Found Mrs Payne after breakfast this morning still fretting over best dress to keep, with positive pile of them covering lounge such that could well be mistaken for flower shop. Holding up two dresses, Mrs Payne queried as to which I preferred. Bound to say found them almost identical, and equally frightful, declared earnestly,
"Oh, I dare say both!"
Queried perhaps Mrs Payne would like to come to coffee shop, assuming she could pick her dress in next 15 minutes. Might even see about cake! Had barely finished this offer as Mrs Payne exclaimed quickly,
"I pick this one."
Came downstairs to find Mrs Payne ready for cake, although most annoyed to find dresses still strewn throughout lounge. Saw other half had kindly put trousers in carrier bag for me, so picked this up as received much barraging from Mrs Payne as to whether she might have cake and biscuits. Declared generously, she could.
Got into town and promptly sent Mrs Payne in direction of coffee shop as went to clothes shop myself. Queue quite frightful for returns, evidently more people had thought better of such discounts. Looked back as reached front of line to find positively half dozen people behind. Most pleased to have got in before them.
Customer service chap being available, walked over and said would like to return item, were frightfully short, and feeling in rather good mood, exclaimed as to wife not liking pattern. Looked behind me again to see quite two more people having joined queue. Thought with amusement should jolly well have got up earlier! Returned my gaze to chap to find him looking altogether confused. Could certainly see why was too short, and wife did not like pattern, but was terribly sorry, could not return it. At this chap drew item out of the bag, holding in front of him such as might be checking its size, one of Mrs Payne's dresses, saying to colleague next to him,
"Hey, this man wants to return a dress!"
Positively shrank as colleague quite ignored him, as chap repeated himself at volume,
"This man has a dress!" at which heard numerous giggles behind me. Bound to say gave customer service chap quite staring of his life as I grabbed dress from him and shoved it into bag. Quite stalked out of the shop as chap shouted after me,
"Try the dress shop next door!" to quite torrent of applause from queue.
Found Mrs Payne inevitably talking to Horseface in coffee shop. Sat down in positive fury, questioning at once as to why Mrs Payne's dress was in my bag to return trousers. Horseface gasped rather, sat bolt upright in silent joy, awaiting the show. At this Mrs Payne carefully scrutinised plain white carrier bag, saying after some moments,
"I put the dress I wanted to keep in this bag so it didn't get mixed up" adding with amusement, "I dare say your trousers are under one of my dresses at home!" Quite furious at this, exclaimed in annoyance,
"I've just tried to return your dress!" Horseface's vow of silence ended, bursting into shrill laughter that caused numerous patrons to turn around in their chairs, further made worse as Mrs Payne innocently opening bag to Horseface's request, and bringing dress out of bag, exclaimed through tears of laughter,
"Not your .. colour!"
Quite ignoring this extensive laughter, Mrs Payne queried carefully,
"Cake?" Bound to say fearfully angry at this, declared sternly,
"No cake." Stared out of window in fearful annoyance as Mrs Payne repeated with optimism,
"Biscuits? Robert? Biscuits?"
The Diary will not be published next week (4th-8th of Feb) as I'm travelling, but may return the week after (when I'm also travelling).
Recommend this on Medium.