The Diary of a Telecommuter

Day 101 - lunch

2012-02-27T12:00:00.000Z

Went out mid-morning on account of complaint about lack of paper. Woman in shop most apologetic, said paper boy awfully forgetful at times. Suggested this not most useful trait in paper boy. Said she agreed. In any event, could certainly make a proper complaint, promptly shouted "David!" into rear of shop. Said I'd like to jolly well box David's ears on account of trouble.

David altogether displeased to hear about boxing of ears. Said he had not owned newspaper shop for 30 years to have ears boxed by customer. Explained certainly meant paper boy not him. Also displeased to hear wanted to box ears of his son.

Following number of words about politeness presently gave me newspaper in person, and headed home. Will be fearfully careful about complaining next time.

Most annoyed to get home and find boss already arrived. Seemed to be having most jolly time with Mrs Payne and said she had explained I had "shirked off like usual". Gave her fearful glare. Laughed in response. Boss said further that he had most interesting talk with Mrs Payne, and would have to come around more often.

Gave Mrs Payne newspaper by way of distraction and finally got to talking about work project, a poster design for local business. Had barely a minute before Mrs Payne returned with newspaper saying was terribly sorry to interrupt, but did I know paper was from last week? We already had one, and had I not checked date? Furious about this, said no I had not. Mrs Payne most disappointed. Said she would do the crossword anyway.

Day 101

2012-02-27T09:00:00.000Z

Most annoyed this morning that newspaper altogether absent from delivery. Have had displeased words on number of occasions with paper boy as to timeliness of appearance, but this time has not turned up at all.

Mrs Payne offered her magazine, said it was terribly interesting. Said it was awfully kind of her, but would rather read cereal packet than magazine whose cover story read,

"My Husband is a Werewolf".

Was told this story highly factual and of utmost credibility.

Sighed as Mrs Payne carefully read cereal packet. Said she didn't see what all the fuss was about.

In any event now have inconvenience of trip to newspaper shop to complain about lack of newspaper. This most annoying as boss is coming around this morning. All the same, certainly have time before boss arrives, and will look like I've been dutifully working all morning.

Day 100 - lunch

2012-02-24T12:00:00.000Z

Took Mrs Payne to doctor's surgery this morning. Upon other half's request had to take Mrs Payne in also, most laborious as even slower walking than usual.

Mrs Payne looked awfully worried about surgery, and reassured her most insistently that would not be chopping toe off, most likely just nail. Regardless, looked rather pale as went into the little room, and had unfortunate job of trying to get Mrs Payne onto bed, a task rather like pushing hippo onto a shopping trolley.

Propped precariously on bed Mrs Payne most anxious that I stayed and bound to say was awfully shocked with surgery going rather badly, and some injury sustained. Doctor ever so good in bedside manner, and explained would only be very minor. Mrs Payne quivered profoundly all the same, and in evident fear, as soon as doctor laid hands on foot Mrs Payne's leg jerked up, savagely kicking doctor squarely in jaw. Doctor dazed by this, and had rather panic myself as to if he was going to faint. Mrs Payne apologised profusely at this, declaring rather a knee jerk reaction. Coming around and bedside manner rather more furious, apology altogether unappreciated by doctor, queried in most annoyance how she could get knee jerk reaction in foot?

Some further attempts at surgery occurred, but altogether unsuccessful. Doctor eventually gave up saying had never seen someone so lacking in control of own appendages. Mrs Payne most put out by this, said she had "quite perfect appendables".

Taking Mrs Payne to car had unfortunate luck to run into Miss Broom, with some hope in direction of AA meeting. Mrs Payne most furious regards her stolen mug, and following some cross words on mug being returned, Miss Broom stalked off. Attempted to steer Mrs Payne home, however quite unwilling to leave matter at this, set off in hot pursuit, uttering, "Oof! Oof! Oof! Oof!", as fast as could totter. Mrs Payne evidently on top of matter, so I promptly sat down on nearby bench.

Never did get the mug back.

Day 100

2012-02-24T09:00:00.000Z

Had fearful afternoon yesterday and altogether anxious about it still.

Came downstairs mid-afternoon for tea saw not a sign of Mrs Payne, and found Miss Broom the cleaner in kitchen. Made tea and asked if she would like one. Replied that she already had one, holding up mug. Said I was awfully surprised Mrs Payne had her tea, and further, where was she? At this seeming rather annoyed Miss Broom said she was in downstairs toilet, and would she be long, as was waiting to clean it. Said I didn't have faintest idea, but could offer biscuit in meantime. In this regard opened biscuit tin and again found it missing best biscuits, leaving awful plain ones. Ashamedly offered these, bluntly turned down as not liking them. Took one myself by means of consolation. Nibbled in despondently.

Returning upstairs to office found fresh drip on good sherry bottle in lounge. Most annoyed about this, assumed Mrs Payne must have had sneaky glass, but looking at bottle saw quantity missing.

Knocked on downstairs toilet and asked if Mrs Payne was alright. Received nonchalant response in positive, followed by "oof!" on account of toe. Assumed this in order, went back to office.

Shocked some time later to hear some loud and awfully cross words coming from downstairs, followed by scream from Mrs Payne. Rushed downstairs to find both Mrs Payne and Miss Broom in downstairs toilet, and quite some argument ensuing. Stepped in to calm situation and found Mrs Payne accusing Miss Broom of walking in on her in toilet. This affirmed by Miss Broom as quite necessary due to time taken in bathroom and "not having all day". Mrs Payne vigorously defended this saying she was doing crossword. Miss Broom absolutely outraged, said at awful volume it was "a toilet not a bloody library". Mrs Payne almost beetroot with rage and shaking to calm herself said slowly that her poor toe had been stood on viciously by Miss Broom and measures would have to be taken.

Stopped Miss Broom before another verbal onslaught and suggested we move into lounge, as toilet quite unfit for discussion. At this Miss Broom proceeded to barge through door, again standing on Mrs Payne's toe. This resulted in scream of prodigious volume down my ear, and Mrs Payne in fearful rage proceed to push Miss Broom, resulting in awful tussle. Separated the ladies at which Miss Broom loosed her mug and splashed quantity of red liquid all over my white shirt. Realised in an instant this was my best sherry.

This proved altogether too much, and in fearful act of confidence said Miss Broom hereby sacked, and would she be so kind as to leave. This taken rather badly, called Mrs Payne an "old bag", proceed to splash remainder of sherry over my shirt and stormed out, mug still in hand.

Door slammed with Mrs Payne and I left in stunned silence. Mrs Payne hobbling to sit down uttered quietly, "thank you, Robert", and sat down with a little "oof!".

Replied it was quite alright, and further, that was her mug.

Day 99 - lunch

2012-02-23T12:00:00.000Z

Had fearful row with Miss Broom when she arrived. Produced laundry list of problems and had only got to item 1 before she declared it a "bloody liberty" and stormed into kitchen To make matters worse, said later that if we wanted bathroom cleaning would have to move various items out of way beforehand, and could not be expected to clean around them. Considered this distinctly rough but thought better of further disagreement and carefully moved bottles and suchlike onto window ledge.

Annoyed as Miss Broom altogether civil to Mrs Payne, and further referred to our disagreement as,
"The Master here expects me to be a common skivvy". Thought this highly unreasonable, and more so Mrs Payne's comment as to treating her "like a slave". Had a number of cross words with Mrs Payne later on making united stance. Replied she had.

Put various items back in bathroom and realised window ledge now rather unclean itself. Quite unwilling to ask Miss Broom to do this, resorted to cleaning it myself, quite furious at this.

Day 99

2012-02-23T09:00:00.000Z

Mrs Payne still in agony with toe this morning. Hobbling about awfully and uttering "oof!" at any opportunity. Said to other half over breakfast we should put her down. Told this was terribly thing to say. Apparently taking her to animal rescue no better.

Advice given by doctor that she should not put weight on it. Said this very wise advice, and thankfully something she had been doing for positively decades. This quickly dismissed as Mrs Payne rather active for her age. Said quite right, difficult to be active in coffin.

Fearfully worried about conversation with Miss Broom later. Have list of issues and certain she won't take well to them. Said to other half might be better to leave complaints unmentioned in interim. Told this nonsense, and was I man or mouse. Said if she had crossed words with Miss Broom she would be asking for cheese too.

Day 98 - lunch

2012-02-22T12:00:00.000Z

Thought would treat myself to biscuit for mid-morning tea and astonished to find biscuit tin entirely empty. Asked Mrs Payne about this, as biscuits last seen being handed out to hired help. Replied had not in slightest seen biscuits, and had only one herself. Took decided pinch of salt with this, said if Mrs Payne's hand spent any more time in biscuit tin she would rust.

Most displeased by this, and further had fearful row with other half last night as to why bathroom items altogether rearranged, and had I not given instructions on what to do. Said yes I had, and further could not be held responsible for every single item cleaner touched. Mrs Payne aggrieved also, said pair of "underthings" had been stuffed in wardrobe. Reply they had probably been mistaken for bed sheet altogether unappreciated.

Have set out number of grievances tomorrow for Miss Broom, principally drawn up by other half. Most concerned about raising these. To make matters worse, Mrs Payne entirely pleased with Miss Broom to talk to and find her positively unbearable myself. This addressed with suggestion as to reduce cleaning duties but pay her to see Mrs Payne. Said this highly ridiculous. If wanted more company, could jolly well feed the ducks, quickly rebuked as making poor conversation. Said ducks presumably upset she ate all the bread.

Day 98

2012-02-22T09:00:00.000Z

Miss Broom arrived yesterday afternoon as arranged and set about her cleaning. Felt awfully on edge with someone walking around one's home so went to get tea whilst allowing Miss Broom to clean office.

Going to get tea saw that tea leaves and sugar again heaped on counter top and scolded Mrs Payne for such mess. This seemed altogether to make no impact, Mrs Payne said toe hurt awfully when stood up. Replied soon wouldn't be worrying about toe hurting, just the bit that connected to the foot. This appeared fearfully inadequate encouragement for cleaning counter top.

Miss Broom returned from upstairs, and having said some kind words to Mrs Payne regards toe, gave me altogether different side, complaining bitterly about state of office, and would she be expected to clean papers on desk on each occasion? Replied she was certainly not required to clean papers on any occasion, as had carefully arranged them. This apparently all too late, as stalking upstairs found work, once carefully ordered, now in rough pile.

Quite unable to sort out mess now went downstairs to retrieve abandoned cup of tea to find Miss Broom sat down having jolly chat with Mrs Payne. Most displeased about this, asked would she be getting back to work soon? Terse response came back that was by law required break of 15 minutes, and if this proved problem, was sure employment office would hear about it. Furious about this, and further, Mrs Payne proceeding to offer by best biscuits. Stormed back upstairs and forgot tea for second time.

Day 97 - lunch

2012-02-21T12:00:00.000Z

Found Mrs Payne's mess with tea leaves and sugar altogether cleared up by dinner last night, and quickly found out this was because she wanted me to take her to doctor. Self diagnosis that big toe was "giving her gyp". Queried whether toe was perhaps making bid for freedom hoping to disconnect itself entirely not taken well, but Mrs Payne gritted teeth and said she would be very grateful for transport.

Went out mid-morning to see doctor, although said it highly unlikely she would be seen ad-hoc. Surprised when came out only 5 minutes later awfully pale, and explained they would have to amputate. Said this highly ridiculous, and assured her otherwise, but sure enough Mrs Payne clutched appointment card specifying "minor surgery".

Getting back to home Mrs Payne rather quiet, asked if she would like cup of tea to calm nerves. Reassured Mrs Payne situation not altogether bad, would surely get 10% discount at chiropodist.

Day 97

2012-02-21T09:00:00.000Z

Ever so impressed with cleaner, and will be starting today! Was most eager and came around yesterday late afternoon to see about job. As such spent most of afternoon vigorously cleaning with not a jot of help from Mrs Payne. Said on several occasions help would be appreciated, with response that cleaning house to impress cleaner "positively ridiculous".

In any event, had desired affect on cleaner, as made point of saying place rather well kept, and wondered if we needed cleaner at all! Replied that home was usually this clean, and were other people's not? Cleaner said some people's homes were "a right tip", and then there were others that cleaned up before she got there. Said I thought this awfully silly.

Showed cleaner around various rooms, and showed her quickly through lounge as not to take up conversation with Mrs Payne. By way of completeness commented as to,
"No need to dust the old dear.".

Most displeased to find Mrs Payne had made tea whilst showing cleaner upstairs, and tea leaves and sugar positively heaped on counter top. Furious at this, advised cleaner would do well not to get drawn in by Mrs Payne. Cleaner altogether quiet on subject and rather abrupt in general. Pleased by this as was sure to avoid chatting with Mrs Payne.

All concluded, cleaner said she would be happy to accept the job working Tuesdays and Thursday, as such Miss Broom was engaged as cleaner.

Thanked Miss Broom for her prompt visit and filled in relevant documents. Said she was sure we would be pleased with her work. At this Mrs Payne commented not to expect me to clean for her tomorrow. Miss Broom begged her pardon, but what did she mean? Mrs Payne in much hilarity said I had cleaned before she arrived, adding "he was running around like a milk maid". Miss Broom gave little titter at this, at which awfully annoyed said we had concluded our business and thanked her very much for her time.

Having shown Miss Broom to door stalked back to say at some volume "Mrs Payne!", before adding "Clean up that tea and sugar!".
This outright refused, with reply,
"I don't see why, we've got a cleaner now! You can do it before she arrives!".

Day 96 - lunch

2012-02-20T12:00:00.000Z

Following Horseface's suggestion regards cleaner, have spent this morning on telephone to purveyors of that particular skill. Furious about this as cleaner altogether unnecessary expense.

Other half mentioned after boss and Horseface had left on Saturday night that would be terribly good idea to get cleaner and alleviate housework. Said this absolute nonsense, we already had one hanger-on, gesturing to Mrs Payne, and certainly did not need another. This taken very badly by other half and Mrs Payne, was called a "fearful brute".

Stuck to my point all the same, said if more cleaning needed to be done Mrs Payne could jolly well do it. Had to laugh when Mrs Payne said she did plenty of work around house already. Exclaimed did not think crossword puzzle on toilet counted.

Realised other half certainly not backing down on matter, and eventually gave way to getting cleaner. Mrs Payne thought this most pleasing, said she would have someone to talk to! Replied she would jolly well have nothing of the sort.

As such this morning settled on cleaner seeming most rude over telephone, as will surely be most unsuitable conversation partner for Mrs Payne.

Day 96

2012-02-20T09:00:00.000Z

Invited boss and Horseface around for dinner on Saturday by way of improving relations between Horseface and Mrs Payne. As such had best sherry ready to loosen grudges as they arrived early evening.

Sincerely wish had stuck to cheap sherry, as result altogether undesirable. Soon after handing around glasses Horseface said was pleased Mrs Payne had quite finished shouting left and right. Mrs Payne replied she hoped her breathing wasn't causing distraction. Boss most nervous by this. Other half said she'd check on dinner.

In meantime received more rudeness caused by Horseface asking if we had considered cleaner. Said no we hadn't, and further didn't consider the place such a mess that we should need to. Horseface by way of apology said certainly wasn't implying anything regards cleanliness. Wasn't like we lived in a shed! Replied we certainly didn't, that's just where we kept Mrs Payne. All had jolly good laugh at this except Mrs Payne, looked frightfully annoyed. Asked if she would like another sherry. Tried giving her cheap stuff, but old dear sharper than she seems, told me not to be so stingy.

Had dinner and relations altogether improved. Horseface said she didn't want to join the silly bell ringing club anyway. Mrs Payne added Horseface far to young anyway, and would look out of place. Horseface added she didn't consider Mrs Payne all that older, and peace was resumed. Excited by this new constitution, thought it highly amusing to suggest I should join bell ringing club instead, as would surely fit in amongst silver haired old ladies. All agreed at this, and Mrs Payne added she could see me angrily shaking a charity collector. Other half said in defence I certainly wasn't that old, before added with a giggle it was just that I looked like an old lady. All in fits of laughing at this. Most annoyed, said I would check on dessert.

Day 95 - lunch

2012-02-17T12:00:00.000Z

Took Mrs Payne into town mid-morning for bell ringing trial. Looked awfully anxious, but gave positive encouragement all the way there. Was more determined than Mrs Payne to beat Horesface and by way of keeping nerves steady had still not told Mrs Payne about Horseface assuming victory.

Heard clinking of bells from some distance away, as well as the fearful shaking of charity collectors. Bound to say under usual circumstances would avoid gaggle of silver-haired monsters, and seeing Mrs Payne gripping her wooden box tight, wished I had something to hold on to, or perhaps use as weapon should things turn nasty.

Mrs Payne and I greeted by way of shaking of charity box, received most cordially when pounds had duly been donated. Explained that Mrs Payne and Horseface would take part in a single piece, by way of trial, and then would be told their fate, leaving remainder of club to play for today.

Thankful to see Horseface some steps away and clearly nervous herself, did not greet us. Awfully rude. Gave Mrs Payne profound encouragement, reminding her of what we had practiced, as to thinking "left" and "right" when ringing, and seeing determination in her eyes sought out nearby bench.

Ladies lined up, bells in hands, and following count in proceeded to ring away tune that put chill down spine. Watched terribly closely Mrs Payne, and could see lips moving in terms of "left" and "right", and what appeared correct tune, however Horseface positively all over place. Notes most discordant with tune, as well as ringing over top of musical break. Piece went awfully quickly, and was soon over.

Mrs Payne came over to bench, still clutching her little bells, asking what I thought. Before had time to answer Horseface trotted up, and most furiously accused Mrs Payne of outright sabotage saying out loud "left" and "right" constantly, most confusing to play. Added she was certain such amateurish playing would not be accepted, and cantered off. Quite ignoring this, went on to say I thought Mrs Payne's playing rather on par with club, and certainly best performance to date, and not to worry in slightest about Horseface.

We waited some minutes before hearing verdict, during which managed to weasel more pounds from us for charity. Thought this most dirty trick. Was pleased that "Chief Ringer" gathered Mrs Payne and Horseface together for results. Were told ever so politely that Mrs Payne's playing rather "average", but comparatively was absolute professional compared to Horseface, with chief ringer terribly sorry to say, but Horseface's playing positive anarchy, rather like clock shop at noon. As such was terribly sorry, but neither would be suitable for club. Following this news bells were solemnly returned, and we were left dejected as ringing resumed.

Mrs Payne made apology to Horseface if she put her off, but before had time to finish Horseface had cantered off in evident rage.

Returning home told Mrs Payne not to worry about Horseface, and for record, Horseface had said she was most superior player and certain to get part, so not to feel responsible in slightest. Mrs Payne furious to learn this, visibly shaking called her a "scoundrel".

Day 95

2012-02-17T09:00:00.000Z

Horseface smiled like nag with false teeth as she left yesterday, having practiced all afternoon in shed. Said she was positively leagues ahead of Mrs Payne and was sure to win position in bell ringing club. Dared not mention this to Mrs Payne as she came in some time later for dinner. Explained with some strain that she had still only learnt 12 notes, and more confused than ever. Was sure for disaster tomorrow when had to take part in trial in town with rest of bell ringing club.

Thought Horseface altogether too smug for words, so decided after dinner that would tackle impossible task of teaching Mrs Payne the part. Mrs Payne steeled herself to the task with utmost focus. Other half said would mother like sherry to calm her nerves, adamantly declined. Said I would have quantity of it. This duly provided, could barely hold glass was so full of sherry, and set about task.

Bound to say glass completely emptied following several hours of practicing, proving most arduous. Other half fearfully angry as practice continued after she had gone to bed, shouted downstairs to "bally well shut up!".

Found shed awfully cold, and practice altogether more difficult by torchlight. Determined to get one up on Horseface, forged into the night with glass renewed with sherry. Mrs Payne said she would have a small one "for the cold".

Practiced awfully hard until Mrs Payne said she needed to powder her nose. Mrs Payne was gone rather long time, and was getting frightfully cold in shed, and further Mrs Payne had taken torch, so apart from tiny pen torch, was stood in dark. Looked at watch and had been waiting 45 minutes, so ventured into the house, twisting ankle on edge of lawn in process and falling against bush. Fearfully angry at this, entered house while removing leaves from clothes and promptly found Mrs Payne asleep on toilet.

Day 94 - lunch

2012-02-16T12:00:00.000Z

Horseface around again this morning with wooden box, asking for "Shed, please", looking most focused. On way to back door managed to ask on her involvement in bell ringing also, and excited to learn was only one place in bell ringing club, so was quite the competition in hand.

Coming down from office for mid-morning tea peered out into garden and opened back door to see some protestations from shed as to who's fault it was on getting piece wrong. Most amused, took out tea and asked if Queen Payne was in residence. Horseface replied quietly "not entirely".

Asked about progress and both awfully annoyed it seemed with progress. Piece was apparently duet, so asked could I perhaps hear it played. Followed rendition rather better than Mrs Payne's 6 note run, principally owing to some repetition the piece for her part. Could see frustration, as piece punctuated in places:

"Tink ding dong dong BOTHER! tink dink tink ding dong dong BOTHER!"

Horseface's part far from confident, however piece shaken to very core by Mrs Payne. Feeling rather optimistic following previous solo attempt earlier in week, asked if they would be so good as to let me try Mrs Payne's part. This quickly refused by Mrs Payne. Horseface anticipating rather better performance however lightly slipped bells from Mrs Payne's hands smiling sweetly as she did so, and told me to,
"Jolly well ring the blighters!".

Bound to say piece not altogether perfect, as was awfully difficult playing with partner, but made rather good fist of it I thought, and Horseface's part also improved. Mrs Payne looked on in silent fury. Music certainly did not tame beast and seeing this not altogether helping tension in Payne Castle, decided best to leave them to it, and walking back to house heard from shed,
"SEE! Even Robert can do it!".
Shouted back with some annoyance, "I say!", with no reply.

Day 94

2012-02-16T09:00:00.000Z

Had most productive afternoon in peace and quiet having banished Mrs Payne to shed. Spied on her several times during afternoon and pleased to see her chinking away with her bells in quiet. Also mouth-read "bother!" repeated many times, presuming this as Mrs Payne got end of her 6 note record.

Surprised mid-afternoon to find knock at door, and further to find Horseface on doorstep. Invited her in and noticed wooden box in hand not dissimilar to Mrs Payne's. Asked why I had pleasure of her company, and most annoyed that Horseface brushed this off entirely, asked if she could see Mrs Payne. Said awfully tersely "Shed!", and promptly bundled Horseface out of back door into garden.

Looking out of back door, watching for several moments as Horseface looked confused, and hearing a frustrated "bother!" coming from shed, proceeded to knock. Thought this all too funny, shouted after her,
"She's in residence. Go in! Haven't got the flag mast yet!".

Day 93 - lunch

2012-02-15T12:00:00.000Z

Mrs Payne adopted new strategy this morning that ringing bells awfully hard helped profoundly with learning process. As such noise became most intolerable by mid-morning and had to take action.

Point was made over tea that bell ringing must be done quietly or not at all. Defence made that she had to ring hard as was already paying dividends, now up to 6 notes correct. Said not sure if it was paying dividends as such, as current rate of learning, 36 note piece would take 3 weeks. Would receive better dividends investing whiskey in a tramp.

After fearful argument could not discourage Mrs Payne, and settled on only acceptable compromise. As such Mrs Payne henceforth banished to practicing in shed. Seemed awfully annoyed at this, and spying out of little bathroom window out to garden, saw Mrs Payne through shed window looking rather angry, appeared talking to herself in most annoyed manner, occasionally clinking bell by way of exclamation.

Day 93

2012-02-15T09:00:00.000Z

Last night over dinner made point that was finding Mrs Payne's bell ringing awfully tiresome as house constantly filled with tiny chinking. Said it was like Santa's sleigh bells. Other half put case to Mrs Payne on amount of practice, saying perhaps it could be reduced, this due in part to me not being jolly enough to be Santa. Mrs Payne thought this hilarious, said other half was right. Profoundly annoyed by this.

Mrs Payne continues to practice vigorously in belief that she alone can save bell ringing club from mediocrity. Pleased to say however that she has got over hurdle of first three notes, and now rings out five notes most confidently before getting left and right hands altogether muddled, most of the time resulting in both bells chinking at same time.

Excuse given for slow progress that really large bells would be much easier to learn. Said this nonsense, and perhaps it would help if clapper was removed making bell silent altogether? This dismissed as ridiculous, and comment that I thought it would help the tune enormously taken very badly.

Day 92 - lunch

2012-02-14T12:00:00.000Z

Going down for tea mid-morning found kitchen rather acrid, surprised to find Mrs Payne sitting in quite haze of smoke whilst reading bell music. Asked had she not noticed air awfully thick, and received annoyed response that no she hadn't, and if it was, was solely caused by pancake mixture, terribly badly made and would not set in slightest.

Thought this most amusing, begged her pardon but considered earlier pancakes height of success, all the same, if she had given up for time being, would she be so good as to turn hob off, as frying pan seemed to be burning a jot. This indignantly carried out, although at cost of accidentally turning gas on for another ring. Quickly turning this off and fearfully angry said she was a hazard to the household. This taken most badly, Mrs Payne promptly left kitchen in frightful state along with her bell music. Shouted after her,
"HAVE YOU GOT PAST DONG DING DING YET?".

Day 92

2012-02-14T09:00:00.000Z

Thought it would be nice this morning to make other half pancakes on account of Valentines day, so worked ever so efficiently to make pancakes whilst other half getting ready. This unfortunately not altogether successful, mixture rather odd in consistency, and upon attempting first pancake realised was far too runny, unless pancake cocktail was to be served.

Setting aside first batch and altogether frantic at time taken, made second batch in alternate bowl, ultimately proving altogether too small and as quantity of batter slopped out onto slipper and floor.

Finally had small quantity of pancakes looking mostly edible and left them and little plate of warmed blueberries on table, as well as proudly standing Valentines envelope behind by way of explanation. Quite pleased with this set about getting dressed myself, as well as cleaning slipper.

Came down some time later to find other half eating cereal and looking altogether displeased, soon explained by annoyed query as to what the mess was on the floor. Explained I had done my best, and did she not like the pancakes? This received by blank look and comment of what pancakes? At this Mrs Payne commented ever so casually as to having pancakes this morning, were delicious. Most annoyed at this asked had she not seen the card as indication as to being for her daughter, and response that no she hadn't.

Seeing sideboard realised frightful problem in that card had fallen face down into blueberries, now soaking their way through envelope, and most displeased that Mrs Payne had moved this item without a thought. All the same other half said it was a jolly nice gesture, carefully opened envelope to reveal card rather sticky in texture, and motif principally of purple. Most upset by this. Mrs Payne, altogether dismissive of card, asked if there were any more pancakes. Told her she could make he own as had kindly set aside extra mixture. Suggested other half and I get ready to work and quickly left kitchen.

Day 91 - lunch

2012-02-13T12:00:00.000Z

Went down for tea mid-morning to find Mrs Payne chinking her tiny bells and scrutinising most seriously the "music" written down. Peering over Mrs Payne's shoulder to see matrix of numbers looking most complicated.

Sat down as was offered demonstration, and laboriously awaited start of piece as Mrs Payne gave great detail on complexity of piece and having practiced all morning, and really was making jolly good progress. Demonstration soon over, at which begged Mrs Payne's pardon, but piece seemed rather short, as she had only played three notes. Was piece really just "dong ding ding"? This taken very badly, said of course it wasn't that short, that was as far as she had got thank you very much.

Made enquiries as to the notation for what to ring, and that quickly understood proceeded to take bells in hands myself and chink away for full 36 note tune on first attempt! Mrs Payne awfully displeased with this, said I can't possibly be doing it right. Delighted with my performance, asked Mrs Payne if she would like tea. Replied in most annoyed tone that would I be so good as to stop bothered her as she needed to concentrate.

Waiting for kettle to boil heard same tune "dong ding ding", followed pause, and with some volume, "BOTHER IT!".

Day 91

2012-02-13T09:00:00.000Z

Frightful headache this morning, almost certainly owing to Mrs Payne's new hobby. Coming back from church on Sunday she explained over lunch that enquiries had been made as to anyone wanting to join bell ringing club. Groaned as I heard this, as all too aware of group of silver haired spinsters clanging bells in most annoying fashion in town almost daily for some charitable cause or other. Further, members most rampant in their cause and quite some nuisance. Explained this to Mrs Payne, who quickly dismissed as "that's probably just you". Most annoyed at this.

Once lunch was finished Mrs Payne excitedly retrieved a profoundly grand oak wooden box that she had been given by head bell ringer. Went on to say it was all terribly exciting and Mrs Payne seemed most in demand by club, evidence being what was certainly extremely old and valuable bells.

Mrs Payne proceeded to open box and all three of us peered in to the beautiful satin lined box. Doing so, found the tiniest bells we had ever seen, measuring what cannot be more than 3 inches heigh. Passing the bells between us we each looked at them in silent astonishment, and passing them back to Mrs Payne, I asked,
"You're not joining the children's section are you?".

Day 90 - lunch

2012-02-10T12:00:00.000Z

Having sworn Mrs Payne to silence, decided to set off on our evil deed this morning for cake. Mrs Payne terribly grateful for accomplice on account of being able to take car instead of walking. Explained taking car rather less good for exercise. Mrs Payne replied we could take the bus, point altogether lost.

Evidently had been to coffee shop all too frequently, manager greeted us and went as far as suggesting what we wanted. Thought this profound liberty, but pleased to have extra stamp on my free coffee card for Mrs Payne's coffee, although thinking now, false victory as I paid for it.

Settled down at table in corner with barely enough room for coffee, cakes and my laptop and had barely managed to arrange items when quickly hushed Mrs Payne. Sitting facing shop front, I motioned towards door as we saw other half walk into coffee shop, receive terrifying shock at seeing us, quickly about face, walk back out of coffee shop and finally stood motionless in street.

Some moments passed of excited comment between Mrs Payne and I, and for other half what can only assume some chagrin. Eventually other half came back into coffee shop and greeted Mrs Payne and I most graciously, saying what a lovely surprise, although chastised Mrs Payne rather for the cake, said it was alright just the once. Mrs Payne made silent approval that it was just the once.

Had quite some suspicion as to other half's reason for coffee shop visit, but before had a moment to query this found manager pottering around clearing tables exclaiming to other half that she would serve her in a moment, and really too funny that we knew each other, was evidently the "cake brigade"! Seeing opportunity made nonchalant reply that surely other half was not in cake brigade, as was certainly on diet and fearfully serious about it! At this glances passed from other half to manager, and other half admitted with most shame that she had the occasional lapse as to cake. Manager evidently most uncomfortable said she presumed just a coffee was in order today, at which other half boldly added,
"Oh no, cake please!".

Day 90

2012-02-10T09:00:00.000Z

Following Mrs Payne's odd disappearance decided after early lunch that would perhaps take work to coffee shop now free from tyranny of lawless staff. Bound to say with dinner at home have become fearfully addicted to cake, and have been drawn in by 10th coffee free upon stamping little card.

Arriving at coffee shop sought out my usual table and fearfully annoyed to find someone sitting haunched over it as really was best possible place to work with mains socket nearby for laptop. Inspecting patron more closely immediately came to solution, and said quite audibly,
"I say, Mrs Payne!".
This caused terribly shock to the poor dear, who jumped out of her skin and looked up in fright, with quantity of chocolate cake around her mouth.

Followed harrowing tale of Mrs Payne at wits end with diet, most fearful of saying to daughter she wanted to quit, and as such had been making journey to coffee shop such that could get some sustenance, and really feet terribly sore. Mrs Payne most concerned, asked what I was going to do. In awfully serious tone replied,
"Well Mrs Payne, I think there is only one resolution", and with gasp from Mrs Payne added,
"Let us eat cake."

Other half and Mrs Payne's diet proving most onerous regarding dinner, particularly dishes similarity and profound lack of taste. Dismissed other half's defence of the dish as being "jolly nutritious" as rather too true, dish tasting as it did could not possibly be bad for you and please could I have a little more salt? Other half said this most ridiculous, tasted delicious. Thankfully had Mrs Payne by way of agreement asking what the "green stuff" was, with other half replying in height of annoyance,
"Lettuce!".

Day 89 - lunch

2012-02-09T12:00:00.000Z

Coming down for mid-morning tea saw Mrs Payne readying herself for walk, proving highly regular as has been out every day this week. Reminding me of seeing her in town yesterday, asked what had been said to Horseface. This taken most oddly, asked with quite some shock how I had seen her, so explained was in a shop. No answer being provided, said in any case Mrs Payne had done terribly well to walk such a distance, and looked rather well also. Mrs Payne took this most graciously, said that was awfully kind.

Deciding Mrs Payne set very good example, would rather like a walk myself, and would come along if it was all the same. Apparently this profoundly not all the same, Mrs Payne said she would really rather go on her own, but thank you very much for the offer, and promptly walked straight out of door. Watched from window to see Mrs Payne looking back nervously, smile broadly in my direction, vigorously wave, and continue walking. Presume woman of her age prone to losing marbles. Will mention to other half.

Day 89

2012-02-09T09:00:00.000Z

Spent some time after lunch yesterday working in coffee shop, Horseface thankfully cantered off having finished grazing. In doing so found most surprising events.

Saw Horseface having only just left, waved to Mrs Payne, evidently on one of her walks. Mrs Payne met Horseface, shared one or two words, and Mrs Payne promptly walked off in opposite direction. Thought this most odd.

Whilst staring at this, gaze was interrupted by quite some argument between shop assistant and manager. Some awfully sharp words were exchanged and shop assistant stormed out, exclaiming as she did she, "didn't do nothing".

Some moments passed where shocked patrons slowly returned to their business, and bound to say could not help but purchase another coffee by way of enquiring as to shop assistant, despite frightful expense. Doing so proved cost altogether justified, as manager apologised for outburst, and said she had to let the assistant go on account of stealing. Listing misdemeanours, went on to say assistant had the audacity to take shared tips straight out of the jar. This altogether bad in itself, manager informed me that some customers had seen this and not reported it! Said I couldn't believe people could be so stupid.

Day 88 - lunch

2012-02-08T12:00:00.000Z

Back from coffee shop with trip largely more successful than last. Decided would be altogether wise to ingratiate myself with staff so made particular point of leaving tip in little jar. Must have been appreciated as coins quickly removed by rude shop assistant from yesterday.

Thought by way of securing my position that by drinking coffee ever so slowly would then be unable to complain as yesterday. As such although cake quickly disappeared, sipped coffee like church mouse with a wedge of cheese.

Inevitable brush with Coffee Shop Police occurred, and owing to over half of coffee still remaining, albeit now stone cold, was spared wrath of shop assistant, who even went so far as to thank me for tip.

Unfortunately extended time at coffee shop resulted in heightened risk of Horseface, who promptly arrived just as was about to leave. Thankfully had laptop open so made sure to explain was working. Horseface, having spotted rather murky looking coffee, made terribly loud comment that I was "nursing that drink a bit, I'd say!", at which rude shop assistant cleaning nearby added,
"It's been like that all morning!".
All present thought this most amusing and Horseface positively hilarious. Bought me another drink by way of apology.

Day 88

2012-02-08T09:00:00.000Z

Found house quite empty when came back from coffee shop yesterday and found some time later that Mrs Payne had gone out for another walk. Mentioned concern over exercise at her age, and received reply, "cobblers", most rude.

Thankful that no "toe food" on the menu for dinner last night, as I cooked. This altogether more difficult than usual fayre, however came across notion that adding salad to a dish thereby made it healthy. This largely unappreciated as we had soup.

Intend to go back to coffee shop this morning to work, despite terribly rude member of staff yesterday. Didn't mention this to other half and Mrs Payne on account of fearful embarrassment, not to mention giving game away about cake.

Day 87 - lunch

2012-02-07T12:00:00.000Z

Following awful dinner last night decided this morning would be excellent idea to take laptop to coffee shop in town and enjoy cake and coffee whilst working. Grimaced whilst leaving Mrs Payne at home, singing in shrillest of voice and greatest of moods, evidently not feeling effects of diet.

Arriving at coffee shop ordered coffee and sumptuous cake, caring not a jot for calories or cost. Had some degree of concern over Horseface appearing as she often does, so tucked myself away in corner out of obvious sight by way of avoiding the omnipresent nag.

Work went awfully well fuelled by delicious cake, although had terrible problem when shop assistant removed empty plate and cup from table, leaving me quite obviously outstaying my welcome. This came to head as some time later was asked at some volume whether I was intending on having a drink, or "treating the place like a library". Thought of awfully sharp response that place was certainly NOT a library, owing to library staff being POLITE. Unfortunately only thought of this whilst standing on street, having been rudely shown the door, to my infinite shame.

Day 87

2012-02-07T09:00:00.000Z

Had some concerns last night with other half cooking, and found them altogether justified as sat down to eat. Inspecting plate saw rice and vegetables in order, although begged other half's pardon, but was the dish quite cooked, as mine had several pieces of uncooked white squares, presumed some kind of stock. Was informed it was jolly well cooked and to get on with it.

Mrs Payne and I exchanged some glances, and bracing myself cut a tiny piece and slowly at it, not altogether pleased with rather gelatinous texture and not a jot of taste in the thing. Apologised profusely again, queried as to what we were eating. Mrs Payne excitedly replied we were eating, "toe food!". Said I had never heard of such a thing in the realm of cooking, although could see the material used as some kind of window seal. Was terribly sorry to ask, but we didn't have some chicken fillets wedged in window frame by way of some awful mistake?

Other half, having paused between eating, exclaimed with profound displeasure, "It's tofu!". Several minutes of silence followed, with Mrs Payne eventually speaking with some thought, saying she preferred the name toe food. Attempt for my response to this quickly denied by other half saying wearily,
"Can we just eat it?".

This question answered some laborious minutes later in the negative, as Mrs Payne and I had carefully eaten around the cubed window seal material leaving it largely untouched. Things taken all too far as Mrs Payne began stacking little cubes neatly on plate, before saying,
"Look! It's a toe food castle!".

This taken as all too much for other half, said she didn't know why she bothered making delicious meals for such unappreciative diners. Comment that I didn't believe she had perhaps going a bit far, other half stormed out of kitchen saying we could clear the table. Some minutes later in doing so found other half had left a quantity herself!

Day 86 - lunch

2012-02-06T12:00:00.000Z

Packed other half off to work with healthy lunch and shocked to hear Mrs Payne going out for walk. As such had house completely to myself and decided late start on work altogether justified as had been working awfully hard of late. Helped myself to extra toast with mid-morning tea safe from glares and criticism about not joining in diet regime. Toast all the more enjoyable as result.

Mrs Payne returned shortly before lunch, and bound to say looked rather flushed. Said walk most invigorating though evidently lacked energy to respond when asked if she was up to physical activity, as was outright ignored.

Question as to whether Mrs Payne would be joining me for lunch met more success, said she was not hungry thank you, but could I perhaps bring her glass of water. Brought glass to her presently and found her asleep in chair, poor dear.

Day 86

2012-02-06T09:00:00.000Z

Positively miserable weekend owing to return of diet for other half and Mrs Payne. Explained had not a jot of interest, at which receieved barrage of comment as to needing to lose a pound or two myself.

Stuck to my principles fearlessly and won right to enjoy food not akin to rabbit fayre, however in doing so opened myself to superior criticism at every meal. Maintained I was very proud of their endeavours, whilst caring not a jot for comments that I should be joining them.

At dinner on Saturday enjoyed delicious lamb chop whilst other half and Mrs Payne contented themselves with potato salad. Is quite some fortune that mere looks cannot absorb calories as other half and Mrs Payne would have gained several pounds each watching as I ate my chop.

After some minutes of self conscious eating ventured to ask how salad was. Enthusiastic response from both rabbits that salad positively delicious. Replied they must be savouring it, as same pieces of lettuce had been pushed around plates for some minutes. This promptly declared ridiculous as other half began eating and Mrs Payne excused herself from table saying she wasn't so hungry at the moment. Comment that diet must be working apparently most unwelcome. Told to be quiet and eat my chop.

Day 85 - lunch

2012-02-03T12:00:00.000Z

Still awfully pleased this morning with boss' email. Read it several times before starting work. As such went down in jolliest of moods for mid-morning tea with quite some optimism for Mrs Payne's progress with floor tile.

Found Mrs Payne shuffling around on floor, and commented that pleased to see she had managed to remove tile, and really terribly well done. Raised query however as to necessity of removing adjacent tiles. Could understand one or two, but really room looks awfully dusty with quarter floor removed. Explanation not altogether clear, but heard some muttering about all locking together.

Said in any event, would really be good to put the whole lot back, as other half would be fearfully angry to see lounge in this state, and had I mentioned she was back at lunch today as took half day? This taken most badly, said no I had not, and if I had quite finished could I jolly well get out of the way.

Decided situation altogether helped by vacating lounge and getting tea, and said not a word as returning to office, leave Mrs Payne's tea on floor. Overheard comment,
"Why don't they fit together?".

Was roused before lunch by other half coming home and exclamation at some volume from lounge,
"What the bally!".

At this decided would be best to check on progress, altogether more difficult with quantity of floor tiles haphazardly stacked up stair. Making way into lounge bound to say was shocked by what I saw, all but entirety of floor now removed, and Mrs Payne making little concentric jigsaw puzzle in middle of room out of half dozen tiles.

Looked around to find tiles stacked on every flat surface, some rather jaunty, and barely a tile on floor. Tiles under furniture legs remained, with adjacent having been neatly excavated around them. Went to pick up one tile in pile easily 20 high but cut off by Mrs Payne exclaiming,
"No! That's my 'unsure' pile.".
Thought this far from reassuring, asked if she was struggling a little. Mrs Payne said she had everything under control. Quickly replied only thing under her control was floorboards. Mrs Payne said back awfully hurting due to bending down, could do with sit down. Said I thought this altogether good idea, though rather hampered by not a solitary buttock of space to sit. Other half quite furious, said she was making tea.

Having removed tiles inexplicably in kitchen, had tea and heard sorry tale of tile after tile being removed by way of trying to find where previous tiles fitted. Other half interjected saying would it not have been better to stop removing tiles? Mrs Payne thought for a moment, said she hadn't considered that. Added in any case several tiles were still in place, except those under sofa, unfortunately bumped out of position when bending down.

Other half, evidently no less furious after tea, asked had I not stopped mother in law before got to this state? Most taken back by this, said floor was not in nearly as bad state mid-morning, and most destruction occurred thereafter. Mrs Payne attempted by way of consolation to say she had been most productive after tea, this vigorously refuted by other half.

Mrs Payne and I having been given strict instructions to return floor to its previous state, other half said she was going shopping. Mrs Payne turned to me as other half left, saying,
"Where do you want to start?".

Day 85

2012-02-03T09:00:00.000Z

Received email yesterday afternoon from boss, and feared worse in getting a severe telling off for work being late and further for wasting time. Braced myself before opening and decided before clicking that would really be better to have cup of tea first.

Went downstairs to find Mrs Payne in frightful mess and floor tile certainly no different in its position to earlier, that being solidly affixed to floor. Altogether too worried about email for this, and comment from Mrs Payne about having to try an alternative approach quickly dismissed.

Returned with tea to find email defiantly waiting, and wincing as I clicked to read email, most short in content as is boss' style, read as follows:

"Monochrome, nonsense. Go with colour. Could learn a lot from Smith."

Delighted with this and printed out copy for other half to read when home. Other half most pleased with outcome, called me a "maverick". She's a darling. Mrs Payne, altogether less impressed, said she still preferred black and white, and there was "no accounting for taste".

Most displeased by this, asked by way of defence how floor tile was progressing. This query quietly ignored, other half offered encouragement that she was certain mother would make a very good job of it seeing quality of picture hanging work.

Day 84 - lunch

2012-02-02T12:00:00.000Z

Took Mrs Payne to hardware store and spent some considerable time whilst Mrs Payne weighed up various tools that could do necessary job. Explained had many tools already and was sure really just needed replacement tile, but this dismissed by Mrs Payne and needing altogether "more professional" tools. Thought this hilarious and said as much, Mrs Payne retorting by way of asking who created the damage in the first place, and perhaps I would care to fix it? Said she could carry on. Unfortunately she did carry on, to the tune of 120 pounds, quite ridiculous for such small task.

Having gathered numerous contraptions for Mrs Payne, set off for home, and getting back found profoundly rude email from boss' underling on account of asking where the work was, and really was all too ridiculous that work was done wrong in first place. Furious at this on account of boss being included on email, evidently to show me up. Spent quite some time writing awfully sharp email in response, but held back on sending at last minute. Shaking with anger decided would need a cup of tea and did not calm down a jot with Mrs Payne's comment,
"I say, you do still have a job?", happily banging away with her tools.

Day 84

2012-02-02T09:00:00.000Z

Other half equally impressed last night with Mrs Payne's hanging of painting. Said she had never seen the job so well done. Took some exception to this on account of my previous good work in this area. Other half said my pictures always hung crooked. Defending my work saying wall was crooked. Furious when by way of reply other half broke into song "There was a crooked man", with Mrs Payne joining in for reprise. Asked if they had quite finished, replied they had with shrill laughter.

Riding on her air of success, Mrs Payne noted perhaps she could see about mending bowed wooden floor tile, damaged during unfortunate incident with coffee machine. Other half, still annoyed at incident, said she thought it altogether unwise, really would better be left. Bound to say I had been quite bothered with damage on account of tripping on it some number of times, and thinking this the most excellent way of getting it fixed without doing so myself, backed Mrs Payne's campaign to do the work. Other half eventually relinquished, and plan of work put in place to acquire necessary materials today and complete the work on Friday.

As such have task of taking Mrs Payne to hardware store. Query raised as to whether I should be doing work, dismissed as being task for an imbecile. Mrs Payne queried as to why I wasn't doing it then. Too furious to respond. Mrs Payne realising her faux pas added with a little laugh, "Oh, I say!".

Day 83 - lunch

2012-02-01T12:00:00.000Z

Other half displeased last night to learn of Mrs Payne's hammering incident. Said it was a jolly silly thing to do and she should know better. Unfortunately other half altogether more furious finding it was her shoe now nailed to picture frame. Query as to why her shoe was suffering answered as being "the nearest to hand" not altogether helping situation.

As such had fearful row with other half on merits of stowing tools away out of Mrs Payne's grasp, resulting in tools being returned to usual location with strict instructions that should Mrs Payne feel the need to use them it must be done responsibly.

Returning tools from upstairs Mrs Payne said she would have the hammer now if it was all the same to me, and by way of demonstration on her trustworthiness, proceeded to prize other half's shoe from picture frame. Having loosed the item, exclaimed "See!" handing shoe to other half, now with nail protruding from heel.

Fearfully bored all morning with project, and hearing some degree of banging from downstairs thought it both sensible for mind and home to investigate. Found to some surprise Mrs Payne's ghastly painting hanging neatly from the wall, and carefully looking behind found not a jot of plaster had been displaced. Most impressed by this, said we both deserved cup of coffee if she would be so kind as to make it. Said she would be delighted.

Day 83

2012-02-01T09:00:00.000Z

Yesterday afternoon most pleased with my work for my project, sent it across to boss, and most displeased to receive reply shortly thereafter from boss' underling saying work altogether wrong, and had I not read the brief? Replied yes I had and further thought this would be profoundly more appropriate artwork. Reply came again from underling saying nothing of the sort, and further would have to redo all the work. Furious at this but thought better of taking it up with boss, relented to redoing work.

As such have most boring morning ahead of me and spent some considerable time over breakfast. Situation also not helped by other half and Mrs Payne commenting as to telling me so that colourful artwork altogether wrong and perhaps I should listen to them more in future? Thought better of replying, but after some moments stated at some volume to Mrs Payne,
"I HEARD YOU".
This taken in brightest of moods by Mrs Payne, profoundly happy this morning. Most annoyed by this also.

Day 82 - lunch

2012-01-31T12:00:00.000Z

In most good mood following further success on improved project. This altogether changed as came down for lunch to find Mrs Payne on hands and knees in lounge proceeding to hammer picture hooks into back of frame for one of her paintings. This evidently profound physical activity, Mrs Payne sounding like a foghorn under the weather.

Said to Mrs Payne, really would be rather wiser to let me do it, and leave it for another time, and also was certainly not optimal to hammer using the heel of a shoe. This taken most badly, replied only reason she was using shoe was because I had taken all tools. Said this was for her own good.

Advice promptly ignored and with further wheezing Mrs Payne continued hammering with shoe. This thankfully came to an end when shoe, evidently not holding up to its job, proceeded to get nail lodged into it, thereby nailing shoe to frame. Asked at this point whether Mrs Payne would like lunch, said she would.

Day 82

2012-01-31T09:00:00.000Z

Awfully difficult yesterday afternoon to concentrate on such a boring project until hit upon idea that actually work should be done in altogether different way entirely and would be much better for customer. Thought would be nice surprise for boss if did this without mentioning it first, and could then show him work once complete. As such had productive afternoon on improved project concept.

Profoundly pleased with result, showed it to other half and Mrs Payne over breakfast. Feedback wholly undesirably first asking what it was, and that having been explained said it was a bit gaudy. Thought this most ridiculous said it was much better done colourfully, and original request from boss as to being done in most simplistic way and in black and white wildly off the mark. Explained also that was doing the improved version by way of surprise, this most scorned up as being "fools errand". Said not a bit of it and proudly put my drafts away.

Day 81 - lunch

2012-01-30T12:00:00.000Z

Had email this morning from boss with new project, fearfully boring and altogether beneath ability. Certain this is consequence of Mrs Payne's awful paintings. Made enquiry as to project being done by someone else, quickly denied as me being the "best man for the job". Thought this terribly offensive.

Barely started the work when altogether sick of it and decided to check on Mrs Payne for further attempts at damage to home or herself. Found her sitting in armchair reading "DIY Handbook", purchased by other half as well meaning prompt for me with regards to home improvement. Has never left shelf since purchase.

Had quite some discussion with Mrs Payne as to merits of home improvement, as well as to it being really altogether better idea to leave it to someone else, should one risk doing oneself a mischief. This nonchalantly denied by Mrs Payne, not looking up for her reading. Made some effort to say we could get someone in, although we would have to find a reputable workman, of course. At this Mrs Payne looked up and said directly, "Don't have you have work to do?". Thought this profoundly rude, said yes I did, and further I was only being polite as give her a bit of company. Stormed into kitchen to make tea, not offering Mrs Payne a drop.

Day 81

2012-01-30T09:00:00.000Z

Had weekend altogether unpleasant on account of Mrs Payne's paintings. Started when other half arrived home Friday with exclamation "not those bally things!" uttered, unfortunately within hearing of Mrs Payne, quickly modified to, "what a delightful surprise!".

Had then unfortunate task of explaining to other half about having paid for them, forty pounds a piece. This taken awfully badly, largely blaming me for incident, and said Mrs Payne can jolly well pay the deficit herself. This vigorously attacked and defended from both sides, with Mrs Payne saying she had not a "solitary pound" to her name. Result was Mrs Payne would "give a discount" on the pieces. Thought this frightfully ridiculous.

This fearful incident thankfully dealt with on Friday, then had considerable degree of nagging for entirety of weekend as to where paintings would be placed. Other half and I had altogether enough of this, went out for coffee. Came back to find Mrs Payne brandishing hammer and terribly large nails, looking intent of mayhem. Quickly removed these implements from Mrs Payne's possession, with some degree of resistance. Defence, "I was just going to make a little hole" altogether maligned.

Have possession of all tools likely to cause damage stowed away in office, and strict instructions for Mrs Payne not to attempt any home improvements.

Day 80 - lunch

2012-01-27T12:00:00.000Z

Boss dropped off paintings mid-morning, altogether nervous about greeting Mrs Payne, and disappeared down drive once paintings had been handed over, had barely a moment to hand him cheque for 400 pounds.

Closing door Mrs Payne emerged from kitchen to look over paintings, and was astonished to hear still thought the pieces most artistic. With utmost concern on removing pieces from home at earliest opportunity, asked would she like me to take them back to art shop. Dismayed that this emphatically declined, said she would keep them herself.

As was now owed 400 pounds, said would take Mrs Payne into town to pick up her fee. This duly agreed upon, and Mrs Payne seeming somewhat upset, said we could have coffee and cake if she liked. As such, she did like.

Most annoyed having got into town at having not a single 20 pence for car park, and further at laborious pace of Mrs Payne's tottering. Finally got to art shop and after some discussion owner handed over cheque for 320 pounds, sale price less 20% commission.

Sought out coffee shop, and having provided Mrs Payne with coffee and cake, brought up minor difference in fee, quite unwilling to silently lose 80 pounds. Mrs Payne said quietly 320 pounds was all she had, however recognising the 80 pounds deficit, could give us the paintings, seeing as it was family. Thought for some moments over this, and realising disagreement altogether frightful alternative, said I would buy the pieces for 40 pounds each to cover difference. Mrs Payne most cheerful at this solution, added,
"And to think, me a professional artist!".

Day 80

2012-01-27T09:00:00.000Z

Breakfast positively unbearable this morning on account of mood of other half and Mrs Payne. Found both to be in most bad temper, and quite unable to stand it any longer, went into lounge to make coffee. This proved altogether too difficult, and had to then endure Mrs Payne making my coffee in most aggravated manner, even calling it "bally contraption" during process. Coffee awful.

Was in quite jolly mood last night and having made the best of fathoming how to play with new rules eagerly awaiting evening with boss and Horseface and chance to show off what I had learned.

Boss and Horseface arrived early evening having eaten, and settled down for drink before play, Mrs Payne being absent on account of bathing. Discussion soon got to rules with other half bringing up misunderstanding. I owned that would rather play existing rules, at which other half jumped in explaining I had been practicing. Horseface made quite point of saying they hadn't been practicing a jot, about as likely as as horse with no neigh.

Conversation turned to small talk, during which was horrified to learn that Horseface had purchased from same art shop as Mrs Payne two similar looking paintings in afternoon for 200 pounds a piece, quite delighted with them. Boss bound to say was positively far from delighted with them, price positively "daylight robbery". Other half apparently oblivious entirely to this coincidence.

All too shocked to break this news and let conversation change topic whilst reeling as this news. Surely within all reason Mrs Payne had not sold her paintings, and certainly not for 200 pounds each!

Dominoes soon started, with boss and Horseface having jolly time whilst discarding tiles at awfully quick rate and other half and I altogether slow to keep up. First game ended quickly with Horseface as the winner, much annoyed at this and furious at repeated comment that she "hadn't practiced a jot!".

Mrs Payne tottered in and I decided after terrible game that was time for sherry, with all partaking. Used this time to gather thoughts with dominoes, and set steely determination with regards to play. Would focus awfully while other chatted idly and was sure persistence won through. Was already down 20 pence and was jolly well intending to win it back.

Game after game came and went, and grew ever more furious with losing 20 pence every round, although thankfully saved from Horseface's self-flattery that she hadn't practiced, largely by other half winning every single game. Horseface, boss and I shocked entirely by this luck, and said as much. Comments brushed aside in jolliest of fashion as no such thing luck, but was shrewdest of skill.

Had agreed to play seven games, which by manner of losing took positively forever, and by the end other half had quantity of coins capable of supporting sherry glass. All congratulated other half on her success, although quietly furious at doing so badly myself. Mrs Payne thought this height of amusement, said perhaps I should try another hobby, though probably not painting on account of appraisal of her work, really quite off the mark from a professional point of view.

Comment about painting struck Horseface, who mentioned buying her pieces again. At this, boss made quite point of saying how ghastly they looked with all laughing in response. Sat quietly for this as boss layered ever more destructive criticism to pieces, first as, "not fit for the lavatory", to, "a lesson to us all that anyone can do anything, as long as one doesn't mind a revolting result", and finally, "painting by numbers for the mentally ill". Boss, other half and Mrs Payne oblivious to source of paintings all falling about in raucous laughter at this, with only Horseface displeased at her purchases and me the horrifying truth.

Offered another sherry, as quite needed one myself, and shocked during pouring to find boss continue in discourse about painting, adding that one of the "worst art-rocities he had seen" (all thought this terribly clever), and one even had a palm mark! Boss added, to think the nerve of someone daring to sell the piece, really his wife should have known better. All now laughing, even Horseface at this scathing put down, but Mrs Payne promptly stopped her laughter, exclaiming,
"I say, sorry?".

Mrs Payne, evidently in moment of seriousness, silenced room immediately, with only minor giggles continuing, and boss carefully explained one painting had palm mark in bottom right corner, and was all too funny really. Look of shock and displeasure appeared on Mrs Payne's face, and after some trembling moments of silence, blurted,
"Those are my paintings!".

Boss instantly taken back by this, paused some moments, and added slowly,
"I say, terribly sorry. Really weren't as bad as all that, just playing up for laughs, you know?".

By way of defending her work, Mrs Payne still trembling said she had put a lot of time into the pieces, and further were worth every penny on canvas and paint alone. Quite taken back with this, thought it only fair to add,
"Not sure you can count my emulsion there, Mrs Payne", with boss responding, "I say, emulsion!". This taken altogether badly by Horseface, Mrs Payne and other half.

Mrs Payne ended saying she wouldn't consider having the pieces with them, and she would gladly have the pieces back and return the price paid. Horseface added weakly that she thought the paintings jolly nice, really. At this Mrs Payne wished the party goodnight and stormed upstairs as fast as she could totter.

Four of us left in silence for some moments, eventually decided probably best to call it an evening. In leaving thought it best to ask should I see about picking up paintings? Boss said he would drop them off this morning, an altogether frightful experience later.

Day 79 - lunch

2012-01-26T12:00:00.000Z

Concentrating awfully hard in office mid-morning on dominoes only to be interrupted in incessant telephone ringing and Mrs Payne altogether oblivious to it, singing in kitchen.

Answered the phone to and received request to speak with Mrs Payne from art shop in town. Thought this most peculiar but assumed were ringing to apologise for being so harsh yesterday. Had to raise voice quite considerable to get Mrs Payne's attention over her singing, and having put her on line, took opportunity to get tea whilst in peace.

Mrs Payne returned to kitchen moments later, singing at higher volume than previous, and seemed in best of possible moods. In effort to extinguish singing, asked why art shop were calling. Astonished to hear they were ringing up on account of price of Mrs Payne's paintings. Begged her pardon, but thought paintings had been put in bin? Mrs Payne said only a novice would think that, paintings had been most well received, and further paintings had been got rid of, by way of art shop offering to sell them. As such had rang up to confirm price, as would shortly be displayed in window.

Altogether taken back by this, have some concern over viability of shop taking artwork painted with emulsion by elderly ladies. Taking tea back to office struck on natural explanation that not wanting to hurt her feelings shop had taken pieces and perhaps put five or ten pounds price on them. Thought again at this explanation as quite unsure pieces would raise five pounds the pair.

Day 79

2012-01-26T09:00:00.000Z

Spent quite some time yesterday lunchtime and afternoon working on dominoes strategy and even played several games against myself. Furious to learn when other half came home that had been playing altogether different rules than standard, and we should tell boss and Horseface when they come over later today. Said really we are much better playing with existing rules, as understood by all. Other half gave ever-so devious look, asked if I had been practicing. Dismissed this as poppycock, and much aggrieved by Mrs Payne chipping in saying yes I had. This made other half's mind up, said we would jolly well by playing the proper rules!

Most displeased by this, reminded other half about Mrs Payne's trip into town with paintings. Other half most interested as to progress, I suspected with similar glimmer of giddiness as myself. Mrs Payne, evidently displeased about this being brought up, repeated response, however accepted good deal of praise from other half on paintings being very good really for a beginner and well done again for trying.

Having taken focus away from myself began furiously thinking about how to have one up on boss and Horseface with dominoes. Continuing to do so this morning, although altogether at a loss as to how.

Day 78 - lunch

2012-01-25T12:00:00.000Z

Returned from town with Mrs Payne, thankfully without ghastly atrocities to the art of paint, emulsion or otherwise.

Left Mrs Payne to her errand and said she could find me in coffee shop when done. She appeared some while later with stony look on her face and not a painting on her person. Asked where her paintings were, received dismayed response,
"Oh those, I got rid of them.". Seemed that Mrs Payne had received quite the same criticism as given by other half and I. Couldn't help but feel slightly giddy at this, but condoled all the same saying she had done her best and would she like a coffee? Said she would, but still seemed awfully disappointed so bought cake too.

Spending lunch perfecting dominoes strategy, having had quite some success playing other half last night. Match had altogether less argument than previous and received no threat from Mrs Payne on taking dominoes away.

Both of us awfully focused on match, quite ignored Mrs Payne's continued discourse on painting. In any event, won all the games! Took this as quite affirmation as to strategy and most confident playing boss and Horseface on Thursday!

Day 78

2012-01-25T09:00:00.000Z

Other half equally exasperated last night by Mrs Payne's "artwork" and having made same faux pas as to piece's contents, ventured to suggest perhaps painting wasn't quite the right hobby for her, although really very well done for trying, was quite the inspiration to us all. This taken most badly, said she was awfully pleased with the results, and considered herself having quite the eye for art. Other half and I altogether quiet with regards to agreement, Mrs Payne took utmost annoyance, wanted not a jot of "constructless criticism" and she would jolly well take her work to where it would be appreciated. This taken in best humour by other half and I, terribly amused when Mrs Payne left room. Other half scolded me for being mean, proceeded to quietly giggle.

Exasperation took all new heights at breakfast as Mrs Payne asked would I be so good to take her into town to art shop such that work could evaluated by those "in the know". Looked with some concern towards other half, who said she was sure I'd be delighted. Confirmed destination was actual art shop, not hardware store, and having had this sharply dismissed, agreed would certainly take her into town later this morning.

Day 77 - lunch

2012-01-24T12:00:00.000Z

Other half equally mystified as to Mrs Payne's painting when asked for criticism ("as long as it's constructive"), helped not a jot in reducing Mrs Payne's enthusiasm. As such, set up again this morning to paint another.

Most concerned coming down for lunch on what might await me, and further on having to provide "constructive" criticism. Feared the worst when seeing several large tins of emulsion, all open and with various foreign colours splashed into them, certainly sourced from my spare paint shelf in garage.

Commented on mixing my paint, quickly answered saying she would give paint a good mix before putting the lid back on. Query as to whether this would change the overall colour dismissed as "nonsense".

Inevitable question came, and was most confused that second piece looked largely the same as first, although somewhat different colours. If first painting was of ghastly coloured mess, this painting altogether more subdued, although certainly carried forward style of ghastliness, and indeed, mess.

Queried as to painting method used, as one patch looked altogether different. This answered by Mrs Payne holding up hand, saying,
"I needed somewhere to rest my hand", and showing a large patch of dried paint on her palm. Quite unsure of response, however Mrs Payne added,
"I thought it added something to the work, so I kept it". Thought it best to agree.

After some laboured moments felt I positively had to ask what it was. This question answered by a gesture of paint covered hand towards plant on television set again, and assuming piece a redux, made comment as to plant being most lifelike. This taken with quite some displeasure, asked if I was blind as well as deaf, and further there wasn't a plant in the painting, adding by way of explanation, piece was titled simply, "Telly". Attempted to recover this faux pas stating if I wanted painting of television set, would certainly come to her. Mrs Payne asked was it time for lunch.

Day 77

2012-01-24T09:00:00.000Z

Invited boss and Horseface over on Thursday night for dominoes rematch given previous farce with Mrs Payne. As such other half and I terribly keen to practice last night to improve skills.

All going very well until fearful disagreement as to rules on drawing additional tiles during one's turn. Other half stated this altogether acceptable form of the game, whilst I adamantly disagreed. Other half most displeased, said she presumed I was playing the "children's version". Taking this very badly retorted that she was the only one being a child. This turned into most competitive match where betting matchsticks traded hands with great malice.

Mrs Payne stepped in over spat, said unless we settled down she would take the dominoes away. This taken most seriously by both of us, ended up agreeing that drawing was not permitted.

Following agreement on rules have made some effort to make notes as to game play over breakfast this morning whilst other half not looking and will spend some time honing strategy over coming days.

Day 76 - lunch

2012-01-23T12:00:00.000Z

Came down for lunch to find Mrs Payne joyfully working away on her painting. Looking upon the canvas, saw piece as ghastly coloured mess of smudged paint rather than a painting. Quite unsure what to say as Mrs Payne asked my opinion, and after some moments of uncomfortable silence, said it looked really quite vivid, but I wasn't altogether sure what it was. Mrs Payne rather taken back by this, owned that she was really expecting I could tell, and doing so pointed in direction of plant standing on television set.

Exclaimed ever so quickly that of course I could tell! Further, really terribly good rendition, very life-like. Mrs Payne seemed most pleased with this, went on to say piece was titled "Plant on the Telly". Asked at this whether was her intention to include television also, and baffled by response that it was central element of the piece.

Asked Mrs Payne about brush, who admitted it was a bit large, all of an inch thick. Queried where supplies had come from, and was told it was hardware store in town. Exclaimed place had quite a variety of products, and was altogether surprised shop sold art supplies at all. Thinking this avenue altogether dangerous one, asked if she would like lunch.

Day 76

2012-01-23T09:00:00.000Z

Over breakfast had most odd conversation with Mrs Payne that she was going to embark on painting hobby. Noticed she had picked up various items over the weekend and thought this most peculiar.

Explained that had done a bit of painting myself, and found it awfully difficult activity. Mrs Payne seemed not dissuaded by this, said it as going to be jolly fun to have something to do during the day. Said she would set up her things in lounge if it was all the same with us.

Query as to medium she was using resulted in rather blank look, followed response,
"Yes, medium size painting I should say!".
Made further attempt by asking whether she was using watercolours, or oil, perhaps. With some thought, said she hadn't a clue, and scuttled off to her painting things to find out.

Mrs Payne returned with little pot and holding it at arm's length to correct short-sightedness, read aloud:
"Well this little pot says 'Emulsion'", before adding for other half's benefit, "I've got some jolly pretty colours, each has a little name!".

Made attempt to explain to Mrs Payne that paint was decorating sample pot, but other half gave me quite severe kick and quickly shut up. Said instead that was sure Mrs Payne would have an awfully good time, and the important thing was enjoying herself, not the end result.

Day 75 - lunch

2012-01-20T12:00:00.000Z

Going downstairs for tea at 10 o'clock found Mrs Payne again crouching over coffee machine. Asked if she would like tea, and was concerned by reply that she was making coffee. Advised really was better to give up as machine obviously defective and other half would be fearfully annoyed at further mess. Astonished to hear one coffee had already been brewed, and holding up cup of delicious looking coffee asked would I like one too. Replied it was good of her to manage one cup, but likely machine quite incapable of a second.

Watched for several moments as Mrs Payne performed various operations as to coffee, and standing back added "it'll just be a moment!". Waited in expectation for further catastrophe, which was certainly not going to clear up myself. Almost disappointed moments later to be presented with perfectly made cup of coffee.

By way of demonstration Mrs Payne went on to show were I was going wrong, and making same mistake I did jerked coffee press upwards, this time landing coffee grounds all over me. As if a scientist examining experiment, Mrs Payne commented most thoughtfully,
"Yes, that's what happens. Sorry Robert.".

Mrs Payne highly proud of her efforts said she couldn't wait to tell other half, who would be most pleased at machine not broken. Added whilst sitting down in armchair,
"And to think I managed to fix it! Fancy!".

Furious at both working of machine and being covered in coffee retired upstairs, leaving Mrs Payne enjoying her coffee with occasional pleased remark to herself of "Fancy!".

Day 75

2012-01-20T09:00:00.000Z

Had fearful row with other half yesterday evening on account of wet patch on floor. Explained quite reasonably that coffee machine obviously having trouble and really was altogether out of my control. Mrs Payne adding coffee was coming out a bit weak not helping situation. Other half said if I was an expert in using machine I could jolly well be the expert in cleaning it up properly.

Having made attempt at cleaning affected area was quite unable to accept defeat, and with renewed energy made point of saying we would all enjoy an after-dinner coffee.

Enlisted Mrs Payne as helper to bring required items. Other half highly amused with question,
"Shall I bring water this time, Robert?".
Made best effort to be polite and say yes please.

Other half asked would I not be better with instructions, but dismissed this as unneeded bureaucracy and set to work on making coffee. All went swimmingly except had same issue coffee as water. Other half said really I didn't have a clue. Took some exception to this.

Decided coffee must be altogether in wrong compartment, and rather excessively manipulating coffee press proceeded to jerk the item upwards, landing quite considerable amount of coffee grounds over Mrs Payne's head and upper body. Grounds made surprising effort to stick, leaving quite considerable coating, as in shock Mrs Payne uttered,
"Bit strong this time, Robert.".

At this other half said I'd done jolly well enough damage for today and we would ask Horseface next time they were over. Response that machine having technical issues quite ignored. Furious at defeat proceeded to take coffee items back into kitchen and sulk.

Still awfully annoyed this morning to see coffee machine standing proudly in lounge. Have good mind to take the item back as quite clearly defective.

In any case, at least it is Friday, and work almost caught up.

Day 74 - lunch

2012-01-19T13:00:00.000Z

Pleased with progress this morning and went down at 10 o'clock for tea to find Mrs Payne crouching over coffee machine inspecting its workings. Jumped quite considerably as I asked would she like some tea. Replies yes she would, and following me into kitchen made enquiries as to coffee machine and whether she would be able to make herself coffee should she wish.

Replied swiftly that really coffee machine awfully complicated to use and probably not suited for someone her age. Would she like some instant coffee? Took some exception to comment about "her age" and looked deeply disappointed by barring from coffee machine. Feeling generous on account of progress with work said I could make us both coffee. Mrs Payne most pleased with this, said I was terribly clever.

Abandoning tea making, popped into lounge to to see about coffee and asked Mrs Payne to bring the coffee and cups. Doing so she set the items down and stepped back as one in anticipating of a lit firework.

Spent some considerable time looking at machine, and upon manoeuvring various levers realised could barely remember how to work the machine. Mrs Payne after some moments asked if perhaps instructions would be useful, but said this highly unnecessary, man and machine were at one. Most exasperated with reply, "one what?".

Finally set machine into motion and stepped back to admire the workings. This cut rather short by distinct smell of burning and rushed to turn machine off, with Mrs Payne querying whether problem with coffee beans. Inspecting machine realised had forgotten important aspect, asked Mrs Payne would she be so good as to fill container with water?

Water container now filled set machine into motion once more, and explained that would see quite some action this time. Heard familiar gurgling and most shocked to see stream of water appear from nozzle in between cups falling straight onto tray and then onto floor. Swiftly moved cup to side to catch liquid, and watched with concern as it filled first one cup and then the other with nothing but hot water and not a jot of coffee.

Quite perplexed by this handed Mrs Payne cups, who after some consideration added, "they're a bit weak?".

Suggested must be some fault with machine and perhaps we should have tea now and try again later. Also, would she be so kind as to bring a mop?

Day 74

2012-01-19T09:00:00.000Z

Some frostiness over breakfast following argument at dinner last night regarding socialising of Mrs Payne. Explained really was quite unreasonable to have gaggle of old people around during day when I was working. Mrs Payne took some exception to this saying they weren't old, they were mature. Replied they were "mature" like a rusty gate, taken altogether badly.

After some disagreement was decided that Mrs Payne would attempt to socialise out of the house where possible and failing that would be permitted to socialise at home. Most displeased at this.

Setting to work having finished breakfast in bid to finally catch up work.

Day 73 - lunch

2012-01-18T12:00:00.000Z

Quite furious with progress this morning on work, principally owing to significant noise downstairs.

Going downstairs at 10 o'clock to get tea was astonished to find suspicious old couple from across the road quite happily having tea with Mrs Payne. Begged her pardon, but didn't know we were having guests. Response altogether annoying, "I would think not".

Made some effort in civility, requested would they be so kind as to keep noise down owing to me being frightfully busy at work. This most solemnly promised following quite futile conversation as to ins and outs of what I did for a living.

Having taken tea to office was interrupted some time later again by further noise from downstairs in form of most raucous laughter from downstairs. Quite furious at Mrs Payne inviting unknown strangers into home for socialising went downstairs to see what the jolly racket was. Found in addition to Mr and Mrs Suspicious two new elderly guests, quite mirror image of first two. Said at this was quite unreasonable to have guests at this volume, really was trying to work and would they be long? Response from all that they were just getting started considered height of amusement to all.

Laid down quite considerable point that they should jolly well be gone before lunch, with feeling that this warning not altogether taken on board by Mrs Payne. Comment from Mrs Payne "it's my home too!" altogether ignored, before thinking better, and just as Mrs Payne was about to repeat, added "I heard you!".

Further annoyed in going to get cup of tea found not a solitary leaf of tea in the kitchen, all having evidently been consumed by Mrs Payne and guests. As such had to make do with instant coffee, not even considering going into lounge to make proper coffee.

Went down before lunch in high hopes of unwanted guests having departed and much to annoyance found them in kitchen having some serious discussion as to dishwasher. Found the two elderly gentleman man-handling dishwasher out of its position saying machine wasn't working. Informed them most tersely that it was jolly well was working before they got to it, and further more their presence was no longer welcome and would they be kind enough to leave? This taken with utmost exception from guests, who promptly gathered things. Mrs Payne also took exception, not least with loud comment shouted down drive upon leaving,
"And don't come back!".

Day 73

2012-01-18T09:00:00.000Z

Worked terribly hard yesterday afternoon to catch up on work and was making good progress by dinner time.

Other half had made special effort and cooked my favourite for dinner and handed me a pre-dinner sherry by way of thanks for putting up with mother. Thought this profoundly nice of her, she's a darling.

As such was in most good mood at dinner, despite comment from Mrs Payne as to my deafness. Explained in nicest possible way was not in the slightest deaf, thank you very much. Other half added I should consider hearing test. Situation made altogether worse by me raising voice in doing so, acting as further evidence to Mrs Payne as to deafness.

Some minutes later by way of continuing conversation, Mrs Payne added I was getting on in years, and was nearly as old as her. Took this as awfully funny, said I jolly well hoped not! Mrs Payne most displeased by this, said she looked very well for her age.

Day 72 - lunch

2012-01-17T12:00:00.000Z

Held up in office this morning making copious notes in hope that this would somehow help work really only possible on computer. Staring at blank screen proved altogether useless also in attempt to visualise what to do.

Quite furious at having to wait, gave IT another call and gave them quite considerable piece of mind as to where on earth were cables, and how long does it take to send them? Was informed cables had been shipped, and gave quite sharp retort that shipping package altogether useless if they were not received.

Venturing downstairs for lunch found Mrs Payne quite at home in my armchair, now impossible for me to reconquer. To further annoyance, found package on sofa marked "Robert Smith, URGENT". Upon asking Mrs Payne as to when it arrived, and why she did not tell me, responded it had arrived shortly after me going into my office, and she didn't think it important.

Made quite a point of saying it was important, and most furious by response that maybe I should have answered the door myself. Explained I hadn't heard the door, and Mrs Payne replied,
"It's not my fault you're deaf". Too furious to reply to this, so Mrs Payne repeated louder,
"IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU'RE DEAF".
Response, "I HEARD YOU", not taken altogether well.

Day 72

2012-01-17T09:00:00.000Z

Altogether furious with Mrs Payne's return to our home. Or rather, barely having jolly well left. Was decided on account of Mrs Payne so awfully upset to hide out in shed that was really for the best for her to stay indefinitely. Provided some protestations to this, positively dismissed by other half as "missing the point". Responded not having elderley lady in one's own home absolutely NOT missing the point, this point itself ignored.

As such spent yesterday in attempt to avoid Mrs Payne, now awfully pleased with result and in quite jolliest of moods. Attempts to make peace by offering me tea most transparent but accepted all the same.

To make matters worse have still not received computer cables from company, so computer quite worthless and work getting later by the day.

Day 71 - lunch

2012-01-16T13:00:00.000Z

As mentioned earlier, Sergeant Brooks shone light into shed and moving aside to let me see revealed Mrs Payne, sat in deck chair with tiny torch herself and copy of Prima. Upon seeing me, responded,
"Oh, hello Robert!".

At this shouted to other half saying it was her mother, at which the whole party came out with friendly hellos from boss and Horseface and queries as to whether she was cold, treating this as quite the social call. Having quite enough of this I said with some annoyance,
"I say, what are you doing in our shed?".
Mrs Payne responded to this by turning to Sergeant Brooks saying,
"They're sending me to an old people's home, with old people. Might as well be dead.".

Sergeant Brooks gave sympathetic words to this and helped her out of the deck chair, suggesting she came into the house. Highly annoyed to say this is where she has been ever since.

Other half having thanked Sergeant Brooks for his kind help, let him out, and doing so made me quite aware that any further "fools errands" of this regard would result in being "done for wasting police time". This thought most unreasonable.

Having made tea for all and sat Mrs Payne down in my armchair (most annoyed about this) to warm up, restarted game of dominoes to attempt to end the evening well. This altogether more difficult by considerable chatter by other players and constant asking as to Mrs Payne's condition.

Said on a number of occasions it was someone's turn to move, gained quite some notice as me taking the game far too seriously. Another interruption came from Mrs Payne, who whilst shuffling around in armchair came across book "Dominoes for Children", and made quite a show of querying whose book it was. At this other half looked straight at me, pointed rather, and started laughing uncontrollably.
"I say! It's Robert's!", other half managed to utter between laughter and gasps for breath.
"Finding the game rather difficult, eh, Robert?", boss asked in fearful amusement himself.
"No please, be nice", Horseface chipped in, before adding in stone faced seriousness,
"Would you like a game of marbles after this, Wobert?". All erupted into bellowing laughter, after which was suggested they should get the sherry.

Played in quite furious silence after this, eventually losing to Horseface. Comment from Mrs Payne ended night off in quite worst way, sat in my armchair uttered,
"I say, you're not very good, Robert. Maybe you should get a grown-up book next time?".

Day 71

2012-01-16T09:00:00.000Z

In jolliest of moods Friday afternoon having set up coffee machine and awaited relaxing evening with some joy.

Proceeded to reread Dominoes for Children, although was awfully simplistic in its analyses. Stashed book under armchair cushion (now reclaimed from Mrs Payne) as other half came home and greeted her saying how nice it was to see my darling. Response of,
"What is this, bally Starbucks?" not altogether reciprocating, and look of distinct disapproval in direction of coffee machine, set up in lounge in place of record player long since departed, rather unnerving. Explained position of coffee maker awfully convenient with regards to dinner guests, and really positively nowhere else to put it due to size. Other half most disinterested with regards to size, said it was a jolly silly purchase and went to have a bath.

Horseface and boss arrived some time later as other half and I were making a start to bottle of wine, dinner cooking under its own supervision. Invited them in and received quite some laughter with regards to coffee machine.
"We'll have a large latte and a cappuccino" comment most unnecessary from Horseface, and moreso addition from boss,
"I say, do you sell muffins too?".
Other half looked on, most displeased.

All commented over dinner as to lack of Mrs Payne, and Horseface and boss most polite as to her failings. Said I was quite glad to have a bit of peace. Other half took some exception to this, but admitted it was rather difficult with her mother.

Dominoes came out after dinner and all stacked their 20 pence pieces but before we could start other half said she heard a noise from the garden. Awfully concerned with previous brush-in with burglar all went into kitchen to peer carefully through blinds. Four pair of eyes appeared through the slats, but could see nothing in the pitch black.

Said immediately we should call police, but boss replied "nonsense" and going to back door added,
"All the same, if I shout, probably best to ring the police".

The rest of us peered out of the door waiting for a scuffle but after some time heard nothing. Boss came bounding back and whispered he thought someone in the shed, as some noise coming from inside, and padlock quite unlatched. Said in any case as burglar had left padlock hanging on door, he had quickly fastened it tight and come back for reinforcements.

Said it was jolly well time to ring the police, and did so, quite shaking with nerves of burglar locked in own shed. Was informed police would be around soon, and trying to calm our nerves each had a drink and started game of dominoes.

Barely got rid of two tiles before knock came at door as well as blue flashing lights through curtains. Quite thankful to see Sergeant Brooks, rather less so when he referred to me as "Sherlock" again. Others thought this quite hilarious, presumed this mostly owing to wine.

Sergeant and I stalked around to garden and following some stern words from Sergeant to shed captive, asked for key to the padlock. I felt under plant pot to find key quite missing. Apologised most earnestly, said was unable to open padlock.

Sergeant took this in his stride, asked if I had any bolt cutters. Said yes I did, they were in the shed. This taken altogether less well, and after some discussion as to what tools I had in the shed, went to get screwdriver from police car.

After some considerable minutes stood out in cold, finally managed to unscrew padlock bracket and hinges to loose door from its position. Sergeant added some stern words as he did so and stood in doorway such that no one could escape. Shining his torch in heard unmistakable quiver of Mrs Payne.

...

Too furious about this to continue now, so will write later.

Day 70 - lunch

2012-01-13T12:30:00.000Z

Made some considerable effort with regards to finding home for coffee machine, with Mrs Payne positively refusing to help in the slightest. Presumed this as rather upset at going back to nursing home. Struggled with it to utility room only to find kettle in the way, and carefully placing coffee machine on floor proceeded to stub toe in moving kettle. Furious at this set about putting coffee machine on work top only to find it did not fit there either, upset a box of soap powder in the process causing blizzard of soap powder to fall all over floor. Taking coffee machine back into kitchen even more furious to find had trodden white soap powder footprints on my way, Mrs Payne thinking this quite hilarious. Having cleaned up this mess altogether too tired as well as angry to proceed further, left coffee machine where it was located originally with kettle on top.

Gingerly asked Mrs Payne if she was packed and ready to go to train station. Was informed by few sharp words that Mrs Payne packed but jolly well not ready to go. Explained in nicest possible way that this was agreement, received not a word of response. Waiting some minutes to ask again set about thinking of location for coffee machine, and most pleased with moment of sheer genius of idea. Keen to put this into place steeled myself to ask again as to Mrs Payne's readiness for departure, and although no reply given, pleased to see movement in direction of front door.

Took Mrs Payne to station in silence, and carefully watching clock realised was quite in danger of missing train. Getting there, hurried suitcase and Mrs Payne to platform, with distinct absence of hurry from the latter, only to find had indeed missed the train. Most displeased at this as had fearfully busy day and was still expecting courier with computer leads. Dumping suitcase to ground and panting profusely asked Mrs Payne if she would be able to wait for next train, and hearing this in affirmative, set off home.

Pleased to have home free of Mrs Payne, and quite regained excitement about setting up coffee machine in new home. Have that to do after lunch.

Day 70

2012-01-13T09:00:00.000Z

Coffee maker now installed and making awfully good cups of coffee. Unfortunately this at minor cost of fearful row last night with other half regarding coffee maker barely fitting on counter top. This due in part to wall cabinets too low to slide machine under, and further, in doing so cannot possibly use cup warmer! Informed other half of this by way of reasoning and received particularly sharp words about not caring a jot about the cup warmer, and further where had the kettle gone? Explained positively no room for the kettle, and as such had relegated it to utility room. This taken particularly badly and told in no uncertain terms that coffee machine jolly well better be moved and kettle returned to its original location.

As such, this morning have difficult task of moving coffee machine, by no means trivial due to some significant weight. Quite where machine will go another question entirely. As well as having this to worry about also have job of taking Mrs Payne to station, packing her off to nursing home. Awfully stressful day. Looking forward to dominoes this evening with no Mrs Payne and able to enjoy an after dinner coffee.

Day 69 - lunch

2012-01-12T13:00:00.000Z

Spent some considerable time last night researching replacement coffee maker and had agreed on particular make and model with other half. As such planned quick trip around three shops to gauge best price and then to ruthlessly buy the lowest priced and continue my day. This going quite to plan until in worst luck found Horseface nuzzling around second shop. Must spend more time in town than the tramps do.

Explained as to business in town and received highly negative response to chosen coffee maker, described as "fearful rubbish". Made alternate suggestion of coffee maker four times the price, adding glowing review and declared as same one they had. Made weak argument that really wanted something rather more compact, quickly dispelled as "nonsense". After some dilly dallying walked out of the shop with rather large box with expensive coffee maker. Despite extortionate price was quite excited by purchase.

Having thought about repainting black patch on wall went about getting some paint but agreed to meet Horseface for coffee afterwards. Thought this prudent in keeping Horseface happy such that she would be easier pray during dominoes tomorrow.

Found paint with minimal trouble, despite carrying around coffee maker box. Could barely see in front of me so elected to place box in trolley. Had some trouble with cashier, however, in explaining how could I possibly need to pay for coffee maker they did not even sell. Led to positively enormous queue behind me waiting for manager to approve "purchase".

Ended up in awful fluster getting to coffee shop in time to meet Horseface, only to find not a sign of her. Got coffee all the same, and carefully placing coffee machine out of harm's way set about waiting.

Had practically finished coffee when Horseface finally entered, and was then required to have another. In opening her bag saw distinctly book about dominoes, quickly hidden away so I would not notice. Thought this most sneaky of plans, and made enquiries once coffee had been acquired as to if she was looking forward to dominoes tomorrow. Casually responded,
"Oh, I suppose so". Further questioning as to boning up positively denied. Sneaky nag.

Have now to try new coffee maker.

Day 69

2012-01-12T09:00:00.000Z

Not a jot of work to be done until computer leads are first received by company and then sent back, so plan to go into town today to replace coffee maker lately deceased. Situation altogether unpleasant for all involved, particularly with constant reminder of black patch on wall. Other half frightfully angry at seeing this initially, said we were like a pair of children. Thought this decidedly thick.

In any event, Mrs Payne most upset about it. Said she was only trying to help. Other half and I aware that Mrs Payne is doing her best to stay with us, however this not affecting agreed plan for her to go back to nursing home tomorrow.

Day 68 - lunch

2012-01-11T12:30:00.000Z

Still in mourning following disaster with coffee maker, and as such gave Mrs Payne strict instructions not to interfere with regards to courier for computer. As such furious when attended to knock at door to find Mrs Payne had moved computer all of two yards nearer to front door "trying to help", positively blocking door being opened.

Having dragged computer out of doorway went about answering to find courier waiting impatiently on doorstep. Showed courier computer awaiting collection only to be immediately rebuffed as not possibly being able to take item on account of not being packaged. Thinking this altogether unreasonable, told courier I would keep old computer and take delivery of new one in any case. This quite impossible, was informed, as courier order was for parcel exchange, and couldn't possibly deliver item without picking up return item.

Highly annoyed by this had idea to swap computer boxes in order to send back old one. Asking courier to wait a moment set about swapping boxes, with courier looking on whilst I struggled. Query as to whether courier could perhaps help quickly denied as being "against the rules", and as such had to fall on sword and ask Mrs Payne for help. Took enormous intake of air as agreement as Mrs Payne struggled to get up, then tottered over to help. Having swapped boxes was positively sweating for the trouble, and Mrs Payne barely helping a jot, was quite at breaking point as Mrs Payne uttered,
"I say, Robert..".
Thanking Mrs Payne for her help by way of brushing her query aside, set about signing for parcels.

Looking on computer realised it was altogether superior to previous contraption, and taking it upstairs was most pleased with upgrade. Having spent some considerable time with various wires and entrails, realised could not positively connect the thing with existing monitor. Rang IT at this curiosity, and was informed "of course" could not connect monitor, and further new computer had shipped with several additional leads for this purpose. Furious at this ended call and sought out Mrs Payne.

Apologised profusely for interrupting Mrs Payne's puzzle time (which to note, lasts all day) but had she seen additional leads for new computer? Response came back that yes, she had. Thinking this quite some progress asked if she would be so good as to tell me where she put them? Most dismayed to learn that leads were in box, now being returned with old computer. Mrs Payne quite animated as to say she had tried to tell me, but as I ignored her had assumed leads were not needed. Too furious to reply to this returned to my office and after some staring at blank monitor rang IT.

IT clearly had great deal of amusement at mistake with box, and support person having told numerous people in office with quite some laughter, proceeded to say most gravely that all relevant staff had been informed, and leads would be sent back to me as soon as possible.

Day 68

2012-01-11T09:00:00.000Z

Yesterday afternoon altogether written off due to kaput computer, thought it useful to return to library. Explained was having to go out on account of being unable to do work, and received profoundly ridiculous comment from Mrs Payne that I went out all the time.

After lunch made my way to library and pleased to find Mr News absent from proceedings. Several grateful newspaper readers gave me a friendly nod.

Another game of dominoes organised for Friday night with boss and Horseface, so thought it quite wise to seek further advice on strategy. Spent some time looking on shelf labelled "Games", however dominoes books positively disappeared. Went to check with librarian as to their location and was informed sharply that books had been borrowed. Made some query as to each and every dominoes books having been borrowed, librarian begged my pardon but could not speak louder in library, as evidently I was deaf. Took great offence at this and promptly left.

Went on to spend good hour in town drifting from book shop to charity shop by means of securing dominoes book, now fearfully focused by determination. Best could manage was book entitled "Dominoes for Children" from charity shop, bargain at 50 pence all the same.

In hope this morning that courier is quick in delivery of replacement computer, but have been hidden away in office reading dominoes book trying to glean anything but most basic of information.

Day 67 - lunch

2012-01-10T12:00:00.000Z

About to get tea mid-morning was surprised to find computer went off in front of me. Investigated for several minutes as to possible reason and not a single thing seemed wrong. Quite frantic by this as had promised work to boss today went about ringing IT to see about possible problems.

Call eventually answered and explained computer had gone off. Went through several diagnostics with IT person at which had to explain was actually not a complete idiot, had checked computer switch was on. IT person baffled by this eventually happened upon a suggestion. Asked me to turn on desk lamp. Did this only to find desk lamp quite unlit also. Awfully embarrassed by this thanked him for his time.

Going downstairs to investigate heard Mrs Payne in kitchen clearly in state of concern. Entered to find Mrs Payne frozen in middle of kitchen, coffee maker now plugged in and large black patch down wall. Explanation soon came as,
"Sorry Robert! I thought I'd make you coffee!".

Managed only "Mrs Payne!" as went to check on fuse box before carefully disconnecting coffee maker with some grimacing from Mrs Payne and I both. Found wall altogether blackened by what Mrs Payne described as coffee maker "going up" and quite unable to be cleaned off.

Too furious to deal with situation, turned fuses back on and set about making tea before returning to office. Mrs Payne most apologetic as to state of wall as went back upstairs.

Checked desk lamp now working went about turning computer back on only to find machine quite unwilling to perform its duties. Multiple attempts as to waking the beast failing, had unfortunate task of ringing IT. Several minutes passed of questions as to whether I was SURE electricity was on this time, and quite terse in answers as to yes it jolly well was. Diagnosis eventually given that computer quite dead and would need replacing. Begged as to some other option and most valuable work stored in computers innards fell on deaf ears. Ended call with arrangement to receive another computer and send computer back via courier.

Too annoyed to go downstairs, sat for some considerable time before calling boss and saying work would be late due to computer malfunction.

Day 67

2012-01-10T09:00:00.000Z

Last night dishwasher thankfully finished programme prior to dinner, thankfully in that practically all cutlery and crockery seemed stowed away in dishwasher by Mrs Payne, leaving barely a solitary plate to dine from.

Other half home, had invited her to see sight of plug dangling out of dishwasher. Thankfully Mrs Payne quite absent as was awfully engrossed in puzzle book. Both of us quite speechless.

Having opened the door realised would probably be washing crockery before dinner. Explanation of sheer quantity of plates in dishwasher quite clear, as Mrs Payne had stacked plates one on top of another in neat little tower, quite impossible to clean. Moving plates to sink went on to investigate coffee maker. Proceeded to lift unfortunate machine out of dishwasher, pouring quite considerable amount of water over carpet slippers in process. Quite furious at this put coffee maker down on worktop only to find water continued flooding out and trickling down drawers. Other half gave some sharp words and began wiping drawers, with now quite a waterfall seeping in. Asked what about my slippers, other said I could "bally well paddle". Thought this utmost unreasonableness.

Emptied bowl containing tricklings from door into sink and proceeded to splash water on shirt. Took this further onslaught in furious silence.

Having dried all but myself as best as possible were still left with quite sorry looking coffee machine, albeit it with most brilliantly shining exterior.

In state of deep sorrow at loss of coffee maker washed plates in bare feet whilst other half made dinner and nothing more was mentioned about it.

Thankfully Mrs Payne back to usual morning routine this morning and other half and I left to fend for ourselves for breakfast. This most welcome option, although not quite the same without coffee.

Day 66 - lunch

2012-01-09T13:00:00.000Z

Mrs Payne's new mood altogether more onerous than the last. Having careful rid ourselves of rancid coffee based drink, other half had gone to work and I had gone to my office. Had explained that really was no need to clean coffee machine, as she was too kind in making it for us this morning. Most depressed had considered complete disassembly quite likely required to bring machine back to life.

Went down to get tea to find Mrs Payne with spectacles on in fearful concentration looking at dishwasher instructions. Quite unprepared to have broken dishwasher as well as coffee maker, went on to explain how to set it up and left her job of putting in few dishes from breakfast and closing door. Mrs Payne seemed quite grateful for this, and taking my tea went back to my office.

Coming down for lunch was pleased to see kitchen most spick-and-span and dishwasher quietly humming away. Asked if she had had any problems, and she said machine quite easiest thing to work in the world.

Sitting down for lunch had curious feeling that kitchen was rather sparse, and looking around begged Mrs Payne's pardon, but where was the coffee maker? Explanation came back that it was being cleaned. Said to this Mrs Payne really too kind, but where exactly was it? Dismayed to learn coffee maker was in dishwasher. Pondered with her as to whether was wise to put electric item in dishwasher, and bound to say had to agree with logic that she thought it best not to put the plug in. As such, went to utility room to find cable with plug trailing out of dishwasher door along with small trickle of water, pooling on floor. Putting bowl under trickle went back to kitchen to find Mrs Payne assuring it to be "like new" once done. Some further time remains on dishwasher programme, and will have to see end result later.

Day 66

2012-01-09T09:00:00.000Z

Had quite some discussion with other half over the weekend as to Mrs Payne's extended residency in our home. Disappearance of willow tree quite brought things to a head, and was decided she would have to return to nursing home. As such, having told Mrs Payne this, had absolutely frightful weekend. Mrs Payne instantly put up defence saying nursing home "full of old people!" not entirely helping situation, and frosty reception all of Saturday and Sunday, with myself considered primary traitor.

Expected absolute worst this morning over breakfast, however quite unexpectedly Mrs Payne in most jolly of moods, and further had got up at a most unusual hour to make other half and I breakfast. Reticent of previous misdemeanours if kitchen, was surprised to find kitchen really quite tidy. Further cereal and toast had been laid out.

Unfortunately breakfast not altogether in order. Mrs Payne, had attempted making morning coffee using coffee maker, but unable to find coffee grounds had instead made alternate arrangements. Explained was awfully sorry, but struggled to manipulate the "coffee contraption", but very proud of herself, had nevertheless forged ahead and produced coffee all the same by passing instant coffee and powered milk through coffee maker. In effort not to upset Mrs Payne, other half and I carefully sipped brown bitter substance (quite unfit to call coffee) whilst smiling politely to Mrs Payne's question on whether it tasted ever better than normal. Whilst doing so looked in horror at state of coffee maker, dripping powdered milk from every orifice. Quite unsure if coffee maker will pull through. RIP.

Day 65 - afternoon

2012-01-06T13:00:00.000Z

Made some effort to get to library early this morning on account of making transaction as to return of book as quiet as possible. Was informed that librarian was terribly sorry, but it was other librarian that could deal with this issue when she arrived later. Queried as to all librarians being equal, and was informed terribly sorry but could not help. As such, had some time to kill and happened upon plan.

Sat myself at table where newspapers usually laid out, thinking this awfully clever as to getting one up on Mr News. Sitting in the head news chair I waited, reading the book being returned for other half.

After some time Mr News came in, evidently early also to prepare himself for newspapers and an audience with his news underlings. Glanced up from my book to see him quite furious at my presence, and smiling politely returned to my book.

Heard Mr News having some cross words with librarian incapable of return queries, and thought this quite having won the battle.

In effort to set up new camp Mr News sat down at a nearby table, as I wondered if he had arranged alternative site for newspapers with librarian. Quite content at this disruption in itself and also at other half's choice in dominoes book, really quite clever in its explanation.

Various news underlings came in and quite confused at which camp to be affiliated with proceeded to split themselves between my table and Mr News'. Decided to rise above this ridiculous feud and continued to read book, soon to be returned in replacement of 5 pounds. Should Mr News' underlings decide to defect, that was entirely their own business.

After some nervous waiting another librarian came in and having taken off her coat proceeded to bring over newspapers, dropping a quite considerable majority of them on my table, and seeing the obvious division of ranks, placed the remaining few on Mr News' table. At this several of my borrowed underlings stirred as to newspapers being distributed, at which I looked among my men and stated with authority,
"Gentlemen, have whatever newspapers you like!" and proceeded to get up and leave the table with a gasp from all.

Pleased as punch at this development went over to the librarian desk and made case for return of 5 pounds as book had been found, borrowed by wife unbeknown to me. This explanation taken in utmost bad nature by librarian but on sheer account of my good mood following victory over Mr News, agreed to reduce fine to the late return instead of missing book. Took this as no small feat in itself and happily walked from the library with Mr News looking on furiously in my wake.

Day 65

2012-01-06T09:00:00.000Z

Last night altogether livid with episode at library with regards to 5 pound fine. Made some effort to recount with other half and Mrs Payne over dinner. Mrs Payne positively shocked with fine of that magnitude, although other half unusually quiet.

Some time later, other half sheepishly said perhaps she knew about said book on account of her having took it out from library, and awfully sorry, but had neglected to return book in time. Mrs Payne thought this frightfully amusing that I had taken flack for other half's misdemeanour and chuckled for some considerable time saying repeatedly,
"I hope you gave them what-for, Robert!".
Was all too aware I HAD given them what-for, and further, now had arduous decision on whether to retrieve 5 pounds or keep book, now unwanted by other half.

Further to this consideration, made point of mentioning other half's sneaky goings on with regards to borrowing book in first place and not telling me! This unfortunately backfired as Mrs Payne had spied my own sneaky book loan when I had brought it home on her daily scuttling about. Other half took some exception to this, said accusation was "jolly rich".

Ended conversation both having been caught out and Mrs Payne thinking it most amusing of evening entertainment. Said I would take book back tomorrow. Mrs Payne's comment "you give them what-for, Robert!" entirely unhelpful.

Day 64 - afternoon

2012-01-05T13:30:00.000Z

On earlier subject of clowns, appears library have quite circus act of their own. In going to library to return book librarian begged my pardon, but would I be returning other book I had borrowed? Explained I had borrowed but a single book, and furthermore most displeased on "short loan" service. Two days quite ridiculous. Librarian replied reason for short loan service was quite the late return of book in question.

In effort to straighten out situation handed back "Introduction to Dominoes" and said that was only book I had borrowed. Further, had now necessary proof of identity such that could get proper library card. Apparently application for library card quite impossible seeing as other book had not yet returned, and due to short loan nature of book had outstanding fine of 5 pounds. Said this altogether ridiculous, could jolly well buy the book, whatever it may be, for that. At this librarian took omission to guilt and made renewed demand for money.

Quite furious at this made enquiries as to who was in charge here, at which two other librarians awoke from their dilly dallying and said "we all are". Made some further endeavour as to one being more senior, but fell quite on deaf ears as they were all senior librarians. At this, Mr News shuffled over, adding to conversation,
"he's trouble this one". Librarians gave nod of acknowledgement.

Ventured to ask what the name of the book was that was outstanding, and informed it was "Domino Strategy". Said I had never seen the book and furthermore had not loaned it. Librarian, looking at computer said "the system" disagreed.

With no choice other than blacklisting from one's local library, paid the 5 pounds and furiously completed the application for library card. Handed it in positively shaking, declared the situation "daylight robbery" and stalked out of the place.

Day 64

2012-01-05T09:00:00.000Z

Other half came in last night most frantic and queried at quite a volume,
"Where's the bally tree!?".

Detected some accusation in my direction, and explained it had been Mrs Payne's "watch" as I had been out at the library. At this Mrs Payne gave an indignant sigh and sat in the armchair grumbling to herself.

Other half, quite unwilling to let the issue alone, went on to ask her mother, and after some time the horrible details of the tree's demise came out.

Mrs Payne, having already donated the Christmas tree to the bin lorry had quite forgotten about the tree collection and having come to the door when they called it was "only natural" that she should get into some confusion. As such, thinking about to my advice regarding tree being near the bin for collection, Mrs Payne made some efforts to point out the tree "Robert" had identified, that being the willow tree.

Apparently some negotiation followed, as digging up of trees quite outside of the Christmas tree collection's duties, but Mrs Payne most insistent as to work being carried out, and eventually good natured tree collector obliged.

At this, Mrs Payne did admit it was "awfully curious" when he asked for a spade, but nevertheless, she scuttled off and got him a spade. Mrs Payne also added spade now in back garden terribly caped in mud and with broken handle. Furious at this.

Other half at this most displeased, declared Mrs Payne and I both "a pair of bally clowns!". Took some offence at this and said instructions had been quite clear.

Mrs Payne chipped in at this point saying she had thought my instructions "a bit off centre" as she stood in lounge window watching tree being dug up.

As last straw, Mrs Payne said she thought they had done a jolly good job of it, and further, she had tipped them for their trouble.

All too annoyed for conversation, had dinner in silence.

In any event, off to the library this morning to return book in ridiculously short loan.

Day 63 - afternoon

2012-01-04T13:00:00.000Z

Made quite sure to have no further run-in with Mr News at library, but upon returning home received frightful shock. Quite inexplicably, 10 year old willow tree that had made its home of a little circular patch of soil in our front lawn had disappeared. Went over immediately to investigate to find soil neatly raked over as if tree had never been there.

Open mouthed, looked around area to see if by some madness tree had wandered off, but tree nowhere to be seen.

Still open mouthed let myself in and asked Mrs Payne what had happened to tree, last seen this morning, in garden. Mrs Payne response, "Oh? What tree?", entirely unhelpful. Asked her to join me at lounge window to survey the lawn.

Mrs Payne most displeased on having to get up, but with some huff and puff managed to get to the window and having made the distance explained, "Oh! That tree!". Ventured to ask where "that tree" was, and positively flabbergasted to hear council had taken tree away later.

Bound to say had to make some considerable effort with regards to temper but asked perhaps she would be so good as to explain why council had taken tree, rooted in the ground, when Christmas tree left accessible next to bin as previously explained.

At this Mrs Payne, most defensively said the bin men had taken the Christmas tree as I had asked, and furthermore she had to leap to the front door and provide instructions to that affect as they were,
"leaving it strewn in the street".

Gave large sigh, and Mrs Payne returned to her armchair visibly harmed by the injustice. Thought better of asking what further event led to disappearance of willow tree. Will leave this to other half this evening.

Day 63

2012-01-04T09:00:00.000Z

Other half awfully disappointed at taking down Christmas tree yesterday evening, as was Mrs Payne at removal of avalanche of decorations. Took some considerable time, with no small amount of needles left on carpet. Said plastic tree far superior in this regard. Other half responded only reason plastic tree didn't drop was because it had less needles than a pin cushion. Thought this quite irrational.

Took tree outside and propped against bin for collection tomorrow. County council offer awfully convenient service whereby tree can be collected for mulching. Aggrieved at giving council free mulch all the same.

With previous success with creative process am taking another trip to library. Explained to Mrs Payne that bin men would be coming around for the bin and tree would also be collected. After some confusion message seemed to hit home.

Day 62 - afternoon

2012-01-03T12:30:00.000Z

Really missed a trick not going to library previously. Place positively dead early on before the elderly had shuffled in mid-morning. By that time I had made a significant dent into my design work and was seeking other ways to spend my time before having to head home to Mrs Payne.

Thought I would see what newspapers were available, which proved awfully difficult, with seemingly some sort of elderly person 'pecking order' for selection and distribution of newspapers. As such, Mr News, head newspaper reader, was the only one sitting at the table where newspapers were spread, and his various underlings sat nearby, apparently waiting on their master for the odd cast off.

Having viewed this from afar, thought this quite absurd and made a particular effort to drag a nearby chair up to the table. Having done so, proceeded to place my notebook on the table and reach for the Times. At this, Mr News, not even bothering to look up, declared,
"That is being read".
Quite furious at this, but let the newspaper alone, and went instead for the Guardian. Again, Mr News, declared,
"That is being read".
This time, quite prepared, replied,
"It doesn't look like it", and went on to open the newspaper, positively shaking with anger.
Not quite finished, Mr News looked directly at me and with quiet fury said,
"Sorry Charlie, you'll have to wait for the Guardian, SIR here jumped the queue."
Too angry to reply.

Some time passed of barely reading, with previous argument in my mind, and eventually realised Mr News was going to outlast my tenure in the library. As such folded the newspaper, and politely handed it to "Charlie", who said he didn't want it, thanks all the same. With this Mr News grunted, and I left the reading section.

Before leaving I had a most ingenious idea of seeking out a book on dominoes play. Finding several of the books I selected the most useful looking "Introduction to Dominoes" and went to the desk. Most annoyed to find that without official registered library card could only borrow the book for two days, but borrowed it all the same, tucking it inside my notebook to keep it hidden from Mrs Payne and other half.

Day 62

2012-01-03T09:00:00.000Z

Having endured Mrs Payne for numerous hours over Christmas, so decided to take trip to library today to get some degree of quiet and focus on work. Have some design work that can be done on paper. Also thought I could read the newspaper and browse the books as an early lunch.

At breakfast Mrs Payne most surprised when I said I would be out all morning. Went on to ask what she was going to do on her own. Looked at other half and said in unison,
"Don't cook anything".

This taken altogether badly, and Mrs Payne sulked thereafter. Attempted to make amends asking if there was anything she might like whilst I was out, but request was flatly ignored.

Day 61

2012-01-02T10:00:00.000Z

Although it is a bank holiday I thought I should start getting back into the habit of writing the diary following the Christmas break. Had a most enjoyable time and the goose was quite delicious. Said I will certainly get one again (myself next time).

Still feeling a great deal of appreciation for boss and Horseface's gift, invited them around for New Years Eve. Expected them to be busy with some engagement or other, but found them quite excited by the prospect. Said they would bring a bottle and some entertainment. Thought this quite curious, and expected the worst.

In any case, boss and Horseface arrived at 6 o'clock on the 31st. Door was answered by me as other half and Mrs Payne still getting ready. Took their bottle and having greeted them warmly, sat them down with a drink while I continued to get various pastry items and so on ready for buffet later, popping in occasionally to add a few plates to the folding table. At great insistence of Mrs Payne, also served her speciality: miniature turkey mince pies, made by her earlier in day. Kitchen had barely recovered since.

Other half joined us some time later as I was finishing preparations. Had managed to exchange the dress I bought, and coming down the stairs she looked a picture. Told her this and said she was a darling.

Barely had time to fill other half's glass before Mrs Payne made her entrance, with an gasping,
"Good God, Bitty!", followed quickly by, "you look a picture!" from boss. Rest of us all too astonished to reply.

Mrs Payne, wearing what can only describe as light blue tinsel-effect dress, came plodding carefully down the stairs, looking not unlike a giant Christmas bauble.

Other half quickly stepped in saying perhaps mother would catch a chill in her dress, and although awfully nice to dress up on this occasion, perhaps would be best to wear something warmer seeing as everyone else was in "scruffs", and in any case, oh it was very nice, and where did she get the dress? Mrs Payne most indignant about this, saying her daughter was wearing her nice dress so she would like to also and she bought it in town. As such endured Mrs Payne in this attire all evening.

Buffet preparation quite finished, sat down and enjoyed a glass of wine whilst making sure to tell them how delicious the goose was. Other half interjected saying if I talked about that goose any more I'd likely turn into one. Received laughs all round.

Decided shortly after that perhaps the buffet should be started, and handing around plates, everyone duly gathered their food. Mrs Payne made quite certain that everyone had at least one turkey mince pie, and herself, three.

Sitting down again we each began nibbling at our favourite morsels, and judging by careful viewing, had approximately the same reaction to Mrs Payne's turkey mince pies. As such, one would take a small bite, realise the item the most foulest of pies ever set upon, and during a most frightful process of chewing and swallowing, set into a deep depression on how to get rid of the remainder. Inevitably this meant hiding it carefully amongst other items on the plate, and hoping by some miracle it would disappear. Inevitably, with further eating it would peek out from time to time and make its worrisome presence known, insetting further depression at ever having taken the beastly item in the first place.

After some time of talking and eating, and I'm pleased to say two or more trips to the buffet table from everyone, the most horrible of events occurred with Mrs Payne venturing to ask what we thought of her pies. This subject most delicately dealt with by all, saying it was most delicious but really, they were much too full for any more, thank you. Quite aware of the curious height of napkins on plates, I most judiciously took everyone's plates away, carefully stacking the turkey mince pie remains as I went, unseen to Mrs Payne.

Next came boss and Horseface's surprise, and quite unexpected it was. Asking if I would be so kind as to pull the little coffee table over, boss said he would reveal the surprise. I did as asked, and gathering around we looked upon a long thing wooden box rather the size of a pencil box. Opening it revealed a beautifully crafted set of dominoes. Thought this the most silliest of children's games, and said as much, but boss and Horseface quite adamant that it was quite a skill and the height of intellectual gameplay.

Making sure everyone's drinks quite topped up for purposes of endurance, set about playing our first game. Having shuffled the tiles we each drew a requisite five dominoes. Following boss and Horseface's example, other half, Mrs Payne and I set our tiles on edge and looked at our hands most seriously.

After some time I ventured to ask what we were waiting for, at which boss and Horseface both exclaimed they were waiting on the other to start. Seeing this was going to be quite a long game, had a generous mouthful of wine.

Followed a marginally interesting game where I quickly expelled three of my five tiles only to sit on the remaining two for turn after turn of arduous dilly dallying. Eventually my luck came and I won! Most pleased at having won, and the game having taken less time than expected, asked if perhaps we should have another. Three games later, I had won my solitary one game, Horseface had won one, and other half had won two! Said this was a most entertaining way to spend an evening, and further, was quite in agreement at fearful level of skill and gameplay.

Suggested a small break, at which time other half offered up her little finger desserts. Mrs Payne excitedly said there were more turkey mince pies available, but all said they were really in more of a sweet mood. Mrs Payne highly dejected at this.

Boss said dominoes really rather boring, with Horseface proceeding to tease that was only because he wasn't winning. Boss went on to say perhaps playing for money might liven the game up, how about 20p a player per game? All seemed delighted at this added excitement, although Mrs Payne most scornful at betting on a Sunday. Explained it was actually Saturday, however Mrs Payne would not change her opinion. As such game continued with four of us, which worked out all the better as we could have the standard 7 tiles.

With money at stake game continued with great focus from all involved. Mrs Payne interjected on occasion as to how delicious her turkey mince pies were whilst proceeding to polish off the plate, but the four players far too involved in the game to respond. Was furiously keen to win the 80p. Other half, playing to my left, interrupted my tortuous thought process on several occasions with "COME ON!".

In any event, I won the game! Some grumbling proceeded as to everyone else having given up out of sheer boredom, but I claimed the victory, and 80p (although 20p was my own). Some minor gloating may have occurred, and said another two games and I'd have enough for a coffee at the coffee shop! Horseface deeply aggravated by this, swore it would never happen.

Managed three more games before midnight, with a win spread between each of us. This worked out rather well as all ended the night happy in a small victory, although each took home his or her original money.

Counted down to midnight in usual tradition with all having a glass of champagne apart from Mrs Payne, now fast asleep with an empty plate in her laps and only a few turkey mince pie crumbs remaining.

Happy New Year!

Christmas Day

2011-12-25T11:00:00.000Z

Barely thought I would have time today for diary, but seeing as other half has taken Mrs Payne to church, have a few moments free.

Awoke early hearing some awfully loud noises from downstairs, and assuming worse, went down to see if a burglar was about. Instead, opened kitchen door to see Mrs Payne, still in dressing gown, and quite covered in flour making usual mess about the kitchen. Uttered "Mrs Payne!" before judiciously adding "Merry Christmas!" and saw look for intense pride on her face.

"Merry Christmas Robert!", she said, adding with excitement, "I'm making pancakes! For breakfast!", clearly dazzled by this most wild of ideas.

Replied I thought it a brilliant notion, however had to advise Mrs Payne that unfortunately filling toasted sandwich maker with pancake batter most unwise. Aggrieved to learn Mrs Payne thought nothing of the sort, and went on to say she had already made a dozen, now keeping warm in oven. Painfully looked upon sandwich maker to find it more batter than machine. Merely managed "jolly good" in response.

Other half having joined us, had a most joyful breakfast of square pancakes, with a short break to investigate smoke bellowing from kitchen on account of sandwich maker being left on.

Followed the opening of presents before church. Mrs Payne most pleased with her six pack of tinned mince from me. Proceeded to read the label as one evaluating a fine wine, giving approving murmurs on occasion. Mrs Payne in return gave me a tie. Did my best to thank her for the gift. Not quite sure when I will have the necessity to wear it, but Mrs Payne insisted I did so at the earliest opportunity. Other half added she thought I'd look most dashing.

Other half opened her gift from me, and thanked me for the trouble, noting I had the right size as well. Did inform me, however, that as it happened she had an identical dress already. Disappointed, said I didn't remember it. Other half said it was a jolly nice thought though, and she could exchange it for something as nice. I opened my gift from other half, and delighted to uncover a new coat. Said she wouldn't want me to be cold. Thanked her kindly for the gift.

Mrs Payne and other half exchanged soap and suchlike, and as such concluded presents. Helped ourselves to a little sherry.

Am now in charge of the goose, now cooking in the oven, and Mrs Payne's turkey mince, stewing in a saucepan.

Merry Christmas.

Christmas Eve

2011-12-24T10:00:00.000Z

Received knock at door some time yesterday afternoon, and assumed other half home early for the day and had forgotten her key. In any event opened the door (Mrs Payne being quite too involved in puzzle book) to find boss and Horseface showing quite profound sets of teeth between them, smiling in state of profound amusement. "We've got something for you", the grinning pair said in unearthly unison, and with a nod from boss, Horseface cantered off to the car, bring bag a large shopping bag, quite struggling to hold it. Boss went on to explain,"We had this for boxing day, but we couldn't see you short on Christmas, so have this from us. I'm afraid it's not a turkey, but hopefully it'll be okay.", at which Horseface opened the bag to reveal most straggly turkey, was in fact a quite beautiful goose.

Not ashamed to say I had a little tear in my eye as I gratefully accepted the gift, and asked if they would like to come in for a sherry. Saying they had no plans, said they would be delighted.

Opened fridge, looking sad and cavernously empty, and shoved in the large goose, filling it almost completely. Returned to lounge with glasses and profound thanks to the both of them. Mrs Payne asked if she would still be able to have her turkey mince.

Four of us were in quite a state of merriment as other half came home looking altogether beleaguered knowing I would almost certainly not have managed to get something for Christmas dinner. Rushing to take my darling in my arms, explained a most wondering thing had happened. Boss quite cut me off however, saying,
"I'd say it's wonderful! Robert really pulled it out of the bag, he was just telling us, getting hold of a goose for you! Don't know how the man does it! Quite a dynamo!". Boss and other half smiled most graciously as I opened my mouth to protest, but had no chance before other half showed her affection saying it was me that was wonderful. Promptly dropped her work things where she stood and rapidly joined us for a sherry

Am now feeling most in Christmas spirit. Pleased to say this morning found advent calendar storing chocolate behind its little '24' door also.

Day 60 - afternoon

2011-12-23T14:00:00.000Z

Supermarket positively stuff earlier when going to find something for Christmas dinner. Made mistake of taking shopping basket, which meant weaving through people practically impossible. Got to fresh meat aisle to find not a solitary morsel on the shelves. Asked disinterested customer assistant (as they are diplomatically called now, judging by name badge) whether they would be expecting more and received irritating response of "not likely mate". Thought this utmost rudeness and indignantly walked off.

Frozen meat aisle proved equally unfruitful with freezer after freezer baron of all but a few stray peas and frost. Becoming more depressed by the minute carried on, managing finally to find a packet of two turkey fillets in breadcrumbs, a most horrible notion for Christmas dinner, but by far the best that could be done. For Mrs Payne went and retrieved a tin of turkey mince also. At least someone would be happy with Christmas dinner.

Was in a most depressed mood waiting in enormous queue at checkout with my meagre items, and making matters worse boss happened upon me. Quite unsure as how to explain being out during work hours made some vague notion of a late lunch. Thankfully boss seemed not a bit interested in this. Unfortunately by means of conversation making, boss looked down at my basket and asked about the turkey-based items. Too depressed to make up a story, told him they were for Christmas dinner. Boss most taken back, exclaimed,
"Good GOD, Smith! Things must have hit rock bottom at your place! Are we not paying you enough?".
At this, several shoppers turned around and proceeded to stare first at shopping basket then at me. Frightfully embarrassed and thankfully boss made his excuses and went in search of cranberry sauce.

Mrs Payne positively delighted with shopping when I arrived home. Ever so fearful of other half's reaction.

Day 60

2011-12-23T09:30:00.000Z

Other half terribly annoyed last night when told her about turkey. Explained the birds quite straggly and owner most rude with regards to defending his produce. Other half agreed on audacity of poor produce, however in explaining it was positively the worse turkey I had ever seen, raised a question as to why I was looking at a turkey. Explanation that that is what we had ordered most rigorously denied, saying we had not ordered a turkey, but "as bally well agreed", we had ordered a goose. Exclaimed we had agreed on turkey, not goose, and this renewed fearful argument as to which had greater merit.

Other half and I eventually made up saying it didn't matter which we had as long as we were together. She's a darling.

Went to retrieve advent calendar chocolate this morning from its hiding place, and opened door had quite distinct shock. Taking the Christmas treat to the breakfast table, made accusation,
"What is this?", holding a beautifully carved tiny sprout in the shape of chocolate!
"What is what dear? What is that?", other half replied nonchalantly, "I'm bound to say I have no idea".

Mrs Payne unusually quiet also, so knew something was afoot.

"I say, if a man can't keep possession of advent calendar chocolate in his own home, well, it's a jolly poor showing!"

"Oh be quiet and eat your sprout", other half responded, before bursting into laughter with Mrs Payne joining in. Then proceeded to fall about laughing even further, saying,
"Oh Robert! Your face, it's a picture!".

Most displeased by this.

Having no turkey (or goose), will have to go out this morning and scavenge what can be had for Christmas dinner. Not looking forward to shops and will stay a good deal away from organic place.

Day 59 - afternoon

2011-12-22T14:00:00.000Z

Had unfortunate task of acquiring turkey this lunchtime. Other half positively livid that I had turned away the delivery, despite protestation as to quality. Mrs Payne helped this not one bit by saying she thought the bird quite adequate.

In any case, made trip to the organic shop and arrived to find queue out of the door. Furious at this thought on account of complaint would be quite reasonable to enter shop and request to speak to manager. Inside shop place was positively stuffed waiting to collect orders and barely managed to get to counter to lodge my complaint. Received several sharp comments on the way including statement of "I've been waiting here MONTHS" and "I say, who does he think is, ROYALTY?". Ignored these altogether and had but one woman in front of my quite unable to get around, principally on account of ridiculously large hat. Finally managed to shove her out of the way with a judiciously placed elbow only to hear an angry "I say, how dare you, you oaf!". Woman turned around to be none other than Horseface. Clearly still angry from last night, recognising me she made minor effort at pleasantries and as shop owner asked who was next was quite clear in saying herself, and further more, this man was pushing in. Heard a faint "Sorry Robert.." as I stalked out of the shop following bellowing command of "back of the queue!" from the owner.

Spent some time waiting outside in the queue, possibly now even longer than when I had arrived. Horseface passed by moments later with vague apology as to being "only right, really". Most furious myself and parted company as quickly as we both could manage.

Clearly another lunchtime and period of afternoon when should be working was spent in queue, and as near as I got to the front, still more customers joined at the back. Finally got to the front and had most clever idea. Would simply ignore that order had been delivered yesterday and get another turkey now. Surely the straggly bird was a one off and all would be well.

Was greeted by shop owner saying "Oh it's you", not seeming very welcoming. Proceeded to ask name and digging out the chit exclaimed that the order had been delivered yesterday. Made apologetic correction that as it happened, order had not been delivered. Owner looked most displeased at this and bellowed once more "ROY!", at which boy that delivered bird yesterday appeared. Seeing me, held out an accusing finger, saying,
"That's him! That's the one I was telling you about. Said your birds is rotten."
Made quick reparations as to this saying I said nothing of the sort, but owner clearly man to hold grudge all the same.
"He is, is he?", he said to the boy. Surprisingly, owner remained quite calm, assuring me that his birds were of the utmost quality, making sure voice was quite audible to rest of shop, so full that conversation quite intimate in all quarters. Went on to say he would be happy to provide a bird now to my satisfaction. Said this was awfully good of him, and terribly sorry for the inconvenience, replied nothing of the sort.

Checking my order, went into the back and brought out another bird on tray for my approval. Was at this point in quite jovial mood having owner most polite in dealing with me. Conversation quite awkward however when looking at the bird finding it most similar to last one.
"I say, sorry to be a pain, but this is much like the last one.", stated as politely as possible.
"I'm sorry, what is wrong with it? This is the highest possible quality I assure you." said owner, clearly fighting to remain polite.
"Well it's a bit...", I replied, trying hard to remain polite, and quite unable to think of gracious adjective with which to label the bird. "Well it's a bit, straggly."
Owner remained silent for some moments, visibly restraining himself from saying something he would regret, then restraint wholly let go, and owner looking me right in the eye gave tirade of abuse,
"Straggly! How is this straggly! I'm bound to say you wouldn't know straggly if it slapped you in the face, which I've got a good mind to with this fine specimen here! Maybe THAT would teach you about straggly!". Proceeded to slap the bird before continuing, "This is a fine, fine bird. I take great pride in the produce I offer, and an insult to my produce is an insult to me! I'll ask again, what is wrong with this bird?".
At this, quite taken back, barely managing to string words together, countered,
"Well, look, I'm no expert, but as I see it, turkey I've had before, well, quite a bit fatter than that I should say! Err..".
A few moments passed in silence, and turning to Roy, owner said,
"Looks like we've got a comedian here, Roy." Returning a furious stare in my direction, continued,
"Turkey you say? What is wrong with this turkey?".
"Well, yes, no, you see..", was all managed to say and left in silence nervously looked around shop, now equally silent and looking in my direction, a good portion of patrons open mouthed.
Owner was now quite red in face, and taking deep breath let rip a final onslaught, upon which I could do nothing but remain frozen to the spot.
"Next time you have the audacity to call any of my birds straggly, perhaps you'll get the right bird in question! THIS! You idiot! Is a goose! Perhaps now you see why it's 'a bit straggly'! I'll give you one chance.. Mr Smith, would you like this fine, high quality Christmas goose?". At this the owner stopped his tirade and gave fiercest stare have ever come across, shaking with anger.

Took a gulp and mouth now quite dry, ventured an answer,
"Well, awfully, well, kind of you, but you see, we ordered a turkey."

Obviously one chance was altogether depleted, and owner gave one final comment,
"Mr Smith, I do not have time for this. I've got a shop full of customers waiting for their orders and I'm not playing games.", at this, turned to boy, saying "Roy! Door!", and was promptly shown the door.

Awfully disappointed, stood outside, and was quite unsure what to tell other half that I had attempted to get a turkey, but altogether refused just for complaint over goose.

Day 59

2011-12-22T09:00:00.000Z

Awfully tired this morning having had Christmas quiz at local pub last night. Completely forgot until other half reminded me and did absolutely no quiz book reading beforehand. Felt most concerned would let Horseface down.

Got to the pub where we had dinner, with Mrs Payne and other half having most healthy portions. Declared they were being ever so good as they chased peas around their plates.

Horseface and boss arrived just before quiz, one looking distinctly more serious about the affair than the other.
"I hope you're ready to win, Robert", Horseface opened with. Boss just sighed.

Were informed that quiz was such that in the case of a draw a tie breaker question would be asked, with the tied teams electing who should answer it from opposing teams. This being the case Horseface and I had unfortunately news for Mrs Payne that she would not be able to be part of our team should she be chosen. Seemed not bothered by this in the slightest and moved to adjacent table and proceeded to order dessert. Other half most displeased by this, and spent good portion of the quiz looking longingly at Mrs Payne eating dessert.

Prior to starting, who should walk in but the old codger from the radio quiz. Finding the place quite full, asked Mrs Payne if he and his wife (must have been pushing on 80 at least) might join her. I looked over and smiled and nudged Horseface who did the same. Codger looked blankly for some moments, before making some gesture of vague recollection and looked towards his wife in confusion.

Quiz started by handing out blank answer sheets, and profoundly amused to see question sheet requested by Codger and Mrs Codger, and further to see them invite Mrs Payne to play with them. Mrs Payne quite seriously involved in dessert, however took a moment to say she would be delighted.

Our team, 'Homeless Bob and the Charity Cases' (highly displeased by this name), positively giggled through entire quiz on what terrible competitors we had next to us. Managed to answer quite confidently 20 questions as read out by landlord and eagerly awaited results.

Some time passed before results, evidently to allow for another round of drinks to be purchased, which duly occurred. Other half made quiet consideration of dessert menu, but made her aware of her diet. Called me a spoilsport.

Answers were finally read out, and dismayed to find we were joint first with no other than Codger & Co (my name, not theirs, should add). Horseface looked most furious but rallied the troops and gave most stern pep talk on virtues of "jolly well THINKING before you answer and you better not get it wrong".

Now came the time for us to pick who on the opposite team we would chose to answer the tie breaker question. Quite obvious selection for us, knowing Codger's reasonable pedigree and being unsure of Mrs Codger's potential, chose Mrs Payne, whose inability with regards to quizzing we were all abundantly clear on. Surprisingly, Codger & Co selected me. Was now quite clear Codger didn't have clue who I was.

Mrs Payne and I both standing up in front of whole pub, question was then set by landlord. Will record here:
"K, O, P, O. What is the number?"

Quite baffled by this, quickly set into heated panic. Looked at Mrs Payne, quietly focused, and absolutely nothing came to mind. Then worst possible thing happened, Mrs Payne erupted with pleasure and her answer, and was instantly announced correct. They had won.

Sat back down most dejected. Dared not look at Horseface, and could quite tell upon saying goodbye shortly after that was quite furious.

Had worse fate, however, in humiliation of having to ask Mrs Payne where she got her answer from. Also furious of reply that she wouldn't tell me! Made quite sure, however, to quietly giggle to herself on entire journey home, despite other half and I in depleted silence, me at quiz, and other half at lack of dessert.

...

Further more this morning, now quite certain of shenanigans with regards to advent calendar. Made particular note as to not eating chocolate this morning, and yet again chocolate had quite disappeared when I went to retrieve it. Have made judicious relocation of calendar in between some books quite out of sight.

Day 58 - afternoon

2011-12-21T13:00:00.000Z

Most impressive service from organic shop. Received email from other half mid-morning saying they would drop the bird off same day. Thought this almost worth the extra price and spent a good deal of the morning clearing space in the fridge.

Just before lunch heard knock at the door and Mrs Payne's chit-chat to poor soul that happened upon our doorstep, and went to investigate. Saw delivery boy holding basket and went with pride to see crowning glory of Christmas dinner.

Most disappointed to see rather straggly specimen, looking distinctly as a bird perhaps concerned of its weight and had been on a diet for some time. If ever there was an anorexic turkey, this was indeed it. Profoundly downhearted, made query as to health of bird, however quite furious with reply saying,
"That's what shape they are, haven't you seen one before, mister?".
Cut him off saying yes I jolly well had, and further, certainly would not be accepting such a bird. He could either bring another one or we would be having quite considerable words with his boss. Added if organic meant less meat than a drumstick he could bally well keep it.

Mrs Payne joined in at this point, and although not professing herself to be an expert on such matters, went through some considerable discourse to declare it to be just as expected. At this boy took his advantage with a sharp "See!" in reply.

At this boy said I could be his guest talking to his boss, and if I wasn't accepting it he had other deliveries for people that "know a goose from a gander". Took some offence at this and told him I would indeed be talking to his boss at earliest opportunity.

Day 58

2011-12-21T09:00:00.000Z

Heated debate last night as to what meat to have for Christmas dinner. Was quite adamant as to having turkey, however dissenting opinions positively abundant. Suggestion from Mrs Payne on having turkey mince quite ridiculous and told her as much. Provided no further input thereafter. Much disagreement ended with other half saying she would order from frightfully expensive organic place nearby. Response from me that last year's frozen turkey a positive triumph quickly rebuked as being "like eating a sock". Said this comment was a bit thick. Other half replied so was the turkey.

Quite curious this morning. Was certain I had not eaten my advent calendar chocolate, but coming to it, found the door quite empty. Queried this over breakfast, with some concern from other half on whether I was losing my memory. Disappointed all the same.

Day 57 - afternoon

2011-12-20T13:00:00.000Z

Attempted another trip into town before lunch, this time leaving Mrs Payne at home rolling her eyes at my mistake.

Found queues even worse then prior, with almost 30 minutes spent getting to front of queue. Had already picked up dress of correct size, so had similar pain of holding dress whilst queuing. Began to think this present most unwise. Next year will get perfume.

Getting to front of queue was faced by same tittering cashier as previous and plonking bag on counter informed her I would like to return dress as wrong size. At this cashier looked somewhat quizzical, and stated with some volume,
"Your were told it wouldn't fit you!".
Quite taken back by this, managed to utter,
"I say, this is a present for my wife!", to which received instant reply,
"Why would your wife say it wouldn't fit you then?". Quite flabbergasted at this, made mistake of turning around, to see numerous shoppers quite engrossed in this discourse.
"That was NOT my wife!", possibly did not helping situation and heard quiet giggle followed by "Oh I say!" from interior of queue, cashier said in any case she could not process returns and I would have to take it to customer services. Cashier had shouted "NEXT!" before even had time to gather up items.

Followed another queue so long could barely see service desk in distance and was quite furious by time got to front of it. Explained again of dress being wrong size, and customer assistant clearly thought it highly amusing to look me up and down and say,
"I should say not!". Evidently this was particular theme in store, as assistant sat at next till made particular point to laugh also.
This altogether too much, and wearily sighed. Assistant most disappointed her joke had fallen on deaf ears set about the transaction. Managed this time successful replacement and escaped without further embarrassment, only to hear excruciating "Cooeee!" from some distance. Squinting, was once again dismayed to see Horseface cantering up, and quite unprepared for another conversation uttered,
"I say, are you following me?". Thankfully Horseface took this as quite hilarious joke, and laughing a good deal snorted,
"Other way around I should say!".

Explained about dress, as was quite concerned about boss hearing another period was spent in town. "No, thought it wouldn't fit", Horseface nonchalantly replied. Most annoyed at this.

Was cheered up somewhat by Horseface inviting us to Christmas quiz at local pub later this week. Giddy with thought of Horseface and I on same team rather than opponents for once, said we would certainly be delighted.

Day 57

2011-12-20T09:00:00.000Z

Quite furious. Last night hiding away other half's present thought it wise to compare against existing dress and doing so horrified to find it too small by two sizes. Confronted Mrs Payne with this, who looked most confounded when recounting her statement as to size required. Responding saying she said nothing of the sort, and was awfully silly buying size I did. This inevitably meant another trip into town.

To add further problems, had fearful row with other half about not sending Christmas card to suspicious old couple across the road. Said I felt this quite unreasonable given their assured involvement in earlier problems. Other half responded that I brought it all on myself, and they were quite worthy of a card. Gave evidence of flimsy cheap card they had sent us, however other half quickly responded I had bought the same ones last year. Too deflated to reply to this.

Now have to return to department store to return dress and get larger size. Mrs Payne teased awfully over my mistake at breakfast once other half had left. Thought this most unreasonable.

Day 56 - afternoon

2011-12-19T13:00:00.000Z

Took Mrs Payne into town such that we can acquire respective Christmas presents. Quite unwilling to totter around, made arrangements to jettison Mrs Payne to indoor shopping area whilst I stalked around town getting some proper shopping done. Mrs Payne quite happy with this as seating was plentiful, along with a number of shops for Christmas cards and so on.

Having freed myself, walked straight to clothes shop where I know other half likes to go and set about perusing dresses. This significantly more difficult than first thought, with great deal of alternatives spread about the shop and no concise ability of comparing and contrasting. Spent some considerable time looking at one or two dresses from arms' length, rather like a scholar looking for meaning in a painting. Deciding dresses had altogether no merit, artist or otherwise, left them where they were. At this, young shop assistant, appeared from nowhere, stating in no uncertain terms that if I was looking at dresses could I please put them back "where they bloody go", with some considerable emphasis. Immediately several female shoppers looked around, and in fearfully embarrassed state, had to carefully return two dresses to their correct locations. Much aggravated at this, promptly left shop.

Headed for department store hoping to find dress there. Profoundly aware of previous run-in, was awfully careful with dresses this time, deciding much safer to look at dresses where they hung. Must have been staring for several moments, as shop assistant appeared and gave me quite a start. Apologising, assistant was most cordial and asked if I was buying Christmas gift. Said yes I was, and was then helped along with process. Found dress other half would look most delightful in. Attempt to pay rivalled finding dress in difficulty, with queue like morose conga line. Stood carefully holding dress as not to damage it for some considerable time. Finally got to cashier, at which point mcuh distressed to find Horseface appeared behind me, clearly in much jollity, saying,
"I say Robert, quite your colour! Not sure it'll fit though!"
At this cashier gave small titter, and forced to feign politeness, had to address Horseface whilst continuing to pay for item and escape forthwith.

Appears am quite unable to escape Horseface, as stalking back to find Mrs Payne, Horseface said she would tag along. Thought this most unreasonable, but seeing as dress had been purchased held back objection.

Followed some considerable walk in attempt to find Mrs Payne, with not a glimpse of her forthcoming. Horseface thought this most amusing, called it "Hunt the Payne", but quickly withered, said she was going to get a coffee, and disappeared. Getting ever more furious at prolonged time in town, systematically went from shop to shop and back, twice, as well as frequented all seating areas, mostly stuffed full of the elderly making jokes at my expense. In the end admitted defeat, chalked situation up as second time had lost Mrs Payne.

Made way to see if Horseface was still in coffee shop as considerably hungry due to not having had a single morsel since breakfast Most angry to find Horseface waving in my direction from seat in window, mouthing "Cooeee" with who sat opposite her, but Mrs Payne. Entering shop making some considerable objection to this turn of events, but Mrs Payne quite disinterested, apparently was most pleased to see Horseface. Thankfully no mention came as to Mrs Payne's cake and set about getting myself coffee. Horseface and Mrs Payne echoed they would like another too, so ended up spending over 10 pounds on coffee and cake, with Mrs Payne appearing quite deaf when mentioned about her diet.

More recuperated, steered Mrs Payne carefully towards car such that we could go home without me losing her again.

Day 56

2011-12-19T09:00:00.000Z

Positively sick of work and run-up to Christmas. Will be profoundly glad when can have some time off. Despite boss being unavailable most of the time, feel I have been working jolly hard so far. Unfortunately am working until Friday.

To make matters worse have been informed that other half and Mrs Payne have put themselves on a strict diet between now and Christmas as to be able to enjoy themselves thereafter. Finding this highly unreasonable seeing as not a solitary biscuit, chocolate or lump of cheese is to be found in the house. The only exception to this is my chocolate advent calendar, as purchased by Mrs Payne, hidden this in my office.

As further Christmas woes, still have to acquire present for other half, not to mention Mrs Payne, who quite unjustifiably have been requested to buy present for also. This will be done today by taking Mrs Payne into town, who also wants to do some shopping.

Day 55 - lunch

2011-12-16T13:00:00.000Z

Boss arrived at 10.30 as agreed, as made quite sure Mrs Payne was shut up in kitchen before answering the door. Boss fearfully pale and barely seemed to have energy for sarcastic quip asking if we were having a Jamaican Christmas this year on account of temperature.

Got down to business, as did not want to keep boss here on my account, and concluded necessary comments on my work to see me through to start of next year. Asked boss if he would perhaps like a drink, gladly accepted on account of not quite feeling up to driving back just yet. Showed some concern over this and asked what the matter was, quite sure it was Mrs Payne's cake. Inevitable answer came back that he and Horseface had ate something that disagreed with them.

Stalked into kitchen quite prepared to give Mrs Payne what-for on account of wilfully poisoning fellow man, but seeing my part in horrid affair thought better of it. Unfortunately in kitchen Mrs Payne, unable to entertain herself otherwise, was making another abomination to all things culinary in form of another cake, and found this quite the last straw. Said in no uncertain terms to stop her devil's work immediately, as boss was in lounge quite unwell due to cake. Mrs Payne quite upset by this and covered in flour as always went into lounge to apologise most profusely as to her cake.

Boss quite unprepared for tearful lady asking about his health looked deeply panicked and after one or two faint words passed out in chair! Quite panicked by this myself, and with not a jot of first-aid training, immediately telephoned for ambulance. Following this proceeded to open windows to get temperature to acceptable level, avoiding still tearful Mrs Payne in process. Had no option but to tell Mrs Payne to pull herself together and go and get a glass of water, which duly did, quivering all the way.

Managed to drag armchair towards window, which seems to help situation as boss came back to us, apologising for upsetting "Bitty". Said not a bit of it, after all she had been instrumental in his condition. At this point Mrs Payne returned with glass, and boss weakly took a sip or two. Seemed most distressed to learn I had called ambulance but said quite firmly that he was to rest and wait for their arrival.

Inevitably arrival of ambulance positively forever in coming, but eventually turned up, sirens and flashing lights. Waved them inside, and let boss explain situation. Mrs Payne had scuttled into kitchen and quite too furious as to see what was the matter.

Ambulance man made diagnosis saying temperature and lack of liquids was likely culprit, and I had done quite the right thing to bring him around. Thought this an incredible relief. Said no trip to hospital would be necessary but perhaps someone could take him home. Said I would be quite able to do this.

Set off for boss' home, having seen ambulance men to door and informed Mrs Payne as to plan, still in kitchen pacing. Boss still weak on journey, but made odd query as to what I meant saying Mrs Payne had been instrumental in his condition. Replied that it must have been cake that had done this to him, and I was equally sorry for condition of his wife. Horrified to learn that not a crumb of cake he or his wife had eaten, and rather it was rather poorly selected fish that had caused the upset. Had gratefully received the cake, but was quite unable to entertain it.

Rest of journey was made in silence and upon arriving at boss' home rushed to open car door and help him into the house, although informed this quite unnecessary. Apologised most profoundly for excess temperature and to boss feeling he needed to see me, but boss said not a bit of it and he was feeling better already. Asked, with regards to cake, whether we had any more. Not being able to eat it themselves they had put it out for birds, but nuisance pigeons had eaten a quantity of it, and promptly keeled over stone cold dead. Cake, therefore, was great success at getting rid of vermin, and would gratefully receive more for future use. Too taken back to reply to this, but bid boss to get well soon and left.

Returned to find Mrs Payne still in kitchen, tearfully committing earlier progress of new cake to bin, saying she would never make it again. Explained she was never trying to poison anyone. Assured Mrs Payne as to boss' small recovery, but heart leapt a little when informed there would be no more cake.

Day 55

2011-12-16T09:00:00.000Z

Other half and I attempted two-sided attack on Mrs Payne regards excessive heating, proving quite unsuccessful. Justification of "catching her death" sounded profoundly tempting proposition. Home as hot as ever this morning, and office positively stifling. Other half quite grateful to leave for work, putting on coat outdoors so not to pass out indoors with the temperature.

Once other half had left ventured to ask Mrs Payne as to possible Christmas presents for her. Suggestion of further silverware matching mantle clock design quickly denied. I countered with suggestion of new dress, as other half rarely spends money on herself, and this was agreed as one gift. Have got size from Mrs Payne in order to purchase the item. Will surely have to think of additional gifts however on account of being from both of us. Mrs Payne provided 5 pounds up front for her half of the dress asking if it would "be enough". Seemed greatly taken back when I said "not unless it's from the seconds shop", but seeing reaction conceded amount would be quite adequate.

Made particular pains to ask Mrs Payne to avoid boss later this morning during visit, as meeting quite important and Mrs Payne having promised solemnly, reiterated and asked again for further promise. Some offence taken to this, however was glad to have made sure.

Day 54 - lunch

2011-12-15T13:00:00.000Z

Quite the coldest weather we have had so far this year, although this quite unimaginable given temperature of home. Mrs Payne unable to bear temperature anywhere below that of sauna has ongoing battle with myself in turning up heating when I have only just turned it down. To further this, coming down for lunch found Mrs Payne sat in front of fire too. Querying whether perhaps she might be a bit hot, replied with not a bit of it, and was I not cold?

Mrs Payne asked about cake at lunch, generously donated to boss and Horseface. Said I hadn't heard a word, neglecting to say boss was probably in death bed at very moment, lamenting ever having looked upon the cake.

Given lack of productivity last time, boss was supposed to be visiting regarding work tomorrow, so quite unaware of if this will happen. If not quite unwell before entering our home, will certainly be when leaving, having endured temperature quite tropical.

Day 54

2011-12-15T09:30:00.000Z

Pleased to inform that remainder of Mrs Payne's cake now quite gone. Other half and I helped ourselves to smallest possible piece without raising suspicion, leaving Mrs Payne to a sizeable portion, which she positively devoured. Still feel not altogether well this moring, however Mrs Payne appears in highest of spirits. Quite unfathomable how she manages it.

Mrs Payne went so far as to say she could make another cake given previous one lasted such a short time, however significant protestation from other half and I that really she was spoiling us, and perhaps she could wait a while, was thankfully acknowledged.

...

Received work email to 'All in Office' saying boss would be off ill today. Wondering now if palming off cake on unsuspecting victims could be considered manslaughter.

Day 53 - lunch

2011-12-14T14:00:00.000Z

Despite still feeling out of sorts, was in absolute determination to meet Horseface for coffee. As such set off late morning, leaving Mrs Payne enjoying another piece of cake.

Arrived to find Horseface already most of way through a cup of coffee not unlike soup bowl in dimensions. Seeing me, met me quite as long-lost friend, proceeding to order another soup bowl of coffee herself, as well as paying for my small coffee, seeming most overly familiar with staff in process.

Having seated ourselves, Horseface set right to business opening with,
"So, about this quiz business..". Responded most nonchalantly,
"Oh yes?".

Followed a most civil discourse on how supportive husband had been as to going for the quiz and felt positively awful in letting him down, and really meant not the slightest malice in misrepresenting the true winner. Further, thought me a terribly good winner, and really was not the slightest contest as it was quite obvious the winner.

Listening to this lengthy discourse quite regretted getting small coffee, as had nearly finished before even half way through. Perhaps it was feeling out of sorts, or Horseface's desperate neighing, but informed her that would be quite willing to keep her secret and nothing more would be said about it.

This knowledge taken particularly well by Horseface, offered me another coffee, and this time joined her in soup bowl size.

After some further discussion on just how positively terrible the old codger had been in quiz, with even some laughter thrown in, made our way to part company. Said, however, would she be so kind as to wait a moment. Produced rather large tin-foil parcel from bag and handed it to Horseface. Said it was a gift from Mrs Payne, who GREATLY insisted it would be delivered to her and husband for their enjoyment. Horseface thanked me warmly for this gift, and off she went, most pleased, with half of Mrs Payne's cake.

Diary 53

2011-12-14T11:00:00.000Z

Late entry this morning on account of feeling quite unwell. This almost certainly attributed to unfortunate consumption of Mrs Payne's cake.

Total time of baking quite uncertain, but positively no uncertainty as to density of result. After dinner made every indication that was quite full, but at great insistence from Mrs Payne was given a slice of cake most generous. Presume cake to have consistency perhaps of interest to local archaeologists, as outer parts of cake quite hardest material have ever come across. In curious contrast to this, inner confines of cake appear almost liquid. Sole uniformity of cake is concerning dark brown colouring with no clue as to what cake may contain, resulting in a mud-pie like quality. Queries as to ingredients from Mrs Payne merely returned "this and that". Unaware whether it is "this" or "that" causing the problem, but cake most foulest have ever come across.

Could not possibly entertain the horrid lump without something to improve taste, so helped myself to double cream. Other half, usually steering clear of cream, helped herself to a quantity of it. Throughout onerous process of eating gruesome dessert, Mrs Payne commented liberally on quality of the cake, saying it was positively the best one she has ever made. Have profound concern for victims of previous abominations, presumed dead.

Having finished dessert and helped ourselves to a stiff drink was horrified to learn only a quarter of the cake had yet been eaten.

Day 52 - lunch

2011-12-13T12:00:00.000Z

Mid-morning Mrs Payne interrupted me with telephone call. Answered to hear the familiar neighing of Horseface, asking if perhaps I would like a coffee one lunchtime, seeing as I am "often in town". Took great exception to being "often in town", however duly accepted. Certain Horseface will bring up her little fib to husband (my boss) regarding quiz. As such, plan now being to met Horseface in town tomorrow, at expensive coffee shop.

Having finished telephone call, made enquiries as to Mrs Payne's progress with regards tidying of kitchen. Disappointed to see that rather than tidying kitchen, had opted to bake a cake. As such kitchen looked even worse than prior, and Mrs Payne herself adopted a rather floury coating on both face and clothes, having evidently considered apron quite unnecessary.

Ventured to look into oven to find quite flattest and most dense cake had ever seen. Queried whether cake might be cooked, seeing as colour quite black, however was told certainly not had a good half hour more. At this left Mrs Payne to it, quite exasperated by whole affair.

Returned to kitchen for lunch a good hour later, and querying progress on cake front, was told it was still in oven "just firming up a bit". Did not go into further detail, but ate toast in lounge.