Friday, 19 April 2013

Day 285

Bound to say was most annoyed last night making dinner,  trousers hanging over chair to dry as Mrs Payne exclaimed incredulously,
"I shouldn't think it was my fault!  What a fearful place to put a bin!"

Weather whipped up terrible as ate dinner, frightfully windy and rain positively lashed window as explained to other half forecast was awful for next few days, most unlikely to get pond completed.  Other half terribly disappointed with this, however cheered rather as queried whether mother might be able to continue, seeing as had bought her wellingtons.  At this Mrs Payne positively horrified, saying indignantly,
"The wind will go right up me!"

Bad weather continued over night, was woken up on several occasions by wind against window.  At breakfast other half and Mrs Payne said same.  Mrs Payne explaining gravely was worried would flood, could barely sleep a wink.  At this Mrs Payne brightened rather, said with pleasure,
"It's alright though, I put my wellingtons on in bed, then I fell right asleep!"  Other half looked rather seriously at mother, at which Mrs Payne added in annoyance,
"They were clean!"  Angled my head rather to look under table, most surprised Mrs Payne still wearing them.

Other half having left for work, set about getting ready myself as Mrs Payne finished off toast.  Positively dropped cup of tea in shock as Mrs Payne said nonchalantly,
"Oh, while I remember: by the by, the pond has gone."

Rushed to window and most shocked to see garden looking fearfully muddy, and further, not a glimpse of the pond mould.  Exclaimed in much dismay as to the wind and queried in awe,
"Where the devil has it gone?"  At this Mrs Payne looked up from her toast, querying plainly,

Thursday, 18 April 2013

Day 284

Spent positively whole afternoon yesterday bucketing water out of pond, terribly in danger of toppling over flooding water onto garden.  Mrs Payne quite absent from this having declared again with sorrow,
"I would help, but my wellingtons.."  Exclaimed in annoyance was not wearing wellingtons myself, was quite ridiculous excuse.  This quite ignored by Mrs Payne, presently overseeing proceedings from kitchen window, adding at some volume after a time,
"I say, you're not making very much progress!"

Other half most disappointed with pond when home, propped up with bins and still half full of water.  Bound to say was altogether tired, at which other half said I was a dear, thanked me warmly for the pond, would be ever so enjoyable when finished!  At this other half add brightly,
"Oh, I say!  I've got something for you!"  Returning after some moments later with box in arms, Mrs Payne following, adding petulantly,
"Why does Robert get a gift and I don't!"

Most curious as opened box, revealing rather floral wellington boots, at which queried as to rather not being my style, or size.  Other half positively delighted with this, exclaiming innocently was a frightful clot, terribly sorry, might they suit someone else?  Bound to say this awfully amusing as played along, saying with disappointment,
"I say, Mrs Payne, these wellingtons aren't my size or style, might you like them?"  At this other half positively rolled around laughing as Mrs Payne said furiously,
"Don't think I don't see what you've done here!" and taking the box in much annoyance sat on bench to don the items, other half saying in excitement,
"I say, they're just your size!"

Mrs Payne carefully tottered around garden in her wellingtons, saying with annoyance,
"I suppose you want me to help!"  At this other half and I exclaimed in horror,
"No!" as with a powerful "oof!" Mrs Payne yanked garden waste bin propping up pond, causing scream from other half, promptly jumped on bench, and as pond toppled over quite torrent of water splashed around garden.   Positively gallons of water rushed over legs and garden shoes, and as water drained away Mrs Payne looked at ground, lifting feet several times, saying proudly,
"Well my wellingtons work!"  At this Mrs Payne looked at me, quite frozen to the spot with fury and positively soaked to the knee, as added with surprise,
"I say, Robert, I should put your wellingtons on!"

Wednesday, 17 April 2013

Day 283

Most annoyed this morning as pond arrived.  Was quite certainly larger than had been told, as such hole frightfully lacking in length and width.  Further annoyed as rather burly delivery chap said in amusement as carefully propped pond up with dustbins,
"You'll need a bigger 'ole mate!" as Mrs Payne added in amusement,
"He's a fearfully slow digger!  I should have done it, but I don't have wellingtons.."

Stalked back into house and returned to work as Mrs Payne continued regards delivery, working terribly hard all morning and stopping not a jot for mid-morning tea.  Was most productive, as such thought would see about continuing to dig hole in afternoon, other half sure to be pleased with progress.

Came downstairs for lunch, as Mrs Payne echoed delivery chap, albeit rather more regally,
"I say, you'll need a bigger hole, Mr!" before giggling to herself as got up with an oof, querying optimistically,

Set about making lunch and positively shocked to the core as looked out of kitchen window, uttering in open-mouthed horror,
"I say, what the, what the devil!"  Slowly walked outside to survey the garden, with Mrs Payne following, as repeated in annoyance,

Looked at pond as queried loudly,
"Why does it have water in it!"  At this Mrs Payne explained with excitement,
"I filled it!"  Frightfully exasperated by this as said was now fearfully heavy, how might we move it?  Mrs Payne altogether unconcerned with this as exclaimed defiantly,
"We need something to put the fish in!" and as lifted lid on recycling bin, added in annoyance,
"We can't keep them in the bin!"

Peered into recycling bin, positively filled to brim with water and containing numerous fish.  Mrs Payne most pleased with this, mimicking fish as open and closed mouth with audible,
"Pop!  Pop!  Pop!" before saying with delight,
"I think they like me!"

Bound to say this all too much, queried with concern as to where recycling had been placed, at which Mrs Payne explained between pops,
"We put the recycling in the normal bin."  Positively furious at this, as normal bin already full.  Asked in annoyance where normal rubbish was, receiving bright response,
"In the garden waste bin."  Repeated with annoyance this quite ridiculous movement,
"You put the fish in the recycling bin, the recycling in the normal bin, and the normal rubbish in the garden waste bin?  Where did you put the garden waste?"  Positively shook in silent anger as Mrs Payne explained tersely,
"In your hole."

Tuesday, 16 April 2013

Day 282

Mrs Payne most excited regards pond, exclaimed over Sunday lunch,
"Can we get koi carp?  No!  Cod!  We can have fish and chips!"  Declared this most ridiculous, by the by, how large was pond?  At this other half altogether sheepish, said carelessly,
"Oh, barely a few feet.  More tea?"

Paced out dimension on lawn after lunch, and bound to say pond quite fearfully large, ten feet in length and quite four feet deep.  Declared this most unreasonable, if was any larger would jolly well have an island in middle!  Other half said I was being silly.  Exclaimed had not a chance of digging myself, at which Mrs Payne said earnestly,
"I will help!"  Most concerned as said this terribly kind, by the by, when did pond mould arrive?  At this other half altogether sheepish again, said optimistically,
"Tomorrow?" before adding melodically,
"I'll get the spade!"

Other half terribly excited regards pond, said I was a darling for digging it.  At this bound to say was altogether buoyed, said would certainly make short work of it, would have hole ready by dinner!  At this promptly started digging, Mrs Payne exclaiming as warily tottered back into house,
"Shan't be long!  You get started, Robert!"

Spent fearful amount of time digging, and bound to say most awfully tired before dinner.  Not a glimpse of Mrs Payne throughout, having declared upon numerous enquiries,
"I'm trying to find my wellingtons!"  All stood around hole before dinner, approximate oval in shape and most annoyed to say barely 6 inches deep.  Most displeased as Mrs Payne exclaimed in surprise,
"I say, this is barely fit for a puddle!"

Queried in much annoyance as to Mrs Payne finding wellingtons, at which Mrs Payne exclaimed in surprise as kicked small piece of soil back into hole,
"Oh, I forgot, I don't have any wellingtons!"

Monday, 15 April 2013

Day 281

Had most jolly Sunday morning, other half and Mrs Payne said were going to garden centre regards flowers, at which declared would read Sunday newspapers.  Queried as coats and hats were sought as to where various sections were,  Mrs Payne duly handing over each one, looking fearfully crumpled into the bargain, explaining without concern,
"I sat on them."

Sat reading newspaper once other half and Mrs Payne had left, and bound to say had one or two biscuits.  Thought this rather what Mrs Payne must be like daily.  With much excitement, sat in Mrs Payne's seat on sofa, by the by, had terribly flat cushion, as said in squeaky voice,
"I say Robert, where's the biscuits!  Oof oof oof!"  Thought this most amusing.

Rapidly got up as other half and Mrs Payne came in, and positively popped with excitement as Mrs Payne said with exasperation,
"I say Robert, where's the biscuits?"  Other half exclaimed with smile hoped I had not been up to mischief.  Made note to tell her about impression later.

Other half altogether delighted as said she had surprise for garden!  At this Mrs Payne, having found biscuit barrel, said nonchalantly through biscuit-filled mouth,
"We've bought a pond."  At this other half most displeased, said in annoyance,
"I said I would tell him!" adding brightly,
"Robert, you'll never guess!  We've bought a pond!"  Declared in annoyance would never have guessed.

Queried, by the by, was this sheer madness?  At this other half said it was an awfully nice pond, one of those clever moulded contraptions, ever so cheap, and the Updikes next door had a pond!  Other half looked ever so hopeful, so warmed rather as queried when contractors were arriving regards installation.  At this Mrs Payne looked at her daughter, queried cryptically,
"Now?" after which tottered into porch, and with careful oofing, returned, saying with delight,
"You'll never guess!  We've bought you a new spade!"

Friday, 5 April 2013

Day 280

Thankfully caught up with work on account of fearful busy afternoon and morning, as such declared before mid-morning tea rather I deserved trip into town for coffee and cake.  Mrs Payne looked up from mobile telephone, queried with interest,

Set off for town, Mrs Payne having explained might we have time to visit Fletchers' department store as had to buy some "smalls", explaining brightly,
"I don't need to remember what to buy, Sally remembers for me!"  Said this quite alright, might we see about coffee first, as Mrs Payne promptly added,
"And cake."

Saw Horseface in coffee shop, and bound to say still positively furious regards excursion to terrible coffee shop.  Queried with some sarcasm as to whether we would rather go elsewhere, heard local drop in centre had rather good coffee.  At this Mrs Payne most oblivious, asked with confusion,
"Shall I check how many stars?"

Apologised profusely regards being led astray by Mrs Payne, at which Horseface most reasonable, said with excitement should have seen boss' face when told him!  Mrs Payne positively ignored this, looking around shop with quite some concern, as held plug for phone, saying with concern,
"Oh dear.  I need to plug Sally in.  Oh dear, Sally!"  At this explained regards "Sally" running out of battery, Horseface saying with amusement,
"I say Bitty, there's a plug over there!"  Explained this rather far away, should certainly not leave such an item out of sight.  Mrs Payne most unconcerned with this, rummaged in bag, at which withdrew rather large bundle, exclaiming brightly,
"Not to worry!  I brought a 4-way extension!"

Mrs Payne most pleased as unwound extension, having carefully negotiated regards not putting it where someone could trip.  Having plugged in Mrs Payne presently sat down, popping extension on floor and tucking Sally at side of chair, as said with pleasure,
"Sally is charging!  She was only on 75 percent power, Sally could have gone at any moment!"  Chap on adjacent table most impressed with Mrs Payne's extension, said it quite brilliant to have brought it, might he plug in laptop also?  At this Mrs Payne fearfully pleased, said regally,
"You may", adding once chap had thanked her, "that'll be a pound, please."

Had terribly amusing conversation with Horseface regards boss' reaction regards two star cafe, as such all positively falling about laughing by time to leave, Mrs Payne saying with concern, was sure had something to remember.  At this queried did she perhaps need to buy some "smalls"?  Mrs Payne most relieved at this, said thankfully,
"Oh yes!  Don't mention by unmentionables though."

Stood admiring suits as Mrs Payne shopped for unmentionables, presently tottering up in quite frenzy, saying quickly,
"I put my list in Sally so I didn't forget, but I forgot Sally!"  At this Mrs Payne tottered off with not a moment for response, repeating loudly as she went,
"Oh dear!  Sally!"

Was with quite some dismay that stood in coffee shop, looking at chair Mrs Payne had sat in, finding not a glimpse of Sally.  Mrs Payne most upset at this, said tearfully
"They took Sally!" adding as dried eyes,
"I wouldn't mind, but they took the extension too."

Thursday, 4 April 2013

Day 279

Bound to say weather most jolly today, as such suggested to Mrs Payne we might lunch out.  At this Mrs Payne positively delighted, picked up mobile telephone as said brightly,
"I shall find us somewhere nice!" adding in annoyance,
"Fearful two stars."

Queried at mid-morning tea as to location, and most impressed with Mrs Payne finding place altogether near with delicious food, and bound to say rather affordable.  Thought it such a jolly day we might see about walking!  Mrs Payne quite incredulous at this, querying in annoyance,
"Walk?  With our legs?"

Stood in sun before lunch, Mrs Payne on doorstep looking altogether displeased as said optimistically,
"I thought we were going in the motor?"  Took not a jot of notice of this as queried brightly as to how we get there.  Most pleased as Mrs Payne relinquished, saying with disappointment,
"I'll walk if we must, but I want dessert!  Sally has a little map."  At this Mrs Payne tottered down the drive, clutching "Sally" her smartphone in one hand, with power cable trailing to handbag in other.  Rather smiled as closed front door, Mrs Payne adding in annoyance,
"Oof.  Come on, we haven't got all day!"

Was ever so slow walking, further as stopped terribly often regards Mrs Payne scrutinising map, repeating often,
"Sally knows the way!  Oof."  Bound to say however cared not a jot for speed, walked in sun in altogether good mood.  Was rather disappointed as Mrs Payne stopped, saying gratefully,
"Here we are!"

Had quite excellent lunch, and Mrs Payne altogether buoyed, said with amusement at least had got right place this time!  Declared as paid bill I thought "Sally" quite a triumph!  Mrs Payne rather less pleased, replied with outrage,
"What about my dessert!"

Set off for home at two o'clock, at which thought it quite fearfully long lunch.  Would stop not a jot for afternoon tea as was sure to need to make up time.  Walked for quite some time after which queried as to being near home, was surely taking longer.  At this Mrs Payne altogether unsure, explained was certain to be just over this bridge!  Yes, nearly home!  Was most annoyed as declared had not gone over bridge on way there, were we lost?  At this Mrs Payne explained were certainly on right track, adding with concern,
"By the by, you haven't seen a plug socket have you?"

Promptly stopped, looking at poor Sally, black screen and not an ounce of life in her.  Positively furious at this, queried as to how long had we been without map.  Quite astonished as Mrs Payne said optimistically,
"Oh, barely longer than half an hour!"  Declared this quite frightfully reckless, as Mrs Payne said with disappointment,
"I bought my charger, but there's nowhere to plug it in!"

Was quite four o'clock as arrived home, Mrs Payne constantly oofing and both altogether warm.  Mrs Payne positively fell into sofa as said in annoyance,
"I told you we shouldn't have walked!"  Too furious to answer.

Wednesday, 3 April 2013

Day 278

Mrs Payne positively obsessed with "Sally" smartphone as looked altogether seriously at device over dinner, saying in annoyance as asked what she might be doing,
"Do you mind!  I'm concentrating!"  Altogether silent as served dessert, with Mrs Payne mindlessly spooning sponge into mouth, which bound to say quantity of on table.  Was all but finished as Mrs Payne exclaimed in loud annoyance,
"Fearful smartbob, Sally beat me again!"  At this Mrs Payne put smartphone down on table with quite some force, causing dessert bowl to jump rather as looked positively furious.  Calming herself Mrs Payne declared regally,
"Silly game" promptly began retrieving sponge from tablecloth.  Queried carefully as to what she was playing, at which Mrs Payne further annoyed,
"Noughts and crosses!  Fearful game!"

Cleared away dinner, after which found Mrs Payne in lounge with laptop on knee looking altogether pleased, querying brightly,
"Might we have sherry?  I'm celebrating!"  At this Mrs Payne continued concentrating on laptop, picking up smartphone and pressing them together as said with amusement,
"Lapbob, meet smartbob!"

Served sherry, at which Mrs Payne exclaimed ,
"I drew!" adding with delight "Sally isn't so clever now!"  Was most curious as Mrs Payne returned to furiously working the laptop, saying with optimism,

"I'm certain to win next time!"

Was altogether late and not a drop of sherry left in glasses as Mrs Payne uttered again,
"I drew!" as other half said wearily,
"You'll never win, it's time for bed."  At this Mrs Payne exclaimed superiourly,
"I've got lapbob helping!  I'm sure to beat Sally soon!"  Followed explanation of quite brilliant solution as to playing noughts on smartphone and crosses on laptop, adding with pleasure,
"My lapbob tells me the best move!  It's a fearfully clever strategy I should warrant!"  Other half queried as to this rather being cheating, as Mrs Payne replied most indignantly in response,
"It's not cheating!" and hushing voice, added carefully, "Sally doesn't know!"

Monday, 1 April 2013

Day 277

Mrs Payne most pleased with working smartphone.  Explained regards applications, found one ever so useful could lookup restaurant reviews!  As such Mrs Payne spent much of evening carefully scrutinising reviews, uttering "oh, I say!" and further recommending quantity of places to visit, exclaiming numerously,
"This place has 4 stars!  Oh, it's in Bournemouth" after which adding optimistically,
"Can we go?"

Suggested visiting coffee shop this morning, at which Mrs Payne said would be delighted.  Inevitably saw Horseface waving through window, and as went for door Mrs Payne positively barred entry, saying carefully,
"Wait a minute."  At this Mrs Payne pulled smartphone from hangbag, by the by, still attached to charging cable, duly explained as "I might need to charge it later", at which said slowly as began working the item,
"Let's see what Sally says."  Begged her pardon, had she named telephone 'Sally'?  Mrs Payne carelessly answering in the affirmative, as continued, saying after some moments,
"This place is no good.  3.5 stars!"  At this Mrs Payne mouthed to Horseface
"Three .. point .. five .. stars" gesturing as to leave.  Horseface promptly came outside, querying as to the problem, at which Mrs Payne explained regards fearful reviews, was sure to be shut down any day.  Horseface most disappointed, exclaimed with concern,
"But, my coffee.." at which Mrs Payne replied brightly,
"It was probably revolting!  Not to worry, Sally will take us somewhere nice."  At this Mrs Payne tottered off as Horseface queried gravely,

Most annoyed as slowly walked behind Mrs Payne, was sure place to be on This or That Street, or Somethington Road.  Eventually came across what bound to say fearful looking place down backstreet, at which Mrs Payne carelessly entered, saying optimistically,
"Four stars!"  Sat down, and bound to say stars certainly not awarded for cleanliness.  Mrs Payne promptly asked disgruntled-looking shop owner if he might clean the table, adding in a hushed tone,
"It says they have excellent customer service!"  At this shop owner dragged dirty looking cloth over table and silently left us with menus as Mrs Payne exclaimed brightly,
"Much better!" before adding with concern, "no, still sticky."

Duly ordered, at which Mrs Payne had coffee and cake.  Horseface queried regards latte, at which shop owner said tersely,
"We've got black or white.  Help yourself to sugar."  At this Horseface replied politely would have white please, which repeated myself.  Chatted whilst waiting, Horseface clutching handbag all the while as Mrs Payne looked around grotty shop, marvelling on occasion,
"I say, four stars."

Explained predicament on account of Mrs Payne's review application, at which Horseface most displeased.  Clutched handbag firmly as said in hushed fury,
"I wouldn't give this place one star!"  Queried whether should leave review ourselves on account of doing our public duty by way of warning.  At this Mrs Payne delighted, exclaimed with excitement,
"I can be a restaurant critic!"  Horseface queried in quiet annoyance what would she give this particular shop, at which Mrs Payne thought rather, saying with concern,
"Well Sally says four stars, but I'll knock a star off" adding as carefully forked her cake,
"I think this cake was made during the Crimean war."

Presently left shop, with saving grace that it was fearfully cheap.  Most annoyed as Mrs Payne again consulted "Sally smartphone", at which declared had given quite enough bad advice today, thank you very much.  Mrs Payne most displeased at this, said Sally was quite accurate, reading verbatim,
"The Silver Spoon, four stars."  Horseface positively furious as looked up at sign, exclaimed loudly,
"This place is the Fork & Spoon!"  At this Mrs Payne looked up from Sally in confusion, peered around rather as said with surprise,
"Oh look, across the street, The Silver Spoon is over there!  Oh, doesn't it look nice!"  Horseface and I both silent in annoyance as Mrs Payne exclaimed,
"I say, I think we went to the wrong one!" before adding gravely, "oh dear.. two stars."

Day 276

Had most jolly weekend, and bound to say all were enjoying sherry in lounge yesterday evening listening to wireless.  Other half ever so good regards darning socks, as Mrs Payne undertook rummaging in extensive handbag.  Bound to say positively leapt out of chair as Mrs Payne exclaimed loudly,
"A bomb!"  At this loosed from her rummaging a small black device with red flashing light, landing on floor.  With a quiver Mrs Payne oofed with all her might to get away from the blast.  Most annoyed as spilled sherry on hand as exclaimed in annoyance,
"Why the devil would a bomb be in your handbag!"  Wiped hand with handkerchief as Mrs Payne replied petulantly,

Sighed rather as explained was mobile telephone.  Mrs Payne stood eyeing the device warily as queried,
"I own a mobile telemabob?"  Explained with some concern had bought it after seeing that fearful couple from Shrewsbury.  Mrs Payne rather annoyed at this, exclaimed with disgust,
"I've never been to Shrewsbury in my life!"  Most distressed as other half positively chocked on her sherry.

Picked up the device, showing it to Mrs Payne, as said wearily,
"See, quite alright!"  Explained red light meant low battery, was hanging on for dear life.  At this Mrs Payne most confused, queried with disappointment,
"Do I need to throw it away?"  Asked to as to charger, at which Mrs Payne resumed rummaging in bag, presently retrieved charger, unfortunately attached to rather sticky currant bun.  Mrs Payne held out charger, saying brightly,
"We'll share.  You have the charger, I'll have the currant bun."

Presently plugged in Mrs Payne's telephone, explaining as to being a "smartphone", was ever such nice device with fearfully many features.  Mrs Payne looked at the item in awe, as said with disappointment,
"The screen isn't in focus."  At this begged her pardon, that was her eyes.  Popping on spectacles Mrs Payne exclaimed with delight,
"Oh yes, much better!  My very own smartbob!  I've always wanted one!" adding after some moments,
"What does it do?"