Sunday, 24 February 2013

Day 260

Thought rather better of Horseface cooking last night.  As such declared it terribly kind, but was altogether insistent regards being our guest, other half saying would cook lamb.  Was having dinner when most surprised to hear knock at front door.  Quite certain to be charity worker, went to door most annoyed at interruption from dinner and shocked to find boss looking altogether nervous, had come to apologise.  Bound to say this most difficult, fumbled rather as to Horseface not being here, at which boss said had seen wife's car around corner.  Suggested had best come in and said had best wait in lounge.  At this boss said had nothing to hide, stalked into dining room as I followed, declaring loudly,
"I have come to make amends!"

Bound to say this most awkward, sat down at table as boss stood at empty end of table, looking altogether concerned and most oddly clutching tomato sauce bottle.  Silence ensued and was altogether frozen as did not dare eat a mouthful as all looked at boss.  Mrs Payne, quite ignoring this, continued eating as asked Horseface nonchalantly,
"Could you pass the salt?"

Horseface being quite unable to react, boss repeated again as to making amends, and by way of demonstration, promptly took bottle off tomato sauce, and looking around table frantically, promptly emptied entire bottle onto nearest plate, that of Mrs Payne, as said with surprise,
"I was eating that!"

Bottle having been emptied, boss stood steadfast, shaking rather and positively fixed on Horseface, put bottle down on table with quite some force, saying loudly,
Followed quite some discourse as to be quite shamed at being such a bounder, acted in quite fearful way, was not fit to be her husband, but promised faithfully as to never doing it again, if she would take him back.  At this Horseface burst into tears, said had missed him terribly, could not stand another moment without him, was quite alright, would buy quite largest bottle of tomato sauce in morning.

Other half clasped my hand with tear in eye as Horseface dashed to boss' side, saying would never be parted again.  Both regaining composure, sat down and said were quite silliest of pairs, we were all such good friends for putting up with it.  Bound to say was terribly curious as to the argument, and rather glad as other half queried rather carefully as to the quarrel.  At this Horseface and boss giggled rather, explained as to eating Horseface's duck a l'orange, quarrel regards of boss requiring tomato sauce on account of dryness.  Coughed rather at this in shock, other half smiled rather as kindly admitted to such problem.  At this Horseface looked altogether serious before smiling rather, saying with amusement,
"Duck is so bally hard to cook!"

Peace having been restored, continued eating dinner, now rather cool, as boss and Horseface exchanged stories as to quite fearful days apart.  Throughout this Mrs Payne altogether ignored spectacle, solemnly fished through tomato sauce for lamb, and upon finding a morsel, studied it rather by way of identification, subsequently devouring it.  Boss exclaimed was terribly sorry regards spoiling Mrs Payne's dinner, queried as to preparing something else.  At this Mrs Payne explained it quite alright, saying after some scrutiny,
"Well it's not dry."

Thursday, 21 February 2013

Day 259

Mrs Payne positively fearful regards Horseface staying.  Exclaimed on numerous occasions when Horseface not present as to when might leave.  Other half most shamed by this, queried was it not Christian to love thy neighbour?  Must be something quite terrible to cause her to leave.  By the by, I had let her in, so entirely my fault.  Thought this decidedly rough.

Horseface still most grateful for letting her stay, said was least she could do to make dinner.  Bound to say other half and I quite delighted by this, sat in kitchen watching this spectacle with quite some anticipation, with numerous saucepans involved, and bound to say quite frightful mess.  Horseface explained as to recipe being own adaptation of duck a l'orange.

After quite some hour of cooking Horseface gracefully presented dish to us, positively swimming in quite thinnest of sauces such that was rather more l'orange than duck.  All looked at their dish rather with disappointment regards duck appearing altogether dry.  Quite unsure as to whether soup spoon being required, picked up knife and fork as Horseface exclaimed brightly,
"I find duck dry on occasion, so there's more sauce!  Do tuck in!"

Tried fearfully to tuck in, altogether difficult regards cutting duck, positively scooting around plate in sea of sauce.  Evidently applying rather more pressure, Mrs Payne found large piece of duck escaping from plate with slosh of sauce, exclaiming in quiet annoyance,
"Slippery devil."

All ate rather quietly, as bound to say involved terrible amount of chewing, making occasionally murmur "mmm!" between mouthfuls by way of halfhearted appreciation.  Having mastered skill of skewering duck and grinding away fearfully regards separating a portion, eventually ate the dish, numerous queries as to more sauce having been declined, still leaving plate positively full.  Was rather marveling at such dryness as Horseface queried with optimism,
"Does anyone want more?"

Followed quite avalanche of compliments regarding duck being "delicious" and really could not eat another atom.  At this was altogether difficult as Horseface burst into tears, said we were all terribly kind, had made this for husband when had argument, at which excused herself as left kitchen in floods of tears rather equaling quantity of sauce, saying as she did,
Other half promptly followed, saying,
"Men!" by way of solidarity.  Thought this decidedly unjust.  Looked despondently at state of kitchen, quite piled with used crockery and saucepans.  Most annoyed as I said should wash up, Mrs Payne starting rather, quickly set about leaving kitchen.  Most annoyed as Mrs Payne left, saying as she did,
"Oh yes, men, I dare say.  Robert is seeing to the dishes.  Men!"  Furious.

Wednesday, 20 February 2013

Day 258

Horseface feeling altogether better and quite fearfully confident regards divorce.  Exclaimed on numerous occasions as to men being hanged, present company excepted of course.  Bound to say this usually after sherry, and have taken to be rather careful with measures.  Horseface poured on one occasion and bound to say had drunk quarter of bottle.  Other half and Mrs Payne most pleased with this, exclaiming Horseface ever so generous!  Thought this decided rough as I was paying.  Declared were drinking such a lot would jolly well need to use large glasses.  Mrs Payne delighted with this, querying optimistically,
"Shall I get the tumblers?"

Mrs Payne and Horseface rather not getting on as quite frightfully competitive.  Have rather taken to working as long as possible.  Came downstairs for lunch only to find Horseface and Mrs Payne positively shouting at television regards correct answers for quiz show, both quite certain as to being right, and further that the other quite frightfully wrong with most idiotic answer.  Set about making lunch as heard exclamations from Horseface and Mrs Payne as to programme being fearful rubbish in any case, evidently both having been wrong.

Barraged with comment as to quiz show questions over lunch, provided quite headache as ate toast.  By way of diversion, queried in kindly sort of way as to whether had heard from husband, altogether difficult as was my boss.  At this Horseface said would listen to not another word from him, exclaiming with dread,
"You should have heard the things he said!"
Declared quietly was going back to work as rather heated discussion erupted as to television, Mrs Payne quite adamant as to watching soaps, and Horseface rather interested in news.  Was all but at kitchen door as Mrs Payne and Horseface demanded referee, at which declared rather sternly could they stop arguing or would jolly well unplug the television!  Positively stalked out of room in fury as Mrs Payne and Horseface quite rolled around laughing, Mrs Payne exclaiming,
"I should like to see that!"

Tuesday, 19 February 2013

Day 257

Other half most surprised yesterday evening to see Horseface in lounge, not knowing what to do with herself as Mrs Payne sat in annoyed silence.  Other half asked was anything the matter, at which Horseface repeated having left husband, rather tearful once more as said I had been most kind in consoling her.  Other half most shocked at this, hugged Horseface as exclaimed she must have been awfully desperate.  Thought this rather rough.

Left Horseface this morning in lounge with Mrs Payne, saying was sure she would muddle through.  Most surprised as heard knock at front door mid-morning, at which in panic Horseface dashed into tiny cloakroom under stairs to hide opened front door to find rather dismayed boss querying as to Horseface staying.  Bound to say this most difficult as asked what was the matter, rather unsure of letting him in on account of Horseface in cloakroom, could no doubt barely breath squashed amongst overcoats and such.  Said carefully was terribly shocked at his news, before had moment to explain had better be getting on, Mrs Payne exclaimed brightly,
"Do come in, I'll make coffee!"

Positively gulped coffee as Mrs Payne repeated to boss that was a terrible business, might he like another biscuit?  Wouldn't take long to make another coffee.  Poor man.  Set about getting back to work on several occasions, at which Mrs Payne said would keep boss company.  Most annoyed as studiously sat back down, carefully listening for shuffling in cloakroom.  Finishing second coffee Mrs Payne exclaimed brightly,
"Would you like to stay for lunch?"  Coughed loudly as heard from cloakroom a faintly aggravated,
"I say!"

Boss having left after terribly long lunch, Horseface positively fell out of cloakroom, coughing rather on account of dust and clutching sherry bottle.  At this she complained fearfully as to being "sticked up to like a kipper" further explaining as held her head rather and staggered to kitchen,
"I had not a drop for thirst so I the sherry!"
Positively furious at this, thought rather better of storing bottles in cloakroom in future, at which Horseface shouted from kitchen,
"I say, I've put the cheese in you, where's my cheese on toast you bally toaster!"
Stalked into kitchen as Mrs Payne returned to crossword, saying with annoyed sigh,
"That woman will do anything for attention."

Monday, 18 February 2013

Day 256

Heard fearful knock on front door this morning.  Went downstairs with quite some annoyance querying as to Mrs Payne answering the door, quickly dismissed as was "crosswording".  Answered door to find Horseface, wearing her dressing gown, looking altogether upset, asking rather tearfully if other half was home.  Declared she wasn't, at which before had moment to invite Horseface in she fell into my arms sobbing at fearful volume, saying as she did,
"You'll have to do."  Bound to say this most uncomfortable, exclaimed "there, there" as rather wished she did not "have to do".  Looked around slightly to find Mrs Payne looking most unconcerned, as queried nonchalantly,
"I say, are we wearing dressing gowns about town these days?"

Most grateful as Horseface composed herself, and drying eyes with handkerchief said was terribly sorry, had fearful row with husband last night, could not stand another moment and had left him, might she stay with us?  At this Mrs Payne started rather, exclaiming quickly,
"There's really no roo.." to which quite interrupted, said could stay as long as needed.  Horseface rather brightened at this, said I was a dear, might I fetch her two suitcases from car?

Set about making tea as Mrs Payne continued crossword, quite ignoring Horseface as she sniffed rather, clutching her handkerchief.  Bound to say my nerves terribly frayed, and further back hurting fearfully on account of suitcases.  Raised Horseface's spirits rather as queried altogether seriously as to having brought the kitchen sink.  Horseface explained had brought her prized marble planters, could not think of leaving them with such a beast.  Solemnly drank tea downstairs rather than returning to work, with Horseface sat in silence looking into her tea and sniffing, after which repeated I was a dear, adding more brightly,
"What's for lunch?"

Friday, 1 February 2013

Day 255

Found Mrs Payne after breakfast this morning still fretting over best dress to keep, with positive pile of them covering lounge such that could well be mistaken for flower shop.  Holding up two dresses, Mrs Payne queried as to which I preferred.  Bound to say found them almost identical, and equally frightful, declared earnestly,
"Oh, I dare say both!"
Queried perhaps Mrs Payne would like to come to coffee shop, assuming she could pick her dress in next 15 minutes.  Might even see about cake!  Had barely finished this offer as Mrs Payne exclaimed quickly,
"I pick this one."

Came downstairs to find Mrs Payne ready for cake, although most annoyed to find dresses still strewn throughout lounge.  Saw other half had kindly put trousers in carrier bag for me, so picked this up as received much barraging from Mrs Payne as to whether she might have cake and biscuits.  Declared generously, she could.

Got into town and promptly sent Mrs Payne in direction of coffee shop as went to clothes shop myself. Queue quite frightful for returns, evidently more people had thought better of such discounts.  Looked back as reached front of line to find positively half dozen people behind.  Most pleased to have got in before them.

Customer service chap being available, walked over and said would like to return item, were frightfully short, and feeling in rather good mood, exclaimed as to wife not liking pattern.  Looked behind me again to see quite two more people having joined queue.  Thought with amusement should jolly well have got up earlier!  Returned my gaze to chap to find him looking altogether confused.  Could certainly see why was too short, and wife did not like pattern, but was terribly sorry, could not return it.  At this chap drew item out of the bag, holding in front of him such as might be checking its size, one of Mrs Payne's dresses, saying to colleague next to him,
"Hey, this man wants to return a dress!"
Positively shrank as colleague quite ignored him, as chap repeated himself at volume,
"This man has a dress!" at which heard numerous giggles behind me.  Bound to say gave customer service chap quite staring of his life as I grabbed dress from him and shoved it into bag.  Quite stalked out of the shop as chap shouted after me,
"Try the dress shop next door!" to quite torrent of applause from queue.

Found Mrs Payne inevitably talking to Horseface in coffee shop.  Sat down in positive fury, questioning at once as to why Mrs Payne's dress was in my bag to return trousers.  Horseface gasped rather, sat bolt upright in silent joy, awaiting the show.  At this Mrs Payne carefully scrutinised plain white carrier bag, saying after some moments,
"I put the dress I wanted to keep in this bag so it didn't get mixed up" adding with amusement, "I dare say your trousers are under one of my dresses at home!"  Quite furious at this, exclaimed in annoyance,
"I've just tried to return your dress!"  Horseface's vow of silence ended, bursting into shrill laughter that caused numerous patrons to turn around in their chairs, further made worse as Mrs Payne innocently opening bag to Horseface's request, and bringing dress out of bag, exclaimed through tears of laughter,
"Not your .. colour!"
Quite ignoring this extensive laughter, Mrs Payne queried carefully,
"Cake?"  Bound to say fearfully angry at this, declared sternly,
"No cake."  Stared out of window in fearful annoyance as Mrs Payne repeated with optimism,
"Biscuits?  Robert?  Biscuits?"

The Diary will not be published next week (4th-8th of Feb) as I'm travelling, but may return the week after (when I'm also travelling).

Recommend this on Medium.