Friday, 29 March 2013

Day 275

W.I meeting continued fearfully long yesterday.  Was quite certain house was silent, went downstairs and find numerous ladies, by the by all wearing quite ridiculously large hats, in plaintive silence.  Mrs Payne queried optimistically,
"Biscuits?" and seeing me, added sternly,
"W.I business!"

Horseface apparently glad to see me, introduced me rather kindly, said was ever so good of me to loan our lounge.  At this asked in addition,
"Biscuit, Robert?  Anyone?" to which received numerous replies of,
"No!"  At this Horseface smiled kindly, exclaiming with concern,
"We have had rather a lot of biscuits."  At this Mrs Payne put down half eaten biscuit on plate, queried carefully,
"Pardon?"

Taking opportunity of disquiet, rather small, kind looking women exclaimed wearily,
"I think it's time to be going."  At which women stood quickly, bound to say most concerning as positively stalked to door.  Queried through the women as to whether any sausage rolls left, at which Mrs Payne said in annoyance,
"Not a sausage!" before looking rather pleased with herself, exclaiming brightly,
"Oh, I made a funny!"

Bound to say W.I most disinterested in Mrs Payne's funny, filed out rather eagerly as Horseface followed, saying regally,
"I should like a turn in the park.  Would anyone like to join me?"  Mrs Payne vigorously retrieved shoes, exclaiming from doorstep as to coming along.  At this small kind looking women returned, said rather plainly,
"Mrs Payne, thank you again for your hospitality, we will certainly be considering the secretaryship, although I must say I received word from the W.I regarding some financial miscalculations."  At this small women looking rather less kind returned to car, with Mrs Payne looking positively furious as she got into Horseface's motor, saying through gritted teeth in a furious pitch,
"There was not enough money for cake!"
Promptly slammed door as I was helping myself to one or two biscuits, as queried curiously,
"W.I business?"

Thursday, 28 March 2013

Day 274

Bound to say was most tired this morning, altogether made worse as Mrs Payne rushing around regards preparing for W.I meeting.  Saw platefuls of biscuits transported to lounge, with positively hours until W.I arrived.  Queried as to being rather early, at which Mrs Payne uttered in annoyance,
"Early!  I don't have time for this!  Early!"  Mrs Payne continued rushing around as asked in broken sentence,
"I say, do you know, you're still, in your nightgown?"

Came downstairs for mid-morning tea rather early such that would miss W.I.  Most thankful that Mrs Payne now dressed, stood looking over preparations in lounge with a careful eye.  Queried as to wanted tea, at which Mrs Payne looked rather frantic, exclaimed with concern,
"Don't move anything!"  Carefully set about making tea, and most annoyed as found not a jot to pour tea into on account of crockery being reserved for guests.  Said this most ridiculous, at which Mrs Payne scoured kitchen, presenting me with receptacle.  Suggested glass most unsuitable to hold tea, by the by, was a vase.  Most displeased at this Mrs Payne finally found mug usually reserved for builders, at which reluctantly poured tea.  Thought this decided rough.  Queried as to Mrs Payne's tea, at which received reply,
"I don't have time for pouring!  Just put the milk in the teapot and I'll drink out of the spout!"

Positively horrified as doorbell rang, was certain to be quite fearful member of W.I early.  At this Mrs Payne steeled herself, put on new hat, which bound to say was most ridiculous in circumference, and after uttering in my direction,
"Don't look untidy!" set about opening front door.  Most pleased as door opened, and exclaimed rather brightly,
"Oh, it's only you!" at which Horseface laughed rather, exclaimed brilliantly,
"Oh, it's only ever me!" promptly striding into house with quite largest hat have ever seen.  Mrs Payne greeted Horseface warmly, whilst bound to say looking quite furious in direction of hat.  Straightening her hat rather, Mrs Payne bid Horseface to sit, at which I dutifully asked might I take her hat.  At this Horseface exclaimed with amusement,
"No need, Robert!  One should be seen in their hat at the W.I!  The bigger the better!  It's most ridiculous, I know!" at which Mrs Payne straightened her hat again, added in annoyance,
"Ridiculous."

Clutched my builder's mug as said had best be to work, with Horseface querying as to tea.  At this explained had to save best crockery, was second class citizen in one's own home!  Horseface exclaimed with amusement I was a poor dear, might I like a biscuit?  Mrs Payne exclaiming loudly,
"No biscuits!  This is official W.I business!" and as Horseface stiffled laughter, Mrs Payne added with annoyance,
"Move along!"

Wednesday, 27 March 2013

Day 273

Came downstairs yesterday evening to find Mrs Payne in kitchen staring at small plate of biscuits, at which was asked if looked homemade.  Declared certainly did not, looked quite fearfully manufactured, by the by, might I have one?  Positively hours before dinner.  Mrs Payne and I silently cleared the plate, after which Mrs Payne said brightly,
"What if I.." before vigorously bashing the remaining packet on table, exclaiming as she tipped out biscuits,
"That will make them look more irregular!"  At this quite avalanche of crumbs escaped onto plate and table, with Mrs Payne said in disappointment,
"Oh" adding after some moments, "that will never do."

Bound to say ate the crumbs as waited for other half to come home for dinner, Mrs Payne perusing recipe book regards biscuits.  Other half rather pleased upon hearing about mother joining W.I, querying carefully,
"Do you think they'll know about your .. 'past'?"  Mrs Payne most affronted with this, exclaiming in annoyance,
"I'm not a criminal!"  Other half positively rolled around as, having finished biscuit crumbs, I exclaimed brightly,
"We shall let the courts decide!"  Mrs Payne furious.

Positively fearful evening, with other half helping mother rather as one would help child with homework.  Mrs Payne petulant throughout, saying as offered them sherry,
"Robert, might you help with biscuits?  I'm fearfully bored."  Thought this rather jolly affair, and promptly set about rolling and cutting biscuits, dashing tray after tray in and out of oven such that had quite pile of delicious biscuits by midnight.  Not ashamed to say one or two rapidly eaten.

Mrs Payne positively asleep through most of this work, with other half quietly waking mother around midnight.  At this Mrs Payne stirred, started rather, exclaimed in slumber "Hat! My hat!" and waking, looked at biscuits with much pleasure, said we were ever so good, promptly sampled one.  Other half exclaimed with yawn was time for bed, at which Mrs Payne exclaimed with concern,
"We haven't made the vol au vents yet!"

Tuesday, 26 March 2013

Day 272

Mrs Payne in positive frenzy yesterday regards W.I.  Telephoned local branch and was on telephone all morning, querying as I came down for mid-morning tea,
"Might you bring biscuit barrel?" before returning to telephone, exclaiming with bemusement,
"Men!"

Bound to say biscuit barrel not forthcoming, and presently passed Mrs Payne with tea, at which was most furious.  Held hand over telephone mouthpiece, exclaiming in annoyance,
"What about the biscuit barrel!"
Continued with my tea up stairs, as Mrs Payne repeating loudly,
"My biscuits!" before adding carefully, "oh no, not you.  Yes, biscuits!  I'll make biscuits!"

Most pleased to find Mrs Payne finished with telephone by lunchtime, was sat on sofa with biscuit barrel, as said petulantly,
"I could have starved!"  Declared this most unlikely, at which Mrs Payne said sweetly was probably right, might I take her to supermarket?  Should like to buy a few items.  By the by, was having W.I coffee morning at our house on Wednesday.  Most displeased at this and said as much, at which Mrs Payne said optimistically,
"I'll save you some sausage rolls?"

Thought rather seriously over lunch regards taking Mrs Payne to supermarket.  W.I certain to be positive nightmare, but would surely see Mrs Payne out of house more often.  As such set off after lunch to supermarket, at which bound to say came to quite horrifying amount.  Till girl asked regards payment, at which made quite clear was not paying myself.  Most shocked as Mrs Payne sighed, promptly pulled out 50 pound note, saying with vigour as handed over the note,
"For the good of the W.I!"

Monday, 25 March 2013

Day 271

Had boss and Horseface around for dinner at weekend.  Had most jolly time, and bound to say Horseface positively thrilled to the core to announce was joining the Women's Institute!  The "W.I" being ever such a modern organisation, isn't just sitting around eating cake and saying how terrible men are!  At which Mrs Payne exclaimed in annoyance,
"That was the best bit!"

Bound to say Mrs Payne looking most displeased as Horseface continued explaining regards various activities and such, with Mrs Payne saying rather dismissively,
"I used to be in the W.I once.  The secretary, indeed.  It was rather tiresome."  At this other half exclaimed in amusement,
"I say, were you not given the sack for fiddling the books?"  Mrs Payne looked positively furious at this, before saying in slow crescendo,
"There was not enough money for cake!"

Horseface mentioned, by the by, they were holding elections for secretary shortly, sounded ever so jolly, would see about running herself!  Mrs Payne sat in rather annoyed silence thereafter.

Horseface and boss having left, Mrs Payne exclaimed in furious agitation,
"The W.I will let just about anyone in these days!  As a former member, I feel it's my duty to keep power-hungry women like that out of the W.I!"  At this other half queried with concern,
"What are you going to do?"  Mrs Payne stared with narrow eyes, saying carefully,
"I don't know.  But I shall need a new hat.  It's my duty as a former secretary.." at which other half interjected,
"Sacked secretary." Mrs Payne broke her stare, turning to her daughter and saying with displeasure,
"I do wish you would stop saying that."

Friday, 15 March 2013

Day 270

Explained to other half rather gravely before dinner had some terribly bad news.  Was walking at lunch and imagine horror as step counter slipped off belt, promptly smashed into million pieces.  Mrs Payne coughed rather at this, added superiorly,
"I should have been more careful, Robert."  Other half most annoyed, said was quite outrage to sell such flimsy item, shall return it immediately!  Positively had heart attack as Mrs Payne exclaimed indignantly,
"You should!"

Bound to say quite horrifying as explained truth of what had happened, other half listening intently, before saying with some exasperation,
"I don't know who's worse, the organ grinder, or the monkey!"  Mrs Payne exclaiming with some annoyance,
"I say!  I hope I'm the organ grinder!"

Suggested by way of distraction I might weigh myself, was positively sure to have lost weight!  Thought this rather brilliant as was sure to secure dessert, quite deserved despite fearful step counter.  Tripped upstairs to check scales, only to come down several moments later with much disappointment.  Explained with dismay weighed exactly the same.  Could not understand it!  Other half rather disappointed with this, said I had been very good, before declaring kindly,
"Best not have dessert, dear."

Ate dinner with terrible disappointment whilst Mrs Payne mused as to how delicious dessert was going to be.  Bound to say other half disappointed also, saying with optimism,
"I say, you don't think those fearful old scales are wrong, do you?"  Declared instantly I thought they were.  Bound to say was most surprised as Mrs Payne explained nonchalantly,
"Oh yes, those scales are fearful.  My weight was all wrong so I stuck a hat pin in the innards."  Other half and I looked at each other as begged her pardon, what had she done?  As continued eating Mrs Payne repeated,
"I stuck a hat pin in the bottom.  It had me weighing positively stones more than I should!  So I fixed it so I was 12 stone.  They're quite right now.  What's for dessert?"  At this other half said were having sponge pudding, before exclaiming,
"You haven't weighed 12 stone since you were my age!"  Mrs Payne declared indignantly this positive nonsense, by the by, was there extra dessert going begging?  Most amused as other half exclaimed,
"You're not having any!" and before mother had a moment to respond, added loudly,
"Rations!"

Thursday, 14 March 2013

Day 269

Most disappointed yesterday at afternoon tea as asked Mrs Payne regards step counter.  Replied was up to 700 steps and arm hurt fearfully.  Queried as to using other arm, at which Mrs Payne said with exasperation,
"How do you think I got the first five hundred!"

Was evident that had not a hope of reaching 10,000 steps.  Mrs Payne wobbled her arms, uttering an "oof" as had a rest.  Most annoyed at Mrs Payne's lacklustre efforts.  Thought rather seriously whilst making tea as to solution.  Bound to say was taking it awfully seriously as was jolly well owed those steps.  Fearful device.  Pleased as struck upon the solution.  Explained with delight could put it in tumble dryer!  Was sure to tumble enough steps.  Asked Mrs Payne might she pop it in, making quite certain as to being on cold, not hot.  Mrs Payne thought this quite cleverest of ideas, and was bound to say I agreed.  Left Mrs Payne to her task, further uttering "oof" on account of arms.  Was sure this most unnecessary.

Came downstairs before other half came home to check on step counter.  Asked Mrs Payne regards progress, at which looked up from crossword, saying without concern had not checked.  Most annoyed at this, had she not checked steps, had been on half afternoon!  At this Mrs Payne rather displeased, explained as waved pen,
"I've been busy!"  Stalked into kitchen with Mrs Payne following, as I said with some annoyance,
"The clothes will be bone dry!"
Positively horrified as  Mrs Payne queried with interest,
"What clothes?"

Held tiny pieces of step counter in hand, positively smashed to atoms with two hours of tumbling.  Mrs Payne peered down as scrutinised little pieces, saying with curiosity,
"I should like to see you explain this, Robert."

Wednesday, 13 March 2013

Day 268

Sat staring at dry toast this morning over breakfast, eating rather slowly by way of making it seem more.  Most annoyed as Mrs Payne eating positive quantity.  Other half at once exclaimed had forgot she had surprise for me.  At this reached into bag and presented tiny electronic item, declaring brightly,
"It's a step counter!"  Mrs Payne positively awed by this as other half explained it counted your steps each day.  By the by, if I walked 10,000 steps, deserved treat for dessert later!  Bound to say rather buoyed by this as Mrs Payne surveyed the item closely, saying with curiosity,
"It counts your steps?  How does it know?"

Presently turned step counter on and explained regards titling motion.  Mrs Payne quite delighted by this, tilted item several times, saying with child-like excitement,
"Five!  No, six!" adding seriously, "what an age we live in."

Other half soon departed for work and set about work myself.  Clipped step counter on belt all the same, was certain to need every step to count.  Checked mid-morning and most annoyed as steps displayed mere 25.  Made tea as Mrs Payne queried petulantly,
"When can I have a turn?"  At this declared step counter most unnecessary, barely walked a step.  Mrs Payne most displeased, exclaimed in annoyance,
"I walked into the kitchen to get biscuits!  Twice!"

Went out for terribly long walk for lunch, was quite certain to have positively thousands of steps.  Came home altogether warm in process, at which said to Mrs Payne with gasp was terribly invigorating, should try it!  Mrs Payne altogether dismissive of this, querying with excitement,
"How many steps!"  Looked at the device as had positively ignored it during walking for fear of discouragement.  Had rather wished I had, as exclaimed to Mrs Payne in dismay,
"A hundred and twelve."

Positively furious as ate equally rationed lunch, Mrs Payne eyeing the step counter sharply, saying with some consideration,
"I say Robert, you musn't be walking properly.  I've done 10 steps already."  At this Mrs Payne vigorously shook the item, after which added,
"That's another 9 steps.  It's jolly fun!"

Thought rather as ate barely buttered toast, at which queried as brightly as I could,
"I say, Mrs Payne!  I've got a game for you this afternoon!  It's jolly fun!"

Tuesday, 12 March 2013

Day 267

Went to coffee shop this morning by way of cheering oneself up.  Diet quite fearful and bound to say altogether worse as Mrs Payne eating more than ever.  Queried as to cutting down herself, at which Mrs Payne exclaimed as helped herself to seconds of pudding, was eating not an atom more than necessary.  Declared that jolly rich!  Mrs Payne saying with pleasure,
"It is rather!"

Had not even got to coffee shop as met Horseface, saying with fearful brightness what jolly day it was.  Declared it decided not, at which Horseface queried with some amusement,
"I say, Robert!  Cheer up!  Has Bitty sat on your favourite hat?"  Mrs Payne most displeased at this.  Terribly amused.

Explained as walked to coffee shop regards diet, at which Horseface explained could not think of having milky coffee, think of calories!  Declared was concerned not a jot for this, at which Mrs Payne, still displeased regards hat joke, said would be forced to tell daughter "for my own good".  Positively furious as stalked into coffee shop first, Horseface cantering after, saying brightly,
"Wait up!  I'll order!"

Bound to say understood barely jot of Horseface's order, positive stream of no-fat-this, and extra-froth that.  Quite horrified as paid three pounds for the item, made worse by purchasing Mrs Payne's also, in quite largest of mugs such that queried might she like bucket instead.  This duly declined, Mrs Payne said would certainly like cake though, adding quietly as surveyed counter,
"Now, which is largest.."
Mrs Payne taking fearful amount of time to decide, queried coffee chap as to low fat options.  At this chap explained had low fat cookie, might I like that?  Declared it highly unlikely, would take one all the same.  Positively frightful as this was put on plate, quite size of dessert spoon and a pound into the bargain.  Mrs Payne having decided by way of largest being Victoria sponge, looked at my treat, saying with amusement,
"I say, the size of that, I don't know why you're bothering!" adding as her Victoria sponge was shovelled onto plate,
"Oh yes, lovely!"

All sat down, and talked to Horseface as Mrs Payne ate cake in silence, occasionally nibbling crumbs from my tiny biscuit.  Horseface soon asked regards my coffee, at which declared had not got to coffee yet.  Horseface nodded approvingly,
"That's the froth!  Ever so low fat!"
Drank my coffee with dismay.  You could really taste the low fat.

Monday, 11 March 2013

Day 266

Frightfully shocked yesterday as stood on scales for first time in positively years and gazed at dial showing quite horrifying weight.  Explained this to other half and Mrs Payne after dinner, at which other half declared I was "getting a bit round", adding by the by, had I eaten two helpings of dessert?  Thought this decided rough and said as much.

Quite some discussion ensued as to quantity of toast consumed, at which admitted had been eating rather a lot.  Other half positively seized up on this, declaring loudly,
"Right, you're on rations!"  Replied this positively ridiculous had merely to cut down a little, did not want to waste away.  Mrs Payne shifted rather on sofa, exclaimed with a little 'oof',
"You do eat a fearful lot, Robert."  Said with some annoyance that certainly took the biscuit, at which Mrs Payne said optimistically,
"Biscuits?"

Came downstairs this morning to find a solitary slice of bread upon my plate, Mrs Payne explaining with some amusement,
"Rations!"  Put the slice into toaster with disappointment, and whilst waiting looked around, saying with much annoyance,
"Where's the butter!"
Quite ignored Mrs Payne as she began uttering "ra..", other half kindly declaring had put a bit on plate.  At this exclaimed with some annoyance as to being positively microscopic, seeing on Mrs Payne's plate quite mountain of the product.  Queried as to Mrs Payne not being on rations, at which explained with much pleasure whilst buttering liberally,
"I'm on double rations!"

At my dry toast in silence.

Friday, 8 March 2013

Day 265

Came downstairs this morning to find other half and Mrs Payne at breakfast table, adorned by headscarfs and sunglasses.  Bid good morning to Thelma and Louise, at which both equally delighted giggling like children   Queried as to when motor was arriving, at which Mrs Payne explained was to be delivered on trailer mid-morning, and removing sunglasses by way of emphasis, exclaimed with excitement,
"Fancy!"
Soon left other half and Mrs Payne to their breakfast, both struggling rather on account of sunglasses, Mrs Payne exclaiming as I left,
"I say, I can't see what the devil I'm eating."

Came downstairs mid-morning to find not a sign of Mrs Payne, apparently having set up deck chair on lawn to wait for motor.  Bound to say looked terribly cold, at which other half, more sensibly in house, exclaimed it was "bracing".  Declared I hoped would say the same when wind flying past ears in mother's convertible.  Looked out of window to see Mrs Payne fearlessly holding headscarf, exclaiming at quite some volume to suspicious old couple,
"Oh yes!  Convertible!  Here any moment!"

Was some time before lunch that van arrived outside, pulling behind it rather fancy covered trailer and bound to say was rather excited to see the motor myself.  Found front door agape as other half had joined other on lawn, most annoyed at letting heat out.  Mrs Payne shouted with delight,
"Robert, might you bring my driving gloves!"

Promptly all were present on lawn, with suspicious old couple looking from opposite side of road.  Delivery driver terribly nice chap soon presented himself, asking who Elizabeth Payne was as had vehicle delivery.  With  pleasure such that might pop, Mrs Payne squealed with excitement,
"I am!"
At this delivery driver began unbolting rear door, saying as he did,
"Best part of the job, this.  Beautiful colour too."

The rear door slowly flapped down, revealing for all the beautiful red vehicle.  Mrs Payne's headscarf promptly flew off, and with not a jot of concern for the item, Mrs Payne stood open mouthed staring inside the trailer.  Delivery driver soon reversed vehicle out for full view, and bound to say I admired it rather, exclaiming above the otherwise silence,
"I say, what a nice colour!  And convertible too!  Oh yes, terribly nice roof."

Standing proudly beside the vehicle, delivery driver held waved arm by way of introduction, querying with equal excitement,
"What do you think!"  At this Mrs Payne stood quite silent, and was quite certain went as red in face as the paintwork, saying after some moments of shaking anger,
"What is the meaning of this!  I ordered a red convertible!"  Delivery driver shuffled rather, and showing much disappointment, said nervously,
"But..  It is a red convertible.  I'm terribly sorry, is this not what you ordered?"  Mrs Payne exclaiming at furious volume,
"It's an mobility scooter!  I ordered a red convertible!"

Silence fell over those on lawn, as heard over the wind suspicious old couple opposite each shouting across,
"Oh yes!  Lovely!"
Quite ignoring this, Mrs Payne glared directly at delivery driver, poor chap, as said in slow annoyance,
"The motor car company rang and asked about buying a vehicle.  They said specifically about a convertible, and said they offered very good deals."  Looking terribly concerned delivery driver demonstrated roof, as explained,
"See, a convertible.  Red.  You see..  This is what we sell."

Mrs Payne profoundly didn't see.  Other half sighed rather as Mrs Payne stared at the mobility scooter in fury.  Considered after some moments regards Mrs Payne's request, as held out my hand, saying optimistically,
"Would you like your driving gloves now?"

Thursday, 7 March 2013

Day 264


Positively furious this morning as went into town for coffee.  Set off with Mrs Payne, despite being quite adamant as to not buying cake.  Mrs Payne declared concerned not a jot for cake, was buying driving gloves and scarf for new motor.  Bound to say received quite avalanche of suggestions regards driving.  Stared ahead in furious silence as Mrs Payne uttered in succession "move over a bit", "watch out for the traffic lights", by the by, were green, and as Mrs Payne gave rather fearful tug on seat belt, declared rather gravely,
"I dare say this may fall apart at any moment. This motor will be the end of us."

Declared in much annoyance as to whether Mrs Payne would like to drive, and positively furious as Mrs Payne declared nonchalantly,
"I dare say I would do better."  At this quite pulled over, as said with much aggravation,
"Be my guest!"  At this got out of car, any to much surprise, bid Mrs Payne to driver's seat.


Bound to say Mrs Payne's driving fearfully slow, looked at speedometer to find was doing barely a jot above 20 miles per hour, in 2nd gear all the while.  Exclaimed as to 3rd gear being ever so useful, at which Mrs Payne said superiorly,
"Slow and steady wins the race."  Thought it must be decidedly slow race.

Most shocked a while later as Mrs Payne exclaimed as looked in rear view mirror,
"Oh no!  The police!"  Looked behind to see blue flashing lights and some gesturing as to pulling over. Suggested spot to Mrs Payne, at which said frantically,
"I can lose him!"  At this car jerked forward as Mrs Payne put "pedal to the metal", car revving fearfully as Mrs Payne repeated,
"I can lose him!"  Found this quite frightful as exclaimed loudly,
"Change gear!"

Positively barrelling along at 30 miles per hour, Mrs Payne asked nervously,
"Did we lose him?"  Declared we hadn't, suggested she might pull over.  Mrs Payne most furious at this, did so in lay-by, saying nervously as stared straight ahead,
"Just act natural."  Had just finished exclaiming "What the devil!" as policeman knocked on driver's window.  At this Mrs Payne fumbled for window switch, promptly winding down my window as said through glass,
"Is there a problem, officer?"  Most annoyed at this, Mrs Payne tried again, cleared her throat as window descended, repeating loudly,
"Is there a problem, officer?"
Officer evidently most displeased at this, said with annoyance,
"No need to shout, madam.  Licence please."
Rummaging through bag Mrs Payne exclaimed nervously "Oh, I say!" and finding the item she desired, held hand out of window, querying optimistically,
"Wine gum?"

Wine gum having been declined, Mrs Payne provided driving licence, and all being well was given quite some dressing down as to "not making progress".  This Mrs Payne took altogether seriously, declaring "Yes, officer" in correct places.  Once this completed officer bid us safe driving, left Mrs Payne thoughtfully chewing wine gum.  Most pleased as Mrs Payne said after some moments,
"Would you like to drive, Robert?" adding with some annoyance,
"What a fearful motorcar."

Wednesday, 6 March 2013

Day 263

Bound to say other half most displeased last night regards Mrs Payne's motorcar.  Declared it "bally folly", further added I could drive her anywhere she wished to go.  Rather started at this, declared was not a taxi service.  Mrs Payne explained she should not like to travel in such an unsound motor anyway, not when she would have her convertible on Friday!  Had only to sign paperwork and be away!  Other half altogether changed tune at this, explained had anyways wanted convertible.  Might she have the first ride?  Would take Friday off especially!  Other half adding with emphasis someone too much of miser for convertible.  Thought this decided rough.

Found Mrs Payne up early this morning, having arranged refresher driving lesson.  Came into kitchen as Mrs Payne exclaimed loudly,
"Get out of my way, Robert!  Parp!  Parp!"
Most annoyed at this, queried did she have to rearrange kitchen chairs, at which explained was practicing driving.  Declared wearily this most ridiculous, by the by, could I have washing up bowl back?  Mrs Payne handed washing up bowl, saying with disappointment,
"That was the steering wheel."

Heard knock at front door mid-morning, and went down to find driving instructor quite as old as Mrs Payne upon door step.  Thought it terribly amusing as shouted to Mrs Payne,
"I say, your date is here!"  Mrs Payne bustled to front door, saying with annoyance,
"Don't mind him, here's a fearful idiot."

Watched out of front door for quite some minutes as driving instructor familiarised Mrs Payne with motorcar, this apparently taking quite some minutes regards adjusting seat to fit Mrs Payne's posterior.  Evidently quite ignoring instructor, Mrs Payne wound down passenger window, and shouting past instructor, exclaimed to Mrs Uptight walking past,
"I'm a motorist!" and honked horn such that Mrs Uptight quite jumped out of skin.  Bound to say both instructor and Mrs Uptight positively furious at this, apparently having quite some words, Mrs Payne looking rather more serious thereafter.

Mrs Payne finally started car, waved with delight as shouted in my direction,
"Chocks away!"  Promptly stalled car.  Followed quite some annoyed discussion, and having decided had watched enough, closed door as heard Mrs Payne say in loud annoyance,
"How was I to know the handbrake was on!  Can't you do that!"

Tuesday, 5 March 2013

Day 262

Came downstairs for lunch having worked fearfully all morning to catch up work.  Found Mrs Payne on telephone, and most shocked as said in hushed tone,
"I say Robert, I'm buying a motorcar!"
Thought this most ridiculous and quite certainly incorrect as set about making lunch, Mrs Payne exclaiming in delight,
"I should like a red one please!"

Bound to say was getting altogether concerned as Mrs Payne confirmed various specifications, querying after some minutes,
"Is your motorcar a convertible, Robert?" at which having answered in the negative, Mrs Payne exclaimed in delight,
"I should like a convertible!"

Was eating toast as Mrs Payne finally hung up telephone, quite delighted with purchase to be delivered in person on Friday.  Was most displeased with this as queried where money was coming from for the motor.  Mrs Payne declaring nonchalantly as to have a "few pounds" saved.  At this queried with some annoyance as to why I was providing her with weekly cake rations.  Mrs Payne explaining with some surprise,
"I've got motorcar money, not cake money!"

Ate toast silently for some moments before realising with amusement Mrs Payne's predicament.  Queried as to whether Mrs Payne had driving licence.  Most surprised as Mrs Payne said carelessly,
"Oh yes, I got it when I was a girl."  Rather concerned as Mrs Payne continued,
"I never used it though."

Query as to what year driving licence acquired most unsuccessful, and bound to say altogether concerned over Mrs Payne's capability behind wheel.  Suggested perhaps could organise driving lesson.  Mrs Payne most dismissive, set about miming driving her motor,
"You never forget how to drive.  Accelerate!  Left!  Right!  Parp!  Parp!  Brake!" adding with pleasure,
"Bitty in her red sportscar!  I shall be the talk of the town!  Get out of the way, Robert!  Overtake!  Parp!"

Monday, 4 March 2013

Day 261

This morning Mrs Payne positively insistent regards going into town. Declared this quite impossible on account of fearful amount of work. Mrs Payne continued regardless, as hit upon quite cleverest of ideas. Declared had quite perfect way to get Mrs Payne out of house, she might bus into town!  Bound to say Mrs Payne most indignant at this, saying in annoyance,
"I say, I have never been on a bus in my life!" at which most odd as added after some moments,
"Of course, I should use the bus all the time, if I only had someone to show me."

Fearfully annoyed as stood as bus stop clutching work, Mrs Payne carefully leaning on nearby gate, querying brightly,
"Can you see the bus yet?" Declared could jolly well not see bus, terribly late, further, would have altogether sharp words with driver. Most annoyed as Mrs Payne explained superiorly,
"He won't understand you.  Bus drivers are Polish the newspapers say."
Was just about to declare was not all bus drivers Polish as bus arrived, and bound to say thought rather better of having words as doors opened to reveal quite angriest looking man staring out, name badge saying optimistically, "Derek - Brightening your bus."

Fumbled rather with money as Derek scowled, Mrs Payne querying with interest,
"Might you take is to the coffee shop directly?" This promptly ignored, Mrs Payne exclaimed to driver,
"Jen koo yeh!" to which received not glimpse of interest.  Set about sitting down as Mrs Payne said with disappointment,
"I must have said it wrong."

Arrived in town fearfully late, principally on account of getting off at wrong stop, at which Mrs Payne positively refused to walk, requiring waiting for another bus.  Further, had quite frightful time waiting, first being full, second failing to stop entirely.  Positively furious as continued to stand at bus stop, Mrs Payne querying incessantly,
"Can you see the bus yet?"

Finally stalked to coffee shop and set out work as Mrs Payne ate cake.  Had barely written a word as Horseface came in, and bound to say quite impossible to concentrate as Mrs Payne explained regards bus, Horseface thinking this quite hilarious occupation.  Quite gave up work as Horseface queried if were likely to get home by nightfall on bus.  Positively fearful as swallowed pride, asked Horseface quietly, might she give us a lift home?  Mrs Payne querying with amusement,
"No more buses then?"