Thursday, 31 January 2013

Day 254

Came downstairs yesterday evening to find Mrs Payne wearing new dress and her hat, altogether floral in pattern, and bound to say would be excellent camouflage for village flower show.  Most pleased, Mrs Payne exclaimed in delight,
"Do you like my dress, is fits perfectly!"  Found it rather bright, and said as much, was quite furious as promptly stubbed toe on Mrs Payne's parcel.  Nursed toe as asked why box so heavy, Mrs Payne exclaiming defiantly,
"That's what you get for not liking my dress!" adding, by the by, those were the other 17 dresses.

Other half soon came in from work, saying with concern,
"It's like summer has arrived already, I think I need my sunglasses."  Explained you got used to it after a time.  Mrs Payne most displeased.

Bound to say other half most displeased at box of dresses, declared us "not opening a bally dress shop!"  I investigated box, quite pile of flowery fabric.  Most surprised as saw the error, "Qty: 18" upon delivery note.  Seeing error, asked Mrs Payne carefully as to her size.  At this Mrs Payne exclaimed indignantly,
"How rude!  I shan't say!"  Explained if hypothetically dress size was 18, had perhaps put that into quantity?  At this Mrs Payne rather illuminated, replied,
"I think I did.  Hypothetically, you understand."  Declared I did understand.

Most annoyed after dinner as found Mrs Payne casting dresses all which way, explaining in rather a fit,
"Some have a better pattern than others!  I shall have to try them all!"
At this other half unfortunately remembered regards my trousers, at which reluctantly said would try them on.  Came downstairs to lounge most disappointed as trousers altogether too short, barely reaching to ankle, said they looked quite alright in shop.  Other half positively rolled around laughing, Mrs Payne took moment from fretting over patterns to join in, exclaiming triumphantly,
"I thought you tried them on!"  Explained, by the by, had not tried them on, but had given them a fearfully good looking at.

Stalked upstairs as laughter continued, heard several exclamations "golf!" and "circus!" as took them off.  Came downstairs to find other half terribly sorry for laughing, at which positively popped with laughter as asked had I got a red nose too.  Declared I hadn't, roughly piling trousers beside sofa.  Mrs Payne exclaimed in annoyance,
"Be careful of my dresses!" adding with amusement, "perhaps a dress would fit better!"  Other half quite raucous with laughter at this, as explained I was "not that quantity" at which Mrs Payne added seriously,
"Hypothetically."
Declared I needed a sherry.

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Wednesday, 30 January 2013

Day 253

Mrs Payne most displeased on lack of dress arriving.  Bound to say gave poor postman what-for upon delivering letters yesterday.  Chap terribly polite, begged her pardon, did not deliver for that company, might it be courier? This apparently unsatisfactory, Mrs Payne exclaiming as shut front door,
"Well if you see Mr Courier, ask him where my dress is!"

Bound to say found this most amusing, thought rather better of rubbing it in on account of still not having told other half about trousers.  Most annoyed as sitting down for breakfast Mrs Payne queried nonchalantly, was I not wearing my new trousers, and, by the by, had I reconsidered golf?  Other half most curious about this, exclaimed had not seen any such item, and what the devil did mother mean by golf?  Felt awfully sick at this, and thankfully rescued as cleverly exclaimed other half late for work, might I show her later?  Mrs Payne sat in innocent silence through this, querying as other half dashed out,
"So, no golf then?"

Thought rather seriously of returning trousers this morning in case other half rather displeased later, however were fearfully good deal, so decided to keep them.  Throughout this worrisome thought, heard numerous attempts at door by Mrs Payne, but at mid-morning tea most pleased to find courier delivering her parcel, exclaiming with delight as put on her hat,
"It's here!"

Thought it rather best to disappear to office as Mrs Payne began opening parcel, saying with surprise,
"I say, it's a fearfully big box!"

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Tuesday, 29 January 2013

Day 252

Rather disappointed with Mrs Payne's opinion of trousers, as such have quietly put them in wardrobe such that can show other half when in good mood.  Other half evidently in quite fearful mood, as yesterday evening queried as to Mrs Payne's dress purchase, further as Mrs Payne most indignant regards "lapbob" making mistake on sizes, other half replying in annoyance,
"I don't want to hear another word about that bally 'lapbob'!"
Other half continued, asking rather sharply if I had bought "bally silly items".  Declared I hadn't.  Thought rather nervously at this how well had hidden trousers in wardrobe.

Still in dressing gown, Mrs Payne up rather promptly this morning, queried at 7 o'clock as to whether dress had arrived, was sure size to be perfect!  Declared it rather early for deliveries, further, rather early to be wearing Sunday hat, was it not?  At this Mrs Payne most unconcerned as sat down for breakfast, said it would match the dress when it arrived.  Pleased other half in rather better mood, exclaimed in amusement as came into kitchen,
"I say, I didn't know we had a visitor!  Oh, I say, what an odd over coat!"  Mrs Payne most unamused at this, declared with disappointment thought she looked rather well in her hat.

Bound to say Mrs Payne quite fearful all morning, heard front door open and close numerous times, evidently to check for delivery.  Received awful shock in coming down for mid-morning tea to find Mrs Payne waiting for door bell in bathroom, door quite open, still wearing hat, and bound to say, on toilet.  Averted eyes as said with horror could she please shut the door, price of answering front door quite reasonable to avoid such abhorrent sight.  Mrs Payne awfully shocked at this, declared she thought I was in office, adding with annoyance,
"How terribly rude!"
Stalked off to make tea as Mrs Payne shouted after me,
"Might you please close the door!  I'm getting a draught!  The door!"

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Monday, 28 January 2013

Day 251

Bound to say January sales continue to be positive triumph!  Was in town this morning posting letter when spotted some terribly nice trousers in shop window, profoundly discounted, so promptly bought them.  Shop assistant said they were terribly popular, before trailing off rather as she added "for a certain age of.."  Positively stalked out of the place once paid.

Quite flabbergasted as showed trousers to Mrs Payne, queried with some interest,
"I say, are you taking up golf?"
Explained rather sharply as to not taking up golf in the slightest, to which Mrs Payne continued to stare at trousers, said with some thought,
"Perhaps you should."

Explained as to rather good discount for trousers, at which Mrs Payne fearfully proud, said with quite some amusement,
"I say, you don't buy things from shops, do you?"  Most annoyed as asked what on earth meant by this, to which Mrs Payne said with delight,
"I bought a summer dress from the Internet!  On my lapbob!"  Most bemused as begged her pardon, how might she select the right size? At this Mrs Payne looked most confused, explained as to buying dress size, ever so simple.  Put trousers back in bag as heard Mrs Payne query quietly,
"What the devil was my dress size?" at which she exclaimed with concern,
"I say Robert, could you look at the label on my dress?  Oh dear, I think I've bought the wrong size!"
Declared it was time for tea.

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Sunday, 27 January 2013

Day 250

Worked fearfully yesterday afternoon, most annoyed as Internet altogether slow, put me back rather in time.  Came downstairs for dinner, Mrs Payne positively delighted, had uploaded her photographs for competition.  Queried as to how many had uploaded, at which Mrs Payne said proudly,
"All of them!"
Most annoyed at this, said was working jolly hard, did not need Internet sabotage!  Mrs Payne most confused at this, queried seriously,
"Sabotage?  Oh no, it was me!"
Bound to say was quite incredulous, replied loudly,
"Exactly!"

Worked after dinner, and had altogether resigned myself not to submit photograph for competition.  Said to other half were certain not to be "pin sharp" in any case.  Left other half with my camera to look, expecting worse.  Came downstairs to find other half said was terribly sorry, all but one were rather blurred.  Had submitted solitary one, adding kindly,
"I shouldn't get your hopes up.  Poor dear."

Most dejected over breakfast, as now fearfully busy with work and evidently not cut out for photography either.  This made altogether worse as Mrs Payne terribly excited regards photograph in newspaper, might we go direct to newsagents after breakfast?  Altogether displeased as other half said was sure I could take her.

Walked slowly into newsagents as Mrs Payne tottered as fast as could manage ahead.  Evidently in no mood for trifles, found shop owner looking rather bemused as Mrs Payne had opened newspaper on counter, presently flicking through pages showing not a glimpse for paying.  Looked over her shoulder and bound to say was most speechless upon seeing winning photograph.  Mrs Payne positively shook with rage, said in quiet fury,
"I demand to speak to the managing director of the newspaper!"  Bound to say newsagent rather displeased at this, declared there to be "no managing director here" and he "only blinking sold 'em".  Quite ignored this discussion as to management structure, looked down at black and white photograph, rather distant portrait of an old lady on bench, leaning forward slightly and clutching a large, tatty hand bag to her chest, eyes quite closed to the world in peaceful sleep.  It was a photograph taken as I approached Mrs Payne in park.  Terribly pleased at this publication, looked down as cutline, simply titled,

"OLD BAG"

Stopped Mrs Payne for a moment to exclaim in surprise,
"I say, I'm a photographer!" and added with what bound to say was quite some fear, "and pin sharp!"

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Thursday, 24 January 2013

Day 249

Most disappointed with lack of appreciation for photographs last night, certain this due to such awful subjects.  As such decided would take trip into town to take some better photographs.  Carefully having tucked camera into pocket, queried if Mrs Payne would like to come for coffee.  Delighted as she tottered out that saw not a glimpse of camera, was certain to have forgotten about it already.

Pulled out camera as arrived in town, much to Mrs Payne's surprise, said was such a shame didn't bring hers!  At this Mrs Payne rummaged in bag, and most annoyed as she brought out camera, further with wine gum stuck to it, saying with delight,
"Here it is!"  Promptly ate wine gum.

Walked through park in town to take photographs, most displeased as chose subject and took photograph only to have Mrs Payne moments later taking exactly the same, quietly exclaiming in delight,
"Pin sharp!"
Further annoyed as was composing photograph of rather tricky looking statue, with Mrs Payne standing  behind, saying with some annoyance,
"Hurry up!  I want to take a photograph!"  Turned around to find Mrs Payne pointing camera in face, took photograph again, said incredulously,
"I say!  You were in the way!"  Fearfully annoyed.

Stalked to coffee shop quite furious, with Mrs Payne stopping at every opportunity to take photographs.  Several shoppers stopped as to not get in the way, at which Mrs Payne exclaimed in delight,
"I'm a photographer!"

Inevitably saw Horseface through coffee shop window so carefully tucked away camera to avoid fearful discussion as such.  About to tell Mrs Payne to do the same and turning around found her taking photograph through coffee shop window.  Sat down with Horseface and most annoyed as she said with much amusement,
"I say, Bitty, are you a photographer now?"  Bound to say Mrs Payne positively hates being called "Bitty" by the unfamiliar, however steeling herself to this rudeness, Mrs Payne said brightly,
"Oh yes, I am!"  At this Mrs Payne set about showing her photographs to Horseface, explaining camera as such,
"You can see the photographs through the little window on the back!  They're pin sharp!"

Quietly drank coffee through this and read newspaper abandoned on nearby table.  Browsing through Lifestyle section, exclaimed in surprise,
"I say, there's a weekly photography competition, I never knew!"  Immediately regretted this as Mrs Payne said thoughtfully,
"I say, is there indeed!  Do I need to send my camera in the post?"
Explained regards ability to upload photographs to website, deadline midnight tonight, at which Mrs Payne entered positive frenzy of photography, getting up without a thought and walking out of coffee shop, taking photographs every few moments, repeating nervously,
"I'm a photographer!  I'm a photographer!"

Finished coffee and said good-bye to Horseface, still most amused by her encounter.  Bound to say quite furious as tracked down Mrs Payne, sat on bench looking quite exhausted.  Put my camera away as approached, Mrs Payne saying proudly,
"I've taken hundreds of photographs!"

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Wednesday, 23 January 2013

Day 248

My camera having been carefully put away, bound to say most tiresome that Mrs Payne's still positively glued to hand.  Said rather sharply over dinner last night as to not taking photographs of me.  Mrs Payne most indignant at this, declared me quite terrible subject, in any event, was taking photograph of soup.

Having both rather shunned Mrs Payne's offer to view soup photograph, other half said by way of recompense could perhaps look at photographs on television later!  Had taken a few photographs rather pleased with myself, so declared this a capital idea.  Mrs Payne altogether ignored this whilst taking photograph of soup from different angle.

Thought it altogether wise to view my photographs first such that did not outshine Mrs Payne's photographs later, certain to be inferior.  Grovelled behind television such that could find suitable slot, only to find it on front of television, got quite fearful amount of dust on trousers.  Positively furious as Mrs Payne promptly took photograph.  Declared if she wanted sherry, will jolly well put camera down.  At this Mrs Payne petulantly took enough photograph directly at me, exclaiming with surprise,
"I say, Robert, you do look angry!"  Said nothing to this, at which Mrs Payne carefully put down camera, venturing,
"Sherry?"

Dimmed the lights rather as loaded my photographs.  Mrs Payne most annoyed at this, saying in annoyance,
"I can't see my sherry!  We're not at the cinema!"
Quite ignored this as my first photograph came up, most pleased with photograph of our table lamp.  Bound to say was rather disappointed as heard not a word from other half or Mrs Payne.  Queried as to their opinions, at which Mrs Payne started rather, said was terribly sorry, had her eyes closed.  Other half looked rather cockeyed at television, queried slowly,
"Is it supposed to be out of focus?"
Followed quite some display of nonchalance towards my photographs, as heard comments as to "that one's out of focus too", "was that a test shot?" and "I can't tell what it is".  Was quite thankful in only having a couple of dozen photographs or would have been driven to top myself.

Mrs Payne altogether more awake for her showing, said with concern as took fearfully long to load photographs that she hoped one or two would be in focus.  Scoffed over my sherry rather as first photograph came up of flowers in vase, terribly cliche.  Most taken back as other half exclaimed brightly,
"Oh, I say, lovely!  And pin sharp!  Isn't it lovely, Robert?" with Mrs Payne adding,
"And pin sharp!"
Followed quite animation of flowers in vase, Mrs Payne evidently circling the fearful subject whilst photographing manically.  This continued for numerous subjects, each consisting more photographs than I had taken total.  Other half most gracious in saying the ones that were lovely, with Mrs Payne exclaiming frequently,
"And pin sharp!"
Bound to say was most aggrieved as came across photograph of me almost poking eye out.  Declared with quite some annoyance that should jolly well delete it.  Glared rather as Mrs Payne exclaimed,
"And pin.." before thinking better of it.
Further photographs followed in equal quantity as previous, bound to say was terribly bored, with my critique most unwelcome by Mrs Payne.  Said with defiant amusement would like to see me do better!

Photography viewing ended on recent photograph of me looking terribly annoyed, frozen on screen as other half said mother's photographs were delightful.  Turned lights back on, at which other half said in amusement,
"Oh, Robert, you should see your face!  You look like that time you dropped your ice cream in Whitby!" and pointing at television, added "that's what you look like now!"  Grumbled rather as asked if anyone would like another sherry.  Other said kindly was sure I would learn my camera soon, and yes, she rather would.

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Tuesday, 22 January 2013

Day 247

Bound to say finding camera much easier to use, this largely helped by other half reading manual, explaining as to turning the item on and such.  Took some test photographs, with other half most shy as took photograph of her first.  Took photograph of Mrs Payne also, quite ignored as was investigating her camera so intently.

After some minutes saw Mrs Payne reach into dress pocket and retrieve screwdriver, to which I said loudly,
"No unscrewing!"
Mrs Payne positively jumped out of skin at this, and most furious, said indignantly,
"I was only seeing where the film goes!"  At this Mrs Payne opened the little door underneath, battery falling onto carpet.  Having oofed to pick the item up, Mrs Payne looked rather closely, saying with curiosity,
"It's a rather small film.  Is it a 24?"

Followed some explanation as to camera being digital, did not need film, was stored on memory card.  Mrs Payne delighted by this, said in awe,
"Memory card, fancy!" reaching again for screwdriver.

Put down my camera with some annoyance, set about showing Mrs Payne where memory card went, quietly hiding screwdriver in magazine rack in process.  Mrs Payne looked over her glasses as she moved tiny memory card towards and further from eyes by way of focus.
"I say, how many photographs do I get?" Mrs Payne said after some moments.
Explained as to getting almost two hundred, at which Mrs Payne placed card in her palm, repeating slowly,
"Two hundred photographs.  That's almost..  millions!"  Explained was terribly convenient with digital, could very well take photographs and down-load onto computer, promptly use card again!  At this Mrs Payne further grateful for gift, said earnestly was very generous and would certainly not unscrew it.  This had unfortunate consequence as Mrs Payne looked around, said in annoyance,
"Where's my screwdriver gone!"

Having exclaimed in astonishment as to disappearance of screwdriver, set about looking at my camera again.  Mrs Payne and I duly trained in use of our cameras, followed extensive photographing of lounge.  As I was testing camera, zoomed in whilst viewing camera from front, positively furious as it almost poked my eye out.  Other half quite rolled around laughing as Mrs Payne exclaimed in delight,
"Oh, I got a photograph of that!  Do see!"
Most displeased as looked at little camera screen to see myself looking quite idiotic.  Declared photograph should be deleted immediately.  Mrs Payne promptly pulled camera to her bossom, said childishly,
"No!  It's mine!"  Bound to say sulked rather as returned to play with own camera, other half whispering to mother with hushed excitement,
"I think we should print it!"  Most annoyed as Mrs Payne added to this ridiculousness,
"And we should frame it!"

Recommend this on Medium.

Monday, 21 January 2013

Day 246

Ever so pleased at weekend as got new camera in January sales, positive bargain!  Assistant said had all kinds of features, with zoom "from here to next week".  Other half said in front of assistant looked fearfully complicated, queried me not having aptitude for such things.  Declared this quite ridiculous, promptly bought it.  On way home other half admitted was jolly nice looking camera, adding kindly,
"Just don't end up shouting at it, Robert."

Opened box on dining table, with Mrs Payne looking on, exclaiming at every opportunity,
"I say, what a nice camera!  I do wish I had such a nice one!"
Most annoyed at this as was finding packaging quite ridiculous to open, said at some volume as to being quite fearful design of plastic, at which heard other half from kitchen,
"You're shouting, dear."

Mrs Payne kindly provided screwdriver from dress pocket to help with packaging.  This having worked perfectly, queried Mrs Payne as to carrying screwdriver around with her.  Explanation as to "I might need to unscrew something" most unsatisfactory.

Packaging having been dealt with, lifted camera out of box as one might hold an archaeological artefact, viewing it from all angles.  At this Mrs Payne peered closely, exclaiming again,
"I say, what a nice camera!  I do wish I had such a nice one!"  Sighed rather at this, asked might she be so good as to fetch my camera bag?  After some minutes and with quite some oofing and complaint this duly delivered, bound to say had worked out barely a jot as to my camera's workings in the meantime.  Mrs Payne was just about to exclaim once more,
"I say, what.." when kindly cut her off, presenting her with my old camera.  Mrs Payne positively delighted by this, exclaimed brightly,
"I say, what a nice camera!  Thank you, Robert."

Loss of old camera proved altogether worthwhile as both scrutinised our cameras in silence.  After some minutes most annoyed as we said in unison,
"How do I turn it on.."

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Tuesday, 15 January 2013

The Diary on Medium.com

This week I managed to get access to the closed beta on Medium.com, a new publishing network.  I will be cross-publishing the diary entries there from now on.  Whilst I prepare, there won't be any new diary entries this week, but I would like your help!

The diary entries will be published here:

https://medium.com/laughs-out-loud

If you have a Twitter account, I would be very grateful if you could login and "Recommend" the diary entries I am reposting this week (days 241-245)!  This will help gain more exposure for the diary!

Many thanks for your help.

Friday, 11 January 2013

Day 245

Telephoned Fletchers again regards toaster and most pleased that chap from customer services said would arrange collection of toaster from home.  Explained had number of such items going wrong.  Had heard one customer stupid enough to jam screwdriver in it!  Declared this quite astonishing.  Exclaimed to Mrs Payne that her antics positively famous at Fletchers.  Most disappointed at Mrs Payne replied nonchalantly,
"I shouldn't wonder!"

Rather despondent over lunch as ate bread and jam.  Mrs Payne, looking at unplugged toaster, queried, by the by, had I tried changing the fuse?  Replied with concern I rather hadn't.  Mrs Payne returned to her bread and jam, as added dismissively,
"It'll be the fuse."
Declared this positively nonsense, chap on telephone had said of them going wrong.

Looked down at toaster, insides glowing nicely as the bread toasted and warm air rising above.
"I told you it'd be the fuse" Mrs Payne said brightly.  Having made toast, most concerned as realised Fletchers would still be collecting toaster, and further, quite fearful charge if item found working.  This explained, felt rather sick as Mrs Payne looked intently at toaster, requested slowly,
"I should like a screwdriver.  The black one with melted handle.  Oh, and a dustbin lid.  Safety first!"

Thursday, 10 January 2013

Day 244

Spent yesterday looking for receipt for toaster.  Most annoyed as this wholly unsuccessful.  Queried location with other half when home, at which was told she did not have faintest idea where I had put it.  Declared "I" had not put it anywhere!  This taken altogether badly, said would be telling Father Christmas I was ungrateful.

This morning, telephoned toaster customer services after mid-morning tea to see about toaster.  Sat in office for quite some minutes with fearful on-hold music.  Had quite finished tea by time someone answered, however music persisted, as heard over it,
"Hello, Operator?  Please connect me to Marks' and Sparks'."
Bound to say was most annoyed at this, said over the music,
"Mrs Payne, I'm on the telephone!"  Mrs Payne altogether unaware both telephones on same line, continued,
"Yes, it's Mrs Payne.  How did you know it was me!  I say, Operator, might you turn down that music?" and at deafening volume, added "MARKS' AND SPARKS' PLEASE, OPERATOR."

Positively furious holding telephone, could not very well go downstairs as was certain shop to answer at any moment, and had waited some 20 minutes.  As such continued on telephone,
"Mrs Payne, it's Robert.  Please can you use the telephone later?"  Much annoyed as Mrs Payne replied at volume,
"Oh, hello Robert!  I didn't know you worked for General Post Office now.  I do wish you'd put me through to Marks' and Sparks'."  Before had time to reply, most aggravated as customer services answered, with young lady chirping as music ceased,
"Hello, Fletchers!  How can I help!"  At this Mrs Payne jumped in with some annoyance,
"I don't want Fletchers!  That fearful idiot!"

Quickly responded, saying with slow annoyance that I was upstairs on telephone, might she put down her telephone, was calling Fletchers about toaster.  At this Mrs Payne altogether impressed, said was terribly clever GPO could do such a thing, querying as customer service girl cleared her throat,
"Can two people use the telephone at the same time?"  Replied slowly,
"Yes, that's what we're doing, now."  Mrs Payne evidently most pleased with this, exclaimed,
"How clever!", her telephone proceeding to emit several tones, at which she said in best telephone voice,
"Hello, Operator?  Marks' and Sparks', please."
Customer service girl evidently much amused, giggled rather as I said furiously,
"We can't call different people!"

"I shall have to order my smalls later" Mrs Payne said with disappointment.  Quite flabbergasted as Mrs Payne continued,
"About this toaster, young lady.  I jammed a screwdriver in it and it was working fine.  Then Robert took it downstairs and blew the whole house up!  Isn't that right, Robert.  By the by, I didn't see it myself as I was on the lavatory.  Do you read Prima, young lady?"

Bound to say had quite enough, explained as calmly as possible regards Mrs Payne putting down telephone, at which eventually relinquished, saying as she hung up,
"Lovely to speak with you, young lady.  Robert, see if they'll give you a new screwdriver too, that one is fearfully black now.  Good-bye."

Apologised profusely regards Mrs Payne, at which customer service girl altogether understanding, saying with concern,
"Is your wife getting on a bit?"
Decided I would call back another time.

Wednesday, 9 January 2013

Day 243

Had quite fearful discussion regards toasters last night.  Mrs Payne positively adamant had fixed old toaster, was quite my fault had blown power, had I changed the plug?  Explained this quite ridiculous, toaster was positive death-trap.  Other half most annoyed regards smell of burning, still persistent after a day, said was like living with "a pair of bally children".  Most annoyed at this, further as Mrs Payne and I said in unison,
"It's not me!"

Bound to say old toaster committed to bin by way of discouragement from further electrical disasters.  Went into town this morning to see about returning new toaster, also defunct.  Most annoyed as quite awful rain at moment, so stalked across town to shop other half had specified, inevitably saw Horseface in doing so.  Stood in rain clutching toaster, as could not hold umbrella at same time, as Horseface in quite jolliest of moods with galoshes and umbrella, quite dry, as queried, by the by, was I taking my toaster for a walk?  Ever so convenient for a snack on the move!  Explained rather wasn't, was taking it back, fearful item, further might I get going, toaster getting rather wet.  At this Horseface said with much amusement I was a "silly sausage", why had I not put it in the box or a bag?  Replied in annoyed terseness, hadn't the box, too big for bag, good day.  Stalked off as Horseface shouted after me,
"I'll be in the coffee shop!  Good day!  Oh!  You're dragging the plug!  The plug!"

Got to shop in fearful mood, and stood in queue for returns holding my toaster rather as a concerned pet owner in a veterinary.  This further not helped as reached front of queue, and placing somewhat wet toaster on counter, shop assistant queried in amusement,
"What's wrong with him?"  Quite ignored this, said rather seriously I should like to return it, wasn't toasting the toast.  At this assistant frowned rather, looked at the item, and said carelessly,
"Toasters toast bread."  Bound to say was quite furious at this, stood in silent annoyance, before repeating rather slowly, I should like to return it.  Assistant looked the item over, declaring it a "bit wet" and further identifying had scuffed plug.  Explained this quite unavoidable, at which assistant shrugged, said brightly,
"Receipt please!"

Thought quite deserved coffee after experience in shop, so met Horseface despite better judgement.  Horseface quite delighted, exclaiming loudly,
"I see you've brought Mr Toaster!  Hello, Mr Toaster!"  Most annoyed as plonked the fearful item down as number of patrons looked around and quite certain heard 'Mr Toaster!' murmured in amusement.  Explained as drank coffee that shop unwilling to return the toaster as had not the receipt.  Horseface altogether sympathetic, saying it quite an outrage, adding nonchalantly,
"I say, Robert, you haven't some bread have you?  There's a plug socket over there and I rather fancy some toast!"  Quite ignored this, said had best be going, at which Horseface said in delight such that all could hear,
"Remember, to get home, just follow the trail of breadcrumbs!"  Stalked out into the rain in annoyance dragging plug behind me.

Tuesday, 8 January 2013

Day 242

Had late lunch yesterday on account of catching up with work.  Was sure could smell toast on landing, with Mrs Payne still altogether missing despite was quite certain to have heard her tottering around whilst was working.  As such knocked on bedroom door with quite some force, at which heard muffled voice through door,
"Oh, I say! No thank you!  Come back tomorrow!  Oh, delicious.."

Went downstairs as best as could on account of hurting toe for lunch, positively furious to find bread now missing also, could not even have bread and jam.  Stalked back upstairs with quite some wincing, exclaiming at volume as to where the bread was.  Knocked on Mrs Payne's bedroom door again, to which heard not a murmur from inside.  Continued knocking in fearful anger, finally hearing quiet reply from within,
"Yes?"
 Bound to say was in quite frightful mood for games, said rather tersely had come for bread.  At this heard some shuffling, and door opened a crack with hand slipping out to present a solitary crust, Mrs Payne explaining quietly,
"That's all I've got."  Most annoyed at this, pushed door open against Mrs Payne's weight on other side, revealing quite haze of smoke inside.  Mrs Payne promptly pushed door back, stubbing my toe in process, to which I emitted a fearful yelp of pain.  Followed quite some to-and-fro, at which I said with gritted teeth to let me in, Mrs Payne terribly flustered, repeating as the door edge open and then closed,
"Please, take pity!  You're not coming in, you scoundrel!"

Finally pushed opened door fully as Mrs Payne gave way, revealing old toaster sitting proudly on Mrs Payne's nightstand, screwdriver carefully inserted into it, and quite pile of bread and butter beside.  Door now opened, quite cloud of smoke came out of room causing smoke alarm to start a piercing wail.  Could not hear word of Mrs Payne's complaint, but bound to say was fearfully red-faced and evidently terribly annoyed.  Cared not a jot for this, deftly unplugged toaster and carrying as much butter and bread as could muster, made my getaway, the smoke alarm still emitting its warning.

Gasped as plugged in toaster and proudly put in two slices of bread.  Terribly pleased as smoke alarm stopped also, gave rather a smile as popped down toaster.  Received awful fright as heard terrific bang from toaster and in same instance kitchen lights went out, smoke alarm soon resuming its headache-inducing wail.  Sighed as closed eyes against the horror, smelling quite fearful burning from the toaster.  Mrs Payne's handiwork had blown the power.

Monday, 7 January 2013

Day 241

Back to work today, as such prepared myself by means of toast this morning.  Most frightful as toaster popped, only to see bread looking altogether same as went in.  Exclaimed to other half with disappointment that toaster had not toasted the toast, at which other half most scornful, said with quite fearful pedantry did not expect it to toast toast, it toasted bread.  Other half added not to set fire alarm off either, mother still sleeping.  Most exasperated at this, said could not set fire alarm off if I tried!  This quite ignored, other half said as went to work hoped I had not broke toaster already.  Thought this terribly rough.

Most disappointed to find not a jot of life in toaster, despite quite some time spent working the knobs and levers.  Further provided quite some verbal discourse regards it being a fearful item, regards it should jolly well work immediately or face consequences.  Toaster took not a bit of notice of this, facing me with consequences of not a crumb of toast, except following rather vigorous shaking, at which quite flurry of crumbs landed on slippers and floor.  Shook crumbs off slippers, at which promptly stubbed toe.

Positively furious as hopped about having to clean crumbs, then set about finding old toaster.  This quite absent from where had left it in garage.  Fearfully late for work so decided upon bread and butter instead.  Discovered this quite impossible as butter had altogether disappeared also.  Further to list of missing items, saw not a glimpse of Mrs Payne at breakfast, and upon aggravated knocking on bedroom door, exclaimed through door was "not expecting visitors".  Most annoyed at this, and rather thought I smelled toast.

Tuesday, 1 January 2013

New Year's Eve

Other half invited boss and Horseface over for New Year's Eve.  Most displeased at this as see not a jot of reason to stay up, and further made frightful discovery that had not a drop of wine.  At this other half said was quite alright, would make do with two bottles of champagne we had.  Explained had been saving these for special occasion, and really New Year's Eve fearfully dull.  Other half replied was certainly something fearfully dull, at which Mrs Payne much amused.  Thought this terribly rough as begrudgingly put bottles in fridge, Mrs Payne exclaiming in delight,
"Oh, I do like champagne!  Where is it from?"

Explained to other half and Mrs Payne as boss and Horseface arrived not to mention champagne, would open it at midnight, would be such a nice surprise!  Other half most displeased at this, called me a skinflint.  Thought it rather clever all the same, as would be certain only to open the one bottle and could serve sherry in meantime.  Positively furious upon boss and Horseface's coming in as Mrs Payne ventured nonchalantly,
"Are we opening the champagne?"

Drank my champagne with dismay having positively drained the first bottle between us. Chatted kindly following the champagne, all in rather jolly mood, as helped ourselves to buffet.  All agreed other half quite outdid herself.  Champagne glasses empty awfully quickly, at which hit upon quite cleverest idea to have coffee.  All agreed on account of staying awake except Mrs Payne, making quite some speech as she worked the coffee contraption as to not touching a drop of coffee past midday, was quite capable of staying awake, by the by, was there any more champagne?

Final bottle of champagne having been opened, all enjoyed their coffee and cake as evening went on, Mrs Payne offering some top-ups of champagne, after which was quite asleep on one end of sofa, much to amusement of others, talking with hushed brightness.

Mrs Payne woke up with a start at 11 o'clock, saying in shock,
"Oh!  I must have fallen asleep!" at which looked at her watch, added with disappointment, "it's past midnight, you didn't wake me!"  All most confused at this, was not past midnight in slightest.  Upon closer inspection, Mrs Payne said with distant recollection watch may have stopped last week, adding with confusion,
"I thought it had been twenty past two a lot."

Followed quite some discussion regards fixing watch, with numerous suggestions regards watchmakers in town, this dismissed as frightfully expensive, alternatives then suggested, only to be dismissed in place of frightfully expensive shop on account of "getting what you paid for".  Bound to say this frightfully wearing, suggested would see about going into town and might we hear the end of it?  At this boss said was quite ridiculous to pay for such an item, might I have a small screwdriver, would jolly well see about battery himself.  Followed extensive hunt for screwdriver, only to discover that, firstly, did not have one, and secondly, it was past midnight.

All most disappointed to have missed midnight, suggested finishing the champagne as it was open.  Most annoyed to find not a drop left on account of Mrs Payne's top-ups.  Mrs Payne altogether unconcerned at this, looked at her watch with a yawn, saying as she got up,
"Time for bed for me, it's twenty past two.  Goodnight."

~~

Happy New Year to all my readers.