkerchief said was terribly sorry, had fearful row with husband last night, could not stand another moment and had left him, might she stay with us? At this Mrs Payne started rather, exclaiming quickly,
"There's really no roo.." to which quite interrupted, said could stay as long as needed. Horseface rather brightened at this, said I was a dear, might I fetch her two suitcases from car?
Set about making tea as Mrs Payne continued crossword, quite ignoring Horseface as she sniffed rather, clutching her handkerchief. Bound to say my nerves terribly frayed, and further back hurting fearfully on account of suitcases. Raised Horseface's spirits rather as queried altogether seriously as to having brought the kitchen sink. Horseface explained had brought her prized marble planters, could not think of leaving them with such a beast. Solemnly drank tea downstairs rather than returning to work, with Horseface sat in silence looking into her tea and sniffing, after which repeated I was a dear, adding more brightly,
"What's for lunch?"
Friday, 1 February 2013
"Oh, I dare say both!"
Queried perhaps Mrs Payne would like to come to coffee shop, assuming she could pick her dress in next 15 minutes. Might even see about cake! Had barely finished this offer as Mrs Payne exclaimed quickly,
"I pick this one."
Came downstairs to find Mrs Payne ready for cake, although most annoyed to find dresses still strewn throughout lounge. Saw other half had kindly put trousers in carrier bag for me, so picked this up as received much barraging from Mrs Payne as to whether she might have cake and biscuits. Declared generously, she could.
Got into town and promptly sent Mrs Payne in direction of coffee shop as went to clothes shop myself. Queue quite frightful for returns, evidently more people had thought better of such discounts. Looked back as reached front of line to find positively half dozen people behind. Most pleased to have got in before them.
Customer service chap being available, walked over and said would like to return item, were frightfully short, and feeling in rather good mood, exclaimed as to wife not liking pattern. Looked behind me again to see quite two more people having joined queue. Thought with amusement should jolly well have got up earlier! Returned my gaze to chap to find him looking altogether confused. Could certainly see why was too short, and wife did not like pattern, but was terribly sorry, could not return it. At this chap drew item out of the bag, holding in front of him such as might be checking its size, one of Mrs Payne's dresses, saying to colleague next to him,
"Hey, this man wants to return a dress!"
Positively shrank as colleague quite ignored him, as chap repeated himself at volume,
"This man has a dress!" at which heard numerous giggles behind me. Bound to say gave customer service chap quite staring of his life as I grabbed dress from him and shoved it into bag. Quite stalked out of the shop as chap shouted after me,
"Try the dress shop next door!" to quite torrent of applause from queue.
Found Mrs Payne inevitably talking to Horseface in coffee shop. Sat down in positive fury, questioning at once as to why Mrs Payne's dress was in my bag to return trousers. Horseface gasped rather, sat bolt upright in silent joy, awaiting the show. At this Mrs Payne carefully scrutinised plain white carrier bag, saying after some moments,
"I put the dress I wanted to keep in this bag so it didn't get mixed up" adding with amusement, "I dare say your trousers are under one of my dresses at home!" Quite furious at this, exclaimed in annoyance,
"I've just tried to return your dress!" Horseface's vow of silence ended, bursting into shrill laughter that caused numerous patrons to turn around in their chairs, further made worse as Mrs Payne innocently opening bag to Horseface's request, and bringing dress out of bag, exclaimed through tears of laughter,
"Not your .. colour!"
Quite ignoring this extensive laughter, Mrs Payne queried carefully,
"Cake?" Bound to say fearfully angry at this, declared sternly,
"No cake." Stared out of window in fearful annoyance as Mrs Payne repeated with optimism,
"Biscuits? Robert? Biscuits?"
The Diary will not be published next week (4th-8th of Feb) as I'm travelling, but may return the week after (when I'm also travelling).
Recommend this on Medium.
Thursday, 31 January 2013
"Do you like my dress, is fits perfectly!" Found it rather bright, and said as much, was quite furious as promptly stubbed toe on Mrs Payne's parcel. Nursed toe as asked why box so heavy, Mrs Payne exclaiming defiantly,
"That's what you get for not liking my dress!" adding, by the by, those were the other 17 dresses.
Other half soon came in from work, saying with concern,
"It's like summer has arrived already, I think I need my sunglasses." Explained you got used to it after a time. Mrs Payne most displeased.
Bound to say other half most displeased at box of dresses, declared us "not opening a bally dress shop!" I investigated box, quite pile of flowery fabric. Most surprised as saw the error, "Qty: 18" upon delivery note. Seeing error, asked Mrs Payne carefully as to her size. At this Mrs Payne exclaimed indignantly,
"How rude! I shan't say!" Explained if hypothetically dress size was 18, had perhaps put that into quantity? At this Mrs Payne rather illuminated, replied,
"I think I did. Hypothetically, you understand." Declared I did understand.
Most annoyed after dinner as found Mrs Payne casting dresses all which way, explaining in rather a fit,
"Some have a better pattern than others! I shall have to try them all!"
At this other half unfortunately remembered regards my trousers, at which reluctantly said would try them on. Came downstairs to lounge most disappointed as trousers altogether too short, barely reaching to ankle, said they looked quite alright in shop. Other half positively rolled around laughing, Mrs Payne took moment from fretting over patterns to join in, exclaiming triumphantly,
"I thought you tried them on!" Explained, by the by, had not tried them on, but had given them a fearfully good looking at.
Stalked upstairs as laughter continued, heard several exclamations "golf!" and "circus!" as took them off. Came downstairs to find other half terribly sorry for laughing, at which positively popped with laughter as asked had I got a red nose too. Declared I hadn't, roughly piling trousers beside sofa. Mrs Payne exclaimed in annoyance,
"Be careful of my dresses!" adding with amusement, "perhaps a dress would fit better!" Other half quite raucous with laughter at this, as explained I was "not that quantity" at which Mrs Payne added seriously,
Declared I needed a sherry.
Recommend this on Medium.
Wednesday, 30 January 2013
"Well if you see Mr Courier, ask him where my dress is!"
Bound to say found this most amusing, thought rather better of rubbing it in on account of still not having told other half about trousers. Most annoyed as sitting down for breakfast Mrs Payne queried nonchalantly, was I not wearing my new trousers, and, by the by, had I reconsidered golf? Other half most curious about this, exclaimed had not seen any such item, and what the devil did mother mean by golf? Felt awfully sick at this, and thankfully rescued as cleverly exclaimed other half late for work, might I show her later? Mrs Payne sat in innocent silence through this, querying as other half dashed out,
"So, no golf then?"
Thought rather seriously of returning trousers this morning in case other half rather displeased later, however were fearfully good deal, so decided to keep them. Throughout this worrisome thought, heard numerous attempts at door by Mrs Payne, but at mid-morning tea most pleased to find courier delivering her parcel, exclaiming with delight as put on her hat,
Thought it rather best to disappear to office as Mrs Payne began opening parcel, saying with surprise,
"I say, it's a fearfully big box!"
Recommend this on Medium.
Tuesday, 29 January 2013
Rather disappointed with Mrs Payne's opinion of trousers, as such have quietly put them in wardrobe such that can show other half when in good mood. Other half evidently in quite fearful mood, as yesterday evening queried as to Mrs Payne's dress purchase, further as Mrs Payne most indignant regards "lapbob" making mistake on sizes, other half replying in annoyance,
"I don't want to hear another word about that bally 'lapbob'!"
Other half continued, asking rather sharply if I had bought "bally silly items". Declared I hadn't. Thought rather nervously at this how well had hidden trousers in wardrobe.
Still in dressing gown, Mrs Payne up rather promptly this morning, queried at 7 o'clock as to whether dress had arrived, was sure size to be perfect! Declared it rather early for deliveries, further, rather early to be wearing Sunday hat, was it not? At this Mrs Payne most unconcerned as sat down for breakfast, said it would match the dress when it arrived. Pleased other half in rather better mood, exclaimed in amusement as came into kitchen,
"I say, I didn't know we had a visitor! Oh, I say, what an odd over coat!" Mrs Payne most unamused at this, declared with disappointment thought she looked rather well in her hat.
Bound to say Mrs Payne quite fearful all morning, heard front door open and close numerous times, evidently to check for delivery. Received awful shock in coming down for mid-morning tea to find Mrs Payne waiting for door bell in bathroom, door quite open, still wearing hat, and bound to say, on toilet. Averted eyes as said with horror could she please shut the door, price of answering front door quite reasonable to avoid such abhorrent sight. Mrs Payne awfully shocked at this, declared she thought I was in office, adding with annoyance,
"How terribly rude!"
Stalked off to make tea as Mrs Payne shouted after me,
"Might you please close the door! I'm getting a draught! The door!"
Recommend this on Medium.
Monday, 28 January 2013
Quite flabbergasted as showed trousers to Mrs Payne, queried with some interest,
"I say, are you taking up golf?"
Explained rather sharply as to not taking up golf in the slightest, to which Mrs Payne continued to stare at trousers, said with some thought,
"Perhaps you should."
Explained as to rather good discount for trousers, at which Mrs Payne fearfully proud, said with quite some amusement,
"I say, you don't buy things from shops, do you?" Most annoyed as asked what on earth meant by this, to which Mrs Payne said with delight,
"I bought a summer dress from the Internet! On my lapbob!" Most bemused as begged her pardon, how might she select the right size? At this Mrs Payne looked most confused, explained as to buying dress size, ever so simple. Put trousers back in bag as heard Mrs Payne query quietly,
"What the devil was my dress size?" at which she exclaimed with concern,
"I say Robert, could you look at the label on my dress? Oh dear, I think I've bought the wrong size!"
Declared it was time for tea.
Recommend this on Medium.
Sunday, 27 January 2013
"All of them!"
Most annoyed at this, said was working jolly hard, did not need Internet sabotage! Mrs Payne most confused at this, queried seriously,
"Sabotage? Oh no, it was me!"
Bound to say was quite incredulous, replied loudly,
Worked after dinner, and had altogether resigned myself not to submit photograph for competition. Said to other half were certain not to be "pin sharp" in any case. Left other half with my camera to look, expecting worse. Came downstairs to find other half said was terribly sorry, all but one were rather blurred. Had submitted solitary one, adding kindly,
"I shouldn't get your hopes up. Poor dear."
Most dejected over breakfast, as now fearfully busy with work and evidently not cut out for photography either. This made altogether worse as Mrs Payne terribly excited regards photograph in newspaper, might we go direct to newsagents after breakfast? Altogether displeased as other half said was sure I could take her.
Walked slowly into newsagents as Mrs Payne tottered as fast as could manage ahead. Evidently in no mood for trifles, found shop owner looking rather bemused as Mrs Payne had opened newspaper on counter, presently flicking through pages showing not a glimpse for paying. Looked over her shoulder and bound to say was most speechless upon seeing winning photograph. Mrs Payne positively shook with rage, said in quiet fury,
"I demand to speak to the managing director of the newspaper!" Bound to say newsagent rather displeased at this, declared there to be "no managing director here" and he "only blinking sold 'em". Quite ignored this discussion as to management structure, looked down at black and white photograph, rather distant portrait of an old lady on bench, leaning forward slightly and clutching a large, tatty hand bag to her chest, eyes quite closed to the world in peaceful sleep. It was a photograph taken as I approached Mrs Payne in park. Terribly pleased at this publication, looked down as cutline, simply titled,
Stopped Mrs Payne for a moment to exclaim in surprise,
"I say, I'm a photographer!" and added with what bound to say was quite some fear, "and pin sharp!"
Recommend this on Medium.
Thursday, 24 January 2013
Pulled out camera as arrived in town, much to Mrs Payne's surprise, said was such a shame didn't bring hers! At this Mrs Payne rummaged in bag, and most annoyed as she brought out camera, further with wine gum stuck to it, saying with delight,
"Here it is!" Promptly ate wine gum.
Walked through park in town to take photographs, most displeased as chose subject and took photograph only to have Mrs Payne moments later taking exactly the same, quietly exclaiming in delight,
Further annoyed as was composing photograph of rather tricky looking statue, with Mrs Payne standing behind, saying with some annoyance,
"Hurry up! I want to take a photograph!" Turned around to find Mrs Payne pointing camera in face, took photograph again, said incredulously,
"I say! You were in the way!" Fearfully annoyed.
Stalked to coffee shop quite furious, with Mrs Payne stopping at every opportunity to take photographs. Several shoppers stopped as to not get in the way, at which Mrs Payne exclaimed in delight,
"I'm a photographer!"
Inevitably saw Horseface through coffee shop window so carefully tucked away camera to avoid fearful discussion as such. About to tell Mrs Payne to do the same and turning around found her taking photograph through coffee shop window. Sat down with Horseface and most annoyed as she said with much amusement,
"I say, Bitty, are you a photographer now?" Bound to say Mrs Payne positively hates being called "Bitty" by the unfamiliar, however steeling herself to this rudeness, Mrs Payne said brightly,
"Oh yes, I am!" At this Mrs Payne set about showing her photographs to Horseface, explaining camera as such,
"You can see the photographs through the little window on the back! They're pin sharp!"
Quietly drank coffee through this and read newspaper abandoned on nearby table. Browsing through Lifestyle section, exclaimed in surprise,
"I say, there's a weekly photography competition, I never knew!" Immediately regretted this as Mrs Payne said thoughtfully,
"I say, is there indeed! Do I need to send my camera in the post?"
Explained regards ability to upload photographs to website, deadline midnight tonight, at which Mrs Payne entered positive frenzy of photography, getting up without a thought and walking out of coffee shop, taking photographs every few moments, repeating nervously,
"I'm a photographer! I'm a photographer!"
Finished coffee and said good-bye to Horseface, still most amused by her encounter. Bound to say quite furious as tracked down Mrs Payne, sat on bench looking quite exhausted. Put my camera away as approached, Mrs Payne saying proudly,
"I've taken hundreds of photographs!"
Recommend this on Medium.
Wednesday, 23 January 2013
Having both rather shunned Mrs Payne's offer to view soup photograph, other half said by way of recompense could perhaps look at photographs on television later! Had taken a few photographs rather pleased with myself, so declared this a capital idea. Mrs Payne altogether ignored this whilst taking photograph of soup from different angle.
Thought it altogether wise to view my photographs first such that did not outshine Mrs Payne's photographs later, certain to be inferior. Grovelled behind television such that could find suitable slot, only to find it on front of television, got quite fearful amount of dust on trousers. Positively furious as Mrs Payne promptly took photograph. Declared if she wanted sherry, will jolly well put camera down. At this Mrs Payne petulantly took enough photograph directly at me, exclaiming with surprise,
"I say, Robert, you do look angry!" Said nothing to this, at which Mrs Payne carefully put down camera, venturing,
Dimmed the lights rather as loaded my photographs. Mrs Payne most annoyed at this, saying in annoyance,
"I can't see my sherry! We're not at the cinema!"
Quite ignored this as my first photograph came up, most pleased with photograph of our table lamp. Bound to say was rather disappointed as heard not a word from other half or Mrs Payne. Queried as to their opinions, at which Mrs Payne started rather, said was terribly sorry, had her eyes closed. Other half looked rather cockeyed at television, queried slowly,
"Is it supposed to be out of focus?"
Followed quite some display of nonchalance towards my photographs, as heard comments as to "that one's out of focus too", "was that a test shot?" and "I can't tell what it is". Was quite thankful in only having a couple of dozen photographs or would have been driven to top myself.
Mrs Payne altogether more awake for her showing, said with concern as took fearfully long to load photographs that she hoped one or two would be in focus. Scoffed over my sherry rather as first photograph came up of flowers in vase, terribly cliche. Most taken back as other half exclaimed brightly,
"Oh, I say, lovely! And pin sharp! Isn't it lovely, Robert?" with Mrs Payne adding,
"And pin sharp!"
Followed quite animation of flowers in vase, Mrs Payne evidently circling the fearful subject whilst photographing manically. This continued for numerous subjects, each consisting more photographs than I had taken total. Other half most gracious in saying the ones that were lovely, with Mrs Payne exclaiming frequently,
"And pin sharp!"
Bound to say was most aggrieved as came across photograph of me almost poking eye out. Declared with quite some annoyance that should jolly well delete it. Glared rather as Mrs Payne exclaimed,
"And pin.." before thinking better of it.
Further photographs followed in equal quantity as previous, bound to say was terribly bored, with my critique most unwelcome by Mrs Payne. Said with defiant amusement would like to see me do better!
Photography viewing ended on recent photograph of me looking terribly annoyed, frozen on screen as other half said mother's photographs were delightful. Turned lights back on, at which other half said in amusement,
"Oh, Robert, you should see your face! You look like that time you dropped your ice cream in Whitby!" and pointing at television, added "that's what you look like now!" Grumbled rather as asked if anyone would like another sherry. Other said kindly was sure I would learn my camera soon, and yes, she rather would.
Recommend this on Medium.